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  #111  
Old 06-03-2011, 06:50 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I read mostly non-fiction. If I find a fascinating book about cannibalism, my friends are not going to assume I'm now eating people. .
I totally agree, but people will likely ask you why you are interested in this. SvartSvensk's concern is that he would feel compelled to explain his reasons which might border on divulging deeper aspects of his private life to fully do so.....If I am right that is. SvartSvensk?
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  #112  
Old 06-03-2011, 06:54 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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It's not about poly per se but Sex at Dawn argues that monogamy is not natural, i.e. innate, for people but a very complex product that is created, mediated and enforced by the human cultures we exist within. The evidence the authors use for their argument is from anthropology and other disciplines.

So while reading or recommending Sex at Dawn does not automatically out one as poly, it definitely outs one as having an possible interest in non-monogamy.

Now should this be the case? No, anyone can and should read this book if they want to. But I would be careful about recommending it to someone I did not want to get ideas about my inclinations. In fact, I use the book as a marker of my interests in my dating sites and, in combination with the rest of my profile, it works really well that way.
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  #113  
Old 06-03-2011, 08:04 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I totally agree, but people will likely ask you why you are interested in this. SvartSvensk's concern is that he would feel compelled to explain his reasons which might border on divulging deeper aspects of his private life to fully do so.....If I am right that is. SvartSvensk?
Yes - I mean, I know I could cite the anthropological reasons, but I suspect I would still get questions regarding my own sexuality, which I am loath to answer in a public mannor. To certain friends, in private, I am absolutely comfortable discussing it.
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  #114  
Old 06-06-2011, 02:22 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Yes - I mean, I know I could cite the anthropological reasons, but I suspect I would still get questions regarding my own sexuality, which I am loath to answer in a public mannor. To certain friends, in private, I am absolutely comfortable discussing it.
In my case - my response to this or similar questions would be (Socrates style) another question......l

Don't you wonder why we have such a problem with divorce/broken homes and families ? I do.
This book poses some interesting theories.

GS
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  #115  
Old 06-06-2011, 04:24 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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As I'm getting older I'm getting better at deflecting questions I deem to be overly personal. Don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty open person, but there ARE most definitely situations where I disclose a lot less of myself whether because it's an inappropriate venue (work, for example) for certain topics, or because I don't feel I know the person well enough to want to get into any discussions (i.e. defense) of my life choices.

I have an interesting question. Why do us Americans seem to think it's okay to ask ANYTHING about someone else and honestly expect for them to answer? Where did our lack of personal privacy go... or did we never have it?

I'm reading What French Women Know (recommended in a thread on here... was it you NCINDIE??? My memory fails me...), and I am finding it increasingly interesting to me. They talk about the difference in self-disclosure between americans and the french. The author, an american who married a french man, talks about having gone to a dinner party in the US where the hostess as an "icebreaker" asked everyone to stand and give an example of the most life changing experience they've had. And one woman said "when I first had a multiple orgasm". Now, mind you, I love to talk about orgasms-- but since when did delving into people's personal and most private experiences become a party game? The author states that if you did that in France the women would look at you like you just asked her to strip naked and dance down main street (paraphrasing, LOL).

So I've been mastering deflective questions and answers (studying counseling has helped this ability a LOT).

"Why would you read a book that talks about monogamy not being natural?"

"That's an interesting question. Why do you ask?"

And for the people who truly cannot take a hint and persist,

"That's a very personal question. And I don't think I know you well enough to get that personal."

I need a good response for the truly rude person, though. Something suitably elegant and cutting.
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  #116  
Old 06-06-2011, 05:01 PM
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You can ask deflecting questions all day long, or refuse to discuss your personal life with acquaintances and colleagues, but your friends and family will eventually get to the point of, "Wait, you don't actually believe this, do you? Does that mean you're non-monogamous???", and you simply cannot answer questions with other questions forever.
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  #117  
Old 06-06-2011, 05:16 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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And I think the point that Minxxa is making is that you don't have to answer anything you don't want to. And if they ask, so what? If they're unsatisfied with no answer, or a less than detailed answer, so what? What's the worst that can happen? They are suspicious of you? When do adults live their lives and stand on their own apart from the people we're related to and friends with. I could see if it is something that would affect your livelihood, but if anyone disowns me or decides not to be my friend because of the way I'm living my life, then good riddance.
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  #118  
Old 06-06-2011, 05:18 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
You can ask deflecting questions all day long, or refuse to discuss your personal life with acquaintances and colleagues, but your friends and family will eventually get to the point of, "Wait, you don't actually believe this, do you? Does that mean you're non-monogamous???", and you simply cannot answer questions with other questions forever.
Maybe if you read books on cannibalism, too, then you can say "I'm reading this book on cannibalism, too, do you think I'm going to try to eat you, too?"



I read so many books that if my family thought I believed in every concept I read about it wouldn't make any sense because many of the ideas I read about are conflicting. And for myself, I would think that someone was discussing a new topic because it was new, and interesting to discuss and a concept they hadn't thought of and it inspires some debate or consideration. As in "Hey, I'm reading this book about X, it's really interesting." I wouldn't automatically think that because someone is reading about X it means they believe in X, want to do X, or even really LIKE X. I would just think X seemed like an interesting subject to them.

Your family might very well be the type that thinks if you read X you want to do X. Or maybe you're projecting that's what they would think because them making that connection is the concern that you have.

But honestly if someone said "You don't really believe in that do you?" I'd ask "Why would you think that?"

There's really no way for them to answer that and not sound ridiculous.

But everybody has their own comfort levels and needs within their families.
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  #119  
Old 06-06-2011, 07:11 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post

I'm very curious how many of you have recommended this book to those you know and love but who are not aware of your polyamorous lives. I really want to tell everyone about this book, but I'm a little nervous that it'll "out" us.
Hey SS, I bet 99.99% of married people have had to come to terms with occasional attractions to other people, and the jealousy around that. Whether they act on this by cheating or opening their marriage, most couples have to come to terms with being hot for others from time to time. Maybe they try to hide and deny and bury the feelings (in themselves or suspecting it in their partner). This book could be helpful to anyone wanting to have successful relationships, imo.

Pretty much everyone I know, knows I am poly (and bi... less of them know how kinky I am). Most of my friends are gay, bi, queer, transgendered, or at least open minded about alternative lovestyles, and many are also poly... and kinky too.
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  #120  
Old 06-17-2011, 06:07 AM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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Critiques of the book forwarded to me:

http://novelactivist.com/blog/sex-at-dawn/

http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/127227181

http://ryviewpoint.blogspot.com/2011...as-sex-at.html

http://shethought.com/forum/books-yo.../sex-at-dawn//

http://www.overcomingbias.com/2010/1...-is-right.html

Adding a few additional:
http://www.pajiba.com/pajiba_dirty_t...dirty-talk.php

http://jseliger.com/2010/07/21/sex-a...cacilda-jetha/

What's interesting to me that the majority of the critiques agree with the fundamental thesis but have problems with lack of rigor in terms of representing existing research or misusing a few bits out of context. The narrative still convinces...

Interestingly, only a couple of the above are experts in the field. No peep out of the Evolutionary Psychologists (like David Buss) or Evo Biologists.
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Last edited by MindfulAgony; 06-17-2011 at 03:06 PM. Reason: fixing urls
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bonobos, boobs, books, breastfeeding, chimps, evolution, history, mono poly, mono/poly, monogamy, non-monogamy, reading, sex at dawn, tribal sex customs

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