Encouraging Communication

EDMK

New member
I am encountering a lot of reticence on the part of my boyfriend when it comes to discussing scheduling time together.

How can I best encourage this conversation without being selfishly impatient?
 
What kind of configuration do you have? How long have you been together? It's hard to say why he's feeling reticent without that. What kind of person is he? Some people here are more Relationship Anarchists, and it may be he just prefers less structure and more spontaneity.
 
I understand why he is reticent, I want to know what I can do to alleviate it while not creating any other stress.

We've been dating since the beginning of summer. I am the first woman he's seriously dated, asides from his wife in a considerable time. She & I are fast becoming friends.

He is averse to causing her, or their relationship any distress (as am I) so is waiting for "the right time" to have this deep conversation with his wife (she has never had to share her husband before)

So, I want them to talk, I think it is fairest to everyone involved to begin the conversation - I have no goal in pursuing this topic other than understanding each others (and his wife's) needs, to start with. Without a conversation, there are only assumptions of needs.

We're all professional, happy, outgoing humans with friends, pets & family..... No real anarchy here.

I do not think there is a right time to do anything - other than now. I understand this can be viewed as impatience, just as I view waiting for an opportune moment as procrastination..... So with our different communication styles, I'm seeking advice on how to further my goals without stepping on toes or being pushy.

This is a behavioral struggle I have - I've been working on it for a couple years with my husband, but I have a very hard time being patient when I want to know something, haha.... So tips on communicating with procrastinators or on how to Foster internal patience would be great.
 
Try waiting four years for the "right" time....
 
Hi EDMK,

When you say that your boyfriend needs to have a deep talk with his wife, what do you mean? And how does this impact the scheduling between the two of you? Do you mean he needs to talk to her about seeing you more, or something along those lines? Or that you can't see each other again until he talks to his wife?

Also, how long have you been waiting for this talk to happen?

More information would be great, as we can offer more specific (and hopefully useful) opinions and advice! In the meantime, my general rule of thumb is that it's all about recognising and communicating your own boundaries and needs. If you need this conversation to happen in the next week or two (reasonable), you can state that. If boyfriend can't commit to that, a compromise would have to be reached.

I think that many of us can find ourselves in a situation where we agree with one partner that a conversation needs to be had with another partner, and then we expect it to happen within 24 hours. In the reality of daily life, this might not always be the best solution.

In terms of help finding patience, my advice at this point would be to consider the end goal. Rushing anything in poly tends to cause more trouble than it's worth in the long-run. Since you are genuinely interested in upholding the health of their relationship (which is lovely), and you genuinely like his wife (which is lovely), perhaps think about what would be best for her, rather than what would be best for yourself :)
 
No, I cannot imagine that. I do not subjugate my needs, but I am willing to compromise..... Hence my search for the best way to encourage communication, without forcing it.
 
I mean deep, like, his needs and wants and regarding how he schedules time away from her. This is a topic they've never had to consider before, as he's never had the feels for anyone else, where she has had a long term boyfriend for a while.

How long... Hmmm since the 24th. His wife & i were drinking & she brought up his reluctance to talk with her about scheduling because of her previous fragile behavior..... And how she is over that & totally hoping I get him out of their house more, with some boundaries and consideration for her re: advance notice.

I them invited him over & conveyed his wife's message to me, as well as her requirements.... And procrastination. He is dragging his heels & I want to encourage him to pick up his step..... But in the manner that causes him the least stress possible. Especially as his wife has already brought it up with me :p

I think he's a little scared, unwilling to let himself believe that his wife is Ok with both talking about and the act of sharing her husband, because he wants it so badly and dreads roadblocks, so he hopes, rather than acts.

Thank you for reminding me to consider my goals when striving to be more patient.

I'm going to see his wife again this weekend (it will be the third weekend in a row she & I spend time together) ... So I hope she will bring up he & I spending time with each other and give me an opportunity to gauge her outlook and attitude without either of us being liquored LOL

He has made it very clear that she and I are welcome to discuss anything & everything.... So if she opens up and wants to talk to me directly, or even schedule with me directly that would be awesome. He would be quite content to have the pair of us that close, and we are both bossy, so she & I would be content scheduling his time for him.

Sorry for rambling, thank you for your perspective :)
 
It sounds like you want to take this relationship to a different, not level, but a different kind of relationship than originally agreed to. Hence, the need for a conversation (assuming you and he care about staying on good terms with her).

Am I reading you right?
 
Not at all, in that there was no agreement other than to respect each other.

We, neither of us, expected love as well as friendship & sex.... So as our relationship grows, so does the need for communication and increasing the breadth of conversation topics.

Just normal relationship growth correspondent with the growth of our feelings for each other that we and both of our spouses support.
 
We, neither of us, expected love as well as friendship & sex.... .

And a lot of times friendship/sex is okay, but love is not. It's reasonable to think the wife may object/veto the relationship on that. I am the type to want to fight against a veto, but if she does and he allows it, well, there's nothing to be done.

However, you don't seem particularly worried about that, so....I really don't think deeper communication or a "talk" is particularly necessary. If she and he have a healthy relationship, she'll easily pick up on the change and see how you and he are developing a deeper relationship.
 
The issues you bring up are huge & powerful..... Not anything I need help with (or have to deal with!) we're all happy, healthy, wildly successful, adults :) Our love is obvious, public and 100% approved by all players.

Our relationship is fantastic, but there is always room for improvement & from my end, i think communication could be improved, so I want to know how to encourage that without being bossy :)

This is purely about talking about time management, not any relationship structures, I hope that's clearer :)
 
The issues you bring up are huge & powerful..... Not anything I need help with (or have to deal with!) we're all happy, healthy, wildly successful, adults :) Our love is obvious, public and 100% approved by all players.

Our relationship is fantastic, but there is always room for improvement & from my end, i think communication could be improved, so I want to know how to encourage that without being bossy :)

This is purely about talking about time management, not any relationship structures, I hope that's clearer :)

Sigh, I hope you realize how lucky you are. I wanted what you have so badly...and, well, I will get it, soon, but I had to create it myself out of chaos and destruction :)

Honestly, don't worry so much about communication. You really have an awesome handle on it. Just assess your own needs, articulate them clearly...and let the others manage around that. Tango classes that you want him to join you on? Mention that to him and ask him to coordinate that into his schedule. You want him to sleep the night with you? Consider what's fair and work around that. Maybe talk with her about coordinating some nights when you're with him and she's with her boyfriend.

You've got this :)
 
Our communication is Ok, not awesome, if it was awesome I would not feel like we can communicate better.

I'm sure in a couple months this issue will resolve itself through organic growth.... I was hoping for tips on fertilization.
 
Our communication is Ok, not awesome, if it was awesome I would not feel like we can communicate better.

I'm sure in a couple months this issue will resolve itself through organic growth.... I was hoping for tips on fertilization.

Be considerate of everyone around you and trust that they will do the same for you. Some will, some will screw you over. That's life. Assess your needs and communicate them in a way that isn't being demanding, but simply assertive.

No tips or tricks beyond that!
 
Hi EDMK,

You're very welcome for the opinions.

So, this conversation has been hanging for about 11 days. I actually don't see you as impatient in this instance, but I respect that you are trying to work on your overall tendency to push for what you want. I can relate to it.

If bf's wife has been fragile in the past, it makes sense that he's wary. I get that - and I hear that you do too.

Ok, here's what I would do if I were in your shoes. This is just my personal opinion.

I'd bring it up to wife directly, unless bf has specifically asked you not to. I wouldn't do it from an interfering standpoint of steamrolling the process, which means avoiding saying "I spoke to bf about this, but he's dragging his feet." I also wouldn't go in with impatience in your heart. Go in there with a motivation of communication - a motivation of simply broadcasting your thoughts and hearing wife's thoughts. There's no need to bring bf into the conversation at all, in my opinion.

You could, for instance, communicate "I don't know if you remember, but a couple of weeks ago you mentioned that you'd be really happy for me and bf to see each other more often. I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated that. I think you are awesome. How do you think we can go about achieving this?"

In terms of 'fertilization' for the future, I'd always look at issues in terms of your own part by default. Ideally, we avoid attempting to change the behaviour of others - we look inside ourselves to see what we can personally change. You can often change your environment (in this case, the waiting) by communicating (in this case, creating movement). Be the change you want to see, and all that.

As a final thought, if you're an assertive person who needs things to be "done" and bf needs things to be "thought out", this will come up often in your relationship. If this is the case, you're dealing with opposing fundamental needs, which can mean that compromise is going to become your best friend. In this scenario, if you can't talk to wife for whatever reason, I think it's completely fair to request a compromise in the form of "please can we have this sorted out by 20/25/30th November?"

This would meet bf's need to pick the best moment while encouraging him to grow in the sense of assertiveness, and it meets your need to get things done while encouraging you to grow in the sense of practicing patience, compassion, and flexibility.
 
. . . I hope she will bring up he & I spending time with each other and give me an opportunity to gauge her outlook and attitude without either of us being liquored LOL.

I don't understand why you think she has to bring it up first. You have every right to discuss whatever it is you need to discuss. Just because it is about her husband doesn't mean she is in charge of all conversations having to do with him. All you need to do to start the conversation is to say, "I've been thinking a lot about what we talked about last time, and..."
 
Why she has to start the conversation? Out of politeness, also it is as social cue that she is comfortable with the topic & I have no desire to make her uncomfortable..... I want to be friends with her for years to come :) it's a Canadian thing.... Worrying about appearing rude LOL

Patience was required, he brought it up today :)

Thank you for all the tips!
 
I don't understand why you think she has to bring it up first. You have every right to discuss whatever it is you need to discuss . . .
Why she has to start the conversation? Out of politeness . . .
Hmm. Well, it never would have occurred to me that being the one to start a conversation is rude. If that were the case, everyone would be squirming in their seats hoping that somebody else would bring up the topic they wanted to discuss, but yet no one would be talking!

Well, I hope the discussion went well with him. Please come back and give us all an update.
 
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