Group hugs forever. How's that?
I'm feeling cautiously optimistic today.
Lots of talking, lots of openness and, somehow or another, I feel really good because, for some unknown reason, Redpepper feels better.
I am so confused, but happy to seemingly get this elephant out of the room....I really have no clue what just happened but I feel lighter
And no..it was not sex..I can't have sex when I am not connected...but now I am feeling REALLY connected!!
yessss, welllll, connection indeed
I am feeling better. We had a turn in the crossroads yesterday, as a result of days of sombre, quiet, sullen sadness on my part. We put emotion aside. We pretty much said "fuck it" and talked as openly as we could. I learned some stuff that I hadn't considered (for Mono to tell not me) and strategized about things he has compromised on that I couldn't do before now. He strategized about my compromises too.
We have come to the agreement that if he ever feels differently about Leo, then he will let me know. Until then, I will not touch him, other than in a friendly way, and not allow him to touch me.
WOW. So simple, yet so big! I had thought that that was it. No no no. Absolutely, under no circumstances, would I ever have a hope in hell of actively showing love and affection to another man I care about. He, it seems, thought that he had to suck it up and deal with it in order to allow me to be who I am. I am willing to wait until the cows come home on this, as long as he is willing to shift his opinion, if he finds himself feeling about Leo as he does about PN and Derby.
There is no promise here, just some hope for me. I just needed hope. I don't intend to pressure Mono. Leo is not worth pushing the issue on. We will be just fine being friends, if it is to be that way. It is more the idea of what he could be that is the issue.
I went from being a tightly-tethered horse to a horse in a pasture again, in one conversation, while grocery shopping.
Ahhhhhh, I can fucking breathe!!!!
I'm so fucked up.
(I am wondering now how many poly people are saying to themselves, "I too just need hope that I can expand on my love in the world," and how many mono people are saying, "Seriously? That is all you needed, hope that you can show affection to some guy?"