I'm sorry you struggle.
This might be hard to hear, but know I mean it kindly, ok? I could also be totally wrong here. But here is how it seems to me.
To me it sounds like Bambi's trust in you was broken because you broke agreements for the "open relationship" model you were practicing together.
Whether or not those agreements where reasonable, rational, and clearly defined is moot at this point. You agreed to them already. And then you went and broke them.
That means to Bambi, you cheated on your shared agreements, and on him. And you seem to have spent very little time apologizing for the cheating, and a lot of time after him to just be ok with polyshipping with you and your cheating partner.
When he says "He's too important to you" as a reason, I think he might MEAN "I don't feel important to you. I feel undervalued, unappreciated, unconsidered." Poly hell kinds of stuff he was not prepared to deal with because you know what? He did not sign up to polyship with you! He signed up to open relationship -- which means sex on the side to him.
You did not consider the effect on Bambi when you went off with Tizza on impulse. You don't seem to OWN it. Being able to OWN your own baggage is part of taking responsibility for your behavior. Ex: You frame it like this...
when it could be like this
One is you being a leaf blown in the wind, helplessly. And the other is you being in charge of you. Which attitude helps your partner Bambi feel safe trusting? A When you are a leaf? Or when you are a solid person who makes decisions?
Are you able to step back away from this to be able to see how that could seem to be what is going on here from Bambi's POV?
Are you able to step back away from this to be able to see how your talk and your behavior influences his ability to trust you with his emotional safety?
I am guessing here... But maybe you could ask Bambi that to verify. Just so you know where he is at and what could be blocking effective communication here.
If that is how he feels about it? If he feels you cheated on him and your shared agreements? Bambi may not want to have your cheating partner Tizza as a metamour now as a result.
Who wants to sign up to polyship with the cheating partner? Nobody. It is rare that people overcome it for a reason – trust is slow to grow and easy to shatter. That's probably why you are getting "Polyamory one day maybe... but never with Tizza!" now.
Bambi doesn't sound like he's got the best communication or conflict resolution skills ever. He also could be experiencing all the “I got cheated on” package of emotions and processing that. He does not communicate direct and up front which ADDS to the problems. But that's him and his end of it.
YOU are the one writing here. What could YOU do to improve your own way of going? In your own communication and conflict resolution style?
When you behave impulsively and leave things out or avoid real communication or conflict resolution... how does this behavior help both you and your partner Bambi feel emotionally safe and secure in open relationship? How does this demonstrate respect/consideration toward Bambi? Toward yourself? This way of going does not serve you well in your open relationship.
It also won't serve you well in a polyship model either if you ever arrive at building one.
Being able to believe in someone's Word, and their ability to follow through on promises is one of the first building blocks to greater Trust.
Understanding that what you do / fail to do can and does affect other players in your polymath is another thing to consider when relating.
You did not ask FIRST – so could go back and catch it up. Hope for the best but do it knowing that your behavior has consequences. We are free to choose. We are not free from the consequences.
Quite simply? Ask for his willingness.
Find out where he stands on all these things. Then you can decide what to do.
I hope things work out one way or the other for you. Hang in there.
Galagirl
This might be hard to hear, but know I mean it kindly, ok? I could also be totally wrong here. But here is how it seems to me.
To me it sounds like Bambi's trust in you was broken because you broke agreements for the "open relationship" model you were practicing together.
Whether or not those agreements where reasonable, rational, and clearly defined is moot at this point. You agreed to them already. And then you went and broke them.
That means to Bambi, you cheated on your shared agreements, and on him. And you seem to have spent very little time apologizing for the cheating, and a lot of time after him to just be ok with polyshipping with you and your cheating partner.
When he says "He's too important to you" as a reason, I think he might MEAN "I don't feel important to you. I feel undervalued, unappreciated, unconsidered." Poly hell kinds of stuff he was not prepared to deal with because you know what? He did not sign up to polyship with you! He signed up to open relationship -- which means sex on the side to him.
You did not consider the effect on Bambi when you went off with Tizza on impulse. You don't seem to OWN it. Being able to OWN your own baggage is part of taking responsibility for your behavior. Ex: You frame it like this...
"I couldn't control the urge to kiss him"
when it could be like this
"I decided to kiss him."
One is you being a leaf blown in the wind, helplessly. And the other is you being in charge of you. Which attitude helps your partner Bambi feel safe trusting? A When you are a leaf? Or when you are a solid person who makes decisions?
Are you able to step back away from this to be able to see how that could seem to be what is going on here from Bambi's POV?
Are you able to step back away from this to be able to see how your talk and your behavior influences his ability to trust you with his emotional safety?
I am guessing here... But maybe you could ask Bambi that to verify. Just so you know where he is at and what could be blocking effective communication here.
"Do you feel like I cheated on our agreements and on you by going off with Tizza?"
If that is how he feels about it? If he feels you cheated on him and your shared agreements? Bambi may not want to have your cheating partner Tizza as a metamour now as a result.
Who wants to sign up to polyship with the cheating partner? Nobody. It is rare that people overcome it for a reason – trust is slow to grow and easy to shatter. That's probably why you are getting "Polyamory one day maybe... but never with Tizza!" now.
Bambi doesn't sound like he's got the best communication or conflict resolution skills ever. He also could be experiencing all the “I got cheated on” package of emotions and processing that. He does not communicate direct and up front which ADDS to the problems. But that's him and his end of it.
YOU are the one writing here. What could YOU do to improve your own way of going? In your own communication and conflict resolution style?
When you behave impulsively and leave things out or avoid real communication or conflict resolution... how does this behavior help both you and your partner Bambi feel emotionally safe and secure in open relationship? How does this demonstrate respect/consideration toward Bambi? Toward yourself? This way of going does not serve you well in your open relationship.
It also won't serve you well in a polyship model either if you ever arrive at building one.
Being able to believe in someone's Word, and their ability to follow through on promises is one of the first building blocks to greater Trust.
Understanding that what you do / fail to do can and does affect other players in your polymath is another thing to consider when relating.
You did not ask FIRST – so could go back and catch it up. Hope for the best but do it knowing that your behavior has consequences. We are free to choose. We are not free from the consequences.
Quite simply? Ask for his willingness.
1) Are you willing and able to forgive me for breaking agreements?
2) Are you willing and able to be in relationship with me still?
3) Are you willing AND able to participate in concurrent relationship at some point in future sharing sex AND love? (polysexual and polyamorous) Or are you only comfortable with sharing sex and loving only you? (polysexual and monoamorous)
4) Are you willing to work on become more assertive and direct in your communication skills with me rather than "hinting?"
So that our relationship can function smoother with less jumping through hoops and become more effective?
I apologize. I am asking for opportunity to make amends.
2) Are you willing and able to be in relationship with me still?
If so... could you be willing to talk to me about updating our relationship agreements once amends are made and we have had time to heal? The old boundaries no longer fit me. I broke them rather than talk first about them and for that I am sorry. But if we begin anew, we need boundaries we both can keep.
3) Are you willing AND able to participate in concurrent relationship at some point in future sharing sex AND love? (polysexual and polyamorous) Or are you only comfortable with sharing sex and loving only you? (polysexual and monoamorous)
I want to change towards a polysexual and polyamorous model. I need to know if we are still compatible.
4) Are you willing to work on become more assertive and direct in your communication skills with me rather than "hinting?"
So that our relationship can function smoother with less jumping through hoops and become more effective?
Find out where he stands on all these things. Then you can decide what to do.
- To redefine what open model relationship you want to practice and with WHO
- To continue or to let go wanting polyamorous relationship with Tizza and Bambi
- To continue or to let go wanting polysexual relationship with Tizza and Bambi
- To let go of Tizza only
- To let go of Bambi only
- To let go of both of them and start anew
- Something else I cannot think of
- A mix and match of the above
I hope things work out one way or the other for you. Hang in there.
Galagirl
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