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DOUBLExTROUBLE

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We are a open minded couple looking to meet another open minded female who has the same interests as us. We are looking for someone who is open minded and honest upfront, compassionate, respectful, understanding and just a all around good person that we can learn to trust. We are looking to meet someone and just take it one step at a time and see where it goes. We are up for a good time in many different ways. In return when we find that special someone we are willing to share everything we have with them as long as we are not being used. We want someone who is willing to except us for who we are and what we want. We want someone that will share the same compassion and love towards both of us with no secrets or putting on a front. We are as real as it gets and we expect that in return.
 
Hello & welcome.

That sounds an awful lot like what we're looking for as well, throw in a drama free relationship & it's all good :D.
 
I agree no drama at all. And you have to have trust with in everyone and everyone has to be open and honest or else it will never work. :p
 
I agree no drama at all. And you have to have trust with in everyone and everyone has to be open and honest or else it will never work. :p

Very true. Communication and trust, two of the cornerstones of a successful relationship!

There's bound to be some drama simply because we are humans. We can, however learn to minimize it and control it when it enters our lives.
 
drama/

drama can be exciting... negative, neurotic drama is a turn off tho...

we are a couple new to LA, looking for a fun girlfriend... up to and including full time/live in...

love the intellectual challenge and openness and thrill of poly! love that my new wife wants us to have and share a girlfriend, god, what a fantastic woman I have...

:)
 
Were we stand at this point.....

We to also just got involved with this. We have been together 5 years! I have two other children almost 7 and 9 years old and then together him and I have two ! almost three and 7 months. I have/had a best friend and we were both very attracted to her and drinking with her a few times a few things happened with her and I. My other half grew to get to know her and developed feelings for her as well. I have known her a little over a year.

Anyways her and I worked together we would go tanning together almost every morning. I paid for her of coarse and at the time I never minded at all. Aside from that we would go get something to eat after wards I would pay. Mind you she doesnt have a job.She had recently lost her job. Anyways a side from all that she helped us in other ways she would help with the kids and the house and so on. Anyways so I would go shopping and she would tag along with me it was nice. But we would get her all kinds of things she wanted clothes, shirts,skirts, bras,underwear, free gas, and cigs, and so on. We spent alot of money on her and never expected anything in return except for honesty.

You know when your around someone for almost 3 straight months you know how they act there is almost a routine developed and that was for sure the case. She was calling me to see if I was free every day at the same time when I would get off work. After awhile it became an every day thing. We would drink every Saturday night. We were learning new things about her everyday as well things other people she knows she would not tell them. We both were falling in love with her it would get to a point were she was telling us both she loved us before she would leave to go home. After awhile she would touch feet with us and never have a problem with it.

My other half and I decided together it was time to come out with exactly how we feel but we wanted to do it sober with out any alcohol. So she was well aware of how we felt for some time and things kind of just kept going on the way they were, Then eventually she would come over and it was like almost use us and then she would leave earlier and earlier every day. She told us one night she didnt feel good and was going to go home and go to bed her not living very far I just felt like I was being lied to and used so I went to check. She was not home she went out. I knew it. We were hurt so badly.

The next day she was confronted with it and and said she was went for a drive to clear her head we dont by it but we give her the benefit of the doubt. Every thing goes on for a bit longer and finally she stops coming over as much she knows how we feel and leads us to believe she wants the same thing but will sit there on line throwing it in our faces that she is talking to another guy. Us being ok with her talking to who ever again all we wanted was honesty. And we were not getting that at all. We were willing to except things about her no one else would. Or atleast she thinks they wouldnt. I dont know.I know this week has been the hardest week of our lives. She came over we all sat down to talk about everything and all she could say was that she loved us as best friends. Thats all she wanted.

Well if that was all she wanted then why would she do the things she did. Why would she rub on me and on my guy and then tell us she loves us all the time. It was almost for awhile like she wanted it but was afraid of it being excepted and then maybe we thought it was just that she wanted my guy and she didnt want me, but she would always get a hold of me. I had told her plenty of times I want them to touch and be comfortable with each other. Now after the conversation though we havent seen her in a couple days. She hasnt gotten a hold of me or anything and this is after her getting a hold of me on a daily basis for over a year.

I found myself becoming jealous. And I really wasnt sure of what. I thought about it and realized if everyone would have just been open and honest it would have never been like that and it wasnt me and my guy who wasnt being honest. She knew how I felt cause I had told her and she knew how my guy felt cause he had told her we just didnt know how she felt flat out and we had never come out with all our feeling in front of each other until that day. It just bothers me alot. She could of had so much we all could have. And now I feel like I either lost my best friend or she was never my best friend to begin with. Maybe I dont really know what thats like.I know my guy is my best friend though I know that with out a doubt. I share everything with him even if I know it is going to disappoint him. Because I love him.

To me it is so much more than a sex thing it is about sharing our love with another female and having her give her love back. It is about being there for each other helping each other out and that one more set of hands. It is about being open minded open hearted honest caring and compassionate and empathetic for another s feelings as well as yours and your spouses. The thing about her is I have never felt so comfortable around another female in my life. we had so much in common and we so much alike in different ways, I loved her. Who am I kidding we both still do love her when it comes down to it. I let myself become vulnerable. I let my guard down and left my heart open.

Let me tell you she had a boyfriend and he was not the greatest to her, She came to me so many times before all of this and told me she wanted to leave him. Through all of this she was away from him and I am sure now that is where she has gone back to. That hurts. I dont want we dont want to see her get hurt like that, But if she doesn't want to help her self there is nothing more I can do for her. I am trying to learn to let go and it is alot easier said than done. It is also alot easier said than done to find another person. Someone who meets your standards because I have very high standards. I keep hoping and dreaming she will change her mind and she will walk through our door but I am only kidding myself. I am sure I have left out alot of details. But that is some what were we stand at this point.
 
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Would you mind throwing in some paragraph breaks there? This giant thing is a little to daunting for some of us. :( Thanks!!!

Thank you so much. I saw that and my eyes just bugged out. ;)
 
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Yeah, big ouch there. I kinda know what you are feeling. I had a similar experience with Elric and after almost a year of trying to figure things out, we are now, finally, very good friends.

The hardest part for me was putting a stop to the wishing. Wishing he'd email, wishing he'd call, wishing for more. When we finally got to sit down (online) and discuss things, a lot of what was said ended up being the "that's what I meant to say, I'm sorry if it didn't come out that way" type of thing. Basically a miss-communication.

I do have a question or two for you though. You said that you and the hubby told your friend how you two felt, but you didn't tell us her response to your declaration, only the after effects. Another question, is she really bi or is she just comfortable being semi-physical with her female friends?

Personally, I have friends to whom I say "I love you" all the time, that doesn't mean that I want anything more than a platonic friendship or that I find them sexually attractive.

I do wish you luck on your search and especially on getting through your feelings for this other gal. You are unfortunately in a group of searchers called Unicorn Hunters, and that is a very difficult group to find success in. If you don't know about Unicorns, do a search on the forums and you will find a plethora of information.
 
Yeah, big ouch there. I kinda know what you are feeling. I had a similar experience with Elric and after almost a year of trying to figure things out, we are now, finally, very good friends.

The hardest part for me was putting a stop to the wishing. Wishing he'd email, wishing he'd call, wishing for more. When we finally got to sit down (online) and discuss things, a lot of what was said ended up being the "that's what I meant to say, I'm sorry if it didn't come out that way" type of thing. Basically a miss-communication.

I do have a question or two for you though. You said that you and the hubby told your friend how you two felt, but you didn't tell us her response to your declaration, only the after effects. Another question, is she really bi or is she just comfortable being semi-physical with her female friends?

Personally, I have friends to whom I say "I love you" all the time, that doesn't mean that I want anything more than a platonic friendship or that I find them sexually attractive.

I do wish you luck on your search and especially on getting through your feelings for this other gal. You are unfortunately in a group of searchers called Unicorn Hunters, and that is a very difficult group to find success in. If you don't know about Unicorns, do a search on the forums and you will find a plethora of information.

Ok so all the times we spent the weekends together she had been kissing on me rubbing in between my legs and so on she had never really done more than let him rub her leg. I had told her previously before that my other half, he had feelings for her. Her response was she didnt want to ruin our friend ship. After telling her that He had told her over the phone how we both felt and she was pretty much floored when she found out i felt the same way as he did. She continued on to do the same things that had been happening up until we caught in a few lies.
So pretty much she just kept telling us she loved us kissing her finger then kissing his. And so on little things like that, she lead us to believe she wanted the same things and then just pretty much stop coming around when we ask her what she wanted and just said she wanted friends we told her we needed time to separate feelings. Alot harder than I ever thought it would be but she seems to be doing ok. so I guess thats what counts.
 
People can change their minds, maybe those feelings were feeling she was feeling. Maybe she was showing you guys the love she felt because of how much you were supporting her. Maybe she liked the idea and became uncomfortable?...she may well have never been able to describe how she felt when you first told her your feelings because she didn't know. Thats not a lack of honesty. There is a time to process something like this.

who knows, shit happens. My story reads very similar to yours in a lot of ways. A couple of specific things that red flag for me

Anyways a side from all that she helped us in other ways she would help with the kids and the house and so on. Anyways so I would go shopping and she would tag along with me it was nice. But we would get her all kinds of things she wanted clothes, shirts,skirts, bras,underwear, free gas, and cigs, and so on. We spent alot of money on her and never expected anything in return except for honesty.

Really, it sounds like you did build expectations. The usual nice guy/girl curse. Doing all the right things, helping all the right ways, showing friendship....when things don't go the way you hope you find yourself having negative reactions. Sorry if that truly isnt true, but it comes across a bit.

Vandalin is very right. I have female friends that are extremely flirty, however there is no sex involved. Touching, snuggling etc. Our ex is still very touchy with Pengrah...however the understanding of friendship only is accepted now.

In the end, continue loving her and who knows, maybe she will come to love you back, as more than friends. Just leave yourself open to it. Best of luck in your search and your healing.
 
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People can change their minds, maybe those feelings were feeling she was feeling. Maybe she was showing you guys the love she felt because of how much you were supporting her. Maybe she liked the idea and became uncomfortable?...she may well have never been able to describe how she felt when you first told her your feelings because she didn't know. Thats not a lack of honesty. There is a time to process something like this.

who knows, shit happens. My story reads very similar to yours in a lot of ways. A couple of specific things that red flag for me



Really, it sounds like you did build expectations. The usual nice guy/girl curse. Doing all the right things, helping all the right ways, showing friendship....when things don't go the way you hope you find yourself having negative reactions. Sorry if that truly isnt true, but it comes across a bit.

Vandalin is very right. I have female friends that are extremely flirty, however there is no sex involved. Touching, snuggling etc. Our ex is still very touchy with Pengrah...however the understanding of friendship only is accepted now.

In the end, continue loving her and who knows, maybe she will come to love you back, as more than friends. Just leave yourself open to it. Best of luck in your search and your healing.



I agree and disagree to some point. Through all of this we told her we want to see her happy and want what she wants for herself. We told her we were not trying to stop her from having the things she wanted in life such as a family, kids and so on.
She would come to our house and be there from 9:30 am to 12 am. We would let her use our free internet and she would sit there and rub it in our face she was talking to other guys. We pretty much told her that she could do what we wanted we just wanted to know how she felt because she was coming off one way at times and another at other times. She emailed me and told me that she thinks things when she is drunk that would nto happen when she was sober. And after touchin my guy she tells him to his face he is just not her type.

Prior to her kissing me and so on she had never told me she loved me or told me she would text me when she made it home every night.
She told me at one point she had feelings that would come out with time.
To me it is almost like she is afraid it wouldnt be excepted. I am not sure.
Neither one of us wanted to stop her from those things and we made that clear to her as well.
It is just hard to be friends with someone who lies to you and doesnt make you a priority they just make you an option when all she has ever been to us is a priority.
 
She emailed me and told me that she thinks things when she is drunk that would nto happen when she was sober. And after touchin my guy she tells him to his face he is just not her type.

Maybe you were the one who was her type?...

Prior to her kissing me and so on she had never told me she loved me or told me she would text me when she made it home every night.
She told me at one point she had feelings that would come out with time.
To me it is almost like she is afraid it wouldnt be excepted. I am not sure.
Neither one of us wanted to stop her from those things and we made that clear to her as well.
It is just hard to be friends with someone who lies to you and doesnt make you a priority they just make you an option when all she has ever been to us is a priority.

I can read the pain. Sorry...I hope you can rebuild that trust and that friendship. :)
 
Maybe you were the one who was her type?...



I can read the pain. Sorry...I hope you can rebuild that trust and that friendship. :)

I don't know. She felt pretty comfortable with me. But girls can be friends and be comfortable with each other and kiss and rub each other and just have friend feelings?
I just dont want to throw our friend ship away or something maybe she just isnt sure if she wants at this point. Maybe she doesnt want it at all I dont know. She is very confusing at times and it is almost like it was a game. Like she has not text me all weekend. Which is not like her. But I broke down and text her and all it said was I hope you had a good weekend. And she text me back thanks you to.
But on face book she will sit there and chat with me about movies. Wt f? I dont get it. Certain things will never be the same. She was crying when she came over and we were all discussing our feelings. It is like if all you want is to be best friends then some of these things have to stop. I have to many emotions and I can't act on them. It hurts both of us.Thanks for all the support.
 
At first glance, she sounds like a manipulative little hm-hm-hm.

It is possible that she had a screwed up childhood and never really learned how to love and show affection properly, just how to take advantage of people who are trying to help her.

There's nothing you can really do with people like that except cut the ropes. At some point in their life, they have to learn that they're driving people away and they'll have to change their behaviour. Or else they won't, and they'll just die as the same miserable SOB's they were when they entered adulthood.
 
DAMN that is well put that sounds just how i feel just about. We spent probably 800.00 on her just out the kindness of our heart and got got lied to used and to find out tonight she is talking back to the guy that treated her like shit and put his hands on her. The one she came to me so so many times before and said i am done with him. But obviously not the case. While I was paying for her to tan and look good she was telling us what we wanted to hear and going back to him. She would only let us get to a certain point with her. idk seems all she is worried about is her self. I feel so lost lost a best friend lost alot of money and on top of it all she knows I have four kids to take care of one who was born with out an esophagus. Well he was born with esophageal atresia and down syndrome he is three now doing awesome. Still fed through a g tube but doing awesome we spent a year in the nicu and then in and out for probably close to 6 months. All that aside I just have to get over her because her true colors have shown.
 
So those of you who have been giving great input I have some more updates and would like your opinions.
So I decided to email this girl with all of the questions we had and how I felt. I figured atleast then I know she would know. I took me almost 5 hours and I had finally finished the letter.
Worst part it wasn't even good. My spelling and punctuation and stuff sucked but I was just in a hurry to get it all out.
Anyways so I emailed her the letter and she probably got it at about 5pm I didn't get a response from her until almost 6 hours later around 11pm. And she didn't even email me back. She sent me a text message that was 6 texts long.
I guess I am just saddened by the fact that she got it yesterday and I got a response last night but I would have thought that was just a quick response to let me know she cared maybe. However I have gone all day today and not heard from her.
Also we have her as a friend on facebook and we have always commented shared info and so on. But for some reason she blocked us from seeing her wall. I didnt understand that because she is friends with both of my kids on there and so i logged into there accounts and I could see it so that is how I knew she was lying. But it didnt appear she was hiding anything at all. So why did she do that?
I guess I am wondering what I should do now since she didnt even take the time to email me back all I got was a text. A text that probably took her no longer than 40 seconds to write out. I know it was no more than one minute tops and that is so send.
So what do you think?....
 
I think you're more invested in this relationship than her?

I am assuming the text did not answer your questions? Otherwise you wouldn't be upset about its brevity?

Since we don't know the content of the letter or response, or even your expectation of a response, you could do a couple of things

1 - email her and ask her for a more detailed response (don't expect one, but at least she would know the investment)
2 - give her time to stew. Facebook is a reactionary thing. Its like the proverbial cold shoulder.
3 - If nothing she does satisfies you than it may be time to cut your losses. You have attempted communication and she has refused, she is pulling the e-cold shoulder. As a guy, if my gf or ex gf started to do this, I would take the hint.....

or

3b - realize that she is not interested, only wants to be friends, is a poor communicator and has less of an investment in the relationship. Realize this and still remain her friend.

Good luck :)
 
Ahem.....We had a friend like this not so long ago. Would use us for sex, etc.. She broke up with her boyfriend, which was drama city & beyond. After a lot, which I won't go into (partly my fault & I will go into it at some point, just not here so I don't hijack the thread), she stopped texting, stopped emailing, stopped wanting to get together for anything, she even got a new phone number and didn't give him the number. Breathes tried to hang in there, kept asking to go for coffee, etc. just so he could say good-bye to her. After four months not once would she get together for coffee or anything. After he finally realized how much his hanging in there was hurting me he unfriended her & took her out of his phone list, email list, etc. He's still hurting but at least he doesn't have to look at her posts and wonder.....

My point, sometimes you just have to cut the strings and get on with life the best you can. Find some hobbies, spend extra time with hub & kids, forgive yourself and each other. We all make mistakes, in time she will learn what she has lost & by then it will be too late for her.

Hugs
 
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I totally agree with you. Just alot easier said than done. Her and I were best friends before any of this ever happened. i think that is why it is so hard. Now there are feelings that have grew that were never there before between the two of us with her.
We want her so bad but she just doesn't seem to be the friend or lover that we thought she could be and that hurts so bad after being lead to believe it was all possible.
 
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