bubblesshine
New member
I do realize providing background facts would be very helpful on this post. First I would like for any of you reading to know I have been a forum user for over a year. But the people in my poly life have used my blog and posts here against me. I need to write, I need to post but no longer as who I was.
Situation: marriage opened to poly last summer, not much luck for me on dating and finding other loves (well there was one but he's been veto'd and we didn't even have a veto policy), our relationship for last 21 years has been filled with lies on his part, me cheating in retaliation, and now we're at a precipice where we both are finally saying "WE'RE BROKEN".
Recent events: June I went and met a guy some hours away. He's a Master/Dom, I came home with marks on me (just mild bruising nothing painful) and really formed a deep connection with this guy. Finally I felt peace inside me. Spouse lost it not comprehending how I could want to be marked up. This was a person who once wanted to Dom me and now, all of a sudden, he does not condone it. A week later I find out this new guy had not fully disclosed to me the safe sex health of his other partners. He has a girlfriend with HSV2. I was in a moment, a moment to decide whether not to tell my spouse about this...(the new guy was tested 2 weeks before we met and was neg but I didn't know he fluid bonded with this girl or that she has hsv2) and I decided to provide full disclosure.
Damn did that bite me in my ass. I was given ultimatums that if I went back spouse would never have sex with me again. A few hours later, an ultimatum our marriage would be over.
So many times since my spouse started seeing his girlfriend did I want to pull an ultimatum but never did. I couldn't because my "issues" in our relationship had/have nothing to do with her. But for some reason, there's a double standard when it comes to me. Seriously! This entire poly has been one huge double standard. I get accused of being "controlling" yet, any time, a date, a guy whose flakey, whatever my spouse lets me know that he doesn't like it. There truly has been no freedom for me this last year.
What I had a problem with these ultimatums was no one was giving me the time I needed to get out of the subspace I was in from three straight days with a Dom, no one was letting me chew on the whole situation. I was sent a text asking me what's in my heart right then (three thursdays ago). I was honest, I couldn't lie. And my answer didn't mean that's what I'd be doing:
I said "I still want to go see Jim. But I'm torn". Well that response...frickin bit me in the ass and I've burned myself.
The next day spouse texted he's going away for a few days (this was a Friday) to think about us. Whether he wanted to remain married. It was so damn hot here that weekend too. Causing me tons of breathing problems on top of the grief I started experiencing. I was getting punished...and not punished just for this guy but for over 21 years of things my spouse has never let go of. And he says I don't forgive or forget.
He comes home late Saturday (all this time he's "thinking" about us he is with his girlfriend...a behavioral analyst). Sunday he works. When he gets home we go over our lists. Both lists are negatives...nothing about positives at all. It appears we both felt that hashing out the negatives would be great to figure out if it's worth working on. The biggest area is no TRUST at all. Neither of us trust the other. We hash through it...he's saying we can never get trust back, you just have to have it. Well I disagree...but you know, his girlfriend has said so much to him...like couples this far out shouldn't go to marriage counseling. Really? She really said that? Wow because she's been married 5 years longer than us and she and he hub are going to counseling.
Oh...I've tested for HSV2 since I went to see this guy. Neg and I go back in October. Sorry...didn't give that info above.
So going to bed Sunday...we've agreed to work on us. Sex/making love Monday morning....but I was still in a bad emotional place. I was still grieving and really wanted him with me Monday night. Monday is his overnight. I requested Sunday night for him to cancel his Monday since he spent Thurs to late Sat with his girlfriend. I get accused of "controling". Fuck...I feel so damn stupid, looking back.
After work, he's not talking to me, not anything. I get in the bath, bawling my eyes out and tell him that I think we should end it. He doesn't even care I am in pain. He doesn't want me to be happy. He leaves and again...I'm left at home, a broken heart with my three kiddos.
Tuesday he returns, we talk more and he agrees is dangling that after a week or two, we can discuss whether we can work on us or not, if it's worth it. That was two Tuesdays ago. So we've been working on things, but it just doesn't seem enough. We discuss days of the week: I get Wed & Fri, he has Mon & Thurs. Saturday days are to spend time with family. Also, he sees his girlfriend Mondays to Tuesday afternoon, visits her home Wed days while I'm at work, Thursday nights to Friday afternoons.
Situation: marriage opened to poly last summer, not much luck for me on dating and finding other loves (well there was one but he's been veto'd and we didn't even have a veto policy), our relationship for last 21 years has been filled with lies on his part, me cheating in retaliation, and now we're at a precipice where we both are finally saying "WE'RE BROKEN".
Recent events: June I went and met a guy some hours away. He's a Master/Dom, I came home with marks on me (just mild bruising nothing painful) and really formed a deep connection with this guy. Finally I felt peace inside me. Spouse lost it not comprehending how I could want to be marked up. This was a person who once wanted to Dom me and now, all of a sudden, he does not condone it. A week later I find out this new guy had not fully disclosed to me the safe sex health of his other partners. He has a girlfriend with HSV2. I was in a moment, a moment to decide whether not to tell my spouse about this...(the new guy was tested 2 weeks before we met and was neg but I didn't know he fluid bonded with this girl or that she has hsv2) and I decided to provide full disclosure.
Damn did that bite me in my ass. I was given ultimatums that if I went back spouse would never have sex with me again. A few hours later, an ultimatum our marriage would be over.
So many times since my spouse started seeing his girlfriend did I want to pull an ultimatum but never did. I couldn't because my "issues" in our relationship had/have nothing to do with her. But for some reason, there's a double standard when it comes to me. Seriously! This entire poly has been one huge double standard. I get accused of being "controlling" yet, any time, a date, a guy whose flakey, whatever my spouse lets me know that he doesn't like it. There truly has been no freedom for me this last year.
What I had a problem with these ultimatums was no one was giving me the time I needed to get out of the subspace I was in from three straight days with a Dom, no one was letting me chew on the whole situation. I was sent a text asking me what's in my heart right then (three thursdays ago). I was honest, I couldn't lie. And my answer didn't mean that's what I'd be doing:
I said "I still want to go see Jim. But I'm torn". Well that response...frickin bit me in the ass and I've burned myself.
The next day spouse texted he's going away for a few days (this was a Friday) to think about us. Whether he wanted to remain married. It was so damn hot here that weekend too. Causing me tons of breathing problems on top of the grief I started experiencing. I was getting punished...and not punished just for this guy but for over 21 years of things my spouse has never let go of. And he says I don't forgive or forget.
He comes home late Saturday (all this time he's "thinking" about us he is with his girlfriend...a behavioral analyst). Sunday he works. When he gets home we go over our lists. Both lists are negatives...nothing about positives at all. It appears we both felt that hashing out the negatives would be great to figure out if it's worth working on. The biggest area is no TRUST at all. Neither of us trust the other. We hash through it...he's saying we can never get trust back, you just have to have it. Well I disagree...but you know, his girlfriend has said so much to him...like couples this far out shouldn't go to marriage counseling. Really? She really said that? Wow because she's been married 5 years longer than us and she and he hub are going to counseling.
Oh...I've tested for HSV2 since I went to see this guy. Neg and I go back in October. Sorry...didn't give that info above.
So going to bed Sunday...we've agreed to work on us. Sex/making love Monday morning....but I was still in a bad emotional place. I was still grieving and really wanted him with me Monday night. Monday is his overnight. I requested Sunday night for him to cancel his Monday since he spent Thurs to late Sat with his girlfriend. I get accused of "controling". Fuck...I feel so damn stupid, looking back.
After work, he's not talking to me, not anything. I get in the bath, bawling my eyes out and tell him that I think we should end it. He doesn't even care I am in pain. He doesn't want me to be happy. He leaves and again...I'm left at home, a broken heart with my three kiddos.
Tuesday he returns, we talk more and he agrees is dangling that after a week or two, we can discuss whether we can work on us or not, if it's worth it. That was two Tuesdays ago. So we've been working on things, but it just doesn't seem enough. We discuss days of the week: I get Wed & Fri, he has Mon & Thurs. Saturday days are to spend time with family. Also, he sees his girlfriend Mondays to Tuesday afternoon, visits her home Wed days while I'm at work, Thursday nights to Friday afternoons.
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