I need help with preventing messy results

Not everyone suffers the joy/pain of nre. Not everyone does it with every relationship. Thats NRE reaction does not represent the strength of the relationship. Don't overthink it to much and enjoy the relationship for what it is.

You might find someone that is like an explosion of NRE and you might never. Its just good to know what CAN happen vs being surprised.

As an aside, you might just be a really responsible person. A lot of people who use NRE as an excuse are just doing it to justify really shitty relationship behavior. It might be a good thing that it doesn't hit you like that :)
 
I dated briefly and very casually a man who I felt a good physical chemistry with. He wasn't very good at communication tho and we became friends out of it. It was odd in that we remained friends but, while I was fond of him and enjoyed being around him, his lack of communication skills didn't really let me feel like I really knew him. Through this person, I met my husband. I'm going to call him M.

To my surprise, when my husband and I became involved, M grew upset over it. He was very angry with us both for a few months. It was really bad for a bit and to me, it came out of nowhere. I'd never expected M to be so bothered by it because he is not the easiest person to get a read off of.

But we all had to be around each other so much that he did grow to accept it and a good, lasting friendship came from it. Honestly, I believe that if I had not become involved with my husband, M and I would not have the great familial friendship we have today. They would have; they are and were like brothers. But I don't think I would have ever gotten to know M to the level I do now.

We really enjoy how close the three of us are as M is one of our handpicked family members. When he visits - it just feels like a return to normal because prior to moving here we were all around each other so much. When the visit is over, there has always been talk of M moving here. He knows we would take him in either till he got his own place or we all got a bigger place.

Well after his last visit, the talk of moving became more than just talk. A month goes by and how I am made aware that the talk of moving is more than just talk is M brings the physical chemistry between us down off the shelf (I imagine it like a storage box of mementos that was packed away :eek:) and asks me if I have interest in opening it. I'd be lying if I said its not intriguing to me.

I brought my husband into the loop. We sat down and discussed it. He is very reluctant. He remembers the tension between us all when we first got together. And the tension between he and M was much more extreme than between M and I. I really never knew till a couple years after the fact that they almost came to blows over it. :(
He is not open to the idea right now and doesn't know if he ever will be. We both knew M before we knew each other, so there is this weird vibe of who's "territory" M really is. I know husband has known M longer than I have, but because I left my hometown, not many of our handpicked family is comprised of friends that I brought in. And my own blood family has shut me out entirely. I only came to accept poly due to this longing in me to have that close connection I lacked. As a monogamous person, I accepted limitations to how I expressed my feelings for my close friends/family. Now that I'm able to express myself in a more intimate way, it pains me to not be able to do so with people I already feel connected to and I struggle to make that connection with new people for the lack of familiarity.

I do understand my husband's concerns over M. The tension between us all back then was awful. But where I see we worked through it and have hope, and M says he has a different view on things now and really wishes he never handled it how he did back then - Husband only sees potential problems. I respect his views as I'm not without reservations either. And I've let M know that I will not act on these feelings without Husband's consent and approval. What he dumped in my lap, I have dumped back on him to handle. A solid "don't convince me; convince HIM (husband)" is my stance now.

The really sad aspect is that another of our handpicked family is a woman Husband was really sprung on in his early adulthood. They have been nothing but platonic friends for 12 years now and she really is the female version for him, that M is for me. I pointed that out. While he identifies with my feelings, this woman has never brought that "storage box" down off the shelf and if she did - she is bi and it could be something we shared physically (ideally altho not assuredly). Because she has never brought it up, Husband admits he would want to and enjoy the opportunity, but his attitude about it has changed. What was a hot topic for fantasy sex talk (having her in the mix), he now acts like he could care less about. I feel like he does this because he doesn't want to acknowledge what he is asking me to forgo with M. And all he focuses on now with the idea of him ever being able to be physical with her again has changed too. Now its all about "I'd never if you were NOT involved" when that was not the case before.

Beyond that, I've told M his communication skills are for shit and and even if all other lights were green, that would still become a problem. I directed him to this site not just for what it might, one day, benefit me.
 
In the last month, my enjoyment of, well pretty much everything has taken a nose dive.
J calls me and wants my time - I'm immediately annoyed. Then I'm annoyed at myself because he isn't doing anything wrong. I thought maybe it was the holidays and too much on my plate. I sat on it waiting, waiting, hell! even just waiting for how I feel to make sense so I can talk to whoever it pertains to about why I'm feeling this way.
None of it makes any sense.
I don't want to date anyone.
I don't want to go out.
I don't want to have to make time for anyone but my son and husband and I'm a complete asshole for that. Its not fair to J.
I think its only fair to let him go.

And I think I maybe need to go talk to someone; this is feeling a lot like clinical depression.
 
And I think I maybe need to go talk to someone; this is feeling a lot like clinical depression.

Have you taken anytime to yourself, completely. To recoup, regroup and just be by yourself?

Poly is so much about the group I often wonder how often people take time to truly be by themselves. Maybe you just need time to yourself?

or instead of depression, maybe its just the fact you are done with J? I know when I dated, I didn't stay with all of my dates. Just one of those things, maybe growing apart?
 
And I think I maybe need to go talk to someone; this is feeling a lot like clinical depression.

Have you experienced it before? If so, you're probably right.

I have a tendency to ignore my depression symptoms until its too late and emergent care is required (time off work, lots of drugs etc)

If you know you're heading in that direction - you know to get help.

((HUGS))
 
It would be nice if it could be that easy to identify. But I work by myself and for myself. I get at least 5 hours a day during the week of solo time. I always use to think I was fairly well adjusted that I could happily be alone if I needed to. Now that I work for myself rather than outside the home its like I've becoming a shut in. Friends can stop by, I tire of their company faster now.
Tonight there is a holiday party some of our long standing friends have asked us to go to. My husband is going. I can't decide if I want to go. I know I should and probably will, but it isn't like me to have such a hard time making up my mind about something so small.
Specifically with J, because he wants affection on top of just my presence - I am resentful rather than just ambivalent and he has done nothing to deserve it. Rather than wanting to lean on him over what I'm struggling with, I feel its not his problem to deal with. More like how I wouldn't bother a stranger or casual acquaintance with my problems, I see him this way too. And since I've been seeing him almost 8 months, that is pretty crappy of me and only adds to wanting to avoid him because I can't even explain why I'm feeling this way.
 
Have you experienced it before? If so, you're probably right.

I have a tendency to ignore my depression symptoms until its too late and emergent care is required (time off work, lots of drugs etc)

If you know you're heading in that direction - you know to get help.

((HUGS))

I've been depressed temporarily before over *something* that I could identify and fix. I've never felt this way without a clear reason before and I'm pretty scared about it. I noticed it and brought it to my husband and other friend's attention because they both have dealt with real depression before. The things that made me aware I had something serious going on is that I can't even make decisions about dumb stuff lately.
Do I want to eat tacos or spaghetti? Go out? Stay in. Run up to the effing hardware store for something to repair a home issue? Meh -who cares? Instead I'm focused on the effort involved even in coloring my hair or getting on the train to have coffee with someone. I lost weight in the past year and wasn't even chubby to begin with and out of nowhere I feel getting dressed nice and groomed up is a pointless endeavor - I'll just look like painted up crap either way. I didn't even keep my regular hair appointment this month.
That kind of stuff is pretty odd for someone who is usually comfortable with voicing their opinions even when others disagree, pretty satisfied with their appearance, social and quick to fix things. I guess I should be glad it was apparent to me before I had people on my ass about it and making me feel worse.

Maybe I've been dealing with this for a while and it wasn't until I was running solo rather than fixing stuff for others that I had to face it? Last week my son had an altercation with two other boys at school and his property stolen. We dealt with it; a sit down with the parents and recovered the item taken. After it was over, I felt like my energy and direction was pulled out from under me; almost as thought I was sad the situation was resolved. That was when I knew I was in real trouble.
 
I'm getting disheartened in my search for a shrink.
I went through my insurance care provider list and scheduled an appointment with the one closest to me with the best credentials.

I walk in nervous; coming from a fundie family, even though I'm atheist, I still feel a bit of the old programming anf the need for a this kind of attention means you're weak and not "giving it to god" or, at worst, I'm possessed by demons. I feel embarrassed even though I know I shouldn't. But he had the Pfunk playing in his waiting room and that was nice. I love Pfunk!

Then I notice all the posters on the wall. At first I didn't think much. I admire ML King and the first two I see didn't send up any flags. But as I am surveying the room I see more posters with more militant themes.

He walks out in a dashiki and kufi. Not a biggie in of itself. I was wearing an ethnic styled top myself simply because I like the look of it and I don't feel one must wear a suit and tie to maintain a professional tone.
But he takes one look at me and seems confused. Just stands there for a second like he isn't sure what to do.
He doesn't ask me what I'm going through, how I'm feeling or anything like I expected. Asks some family history and geography questions (where am I from; where is my family from). He asks me where my husband is from and I tell him he was born and raised in DC but that I'd met him in my midwest hometown. Then he asks me what my husband's nationality is. This confuses me! I said he was born and raised in DC. That means he is a natural born citizen right? So I say "American".
They guy sighs heavily and says "not what I'm asking".
We just stare at each other in confusion for a few beats.
Then it sinks in.
"Ohhhhh. He is white."

He shuffles me off telling me to get a physical :mad: I can get that kind of advise from anyone. WTF!
 
I have heard that it's best to choose a mental-health professional of the same race and gender (or as close as possible to one's own gender), who is either the same age or slightly older than the client, and of similar cultural background. I can see certain advantages and reasons why this might be so.
 
I have heard that it's best to choose a mental-health professional of the same race and gender (or as close as possible to one's own gender), who is either the same age or slightly older than the client, and of similar cultural background. I can see certain advantages and reasons why this might be so.

A few on my list of providers specified which languages they can assist. This makes sense to me. But nothing listed for this guy suggested any color or creed preference. As un PC as it would be to have that info provided, it really would have saved me the wasted effort!

I don't have trouble communicating with men over women or women over men and my mix of friends is really motley so it never occurred to me to seek out any particular ethnicity or gender. I'm actually a bit stunned to have come up against this in 2010! So many in my area have a month or more wait list just to get an initial session. He was the first to call me back and had the earliest availability. I really wish, if he is so specialized, he would have just come out and said something. It was awful!
 
That is rather odd, I hope you don't have to pay for that session.

One thing I like to do when trying to find a provider of any kind in my network, is to first look at the ones near me and Google a few of them. There are sites where docs and other shrinks get reviewed by patients. I read as much as I can about them, before calling. Psychology Today's website has an extensive listing of therapists with blurbs about how they work and what they focus on, and sometimes they are also in my insurance plan. When I call, I do a mini-interview - if not with the doc, then with the staff. For a therapist, for example, I might say, "I've never been in therapy before, what is your approach?" If they can't take the time to answer a few simple questions, I don't schedule with them. If I get some sense of warmth or welcome, and my questions answered to my satisfaction, I make an appointment.

If you see an MSW on your list of providers, they also make good therapists - doesn't have to be a doctor (although you need one if you require prescriptions). However, an MSW can recommend a doc who you would see solely for med management, if after therapy, you guys decide you need to see a doc for meds.

Good luck!
 
That is rather odd, I hope you don't have to pay for that session.

One thing I like to do when trying to find a provider of any kind in my network, is to first look at the ones near me and Google a few of them. There are sites where docs and other shrinks get reviewed by patients. I read as much as I can about them, before calling. Psychology Today's website has an extensive listing of therapists with blurbs about how they work and what they focus on, and sometimes they are also in my insurance plan. When I call, I do a mini-interview - if not with the doc, then with the staff. For a therapist, for example, I might say, "I've never been in therapy before, what is your approach?" If they can't take the time to answer a few simple questions, I don't schedule with them. If I get some sense of warmth or welcome, and my questions answered to my satisfaction, I make an appointment.

If you see an MSW on your list of providers, they also make good therapists - doesn't have to be a doctor (although you need one if you require prescriptions). However, an MSW can recommend a doc who you would see solely for med management, if after therapy, you guys decide you need to see a doc for meds.

Good luck!

Thanks for the tips.
As for paying for the session. My co pay is $20. Despite being on my approved physician list and making a copy of my insurance card, he kept insisting that they would not likely cover the session. He wanted $225 immediately. I told him what my co pay was but that I had $40 on me. He took it all, wrote in pen on a scrap paper what the remainder was and gave me a self addressed envelope. I spoke to my insurance rep as soon as I left and was told he was giving me the run around. I left him a message stating he was suppose to submit it to my carrier so it would count towards my deductible and they would send me an EOB for any remainder I was responsible for. I explained that he took twice the co pay rate and that unless he followed the proper filing, he would see no more out of me.

I've heard nothing from him since. Its been almost two weeks since the appointment but perhaps he has been busy with family matters over the holidays.
 
Feel much better lately up in my head. It is looking more and more like I had my first brush with seasonal depression making other stressors get me down more than I'm use to experiencing. I even got back together with J and things with him have become lovely. One of his past partners moved back to town and she and I get along really well. Things are so much lighter and enjoyable now. Yay NRE!

But some other things got shaken out as well recently. Things I believe were a contributing factor to my feeling low and indecisive.

When we began this, we each had concerns we put on the table for consideration to decide what our boundaries should be. We do have one sexual "sore spot" that influenced one of them. It had to do with group play. We have had threesomes in the past, ALWAYS with another girl. And always to some stupid detrimental outcome on his part. I ended up feeling like my sexuality was being use against me. I began to be guarded on this subject and didn't want to do that with him anymore till some reciprocity was shown.
The boundaries he wanted were no bondage, no group play, no drug use.

I looked at these boundaries, found them wise and agreed. I was more than happy to keep the rough play between Husband and I only, not big on drug use anyway, and completely understood that the group play conflict should be sorted out with us rather than ignored and taken to someone else.

Enter new girl for him. Toppy, likes pharm experimentation, and group play. Jeesh! And with me having yet to meet her, all conversations about this new partner have been with only Husband and I. It became very apparent that when he put these boundaries on the table he was only thinking of how they apply to me and not very much how or if they apply to him!
These boundaries were to prevent simple, naive me from getting herself in a fix with a bad person or messed up on drugs or in a compromising position with two or more bad people.
Are you EFFING serious?! Two things I am not and have never been since a young teenager is simple and naive. I wasn't even naive by teenager standards! Husband met me when I was 29 and I'd been able to think for myself about risks and keep myself out of trouble for many many years. I know not to dabble in these subjects with someone I don't know well and feel completely safe with. I'm not a big risk taker and have no horror stories by which I've learned to be as cautious as I am and I feel there is a reason for that that I'm not being credited with. Once I began to realize why these boundaries were important to him I was heated! I hated every aspect of this new association and couldn't even put my finger on why.

I love time and how it reveals why we feel the way we do about the things that trouble us. I chipped at it and kept talking about it. It became obvious to me that I don't hate the new association he has at all. I hated the idea of following rules I thought applied to us both while he quietly indulges in them with someone WE don't trust and he hasn't known long enough to really say he can trust. You can't say anything about someone for certain after only two dates to dabble in these themes. And expecting me to forgo them with someone we've been knowing for almost a year is insulting to say the least! This was part of why I was feeling so down on myself; I was being treated as a child in the relationship and it was causing me to question my hard earned judgment. Well the clear thinking head I've always counted on is back due to increased vitamin D and UV rays and so is my inner bitch and spine.

New girl and J have been invited to the discussion about boundaries over dinner. Husband didn't care for the idea at first but it is important to me that he own up to why he wanted these particular boundaries in the first place and that they were indeed HIS boundaries initially. I will not tolerate the tone it sets to have these reevaluated under the assumption that they were MY boundaries and I had to be placated into changing them. Nor will I have J thinking I'm secretly disregarding agreements made with my husband while with him. I don't want him wearing any guilt while continuing to build a good metamour relationship with my husband.
 
Grrrrrrr!

At least once a day now I'm getting the pouty statement that I'm all independent now and don't want my husband doing anything for me. Which isn't true; I've only asked that he doesn't take on a managerial role and undermine my decisions when I've clearly made one and it doesn't affect him. Nothing much has changed except I'm back to being decisive about normal day to day stuff and I took on a part time job outside of the home in a field I'm pretty passionate about. We haven't even had a sit down re examination of the rules so I don't see how this is a result of some change in rules making him worry about me. I've not refused his help with anything. But I'm getting the guilt trip. I say quit guilt tripping me and get the "I'm just teasing".

And then today. I tell him I'm intending to start a new project for a paying client. No asking for advise. No "what do you think I should do?"
And he starts questioning me about the wisdom of doing this project rather than working on an on going one I'm not getting paid for. I restate myself and get told what he thinks would be the smarter thing to do. Great. I've chosen to do the not smart thing and only after I get pissy does he back peddle and tell me to do what I want.
This stupid dance. I'm left feeling like he liked it better when I was indecisive and when I stressed about these particular rules and how his new association might conflict with them. I don't want to believe he was comforted in some way when I was indecisive and depressed, but damn!

New Girl and I have begun volleying messages back and forth in an attempt to get to know each other better while she is still out of town. Lots of CCing between us all. I got sent something I'm pretty sure neither of them intended to share with me. It contained a conversation about something she offered to get while she was out of town BEFORE all this and he asks her to not tell me about it. I don't know what the something is, but it bugs me the idea that I need to be kept in the dark about it. Is it wrong of me to wait and see if I'm to be included in it eventually rather than questioning them about what it is? Like what if its a surprise they are planning FOR me and I ask, ruining it? And also, won't it lend me a clearer idea of what to expect out of all this if I say nothing and I'm never brought in on it?

Why do I get the feeling like many things are going on behind the scenes that I'm not in on "for my own good"?
 
And then today. I tell him I'm intending to start a new project for a paying client. No asking for advise. No "what do you think I should do?"
And he starts questioning me about the wisdom of doing this project rather than working on an on going one I'm not getting paid for. I restate myself and get told what he thinks would be the smarter thing to do. Great. I've chosen to do the not smart thing and only after I get pissy does he back peddle and tell me to do what I want.

A lot of men have this need to "fix" things, it just comes instinctively. I imagine, especially since he was in the habit of making all the decission in the past, he just assumed that you were looking for his advice since you were sharing with him. This has always driven me crazy. He needs to be re-trained to ask if you want his advice and you will probably need to state ahead of time that you aren't looking for advice but are just sharing information.

This topic is worth sitting down and having a conversation about in great detail and will likely have to be discussed more than once. My husband was actually shocked that some of his statements made me feel like he had no faith or trust in my abilities. It's not fair to just expect our partners to magically change overnight, but they also need to be open to us calling them on it when they lapse back into old behaviors.

You could just say "Thank you for your input, I will consider it, but it's likely I will stick with my original decission".


New Girl and I have begun volleying messages back and forth in an attempt to get to know each other better while she is still out of town. Lots of CCing between us all. I got sent something I'm pretty sure neither of them intended to share with me. It contained a conversation about something she offered to get while she was out of town BEFORE all this and he asks her to not tell me about it. I don't know what the something is, but it bugs me the idea that I need to be kept in the dark about it. Is it wrong of me to wait and see if I'm to be included in it eventually rather than questioning them about what it is? Like what if its a surprise they are planning FOR me and I ask, ruining it? And also, won't it lend me a clearer idea of what to expect out of all this if I say nothing and I'm never brought in on it?

Why do I get the feeling like many things are going on behind the scenes that I'm not in on "for my own good"?

Frankly, I would print it out and ask him about it directly. If it's a surprise for you, then he will say that. Do you really belive that? When I plan a surprise for someone, I tell the person that is helping me "This is a surprise for ___, so don't say anything." What you described sounded more like he just didn't want you to know about it period.
 
I'm troubled by how quickly he became comfortable with taking the lead so all encompassingly. It is not a long standing condition of this relationship and definitely not how we formed our dynamic. It became this way over the winter when I began to deal with depression. Could 3 months really train him to feel all Mr. Fix It so solidly? I really felt prior to that we were on equal footing. Perhaps me discovering so many of the rules he wanted in place were aimed at protecting me rather than just a wise way to roll for us both means he has felt Mr. Fix It for longer than I've noticed. :eek:

I only wonder about it being a surprise because the statement was "don't ruin it by telling her". It implies I will know of it eventually. Since I've had three surprise parties planned for me in my life and caught wind of it all three times, ruining the fun for the planners, I don't want to do it again. :rolleyes:
I guess I was hoping for it to be a trust building thing to wait patiently and see how it unfolds. And I was hoping for it to be about a surprise for me so it could end up being a bonding thing for her and I. But you're right, what I hope isn't going to make it so.
 
Back
Top