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Old 05-20-2010, 09:32 PM
justAlover justAlover is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Belgium
Posts: 5
Post Thanks for reading this...

Hi to everyone on the site!

When I started reading threads occassionally on this site 3 weeks ago, I actually didn't plan to write anything about myself apart from reading other people's posts, but till this moment, I think dumping out what is in my mind might help me to think straight, as my state of mind is currently in a mess.

The poly thing is in fact fairly new to me. A very close friend of mine introduced this concept to me after he told me I triggered him initially (yes, he is on this site too and one of his posts written about me was beautiful). The poly concept wasn't difficult for me to understand and accept, as I am the third person into a primary well established marriage between this friend and his wife. (The reason why I personally don't like the term "the secondary" is because it simply reminds me of being no2 and makes me feel much less empowered.)

I have been knowing this friend for 2 years since we worked together. The relationship didn't really start until he changed his job and moved away. Now, 2 years later, after I moved out of the country with a new job, I realise how far and strong this relationship has been growing, which is not what we both expected at the very beginning. I think in fact the distance between him and me makes us missing each other even more. Can you imagine talking to someone for 2-3 hrs nearly every day without running out topics? We are exactly like that and it does feel wonderful.

As people keep saying the reality is cruel, it is unfortunately. His wife is a lovely and great woman. He is a lucky one to have her and the whole loveable family. The truth is that I am not selfish enough to let myself take him away from his wife and I gave my words to his wife and him too. I know I did a right thing but I sometimes feel so hurt by remembering I am always the no2 (the reality is hard, I learn). He fingured the best way to carry on is to have an open relationship for three of us. However, his darling wife is a traditionally wired woman and has not got her head around this poly thing. Because I don't really know where her head and her heart are at the moment, I am not sure if I should go ahead without feeling guilty or simply stop. The last thing I want to do is that I have to cut this friend completely out of my life. However, I don't want to upset or hurt his wife either.

I am fully aware he loves his wife truly, deeply and madly. I respect his feeling towards his wife. However, in the last a few days, I noticed I had to queue to talk to him as he was busy talking to his wife. Once I had to wait for 1 hr before I could talk to him and he was tried when we were chatting. My head tells me that I should understand they are the primary couple and basically what they do is the priority, but I feel intensely jealous of his lawful wife and also deeply hurt inside. And the jealousy caused me so much turbulence and uncertainty and I start feeling small and lost in this relationship... I don't ever want to be the one who wears the trousers, but I do want to at least keep my dignity intact without having to "beg" for his time and attention. I become quiet recently. He noticed it and asked me why. I wanted to tell him why but I could not say it. How could I ask for anything like that? Even if I did, would there be any differences? I don't think so as I am not the priority I know. Even if the outcome of this polyamourous relationship is to help him and his wife fall in love all over again, I am convinced I would be pleased as at least I did not mess up their life.

I don't know if anyone out there has a similar experience... I would like to listen to what other people might say about this... Many thanks in advance.

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