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Old 02-14-2017, 04:51 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,383

You are not being unreasonable.


Read the pros/cons of primary-secondary. It might help you realize that you feelings are not unusual.

It is possible that you were up for "primary-secondary" model to start out with, but now want to develop into "co-primary" model instead. So you need to know where your poly people are themselves at THIS new point in time. Do they also want to change what model you practice together? Or not?

Figure out if this is still compatible or not.

when I've mentioned that I've had hurt feelings, or I'm not having my needs meet, bf's reply was "you knew what you were getting into when we got together. " Unfortunately, I don't think any of us knew what we were getting into, We sort of got into this by accident and just aren't really sure how to go about things.
You might not know how to "do poly" since you are figuring it out as you go along.

But I suspect you know how you want your BFs to treat you.
  • Do you want a BF who will listen when you make him aware of your feelings? Or one who ignores it?
  • Do you want a BF who considers when you make requests of him and gives you an actual answer? Where you ask if he's willing to help meet a need of yours -- and he says "Yes, I am willing and able to do that at this time" or "No, I am not willing at able to do that at this time." Or one who makes excuses?

Since when does being in a mono OR poly thing mean accepting a "BF who minimizes my concerns and pooh poohs me?"

If you have been "shrinking yourself" to fit into this relationship, you could stop. Speak your truth. Ask for what you need.

BF can either meet it or not. You decide if you get needs met enough times for you to remain willing to stay.

If he's always blowing you off? He's blowing you off. You could choose to leave. Because your willingness to stay or not belongs to you.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-14-2017 at 05:02 AM.
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Old 02-14-2017, 05:46 AM
j68junebug j68junebug is offline
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 9

Galagirl, you are correct. I started out ok with being his secondary. After 2 years together, I think I'd like more. I know the term secondary doesn't describe his feelings for me at all, but it does describe my place in our relationship. I think we've made it to the point that if I brought up the idea of a co-primary arrangement, they may be more open to it. If not, I'm to the point where I'll be ok emotionally if they can't agree and we have to call it quits. It helps to know I'm not being unreasonable. You've given me some good things to think about and some ideas to start some conversations with them
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primary/secondary, secondary treatment

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