The search for "my people"

Not sure where this musing is going other than to ask if it feels this way to others.

You know that search for "my people"? That place where there are more things in common and a reasonable amount of acceptance? My list of people types have both grown and narrowed. Once I find poly, then subset bisexual, then subset sex positive and the list narrows with each preference. I find a little part of me in each of the four distinct communities I visit and yet I am a little different than the core group. Something other groups share or tolerate but does not reflect me. I don't need a reflection unless I try to date. Then I need acceptance of all of them. Poly is the most comfortable and yet the more knowledge I have, the more experience and the older I get the less satisfied I am. I get a little taste of what I want then I feel empty as it is not sharable or sustainable. I know many here are part of several other communities and wondered if the bits and pieces are enough or you need more of it to be in one place. Sometimes I just want to be simple in my needs.
 
The people one gets on with are always going to be a small subset of the population and people one can fall in love with a subset of that. I recently read the advice that because of that one just has to increase the number of people you get to know. Do you already have interest/hobby groups you do things with? A cause you could volunteer to work on? That would be throwing out more loops of connection.

Leetah
 
I do feel this. I feel a strong need for community. But I'm not a good fit for many communities, and then there are some (most?) where even if I feel like I'm right at home, eventually some big disconnect occurs and I no longer feel we're actually compatible at all.

I was talking to an LGBT group online many years back. They were sex positive, they were generally smart and interesting, I was getting along. (I tend to identify as the B in that alphabet soup.) But eventually someone started talking about politics, and the issue I have was that I didn't trust liberal politicians to walk their talk. Not that I'm a Republican. It's just that I have trust issues with pols in general. Well, for not standing in solid support with the Dems (again this was YEARS ago) I was shunned and hated in short order, accused of all kinds of things, and left the group.

Later I found the furries. The art was of particular interest to me, and as a kid I used to love the musical, "Cats" so sure the whole thing got my attention on multiple levels. Then I had a rather intense spate of interaction online with a man who eventually revealed to me that he was into writing that crossed so many sexual ethics boundaries I can't even begin to describe it...and later met a group where the leader pretty much admitted to being a pedophile and using his fox suit to get parents comfortable with letting their kids play with him. And by the way when was I going to bring mine up to the house?

Nope. I'm out. Don't care how good the art was. I gave the fandom all the chances I was prepared to, and I was DONE.

Onward. GWAR community. That was a big one. I still have about 300 or so friends and acquaintances there. I am still on good terms with several of the band members. I have a lot of memorabilia and I have a lot of memories. But since the singer died in 2014, it felt like a vortex of chaos opened up and nothing has been right since. My marriage started falling apart right then, I have a friend in the community whose family has become homeless, and unlike before when everything was good, I can't afford to help. Another friend got busted for trafficking meth. Another couple in the family has become so triggery and dramatic that they are perpetually offended by everything, and one of them hijacks our dead friend's name to push every social agenda she gets in her head with "Well, Dave used to believe this" or "Dave would have said that." Then I discovered the kink community and surprise surprise, my freak friends who are into GWAR are actually incredibly narrowminded and judgmental about polyamory and alternate sex lifestyles and I got a ton of discomfort trying to talk about my new passions with my old friends.

Next!

Now I'm involved in the local BDSM community. About 150-200 new friend-quaintances there in about a year and a half. Some I really adore, and mostly I feel very welcome. But it won't last forever, I already know. There are divisions among the people in different parts of the scene, sooner or later someone will expect me to pick a side. I'm fending off the interest of an influential person who wants to get involved with me and I don't want to get involved with her. I have the awkwardness of my former poly quad who are very involved with things at my "home" dungeon. I feel like I'm trying to hold something together with tiny little hairline fractures forming in it.

Sooner or later I won't be a good fit anymore. People won't like me, and I won't feel comfortable. But that's my life I think. Nothing lasting forever. Things always changing.
 
I think of many of my friends who often voice that they are seeking their 'tribe.' I understand what they are attempting to convey - that they want a group of people that they understand and who understand them, that shares values in some way, that has a shared passion or focus, etc.

However, when I hear someone say this, I always flash back to my days of reading anthropology. Some actual tribes will slaughter anyone not in the tribe. In fact there are systems of violence that help emphasize 'in' and 'out' of tribes. (No, I don't think Western or 'modern' cultures are immune to this. It's just clearer when you have a few hundred people playing out this dynamic vs. millions.) I don't think this part is what my friends want! But I do think that 'tribalism' is a real thing which encourages us and 'other' thinking.

But to get to my point. I believe that like default monogamy has the myth of one person being the 'Everything', lots of people buy into the myth that there is a community, a group, where we will be accepted and understood without conflict, without all the interpersonal 'games' that humans play, that we will fit in and feel at home.

This does not exist. For anyone. Now does community exist? Yes certainly, it does. Communities are made of people and people are social creatures who will inevitably have conflict, misunderstandings, power issues, lack of communication, and so on. There will always be someway one does not fit in quite well. We will always be a little bit of a square peg in a round hole somewhere because we are both individuals, while being relentlessly social. Those two things are inherently not in opposition but often pulling in opposite directions.

Now is all hope lost? Nope. Communities are imperfect reflections of imperfect people. Accept that people will always play stupid human games and that fitting in perfectly into a group is not possible. Once acceptance of the frailties of community is conscious, suddenly those fragile, annoying groups become precious and special again. Seeing them as they are, and not as we want them to be allows us to be as we are, with our imperfections and lack of fitting in. (And, yes, I have to work at this - it's hard and sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and walk away from my communities.) This does not mean that we have to accept unacceptable behavior, that we don't need to work on our miscues, our fuck-ups in communities. But giving up the myth of a community that perfectly accepts and loves us opens up so much possibility and joy.

Ok, so that's the 10,000 foot view from my perspective. Here's some more nitty-gritty.

When you seek partners, it is not necessary that they personally accept or interact with all of your communities. However, it is critical that they accept those communities, those interest and connections in you. That's different than accepting those communities for themselves. Partners should not be regular mirrors reflecting you back perfectly. (In fact, be suspicious of someone who seems to mirror you too well. Some abusers will use this tactic to get close to people.) Partners should be more like fun house mirrors, reflecting you back in novel, unexpected ways. Don't seek perfect reflection, find those people who show you something different in yourself.

I'm involved in an assortment of various communities. (Polyamory.com is one of them! And the only one that is solely online). I'm involved in my local poly group, in my local kink scene, and with Glow's friends (who are also my friends before we met). And there are other communities - pagan, my blood family and so on. They are far from perfect and undoubtedly I will move away from some or all of them in time. Or they will move away from me. I've had that happen too. But even if a community dissolves or becomes too uncomfortable a fit, I find that I treasure those memories, use the lessons I learned there, tell the funny stories to others, and generally acknowledge that they are part of my personal history, and I am part of theirs.
 
Yes. I have been active in a number of interest groups and have a biggish family. My circle of friends are people I met over the years who I get along with consistently. My inner circle is the subset of those with whom I can spend multiple days with and still be having a good time. Both those groups have had people come and go over the years as lives and activities changed or character clashes made things uncomfortable. Then I have close friends who number less than 5 I think. So if I were to put it in tribal terms, I have a family, a clan, a tribe and perhaps a nation (the latter made up of the various interest groups). A good community to me is somewhere pleasant to spend time and has people I share enough with to spend time with. I myself would not discuss all aspects of my life with any but people in my inner circle or maybe only my close friends. I generally don't trust people I have not known for years. Gaming talk with gamers, fan talk with fandom, history talk with history mavens, kid talk with other parents, etc. over time I sound out which individuals I can broaden the areas of discussion with. If the larger group or community has some kerfuffle I tend to sit it out and go on with what I enjoy doing in that community.

But that is just me.
Leetah
 
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Partners should be more like fun house mirrors, reflecting you back in novel, unexpected ways. Don't seek perfect reflection, find those people who show you something different in yourself.

This is great! Sure, a few shared values are important for smooth sailing, but to make great partners in my experience, there needs to be mutual appreciation, not necessarily mutual interests.
 
I met one guy last year, who was so much like me...he really was like a mirror. The slightly cynical edge to him, the way he talked and the things he said... We didn't have all of the same interests, but our general life philosophies and way of seeing everything, and the way we explain our theories, and just...how we process the world in our minds. It was like meeting someone who lived in my head. And frankly it was...weird.

There is a certain energy to people, when it's too similar to my own, I don't feel a powerful connection. I tend to think of it in slightly more woo woo astrology terms than most people, mostly because I like the imagery and symbology... that I am an earth person and love water people...but the point is that the most compatible individuals I've found usually aren't TOO similar to me. When it comes to partners anyhow.
 
I know many here are part of several other communities and wondered if the bits and pieces are enough or you need more of it to be in one place. Sometimes I just want to be simple in my needs.

I like the circles diagram.

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/c1/0e/35/c10e354fbcaf24e601077e0f173e0fc0.jpg

I just would add one more inner circle for partners. My spouse is part of my family unit, but he has access to me in ways the children do not. So would any other poly partners.

So maybe a dark blue and a blue there.

I do not feel like its bits and pieces. I feel like it is one whole picture. Just that in some rings I share certain things about myself, and in others I do not. The people and blue (immediate family) and sometimes the people in green (close friends) have seen me in pajamas and all disheveled.

The people out in the yellow, orange, or red have not and most likely will not. When have I ever worked or volunteered in pjs? But I have had friends sleep over.

My list of people types have both grown and narrowed.

That sounds like you have a lot more people in your yellow, orange, red circles than you used to. But fewer green, blue, and purples and you miss that.

Maybe you could take the time to cultivate those more?

Galagirl
 
I feel very much like I don't fit anywhere. I was bullied growing up... I've been bullied as an adult by other adults. (Because some "adults" never got over high school mean girl mindsets...) So I've become kinda conditioned to believe that even if I have a lot in common with people, they probably aren't going to like me, with the result that I feel like I don't fit, so I act like I don't fit, so I end up not fitting.

I'm working on it.

Meanwhile, I am finding more like-minded people with whom I share at least some interests and/or philosophies, but meeting people at all is really difficult for me because on top of the above issues, I don't really go to many events or places, and I don't belong to any groups or do any activities that are easily shared with others.
 
But to get to my point. I believe that like default monogamy has the myth of one person being the 'Everything', lots of people buy into the myth that there is a community, a group, where we will be accepted and understood without conflict, without all the interpersonal 'games' that humans play, that we will fit in and feel at home.

My partner and I were watching some nature documentaries the other day, and there was one on primates, and the narrator said something like, "But as with all primates, of course there are politics..." and went on to describe the hierarchy based on who's who, and haves and have-nots, etc.

And I was just like, "MAN, these games go so far back in human history that it's not even HUMAN history anymore—it's some common-ancestor shit." And I was depressed about it for a while. But then I looked at all the recent justice movements and the progress being made within our species without even evolving into something else, and I began to brighten and even to wonder:

Is that what comes next? Is that what we'll evolve into? Is the thing that will finally separate homo sapiens from what comes after that our descendant species will be enlightened beyond all that? (And then I got sucked into a rabbit hole reading about what makes a species a species, and hominid species in particular, but that's a tangent.)

But for the now, it does seem like we're stuck with it: the in-groups and out-groups, the posturing, the jockeying for position, the hoarding instead of sharing, the obsession with insult and esteem, the splintering into factions any time a group gets big enough. It's just part of being human—any gatherings of humans. All we can really hope for is to find a few true friends among the communities we are members of.

I was bullied growing up... I've been bullied as an adult by other adults. (Because some "adults" never got over high school mean girl mindsets...)

Me too. It SUCKS. Mine is usually because I'm bad at playing "the game." I just wanna live and let live. And then I have a hard time standing up for myself in the moment when I am made a target. I just get flustered and, at best, remove myself, rather than fight back. Sigh.
 
Hi Orlandobif,

I don't feel a strong draw towards finding my people, I am satisfied with the two other people in my V (and the two cats). I don't think anyone is completely a match for anyone else because we're all different and unique. Even identical twins are not identical in every respect.

Polyamory.com is the closest thing to a community that I have, and it keeps me pretty busy. I don't get along with everyone on the forum, certainly not all the time, nor do I see eye to eye with everyone on the forum. But that's okay, I don't expect everyone to be my friend. One of the reasons I'm here is to acquaint myself with the (differing) viewpoints of other polyamorists. (And of the monogamists that love them.)

I'm not what you would call an outgoing person, I spend a lot of time by myself (unless you count my forum activity). I try to be as polite as possible and not at all like the bad-tempered guy I used to be.

Hopefully that answers some of your question.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
As Kevin so aptly said,
I don't get along with everyone on the forum, certainly not all the time, nor do I see eye to eye with everyone on the forum. But that's okay, I don't expect everyone to be my friend.
Just because I disagree with folks here doesn't mean I don't admire 'em, often deeply. It's a cryptofamilial thng.

It's difficult to feel truly unique... but not at all bad.

(A Buddhist thing. :) PM me FFI.)
 
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I feel very much like I don't fit anywhere. I was bullied growing up... I've been bullied as an adult by other adults. (Because some "adults" never got over high school mean girl mindsets...) So I've become kinda conditioned to believe that even if I have a lot in common with people, they probably aren't going to like me, with the result that I feel like I don't fit, so I act like I don't fit, so I end up not fitting.

I'm working on it.

Meanwhile, I am finding more like-minded people with whom I share at least some interests and/or philosophies, but meeting people at all is really difficult for me because on top of the above issues, I don't really go to many events or places, and I don't belong to any groups or do any activities that are easily shared with others.

I've had very similar experiences to what you describe. I go into situations expecting to not fit in and also form interactions and build relationships with a fear that I will be abandoned and not accepted.

Its gotten better in the past few years, I adopted more of a take it or leave it attitude to interactions. I also am becoming better at embracing what makes me different, who I am and being comfortable in my skin. I dont like to carry the past as a burden, I like to see how it might give me something of value. Being a victim of bullying makes me more sensitive and attuned towards others who might be facing exclusion and struggling with not feeling accepted. I often find myself being the person that makes "outsiders" feel more comfortable and valued.
 
I think of many of my friends who often voice that they are seeking their 'tribe.' I understand what they are attempting to convey - that they want a group of people that they understand and who understand them, that shares values in some way, that has a shared passion or focus, etc.

However, when I hear someone say this, I always flash back to my days of reading anthropology. Some actual tribes will slaughter anyone not in the tribe. In fact there are systems of violence that help emphasize 'in' and 'out' of tribes. (No, I don't think Western or 'modern' cultures are immune to this. It's just clearer when you have a few hundred people playing out this dynamic vs. millions.) I don't think this part is what my friends want! But I do think that 'tribalism' is a real thing which encourages us and 'other' thinking.

But to get to my point. I believe that like default monogamy has the myth of one person being the 'Everything', lots of people buy into the myth that there is a community, a group, where we will be accepted and understood without conflict, without all the interpersonal 'games' that humans play, that we will fit in and feel at home.

This does not exist. For anyone. Now does community exist? Yes certainly, it does. Communities are made of people and people are social creatures who will inevitably have conflict, misunderstandings, power issues, lack of communication, and so on. There will always be someway one does not fit in quite well. We will always be a little bit of a square peg in a round hole somewhere because we are both individuals, while being relentlessly social. Those two things are inherently not in opposition but often pulling in opposite directions.

Now is all hope lost? Nope. Communities are imperfect reflections of imperfect people. Accept that people will always play stupid human games and that fitting in perfectly into a group is not possible. Once acceptance of the frailties of community is conscious, suddenly those fragile, annoying groups become precious and special again. Seeing them as they are, and not as we want them to be allows us to be as we are, with our imperfections and lack of fitting in. (And, yes, I have to work at this - it's hard and sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and walk away from my communities.) This does not mean that we have to accept unacceptable behavior, that we don't need to work on our miscues, our fuck-ups in communities. But giving up the myth of a community that perfectly accepts and loves us opens up so much possibility and joy.

Ok, so that's the 10,000 foot view from my perspective. Here's some more nitty-gritty.

When you seek partners, it is not necessary that they personally accept or interact with all of your communities. However, it is critical that they accept those communities, those interest and connections in you. That's different than accepting those communities for themselves. Partners should not be regular mirrors reflecting you back perfectly. (In fact, be suspicious of someone who seems to mirror you too well. Some abusers will use this tactic to get close to people.) Partners should be more like fun house mirrors, reflecting you back in novel, unexpected ways. Don't seek perfect reflection, find those people who show you something different in yourself.

I'm involved in an assortment of various communities. (Polyamory.com is one of them! And the only one that is solely online). I'm involved in my local poly group, in my local kink scene, and with Glow's friends (who are also my friends before we met). And there are other communities - pagan, my blood family and so on. They are far from perfect and undoubtedly I will move away from some or all of them in time. Or they will move away from me. I've had that happen too. But even if a community dissolves or becomes too uncomfortable a fit, I find that I treasure those memories, use the lessons I learned there, tell the funny stories to others, and generally acknowledge that they are part of my personal history, and I am part of theirs.


...woah, what a great post! :):):)

So true - even those groups that seem perfectly in sync with each other to the outside eye, how long does that last? all good things come to an end and all that.
 
I just wanted to acknowledge this post as well written. I thought about it for many days after you wrote it as it resonates with me.


My partner and I were watching some nature documentaries the other day, and there was one on primates, and the narrator said something like, "But as with all primates, of course there are politics..." and went on to describe the hierarchy based on who's who, and haves and have-nots, etc.

And I was just like, "MAN, these games go so far back in human history that it's not even HUMAN history anymore—it's some common-ancestor shit." And I was depressed about it for a while. But then I looked at all the recent justice movements and the progress being made within our species without even evolving into something else, and I began to brighten and even to wonder:

Is that what comes next? Is that what we'll evolve into? Is the thing that will finally separate homo sapiens from what comes after that our descendant species will be enlightened beyond all that? (And then I got sucked into a rabbit hole reading about what makes a species a species, and hominid species in particular, but that's a tangent.)

But for the now, it does seem like we're stuck with it: the in-groups and out-groups, the posturing, the jockeying for position, the hoarding instead of sharing, the obsession with insult and esteem, the splintering into factions any time a group gets big enough. It's just part of being human—any gatherings of humans. All we can really hope for is to find a few true friends among the communities we are members of.



Me too. It SUCKS. Mine is usually because I'm bad at playing "the game." I just wanna live and let live. And then I have a hard time standing up for myself in the moment when I am made a target. I just get flustered and, at best, remove myself, rather than fight back. Sigh.
 
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