Redpepper's journey

Well, I have no desire to be poly-fi, so it would be silly of me to start a thread on it. I just thought, if you wanted information coming from others' experiences, instead of just hugs, it could be helpful for you.

I don't think we need another thread on going from mono to poly, since that is so common here as to be almost universal. A thread on going from open poly to poly-fi, or vice versa, would be interesting.
 
The type of thread you are suggesting is not something I want to talk about at the moment. Maybe later, but I am too raw. I was suggesting something different. Maybe this wasn't evident or of interest. Maybe I will post that too at some point. Right now I'm too busy working on how I feel about all this, so as to gain some semblance of normalcy for myself and not turn this into something it isn't. Thanks for the thought though, Mags.
 
I am good with this, it just seems to be settling in like a symbol that I am owned by my partners, rather than involved with them as an equal.

If I may, I'd like to offer the possible idea that you feel owned by one partner, Lilo. There's no debate that PN or Derby are not holding you back. I am. I'm do not feel unstable due to this idea, because it has always been this way. I do wonder though, how much of you holding back and denying yourself is due to external factors, such as family, the future, what we have built, the struggles and battles we have overcome with acceptance. If those factors are the glue that hold you to me, and not healthy fulfilling love, than that would be concerning. I've been in that type of relationship before and we've lectured people about this type of trap.

We have discussed alternatives of how to work around this issue, or at least explore it with an uncertain outcome. But nothing in life is certain.

There is still a while before you need to pick a path with Leo. I trust you will choose with the intent of fulfilling your heart, and not with the intent of protecting what we have built.

I am a mono guy in love and committed to a woman who has a husband and girlfriend, and yet I feel no internal boundaries with that. Externally, yes, it impacts me. But internally there is no struggle in loving you within this. You are a poly woman in love with a man that requires you to internally restrict your heart to have him in your life the way you want him. There is the difference.

It's not about being mono or poly. It's about one person being fulfilled with the partner they have, in a healthy way, who feels no chains or fences, and another partner being unfulfilled and having a constant awareness of being shackled. The only struggle I have is knowing that those shackles have been forged by my own heart.
 
Thanks for your input, Mono. This isn't yours to take on. This isn't about Leo right now, or you. It certainly is not your choice to decide what is best for me. Do me the honour of allowing me to decide for myself what is best.

I'm sorry you have to witness my pain. I prefer it this way. Please be happy. I make my decisions based on our family, not on me, at this point. That does not mean I am going to suck it all up and plaster a smile on my face right away. I need to process how I process so I can get back to being happy myself. I need time.
 
I am following my gut on this. I can only keep checking in with myself. I can't do much more. I'm trying to figure out who RP is in terms of Mono. Everything changes moment to moment right now, in terms of what I figure out.
 
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Each day, moment to moment, we make decisions which impact other parts of our lives. We make those decisions based on the information we have at that particular point in time. We make the best decision we can based on that information.

If scaling back your relationship with Leo is what it takes for YOU to live your life that way you need to live it, then so be it.

There is only ONE person who has to be happy with that decision, or at least accept it for what it is, and that is the person who made the decision in the first place.

Others may gripe and grumble & that is their right. BUT it is you, RP, who needs to be happy with it.

It sounds to me like you are getting to the point where you will be happy with that decision, when the time is right.

You were once friends with no deeper emotional attachment. It can be that way again. Just give it time :).

I love this forum and all the insights I get into other people and situations!:D

A toast:

*raises Coke can*

Here's to making the best decision we can make based on the information we have at the time!

Group hugs!
 
Once again, I'm late to the game but I wanted to also offer my support; wanted to voice that I agree with bella regarding the respect and admiration I have for you and your clan; and wanted to add my silky body to the group hug. :)

I also wanted to chime in on the post you wrote regarding the change in interaction/relationships once sex becomes a factor (specifically, merely mentioned).

Being a person who talks about sex with any and everyone, offering sex advice and sharing sexual experiences through talk radio, blog, and other writings (and always recruiting for great activity), I would say, it changes interactions and viewpoints, if you allow it to change them. Yes, many of the people around you will initially attempt to change their approach/interaction or view you in a certain light, etc. However, if you are not consciously or subconsciously changing, those around you will slowly adapt to the way you respond, or the way the energy flows around them. AND they will seek to see the you beyond the sex.

Case in point: I'm a naked person, and I always have been. Regularly, I used to have guests (usually people coming over with my sister or my best friend) come to my home, and not only would I not get dressed, but I would conduct myself in the same way I would had I been fully dressed.

Initially, of course, people were taken aback by that behavior. I would sit butt-naked in front of them, many complete strangers, having a very normal conversation. (They would be forewarned before they entered by whomever they were arriving with.) I would not mention anything about my nakedness. I would candidly answer any questions about my ability to be naked in front of them, or about my tattoos or body piercings, and then dive right back into general conversation.

They would usually ease up and embrace the fact that my nakedness was of no consequence to their visit or our conversation. I then became just a woman with very interesting stories and an array of knowledge to share, whom they actually enjoyed.

I don't know if that fit in at all, so excuse me if I completely missed the mark. *hugs*
 
Group hugs forever. How's that? :p:D

I'm feeling cautiously optimistic today.

Lots of talking, lots of openness and, somehow or another, I feel really good because, for some unknown reason, Redpepper feels better.

I am so confused, but happy to seemingly get this elephant out of the room....I really have no clue what just happened but I feel lighter :)

And no..it was not sex..I can't have sex when I am not connected...but now I am feeling REALLY connected!!
yessss, welllll, connection indeed :eek:;)

I am feeling better. We had a turn in the crossroads yesterday, as a result of days of sombre, quiet, sullen sadness on my part. We put emotion aside. We pretty much said "fuck it" and talked as openly as we could. I learned some stuff that I hadn't considered (for Mono to tell not me) and strategized about things he has compromised on that I couldn't do before now. He strategized about my compromises too.

We have come to the agreement that if he ever feels differently about Leo, then he will let me know. Until then, I will not touch him, other than in a friendly way, and not allow him to touch me.

WOW. So simple, yet so big! I had thought that that was it. No no no. Absolutely, under no circumstances, would I ever have a hope in hell of actively showing love and affection to another man I care about. He, it seems, thought that he had to suck it up and deal with it in order to allow me to be who I am. I am willing to wait until the cows come home on this, as long as he is willing to shift his opinion, if he finds himself feeling about Leo as he does about PN and Derby.

There is no promise here, just some hope for me. I just needed hope. I don't intend to pressure Mono. Leo is not worth pushing the issue on. We will be just fine being friends, if it is to be that way. It is more the idea of what he could be that is the issue.

I went from being a tightly-tethered horse to a horse in a pasture again, in one conversation, while grocery shopping.

Ahhhhhh, I can fucking breathe!!!! :D:D:D

I'm so fucked up.

(I am wondering now how many poly people are saying to themselves, "I too just need hope that I can expand on my love in the world," and how many mono people are saying, "Seriously? That is all you needed, hope that you can show affection to some guy?" :p
 
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(I am wondering now how many poly people are saying to themselves, "I too just need hope that I can expand on my love in the world," and how many mono people are saying "Seriously? That is all you needed, hope that you can show affection to some guy?" :p

I think this one little statement changes things back from a rule to a boundary (and I know that boundaries are a place where you are comfortable). It doesn't change anything in the moment, but it does leave the conversation open, to be revisited at a later time.
 
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Yes, I feel that way often. All people need hope. When something is laid out in black and white, it terminates hope. When something is "for now" and leaves the possibility that other colors may come, hope is regained.

Great job! You both worked hard through that and found it.
 
Leo is not worth pushing the issue on
That's interesting, RP. What if he were someone you felt merited a pushback? Would you still be satisfied with Mono's terms? I'm not trying to throw a wrench in the works, just curious. Since Leo isn't "worth" fighting for, does that make it easier to acquiesce?

I am glad you feel in a comfortable place with everything now.
 
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Wondering if you would still be satisfied with Mono's terms.

We also looked at comprises that would enable Redpepper and Leo to express themselves the way they have been recently. Redpepper has chosen her path in this based on what she wants. I was, and still am, open to looking at ways for them to continue. Our relationship is based on both our terms.

One day, maybe she will need to push beyond our limits. At that time, we will see if we can find balance in our compromises. There is always a state of give and take. Who knows what that will look like? But we will do as we always do, and communicate our way through the difficult times, just as we have done here :)
 
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