No Idea What I Should Do.

No Idea what to do about my "possible poly" situation. I met a woman on a poly dating site. We emailed for a while, and then started text messaging and talking on the phone with eachother. She is married. Her and her husband have been in poly relationships before. The husband won't give an inch. He seems to want nothing to do with this. The woman(wife) and I want so badly to be together, but if the husband won't even try to get to know me, how can it ever work?

any advice? all welcome.
 
If she and her husband have been in polyamorous relationships before, what is her husband's issue with you? Why has he been okay with the previous relationships but not with this connection?

(By the way, what gender are you? I don't mean to be rude, it would just make it easier to give advice and maybe to understand her husband's reasoning.)

As for what to do... If her husband has veto power, i.e. he can tell her not to see you and therefore she can't, there isn't anything you can do but walk away. If he doesn't have that power, then it shouldn't matter what he thinks; it's her choice, not his.

If the only issue is that her husband won't get to know you... why does he have to? Plenty of people in poly relationships never meet their metamours (partners' other partners). Again, unless she and he have an agreement that they can tell each other who they are and aren't allowed to date, his opinion isn't entirely relevant, it's up to her.
 
No Idea what to do about my "possible poly" situation. I met a woman on a poly dating site. We emailed for a while, and then started text messaging and talking on the phone with eachother. She is married. Her and her husband have been in poly relationships before. The husband won't give an inch. He seems to want nothing to do with this. The woman(wife) and I want so badly to be together, but if the husband won't even try to get to know me, how can it ever work?

any advice? all welcome.

Do you mean that the husband won't have anything to do with you in the context of "won't agree to be in a relationship with his wife when she's dating someone else" or in the context of "wife is free to date others but he doesn't want to meet them/know them, etc"? If it's the latter, then I don't see a problem. Lots of poly people don't have anything to do with their partner's other partners (metamours.) They simply keep their relationships separate. It's not my preferred method, but it works for many.

OTOH, if it's the first... the husband doesn't want his wife to date others, then I'd pass on this relationship. It will just be lots of drama and pain, and in the end, she may end up dropping you to keep her marriage intact. NOT worth it!
 
If she and her husband have been in polyamorous relationships before, what is her husband's issue with you? Why has he been okay with the previous relationships but not with this connection?

(By the way, what gender are you? I don't mean to be rude, it would just make it easier to give advice and maybe to understand her husband's reasoning.)

As for what to do... If her husband has veto power, i.e. he can tell her not to see you and therefore she can't, there isn't anything you can do but walk away. If he doesn't have that power, then it shouldn't matter what he thinks; it's her choice, not his.

If the only issue is that her husband won't get to know you... why does he have to? Plenty of people in poly relationships never meet their metamours (partners' other partners). Again, unless she and he have an agreement that they can tell each other who they are and aren't allowed to date, his opinion isn't entirely relevant, it's up to her.


Our Intentions. (All 3 of us) was to make this a Triad. Me dating them both.

(I am female)

He refuses to open communication with me. He refuses to open up to the situation with his wife.
Him and I have alot in common, and So do the wife and I.

I don't know if the husband necessarily has "veto power," but She won't see me unless she clears it with her husband, and her husband never says no, but never says yes, from what I understand.
She just won't make a decision for herself, because she's worried that her husband would get upset about it, and make her feel guilty.
 
Unfortunately, it sounds to me like you aren't going to have much luck, in that case. If you were expecting a triad but one of the other two people won't even meet you, obviously a triad isn't possible. And even if you were willing to have a relationship with just the wife, it sounds like she won't consider that unless her husband says yes.

In other words, they as the couple are making decisions as a couple about who the couple dates, and if they don't agree, the third person is out of luck.

Has the husband given a reason for not communicating with you or being willing to discuss things further?
 
Unfortunately, it sounds to me like you aren't going to have much luck, in that case. If you were expecting a triad but one of the other two people won't even meet you, obviously a triad isn't possible. And even if you were willing to have a relationship with just the wife, it sounds like she won't consider that unless her husband says yes.

In other words, they as the couple are making decisions as a couple about who the couple dates, and if they don't agree, the third person is out of luck.

Has the husband given a reason for not communicating with you or being willing to discuss things further?

He won't communicate with me or his wife about why he's reluctant to take things anywhere. I have met him twice. As a couple, they even let me meet their kids, which I think is a big deal. I just wish I could get her to not feel bad if she meets me out somewhere. From my point of view, we're all adults, we should be making adult decisions.
 
I would agree with that. If he's met you and they've even introduced you to their kids, I'm not sure what's going on in his head. Maybe he just isn't into you as a potential partner and thinks that it has to be a triad, that you and his wife dating while he stays out of it isn't an option?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Our Intentions. (All 3 of us) was to make this a Triad. Me dating them both.

Could you clarify this a bit more? I am confused. So I am going to guess. I might guess wrong. You correct me ok?

  • Are you saying the three of you agreed to date in triad and now he doesn't want to? And won't explain why he doesn't now want to? He simply withdrew consent?
  • Or are you saying that (you and wife) intended for it to be a triad. But when you checked in with him -- he's not seeming up for it. And rather than say "no" plain and up front, he's going vague hoping y'all just take the hint?
  • Or is it that she presented herself as "willing and able to poly" when she started texting you online when she actually was NOT? And now they have a couple fight going on behind the scenes about her "jumping the gun" when she did not obtain his consent to open the marriage again? And he doesn't want to air out that with you, the new stranger person? That's why he's reticent when you are around?
  • Is it something else?

He refuses to open communication with me. He refuses to open up to the situation with his wife. Him and I have alot in common, and So do the wife and I.

Are you saying you and wife want it to be a V now? And he's not up for that?

She won't see me unless she clears it with her husband.

Ok. She's informed you of her choice.

She just won't make a decision for herself, because she's worried that her husband would get upset about it, and make her feel guilty.

She did make a decision. She decided not to meet you behind his back. She wants to square X up with her husband first. You just don't seem to like her decision.

I just wish I could get her to not feel bad if she meets me out somewhere.

If you mean that you want her to ignore her current agreements with her spouse and sneak off with you? That's not kind. You wouldn't like it the other way around -- if he was egging her on to break agreements with you to go meet him somewhere.

She sounds like she wants some time to sort things with him so it can all be on the level.

From my point of view, we're all adults, we should be making adult decisions.

At this time, this couple is not sounding like a runner for a triad. You could make the adult decision for yourself to let this one go if a triad is what you seek.

If what you seek is to date her and are up for a V, you could wait and let her sort whatever she needs to sort so she is both willing and able to date you on the up and up.

You could ask her how long she thinks that might take and if you are willing to wait, you could decide to wait. If not willing to wait, you could decide to move on.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Voluntaryism4Life,

Can I ask, whose idea was it originally to shoot for a triad? You? The wife? The husband? Two of you? All three of you?

What has the wife asked the husband about so far? Has she asked him if he's willing to have a triad? Has she asked him if he's willing to have a V? Has she asked him to spark up a friendship with you? Has she asked him to spark up a romance with you?

I guess I am seeking more details in general, and hoping it will give me a better idea of what advice to give you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You met this woman on a poly dating site but she isn't allowed to date, or isn't allowed to date you specifically? I don't think this will go well either way. She can be pleasant as punch, but if her husband doesn't support her dating it isn't likely end in success.
 
Even if he comes around, it doesn't sound like he/they have the best relationship. I think it may be best to step away. You really like her, so tell her that you would love to reconnect at another time when things are less complicated for her/them. But it doesn't sound like a good situation to be getting into, especially if you're concerned about her autonomy and their power dynamic.
 
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