BF won't let me go!

[Topazia]

Hello all,

I will try make this short.

At christmas I had a house, a fiance and thought my life was on track. Then January he just upped and left me and everything crumbled. Im 23.

I started talking to an old crush and he told me he had a gf, after flirting and joking he said she didn't mind if we did anything. I was lonely, self esteem shattered so we became "friends with benefits".

I started learning i was into the BDSM scene after long battling with things i thought made me "weird" and learnt his gf was his Sub and they have a D/s relationship.

Due to financial hardships he said he would move in with me but when we did we would stop sleeping together.

5 months on...we are in a relationship and i have fallen in love after trying hard not to. He is so into me, when i have tried to end it he has started shaking and crying but i cannot stay in a poly relationship. His gf doesn't like me and i feel much competition goes on...i put this partly to her younger age. I cannot act how i would in a relationship and this is his first D/s AND poly he has had..i feel he will implode.

I keep telling him but he won't break up with me and i can't because when it is just me and him it is like she doesn't exist.

I have always been cheated on and am starting to feel not good enough.

I feel so trapped...he is such a good influence on me...i have lost weight, eating healthier, started hobbies again and learning to be myself in the bedroom..i want him but not poly...i feel so helpless and i know i shouldn't feel so sad and guilty everyday.

He said with him moving in next week if we ended it i'd be an ex to him and he would feel weird...i keep hoping i will win him over to me but i know this is a terrible way of thinking.

Im told poly is beneficial..i feel im getting half a relationship and he is getting everything and more.

Please help me.

[AutumnalTone]

If you don't want to be involved with him, stop. Seriously, stop seeing him and certainly don't let him move in.

Trying to force him to choose between his other partner and you when you knew in advance that he's poly is dysfunctionally selfish, so stop.

The only thing you can control is your involvement and your behavior. If you have issues with polyamory, then don't get involved with a polyamorous partner. Trying to manipulate a poly partner into a monogamous relationship is rude and horribly dysfunctional.

[Topazia]

I didn't say i am making him chose, i know fully well and as i said i havnt told him to....its what i keep saying to him that i would never let him chose but when i try end it he keeps calling and wont let be me, hes fighting so hard for me it makes me start wondering if i should try.

I feel guilty letting myself fall in love with him...i think id be ok if i felt his gf was good for him but she is bratty and clingy and whenever i seem to do soemthing she tries to do one better.

financially i need him to move in, without going into it i have a medical condition and need some help so as my friend before he helped me.

please dont think i am being harsh to him..all im doing is compromising..i dont ring or text him because she does it 24/7 so i dont want to hound the boy. I make sure he has time alone whereas she doesnt...see my issues? x

[MonoVCPHG]

Is there no one else in the world that can move in with you? You are going down a dangerous and unhealthy path I am afraid. You're making excuses about why only he can help you. I hate to do this but you need to look at reality. Imagine you and him have just moved in together. You just woke up all snuggly and are enjoying coffee in bed chatting about your day's activities. You want to go for a walk with him but he tells you he is getting together with his girlfriend in the afternoon and spending the night with her. Now picture them having sex, him moaning into her ear the same way he moans into yours, sweaty and passionate. You've said you can't do poly...that means you are going to make yourself and your poly partner very unhealhty.

Get out while you can.

[Topazia]

Sigh, i know...and why i tried to start going back to friends just nobody has ever fought for me and he is fighting so hard.

I do actually quite like the idea of him having someone but this girl just seems too demanding and not good for him...

he has said she wont sleep over here and he has started syaing how he has started thinking of a future with me and asking places we could live after my degree.

this other gf shes sleeps around with people but he doesnt want anyone but me and her and he asked me not to be with anyone else. he said for fairness i could but he'd prefer me not to...he is so right for me in everything just not her which is why im finding it hard to walk away.

the housing thing, im in a city where i know no1 and a random starnger couldnt look after me and i wouldnt feel comfortable having someone try help me with my medical needs.

just wondered if i can try bring my mind round...i keep wondering if she was as compromising as me if id be fine because i like that he isnt round mine every day etc and i like my own time x

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Topazia

i keep wondering if she was as compromising as me if id be fine because i like that he isnt round mine every day etc and i like my own time x

This is something to focus on in a positive sense. One of the benefits of poly can be a greater level of independence. The thing is, you should be independent in other areas of your life first so you don't destroy who you are to be with him.

His girlfriend sleeping around is serious business. Your sexual health could be at risk if she is unsafe. That is a big concern. What if he broke up with her and found a new love? If he is poly that will likley happen. Do you think this is more about her as an individual then the dynamic of poly?

[Anneintherain]

Originally Posted by Topazia

this other gf shes sleeps around with people but he doesnt want anyone but me and her and he asked me not to be with anyone else. he said for fairness i could but he'd prefer me not to...he is so right for me in everything just not her which is why im finding it hard to walk away.

Just to remind you - he does not want anybody but you and her - NOW. If he is poly oriented, whether they break up or not, at some point, he will probably want somebody else. He is consumed with the new relationship with you, and busy with two relationships, so isn't thinking about anybody else today. I just don't want you to fool yourself into thinking that if they break up, that means it would be just you and him forever.

(edit: I knew I should've read through to the end, of course RP already said it