Emotional abuse and narcissism w/ Primary Partner

ilovewine

New member
Hello everyone!

I am reaching out to this wonderful, supportive and amazing community in hopes I can share my experiences and hear others' experiences with narcissism and emotional abuse by a primary partner.

I have been in a relationship for several years with my partner, Red. It was my first introduction into polyamory. Red and his partner Blue had an open relationship, and we all hit off and quickly evolved into a triad.

Several years later that triad has dissolved but we all live together.

It wasn't until recently (with the help of an amazing therapist and the few friends I haven't been isolated from) that I started to realize his narcissistic abuse patterns and behaviors.

Some examples are:
-Whenever I would try to meet potential partners, I would need to barter and negotiate these freedoms while he was allowed to do whatever he wants because he has a "higher" sex drive
-He keeps tally of my mistakes and refuses to forgive, and brings them up during any time
-Guilting and shame if I say no to sex
-Saying things like "you are my soulmate" or "my connection has never been stronger with anyone else" -- he is married, and these statements are not appropriate. Their purpose is triangulation (in my opinion)
-Going through my phone and private messages, and dictating what I am and am not allowed to say about our relationship to my closest friends.
-Yelling and screaming at me when I ask him to stop
-Telling me I don't prioritize him or make time for him (when we spend every evening together, and I have no personal time)
-Fighting and pushing my boundaries

Those are a handful of the less appalling behaviors; others are too extreme to share in a public forum.

You may ask why I'm in this relationship. The truth is I normalized and rationalized this behavior for a long time because I thought that it was normal. I was playing by his "poly rules" without having any context for poly concepts or arrangements.

So! Today I'm reaching out to see if anyone has any similar stories they are willing to share, especially about escaping and going No Contact. I live with this person and am planning to flee, but it will be several months before I am able to move out.

I'm open to discussing in the forum and in private messages!
 
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Hello ilovewine,

Sorry to hear you are caught in this situation. Definitely don't let Red know of your plans to flee, just get out of there as soon as you can. Don't leave any clues behind of where he can locate you, or even of what the relationship status will be (broken up). I don't know what his worst behaviors are, but even if he has not been physically violent in the past, that's when you've been playing by his rules, and who knows what he'll do if you break the rules.

I know Magdlyn has some experience with narcissists, and hopefully she'll chime in.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi, didn't live with mine, but was my other partner's concern for me that finally got me to end it. I'm open to talking about it if you have questions.
 
I'm sorry you deal with this.

You seem to know you need to get out of this.

So! Today I'm reaching out to see if anyone has any similar stories they are willing to share, especially about escaping and going No Contact. I live with this person and am planning to flee, but it will be several months before I am able to move out.

I suggest you call a shelter or line and develop your safety plan. They've seen it all and could better inform you and guide you to your local resources and help.

https://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/

is one link.

You can also read articles at

https://speakoutloud.net/articles

You may have to learn how to defend yourself digitally. Clear your browser, clear the phone things, esp if he uses those sorts of tools to keep you on a leash or has put a tracker on them. Might even get a temp burner phone to use for your "escape business" and store it somewhere else -- a friend's house, work, etc. Since it sounds like he has access to your current phone and would kick up a fuss or get suspicious if you start changing that now.

Hire movers and take a day a off work to get it done FAST and more important -- NOT ALONE. And have movers move your stuff to storage and NOT your final destination.

Or just plan to abandon some of the stuff. Be ok leaving things behind. Pack a go bag and get out. Don't worry about the rest too much. You can always buy new bed. Even if you have to sleep on the floor in your new place while saving up? Better alive than dead because trying to move furniture alone and he catches you or because he got mad and followed the movers to your new place and waits til they go away to start something. If he follows them to a storage unit, oh well. Stare at storage units all he wants.

When you leave? Invest in a PO Box to get your mail at. So he doesn't figure out where you live from any accidental mail forwarding snafus or tailing you.

Have you own money in a bank account. Because anything you hold in joint? He call pull out all the money and leave you nothing or just close the account OR run up huge credit card and leave you to pay it. My friend was stunned to learn she needed her wacky hubby to come in to get her name OFF the shared acct, but either one could just come in alone to just close it out or make a mess with it and leave it to the other one to fix. So... she had to get brave about just closing it out and have the bank mail him a check for his share.

So set up your own banking elsewhere. So you can walk in to the shared bank and transfer your share of money EFT, and close out the account and have the bank mail him a paper check for his part. Then you can be secure he cannot pull a financial stunt to keep you there or make life harder for you.

When you are ready to leave? Cancel all the joint things in your name -- credit, phone, electric, etc. And expect backlash when he discovers this. So get it done swiftly and don't weenie around about it. My friend had a VERY hard time doing this because she was struggling with her soft feelings for him. But anything she left "open" he tried to use to get her. I had warned her.

Expect the flying monkeys -- where he recruits his friends and family to keep tabs on you for him under the guise of "trying to work things out." Because his friends may have their own blinders on, not know the whole story, etc. Don't explain. Or just say "No. There is not working things out. He hits me. (Or whatever it is that is the worst thing he did.) I appreciate your concern but no. We're done. "

REPORT anything hinky and don't let soft feelings for him stop you. A friend of mine was leaving abuse and she kept hanging on to this idea that they could break up and be friends or something. We kept telling her to call 911 and report all the weird -- him leaving her creepy "presents" on her car, the porch, coming over to yell he's gonna kill everyone else, etc.

So by the time she woke up to the fact she needed a restraining order? The judge could not give her one. He believed her about the weirdo, but it was NOT on the public record. She could be a crazy ex GF lying trying to get him in trouble. He had to judge impartial as possible. So he told her to help the system help her. REPORT stuff and get it on the public record!

And he gave him a stern warning and told him to stay away from her because now THIS was on the record.

So be careful as you make your leaving time. The leaving time is the dangerous time. Esp for those "If I cannot have her, no one can!" types.

Galagirl
 
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It sounds like you made up your mind. Stick with that. If you have to stay for a bit, plan your exit strategy. Stick with it. Do not doubt yourself.

No contact means no contact so make sure you tie up any loose ends before you leave. Never leave an opening. Once you are done write him off, forget he exists and move on. Block him on everything, your phone, social media, emails, everything.
 
As Kevin said, yes, I've had experience with narcissists. Luckily I never lived with one or was married to one. Thank gods. What I went through for 2 1/2 years, in particular, with one, was more than enough trauma.

GG gave you great advice about leaving an abusive situation. That sounds terrible. I'm glad you reached out.

Most advice websites for victims of narcissists is geared towards straight, vanilla, monogamous people. So it's not entirely inappropriate you posted here. Obviously your situation is not healthy polyamory. But the problem is living with a sociopath. There is lots of info on the web about narcs.

It assumes you are not bi, so wouldn't be involved romantically with one of the narc's other female partners. It assumes you're monogamous so anyone he's banging would be a cheating partner. It assumes you're vanilla, so any unusual sex acts he gets you to agree with would be against your will and seen as gross.

My narc partner and I are both bi, kinky and poly, with high sex drives, and he was on the autism spectrum, and he'd also seduced my live-in female partner, so I had to make allowances for those issues in figuring out that yes, he was a narc, and he had love bombed me and idealized me, hooked me, then devalued me, triangulated, gaslighted, lied, used word salad, etc., etc.

I wish you well. And I wish you safety, and eventually, peace. And true love with a good person. Or people.
 
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