Unbiased list of pros/cons for mono vs poly

detritus

New member
Hi all. My husband and I are very new to poly. We've been married for almost a year and together for five, and have been discussing the possibility of polyamory for a couple years. Over the last couple months, he's dated two different women. The relationship with the first she ended after 3 weeks. The new girl he has been seeing for a couple weeks and I think they are on date #3. I'm definitely struggling with jealousy and (more so) fear and insecurity and he's definitely getting inpatient and frustrated with me and doesn't like feeling like his actions are causing me a lot of pain.

However, I still see the potential for poly to be good for us and I want to be sure we don't give up on it because of personal issues that should be dealt with no matter what relationship style we choose to persue. So...I've been looking high and low for an unbiased list of pros and cons for each kind of relationship. To no avail. I'm sick of religious moralists saying monogamy is the only ethical way, and sick of poly propoganda saying that poly somehow more evolved or higher-minded.

What are the real pros and cons, assuming your mental health and communication are good in either case? Stuff that doesn't go away once you work through painful issues. Thanks everyone.
 
Interesting question. I can't believe that I can't think of any other threads that address this question. Even though Mono and I have talked about it. It is likely not evident in other threads what the answer is to you question, but if you are interested... you could do a search in the tags for "mono poly" "monopoly" or the like... there is a lot of info... although not specific to the question. There is little on the threads gone before on either mono or poly being better over the other... just so you know.

Benefits to mono.... you get to be the one and only person of someone who is not going to wander, have eyes for another, seek out more sex or love from another... everything is about you in every aspect of their emotionally connected life. At least hypothetically ;) I believe that some people can actually pull that off, or are actually built this way. Its like a dream to me as a person who thrives on a lot of attention and a focus for her love in return. Others find it tiresome and a weight upon their shoulders when someone is that focused on them. It is certainly a lot easier and one can concentrate on something other than their relationship life... at least in terms of my life anyway.

Mono is an easier ride for many as it is handed to us... the rules are set there for us to follow. We can rely on them and fall back on them... that feeling can be a relief sometimes, yet it can also mean a lack of adventure and become stale in a relationship.

Benefits to poly..... you can spread your love around or experience your partners love being spread around. That can manifest in some fun sexual experiences to some amazingly close friendships and community building with people who are like minded and just as willing to love you as your partner. It can be an adventure that pushes most people to the edge of their comfort, only to find that they are capable of huge amounts of acceptance of others and self love.

There is abundance of loving feelings when poly is done in such as a way to expand on that feeling... sometimes it isn't or someone within your realm is not capable of accomplishing that. When it's going well, it is an incredibly world expanding, holistic feeling. When it isn't going well, it feels incredibly vulnerable and over extended.
 
Redpepper, I was hoping you would respond. You bring up some interesting ideas. I think I find myself vacillating between wanting the easy, predictable comfort of monogamy and the unlimited adventure of poly. Right now comfort is really all I want, but I know I'm feeling pushed to my limits and not like my normal self.

The issue that triggered my question is that my husband told me a few days ago he'd be going out on a date with, let's call her A, on Saturday. I said ok, what time? For days he resisted telling me when he would be gone. Finally this morning he said the party he'd be going to at A's was from 2pm to 2am. "Wow, a 12 hour party, huh? All day alone?" Only after really pushing did I get him to say "of course" he was planning in coming home in the early evening. He was kind of offended that I couldn't just know that and be prepared to spend "a couple hours" on my own. He said he didn't want to plan his day because he wanted to be "spontaneous". Aside from feeling hurt because knowing generally how long we'd be out with others was one of our ground rules, I was thinking "well, poly just ain't gonna work for you then." It seems to me that poly always requires a lot of planning and time management and that there isn't a lot of room for spontaneity. Would you agree?
 
So...I've been looking high and low for an unbiased list of pros and cons for each kind of relationship. To no avail. I'm sick of religious moralists saying monogamy is the only ethical way, and sick of poly propoganda saying that poly somehow more evolved or higher-minded.

What are the real pros and cons, assuming your mental health and communication are good in either case? Stuff that doesn't go away once you work through painful issues. Thanks everyone.

I just finished reading "Polyamory in the 21st Century" by Deborah Anapol. In the last chapter she addresses this topic.
Also-she isn't "pro-poly" or "pro-monogamy".
She's anti- "forced monogamy" (meaning that she thinks people should be free to choose monogamy or poly or whatever). I found her to be pretty un-biased. She doesn't take the "if you aren't poly you aren't shit" attitude. Which I greatly appreciated.

Also-I found out about her in the first place from "Mono" on here-who is... well VERY mono. :) He preferred her books over other poly books because she's not so cocky and arrogant. She's very... "mono friendly" so to speak.
 
It seems to me that poly always requires a lot of planning and time management and that there isn't a lot of room for spontaneity. Would you agree?

I'm not RP-but if I may, I'll respond.

No, not always. But, yes, mostly.

There are times when spontaneity can be had, and that's awesome, but with every person you add to your life, that is reduced. This isn't just a "poly" thing. It's true of family life. I have 4 kids-with each additional kid, a bit less spontaneous time was available.

I have a husband and a boyfriend as well. There aren't a lot of times when spontaneity is possible, because I have responsibilities and commitments to each of those people.

HOWEVER-as I type this I am in Florida on a trip. That opportunity popped up spontaneously last week. A friend offered me a ticket and I accepted. If I wasn't polyamorous-it wouldn't have been possible because of my responsibility to my kids. But-because I am poly, I have extra people who can pick up the responsibility to my kids for 4 days.

In this case, polyamory was the reason I COULD be spontaneous.

Your REAL question (it seems to me) is-was it reasonable of him to assume that he could "spontaneously" make plans to go out-without making plans for going out. My answer to that would be, no. That isn't a poly issue. That's a respect issue.
It's disrespectful to not work with your loved ones to assure that your timing is appropriate not only for yourself but also for them as well. This is true of parent/child, friend/friend, husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, metamour/spouse and damn near every other meaningful relationship. Hell, it's even true of supervisor/employee and coworker/coworker relationships!
 
Thanks for the responses everyone. LovingRadiance, I actually just found a short article by Deborah Anapol on Psychology Today that addressed my question a little bit. I didn't realize she had also written a book. I'll check it out, thank you! I spoke again with my husband about what happened this morning and he apologized. Nerves were worn thin and not enough sleep had been had, and he sees now he was in the wrong. We're both pretty exhausted and wrung out from all the changes to our lives lately--work, friends, family, plus the relationship changing. It's been a tumultuous last couple months. We don't have/want kids, so I think that makes it a little different in regards to adding partners reducing the workload...though I wouldn't say no if someone wanted to cat sit so we could take a spontaneous trip. :)
 
spontaneity in poly is a difficult one. Especially if you aren't used to it... having a partner to consider is like having a child sometimes perhaps. I have a child though, so I don't know the difference maybe. I always have to consider when I will be home for sitters or to make sure I spend time with my boy. I can't just go and do whatever a lot of the time, or leave a party that is 12 hours long to my spontaneous self. I have to have a plan a lot of the time. In monogamy, when one doesn't have a child and they want to go and do whatever whenever they want, there is nothing holding them back like another partner or child. I can imagine that might be new to your husband and something that he would have to get used to. Definitely a down fall to monogamy... :p
 
Poly
Love more than one

Mono
Love only one

Both have their own pros. Monogamy is somewhat protected, your heart is no longer out there to be broken. There is a safety in the minimalism that can be monogamy (I say can be, because most of us know all to well that monogamy usually happens back to back). Poly leaves you open to being vulnerable. In that vulnerability to can find strength. But it does leave you open to hurt. Poly also allows you to love more than one. There is a power in being able to give that to people honestly. I get great joy from loving .. my lovers.. and in turn being loved...

You are on a poly board asking poly people pro and cons. Its been so long since I have been monogamous, the only benefit I can see is protection. So I know for me, I cant answer this question very honestly.
 
You are on a poly board asking poly people pro and cons. Its been so long since I have been monogamous, the only benefit I can see is protection. So I know for me, I cant answer this question very honestly.

I know, I know. I'm aware of the irony. Still, there are a few mono people on the board, or people in mono/poly relationships that I thought might have some thoughts. Or, at the very least, people who are little newer to poly whose memories of being monogamous are little fresher.

I think your description of finding strength in being vulnerable is apt. The raw vulnerability I'm feeling right now is *really* exhausting, but I'm finally starting to relax into it. Hubby and I curled up last night to watch a movie together and started talking about the different kinds of people we find attractive, our crushes, etc. We haven't done that in a while, and I always enjoy it. And I finally had the realization that when he wants to date other women who are different from me in whatever way, I shouldn't see it as a criticism of me--he isn't saying he wants me to be more like them in that way. It's just being attracted to different things, in different people, in different ways. So I guess remaining vulnerable for these last couple months is starting to pay off.
 
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short and sweet

Pros: Take a look at my photo albums :) Lots of love and family :D

Cons: not where I am wired and conditioned to be socially.
 
Thanks for the responses everyone. LovingRadiance, I actually just found a short article by Deborah Anapol on Psychology Today that addressed my question a little bit. I didn't realize she had also written a book. I'll check it out, thank you! I spoke again with my husband about what happened this morning and he apologized. Nerves were worn thin and not enough sleep had been had, and he sees now he was in the wrong. We're both pretty exhausted and wrung out from all the changes to our lives lately--work, friends, family, plus the relationship changing. It's been a tumultuous last couple months. We don't have/want kids, so I think that makes it a little different in regards to adding partners reducing the workload...though I wouldn't say no if someone wanted to cat sit so we could take a spontaneous trip. :)

You're welcome. She has three books. I've read two-both were good. ;)
 
To me, I consider poly to be something of a sexual orientation, less of a lifestyle per se.

That is, even when I'm in a single loving relationship, the intimate connections, the desire for other forms of connection, all of that stuff is still there.

For ME, the difference between mono and poly IN MY CASE would be denying myself the ability to "be me".

I'm not one of those militant poly folk. I describe my own feelings on poly as an orientation, and I give equal credit to folks who would say the same about being mono.

Other than that, I don't think there are benefits to mono vs poly, honestly.

I will say that I think people who identify as poly GENERALLY are better at relationships IN GENERAL. This doesn't mean that people who are poly ARE better naturally. The world assume's you're monogamous and it takes courageous, strong and adept people to stand up to the world and say "I defy your assumption". People who aren't great at relationships generally don't build that strength, and especially enough to maintain multiple ones at the same time.

A strong relationship will be wonderful and joyous, difficult and nervewracking. It doesn't matter if it's mono or poly and both can be fulfilling IF it suits your nature. The only benefit or drawback to either or both would be "it is natural to me".
 
My ex and I were mono for 20+ years, and he was v jealous of any feelings I had for anyone else. I felt evil for having a roving eye and causing him pain.

He used to deny he ever felt anything for anyone else. He lied, just to try and make me "behave." Once we finally started exploring being poly, he admitted to imagining sex with every attractive woman he saw...

So, we wasted decades denying those kinds of feelings, lying, hiding, pretending. Lots of "mono" people aren't really mono, they are just acting the way they think they are supposed to act, and because they can't deal with jealousy.
 
He used to deny he ever felt anything for anyone else. He lied, just to try and make me "behave." Once we finally started exploring being poly, he admitted to imagining sex with every attractive woman he saw...

So, we wasted decades denying those kinds of feelings, lying, hiding, pretending. Lots of "mono" people aren't really mono, they are just acting the way they think they are supposed to act, and because they can't deal with jealousy.

I kind of wonder what really makes someone mono though? Is it not having any sexual thoughts/desires aimed at other people if you are in a happy committed relationship, or is it having those thoughts/desires but putting more value on sexual fidelity than on entertaining those thoughts? Is jealously really the only thing keeping people who claim to be monogamous from acting on their sexual thoughts toward others? Because I certainly have sexual thoughts about other people than my husband, and I know he does too. That's never bothered me, though I know a lot of friends who have heard him or me say something to that affect in their presence act like we should be bothered. You know "the list" that some couples have of 10 or so celebrities they are allowed to sleep with? Our lists don't seem to have an end, and we enjoy talking to each other about who is on our lists. Does that make us both poly, even though we are struggling with a lot of new emotions as we open up our relationship? A number of people here, whether mono or poly, have described it as an orientation rather than a choice. My husband has said that the more he learns about and tries polyamory, the more he feels like it *is* his orientation. The trouble is, I kind of feel like I can't hear the "real me" under all the turbulent emotions I'm feeling caused by what feels like a really big change to our relationship.
 
I kind of wonder what really makes someone mono though?

In my opinion, and only specific to my own inner workings... ..monogamy can be viewed as both an ability and as an inablilty: The ability to be completely fulfilled by a sole partner both emotionally and sexually or an inability to love more than one partner with genuine emotional and sexual connection..... I say genuine because a state of monogamy can be assumed by people who aren't actually monogamous...it can be "faked" as well.

I am only romantically connected with one person at a time. When I am connected in that way, my sexuallity is fulfilled completely by that partner . It doesn't mean that that partner has to engage in every act of sex I like either...individual acts are not what fulfill me......it's the energy fueled by love that does. I experience more fulfillment in kisses from Redpepper than I ever did with someone I just hooked up with and had sex with.

This also doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the sexuality of other people ( a hot ass is still a hot ass LOL)...but I don't want to share in their sexuality or be touched by their intimate energy.

Jealousy should not be a motivator to assume a state of monogamy...that is fear based.... monogamy is based on fulfillment and healthy love, just as poly is :)
 
I kind of wonder what really makes someone mono though? Is it not having any sexual thoughts/desires aimed at other people if you are in a happy committed relationship, or is it having those thoughts/desires but putting more value on sexual fidelity than on entertaining those thoughts? Is jealously really the only thing keeping people who claim to be monogamous from acting on their sexual thoughts toward others?

No, but it can be part of it.

Because I certainly have sexual thoughts about other people than my husband, and I know he does too. That's never bothered me, though I know a lot of friends who have heard him or me say something to that affect in their presence act like we should be bothered. You know "the list" that some couples have of 10 or so celebrities they are allowed to sleep with? Our lists don't seem to have an end, and we enjoy talking to each other about who is on our lists. Does that make us both poly, even though we are struggling with a lot of new emotions as we open up our relationship?

Not necessarily, but it helps! I love that about me and my gf. We love to point out urban hotties to each other as we walk or drive around Boston. My ex wouldve felt so threatened in our early decades if i mentioned liking the looks of anyone but him. But that was just him.

A number of people here, whether mono or poly, have described it as an orientation rather than a choice. My husband has said that the more he learns about and tries polyamory, the more he feels like it *is* his orientation. The trouble is, I kind of feel like I can't hear the "real me" under all the turbulent emotions I'm feeling caused by what feels like a really big change to our relationship.

Interesting way to put it. And I am sorry you're suffering. The real you is changing and evolving and you will find a new normal as the dust settles and you find the benefits as well beyond the pain.
 
My husband has said that the more he learns about and tries polyamory, the more he feels like it *is* his orientation. The trouble is, I kind of feel like I can't hear the "real me" under all the turbulent emotions I'm feeling caused by what feels like a really big change to our relationship.

It's possible that the storm of emotions you're experiencing about your relationship changing might be caused by an attachment to, or need for, thinking that things should always stay the same. Even when the changes are something we want to happen, there's always our cultural and/or familial conditioning that tells us what marriage and relationships should be, how they should go. So, you've got conflicting pictures in your head: what you were raised or conditioned to believe, and what you are now finding exciting and satisfying -- and the two are likely vastly different from each other.

That's okay, the two can co-exist. You just don't have to give credence to the picture that is not aligned with who you are. Know it's there, part of you, but not what you want in your life. Nor do you need to entertain the drama and conflict. People will also often think we should be caught up in a lot of sturm und drang when we have our beliefs and ideals challenged, but if you step back and just observe your thought processes without judging them, you can find a lot of freedom to be more comfortable with who you are, your choices, and how you create the life and relationships you want to feel happy. It's okay to go against the grain! Give yourself permission, that's all.
 
In terms of positive and negatives...I feel there are loads of positives, and I can see that many people have already raised those..

A negative for me is that I really, really struggle with time management. I believe relationships require a significant (and the definition of significant will be different for each relationship) investment of time. I struggle with finding the time needed to feed multiple relationships to a level where they are given the room and space to flourish and to find their strength.

I'm certainly guilty of packing too much (or maybe just a lot) into my life from time to time...it's often the case that something has to give...and then I struggle to work out what's best to let slip.

Sometimes I feel I simply don't have the time to achieve all the things I want to achieve...and to maintain relationships to the level I need/want. I'm finding this to be the biggest problem for me...and it is the biggest factor in me doubting poly for myself. So, that's the drawback for me - a practical issue..
 
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