Refitting Broken Pieces (MMF Polyfidelity)

literarylizzle

New member
I am seeking the insights of those experienced with the path of polyfidelity. My circumstances have been evolving through a tragedy which I feel was meant ultimately to make us ready for this path, but things are complicated.

My husband and I were married for almost six years when we came to the mutual conclusion that our monogamous marriage covenant no longer served us, and we desired a change to polyfidelity, in which we were open to members of both genders to join and expand into a larger family unit. My husband is straight, and I am bi, but we were open to exploring possibilities of connection with bisexual and straight females, and straight men.

For us, polyfidelity was a deeply spiritual covenant which wasn't meant to be undertaken lightly. We prayed together and separately as we began to search poly-centric dating sites. And it wasn't long before things took a swift and interesting turn.

In love, it seems it always comes from where you least expect it. In addition to being a stay-at-home mother and grad student, I was also working as a webcam model. And one evening, I connected out of the blue with someone who was a client. Out of hundreds of men, with whom I had never had any kind of personal interactions... suddenly, there he was. We had an instant connection that was inexplicable and so very powerful. And he was actually very conservative and an active duty sailor in the Navy...someone who'd never even heard of polyfidelity. Yet he was astonishingly open to the idea, willing to explore it.

My husband and I had agreed that in the event that we discovered someone acceptable, we would discuss them with one another and if in mutual agreement, we would proceed. He agreed to "meet" my sailor via Skype, as he was several states away at the time.

They seemed to hit it off as potential "brother husbands" very well. They had the same political perspective and love of firearms. They talked for hours on the phone in the spirit of getting to know one another. And in the meantime, the "new relationship energy" between my sailor and I was flowing like a river bursting forth from a dam. This proved to evoke a degree of jealousy from my husband, because he felt I wasn't paying adequate attention to him. And then, one unfortunate afternoon after a month had gone by, the roof seemed to crash in on us.

I discovered that my husband had been looking at the "casual encounters" section of craigslist, which was extremely out of bounds for the parameters we had agreed upon. We were looking for people seeking a polyfidelitous covenant, not people who were interested in NSA sex or swinging. This served to bring up an issue that had boiled beneath the surface for so long: two prior instances in which my husband had been unfaithful to me, as I had discovered by interactions and encounters he'd been setting up online. I absolutely went to pieces...everything that had been so long buried that I thought was dealt with and put away came roaring out. I shared our struggles with my sailor, who had a legitimate concern that if my husband was straying outside of the marriage for sexual encounters with strangers, he could potentially bring diseases to the rest of us. We had several conference calls together to discuss this, but no progress was made. I was becoming more and more distraught; I couldn't lay the past to rest anymore and I couldn't accept my husband's statement that he was only looking, not seeking. Within a few weeks, in a state of grief and betrayal, I chose to leave my husband and be monogamous with my sailor.

A terrible, painful year passed. At times, I felt like I hated my husband for betraying my trust. I mourned for the happy family we had created together, for the marriage vows that were now meaningless and dead. We fought sometimes and said cruel things that make my blood run cold to remember them. But by the time a little over a year had come and gone, I realized something unimaginable had happened on its own... I had forgiven him. What had happened in the past was finally where it belonged: in the past. Civility between us became possible. Then, some semblance of friendship. And now, we're on the cusp of having evolved around to the point where loving one another again looks to be a viable possibility.

And I now realize that the blowing up and splitting apart wasn't something unfortunate at all, despite how painful it was. The choice to enter into a polyfidelitous covenant meant an abandonment of our old covenant... so the old marriage vows we had exchanged would be exchanged for new ones. When we prayed for God to guide us on this path, to make us ready and able to embark upon it, that's exactly what (S)He did. All of the old anger and resentment we held onto beneath the surface while we smiled and pretended everything was fine in our daily lives had to be ripped up and blown away. We needed the time apart to grow into the two whole, autonomous people that we are now. Before, we were enmeshed to the point of being almost indiscernable. Everything he did was based on what he thought I wanted him to be, while I was merely a shadow of what I should be for him, for our family, myself. He pursued stronger relationships with his family, my family, and friends, grew his hair long like he always wanted, began to pursue a career that he enjoys as opposed to continuing to pursue a degree path that he no longer felt a passion for. I wrote three novels and obtained representation by a literary agent, finished my Master's degree, and got a job as a college professor. I admitted myself to a hospital for a week in the aftermath of our separation, and discovered a medication which has granted me a degree of clarity and stability I have never before experienced. We are both at this moment better than we have been in our lives.

So from the moment we asked God to prepare us for this path, through all the pain, and up to this very minute, I feel like we have been readied to go forward. We're now on solid ground and fortified to welcome our next movements forward.

Time is going to take time, however. My husband resents my sailor intensely, admits that he is angry that in all the years he supported me and encouraged me to write my thesis and my novels, I never did...but when my sailor came along, it finally happened. HE wanted to be the one who inspired me to make these things happen, he told me tonight. I have tried to explain that this is how I know he is right for us... when my husband and I could no longer be as one, my sailor helped me to help myself to stand up on new ground, in a new way, so I could come back around and be the woman for them that I needed to be. My husband now claims that he doesn't want to share a covenant with my sailor, just with me and with other women. And my sailor is resentful of my husband basically because he's resentful of him, because he feels like he was put in the middle (he was :( ) unfairly, but he never did anything to my husband; I was the one making choices.

I don't know how to help heal this situation. I can't bear to admit to myself the possibility that it might not be possible, because my heart only feels whole when I close my eyes and picture them both. I just feel like we are all meant to be together, that all of this has just been one step following the one before it in an evolutionary process. I feel like a woman is going to enter into the picture when we're ready, and there will be balance. This is where I feel really lost and in over my head. My relationship with my sailor is solid. My relationship with my husband is moving back into place. But otherwise I feel like Bella between Edward and Jacob. A part of me wants to encourage my husband to search for a connection with a poly-minded female and to begin to build his own relationship with her, in hopes that we can all adjust to each other as time goes...but oh my lord, do I ever NOT want to even think for a split second about involving another person in an as-yet unstable circumstance, or see the burden of "fixing" things as something someone should be esoterically tasked with...but I just see our situation as being leveled off when there is a balance, two women, two men, as opposed to a MMF triad in which I think they both have the mindset of confusion about who is supposed to be "alpha". I am just not sure. I am just overwhelmed and uncertain but know that I love them both so much that it hurts and I just want us all to be okay.
 
you will never make this work. There is animosity between these men that you created. Now they each see the other one as a problem. You overreacted with the Craigslist thing. You had two men and went off the deep end when you saw him looking at Craigslist. It's good you were able to better yourselves in each others absence but now that you are individuals I don't see much chance of them standing for sharing a woman and dredging up bad memories.
 
Hi Lizzie, welcome to poly and the board.

Whew! You've got a lot going on. I hope it helped to write it all out.

Your h has cheated on you twice (that you know of)
You have forgiven him
He again was seeking casual hookups on CL (somehow you found out)
You are a "webcam model" (getting naked and sexy for strangers for pay, I assume)
Through one of these casual encounters, you connected with a guy and fell in love
Your bf is "conservative" yet gets his jollies paying for cybersex
You and your h are praying people (Christians?) yet see nothing wrong with you being a sex worker or trying to be polyamorous
You went crazy with NRE for new guy and neglected your h
Your guys are struggling for supremacy in your affections
Your new guy inspired you to write 3 books
Your h wants a gf, either just for sex or for a real relationship
You thought you and he were on the same page (praying for a male partner for you, OR a female partner to share?) but you're not

Meanwhile, you want to be in a MFM sandwich, and fantasize that is the only way you will be happy, even if your h wants another woman as well. What if your new bf decided a year or so from now (once NRE wears off) that he wants 2 women as well?

Like many poly newbies (and I was there once, we all were!) our realities do not exactly match up with our ideals. So, now what do you do?

I see a bit of hypocrisy on your part, around the part where you hit the roof when you discovered somehow (suspicion and snooping?) that your h was looking on CL for casual hookups, while you yourself are a sex worker, also having casual (for pay) cyber-hookups on a regular basis. The only difference as I see it is, you get paid, while he might be having sex for real.

By the way, have you discussed safer sex? Do you trust him to use condoms? Does he trust you to use condoms with Sailor?

I also see a problem with trust between you and your h over setting goals. He prayed with you for a good partner for being poly-fi with, yet was secretly looking for casual hookups. Did he feel pressured into agreeing to poly-fi, when obviously this wasn't his true goal?

Some people are polyamorous, some are polysexual. If your h doesn't want to live with you and your sailor in MFM "bliss," but wants a woman, or women, that is his right. (He is a straight dude after all.) You can't force a square peg into a round hole. OTOH, lots of times r'ships that start out as mere casual sex often turn into something serious. That happened to you! Your Sailor was a paying customer, paying you to make him cum, yet he fell in love with you and vice versa.

Meanwhile, is Sailor still deployed far away from you? Will he be passing in and out of your meatspace, or is there any chance for a real r'ship, frequent actual dates, living in the same town, or eventually in the same house?

Also, you've got a kid or kids. How are they dealing with the rift between you and their dad?
 
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Thanks for your honesty. Yeah, it's all fucked up and I know it's my fault. I made so many mistakes and have been very hypocritical. I didn't realize it at the time but I was bipolar and needed lithium, hence a lot of the overreaction and choices. That doesn't make it okay by any means but I may have chosen differently if I had been more mentally under control. We're not Christian, just spiritual in a general sense. And the little ones are still young toddlers; we've been careful with them, and kept our role as parents separate from our interpersonal struggles. And my sailor recently retired, so we're all in the same place now.
 
Your little ones (2 of them?) are toddlers, yet you and your husband have been separated for over a year? I call toddlers kids from age 1 year to just about 3 1/2. Whose child is the younger kid, your husband's or Sailor's?

How did you manage to separate from your husband, but continue to try and get back together, meanwhile, establish a relationship with Sailor, give birth to your second child, and raise 2 very young demanding children, finish your Masters, write 3 novels, land a job as a college professor, commit yourself to a mental hospital, find a proper medication (go to psych counseling too probably), all in the space of one year? Did you continue as a sex worker all this past year as well?

My goodness. I didn't do anything when my kids were that young except hope for a shower twice a week. I guess being bipolar and maniacally energetic helped?

I have known some bipolar people who bite off more than they can chew, take on a million projects, jobs, hobbies, change boats in midstream, chuck it all and go off with a new partner, etc etc.

I can't help but think that your ideas of Fate: "We are all meant to be together!" is not working, you might need to adjust your thinking to something more doable.
 
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How did you manage to separate from your husband, but continue to try and get back together, meanwhile, establish a relationship with Sailor, give birth to your second child, and raise 2 very young demanding children, finish your Masters, write 3 novels, land a job as a college professor, commit yourself to a mental hospital, find a proper medication (go to psych counseling too probably), all in the space of one year? Did you continue as a sex worker all this past year as well?

:) I just laughed so hard I snorted. That is definitely a big year. I feel like such a slacker.
 
I think the fact that your husband wants you to end a relationship you flourished in AND restrict you to be a side partner only to him and some other woman/women shows he still doesn't own his part in the split between the two of you as well as doesn't have your best interests held as important as his own insecurities.
Don't go back to a destructive (to you) person at the cost of someone who loved you and let you thrive on your own direction.
 
:) I just laughed so hard I snorted. That is definitely a big year. I feel like such a slacker.

I too feel like a slacker... Lol

I barely have enough time to manage my boring life. :p

All I have to juggle is two husbands (separate households), my job, 2 kids who are a tween and school aged, and some pets.
 
I am sorry you struggle. :(

FWIW, I don't see you that you are hearing him. I snipped the extra text, but here's the quote bits I am talking about:

My husband resents my sailor intensely. HE wanted to be the one who inspired me to make these things happen -- my writing, etc.

I have tried to explain that this is how I know he is right for us... when my husband and I could no longer be as one, my sailor helped me to help myself to stand up on new ground

To me? He's basically expressing disappointment/sadness that he wasn't the one to inspire your writing.
And instead of saying something like "I see you are disappointed/sad" and validating how he feels?

You go on about how Sailor is so great for you.

How is this comforting sadness? I could see why husband gets resentful. He could park it in the right spot and be resentful of YOU -- here he is telling you his sad stuff and you are distracted with Sailor and not paying attention. I wonder if he thinks getting rid of Sailor will bring your attention back? If so, I think that is why he's parking his resentments at Sailor's head inappropriately. Rather than on you for not listening.

To me this seems like poly hell stuff combined with communication stuff. He could learn to express his needs clearly -- if he needed comfort, he could say so straight up rather than leave you to infer. (Cuz you are NRE -ish about Sailor.)

You could consider working on your listening skills -- listen to understand him and how he feels right now -- where he's coming from and in his context. Provide appropriate response for the situation -- like ask if he needs comforting.

Not be listening for support to move your dream forward -- the MFM dream. And provide inappropriate response for the situation and ask him to be excited about Sailor being a potential poly partner like you are.

Are you able to see that happening there?

Could think about looking at NVC. Not just for the needs inventory but for improving communication. Marshall Rosenberg has several books - here is one.

That is what I would do to help heal the situation. It might not arrive at the MFM dream over time, but I think it couldn't hurt to improve how you talk/listen with the father of your kids since you still have to coparent.

You think they are struggling with who is the "alpha" or "primary." That's jumping ahead to me. We don't even have "all parties willing and able" yet to BEGIN TO TALK about how to be together in healthy polyship.
  • Husband is not willing at this time.
  • I'm not sure you are all ABLE with communication skills that could need work

If you notice them getting all alpha-y you could tell them to cut it out.
  • At this time, you and Husband are coparents.
  • You two are also separated.
  • You and Sailor have been dating a while.

There's no alpha going on there. It is what it is at this time.

Alternately -- YOU are the hinge, YOU be the alpha for now. In that sense? Could tell them cut it out already!
Acting out fighting isn't going to make you love them better/harder. If anything, it helps you loose respect or the one acting out their fear/anger towards people rather than talking it out calmly and with better conflict resolution.

Galagirl
 
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If all this is to be believed....

So, your husband grew his hair long, developed better relationships with his family, and began pursuing a career he always wanted -- but did none of that while with you. Yet he is upset that you did not write three books while you were with him and now he resents your bf. So, it's okay for him to find himself and grow when you were apart, but not for you to do that as well? This is a very domineering stance. Basically, he is a bully and I would be extremely cautious about fully reconnecting with him. At the very least, do not to sign up again for the same type of entwined partnership/marriage you had before. Keep some distance. You may have forgiven him his infidelities, but he has not forgiven you for blossoming without him, and that is unacceptable.
 
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I don't know how to help heal this situation. I can't bear to admit to myself the possibility that it might not be possible, because my heart only feels whole when I close my eyes and picture them both. I just feel like we are all meant to be together, that all of this has just been one step following the one before it in an evolutionary process. I feel like a woman is going to enter into the picture when we're ready, and there will be balance. This is where I feel really lost and in over my head. My relationship with my sailor is solid. My relationship with my husband is moving back into place. But otherwise I feel like Bella between Edward and Jacob.

This last part I would agree with, because it seems to me that you are romanticizing your situation quite a bit. You've got yourself a magnificent drama sandwich going on and you're talking about your heart feeling whole when you close your eyes... what?

I strongly suggest you sit the romance novels down, take a deep breath, and with a clear and rational mind re-read all of the posts that these fine folks have laid out for you.

my sailor recently retired, so we're all in the same place now.

The whole magnificent drama sandwich is all cuddled up in the same four walls currently? How is everyone behaving?
 
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