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Old 08-01-2013, 01:55 AM
willowstar willowstar is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 122
Default Mono? Insecure? Something Else?

I could use some advice and perspective right now. Thank you in advance for reading.

My husband and I are still doing our best to navigate the poly world. He is very insecure. Very. To the point that I sometimes come home to a puddle. He cannot really pinpoint what his specific triggers are. I think he is mono. He is not sure, he considers it possible, but I think he just cant fathom that I get to "have someone else" and he doesnt...

He is convinced that getting a GF for himself will solve his insecurity issue, because then he has someone else also, someone to give him some time and attention. I have tried to (gently) explain to him that this is not a good solution and he needs to figure out what is really going on for him.

Add to all this, I have stepped back from our physical relationship for my own reasons, which include a history of being sexual to keep the peace or to make other people happy. (not just in this relationship, but for most of my life over many relationships). This is an issue for him, because our physical connection is one of the only things that has been soothing to his fears, and helps him to feel like we are still connected. For the reasons stated above, I realize this behavior is triggering for me, because I would come home from being on a date with BF and feel "obligated" to be sexual with husband so he didnt feel "left out". Now that sex has been taken off the table, we have been unable to find other ways for him to feel like we are still connected and in a good place. He constantly feels rejected and as though "He doesnt belong in my life"...

I, on the other hand, feel as though some pressure has been removed. I am feeling like things are more "normal" for us. We went from having sex a few times per month to a few times per week, lickety split. It is more than my libido can handle right now.

Needless to day, I am painfully aware that this is an unhealthy relationship dynamic. I have utilized all of my current poly resources to no avail, and we are still in the same place we were 7 months ago when I fell in love with BF.

We have an appointment with a counselor next week to begin therapy, which we probably should have done months ago. We will do what we can to try and save our marriage. I am hoping she will have some new tricks for us.

Support and ideas welcome. Thank You

Willow, who is feeling very much like an unsuccessful poly person these days...
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 47yo bi poly woman, married to Bear for 20 years
Bear-59 yo maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
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