Did I make the wrong choice?

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classycaveman

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So, my girlfriend M is currently travelling in South America. A couple nights ago she was assaulted. A man got on top of her while she was asleep in bed, next to another guy. She scared him away but he came back at least once before morning.

The next night, while I was at C's house (a girl I've been seeing about once a week since December) she contacted me and explained what had happened. I chatted with M for about an hour and a half, trying to help her feel better. C waited patiently.

After M went to bed, and I was sure there was nothing else I could do to help her, (googled Peru tourist police etc.) I resumed my night with C and we had sex. When M found out we'd had sex she said she felt 'destroyed.' She says I should have just gone home. I don't know what to think.

On the one hand, I had done everything I could to help the love of my life feel ok. On the other, shouldn't the attempted rape of your girlfriend keep you from being able to have sex with someone else?
 
Bad form

Yes.
That was very insensitive. You and your date should have known that was not cool. I am surprised the girl you were with still went ahead with it.
I almost feel like this question is a joke and not a real question. Sorry about coming down on you so hard but this is standard 101 human interaction stuff.
 
I promise it's not a joke. Believe me, I wish it wasn't real. I'm in danger of losing the best relationship I've ever been a part of.
 
One more thing

I thought I should add this just in case. When she gets home, you should have some flowers for her and let her initiate sex the first time. Standard protocol in this situation.
 
Ha! By the time she's home we'll have been apart for 2 months. You'd better believe there will be flowers. And chocolate, and dinner, and anything else she'll let me give her. :)
 
I am sorry for her ordeal. And for you too. Rape and attempted rape is hard stuff to process. :(

Never been in your shoes. Though it reminds me of grief. When people have died or I have had terrible shock of some other kind...at some point I do seek out sex for the connection and comfort that provides. Was your intent was along those lines? Comfort for your grief and powerlessness? If so... It was the choice you made to deal with you and your stuff at the time.

Right now she may not be able to see you having stuff. Right now her own stuff is so HUGE.

Just remember to comfort in and not kvetch at her. In this case, she gets to be in the bullseye and she can kvetch outward. You kvetch out too... But not in toward her.

She will probably say a lot of stuff that you do not understand. Try to let it go. The assault is fresh.

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

Seeking counseling may be a good idea, but in the meanwhile....ring theory. Along with practical things you can do to comfort that she wants. Ask first. This attacker did NOT ask. Give her back some of that dignity by asking if there is anything on this list you could do for her. Do not assume or foist unwanted stuff at her.

http://goodlifezen.com/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/

Galagirl
 
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Well the thing is I wasn't seeking it, it was right there. That had been the plan. I think I was in a bit of shock. It didn't seem real, and I was kind of confused as to how this had happened to her. I mean, It's not the kind of message you're expecting to read.
 
I don't think you necessarily did anything wrong. Unless you have an agreement that you have to inform your partner whenever you have sex with someone else. Then doing so would be rather insensitive, and probably triggering, because that is the last thing she'd want to hear about.
 
Then perhaps going with the date as planned provided something "known and predictable" when your world was thrown all crazy by the news? The point is... Shock can take people weird. You both are in it; try to be kind to each other right now and not be picking each other apart for not being "perfect" in shock people. There is no such thing.

Could concentrate now on seeking appropriate care on the local level for you and for her once she lands and is back.

Galagirl
 
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Well to add to her troubles the guy she was with (and his friend) have seemingly disappeared and she doesn't know what happened to them. They were going to stay with her the next couple days to keep her company. So she's tasked me with dealing with our issue and finding a solution/explanation/etc. so that she can focus on her missing friends.

Invi, I suppose we do have an agreement that could be interpreted that way. i don't think it's ever been explicitly stated quite that way. I tell her when I'm with someone and who I'm sexually involved with. Although the rules were slackened for her trip, since it's not practical for her to have to do that every time.
 
I don't understand why she expected you not to resume your regular relations with your other girlfriend. If M. asked you not to have sex with C., and you had agreed not to but did it anyway, that would be one thing. But you took time out of your date to help her and take care of her. What else could you have done? Would not having sex with C. somehow be some pledge to M. of your love and caring for her? That's ridiculous. Abstaining from sex would have accomplished nothing. You were there for M. and ended the call after knowing you did all you could do - but she expects you to put your life on hold when you are across the globe and have another relationship that also needs your attention? I see no logic in her reaction and she is now guilt-tripping you for no reason. I get that she's been traumatized, but she is also being very unfair to you. What she expected from you makes no sense at all to me.

However, what I also do not understand is why you felt the need to report back to her that you had sex with C., especially knowing how shaken up M. was. Can't you have any private moments with one gf without sharing it all with the other?
 
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I had told her i'd left C's place late and high, and she said that she was a bit surprised I would chill for three hours and get high after finding out she'd experienced the worst trauma of her life, and then she put two and two together and asked if we'd had sex. And I told her the truth.
 
Yeah, well, what did she really expect you to do? Go home and be alone just worrying about her? Did she ever stop to consider that perhaps you needed comforting and emotional release, too, after hearing what she'd been through? I don't see anything wrong in what you did!
 
I think it's a bit normal for M to be unable to empathize with your actions, caveman--she'd just been assaulted. By her reaction to your admission I suppose she was expecting you to empathize with her a lot. I imagine she probably didn't realize your feelings would not be as impacted as hers were by the incident.

I can understand not being able to make space for someone else's feelings when our own emotions are challenged. A situation is always more real to those experiencing it than those on the periphery.

I think it's a lot to ask of her to be perfectly OK with you having sex with someone else after something like that happened; maybe jealousy wasn't something she was prepared to confront after what happened to her.
That said, kudos on not lying to her, which prolly wouldn't have solved much. To me it seems as if she asked a question she didn't realize she wasn't prepared to hear an answer for at that moment.
 
Actually I think I should have lied. I would have told her the truth eventually but it would have been easier for me to support her if I'd temporarily lied.
 
I disagree. Better to be honest.

In time when you are both not in shock and look back on it? It could be comforting to know even when the chips are down honesty and integrity between you WAS solid.

She's "reacting" right now, not thinking things through. You could read about rape trauma and expect her to be up and down sometimes.

And seriously -- it is totally understandable neither of you are totally 100% right now or perfect at "post-attempted-rape" shock stuff. Who wants to get good at THAT?!

It will be ok. Tell her you are sorry this happened, you are sorry that you don't know how to best support her. But you are willing to learn and will hang in there with her every step of the way as best you can at her side if she lets you.

Galagirl
 
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I guess I am more sensitive. When something like this happened to me, I was unable to function. I had to leave work. Regardless, I think that you should call it a night if a loved one gets attacked.
 
I guess I am more sensitive. When something like this happened to me, I was unable to function. I had to leave work. Regardless, I think that you should call it a night if a loved one gets attacked.

I don't agree with that at all. If I were attacked, I am sure my partner would go to our new girlfriend for comfort. I think I'd feel a little weird if they, say, just went out clubbing. But it's natural for sex to follow when two people are snuggled close. I can imagine myself, in my girlfriend or boyfriend's position, saying, Hey, this terrible thing has happened, please hold me close....and then wanting to be closer and closer until physical intimacy happened.

Even if one or both of them had a new date, I would hope they didn't just go home, alone, to be miserable.
 
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