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Old 10-12-2011, 02:35 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,543


How did it make you feel to send the "I love you " message?

How about looking at her as another human that's suffering a lot guilt, and pain....erase the imaginary Hitler mustache or horns or whatever negative image you have ...and just see a human who fucked up bad. Trust me I know this isn't easy or might not be possible .

Maybe try little acts of kindness... ( like your message) maybe send her a message asking her if she'd like a hug ...a spooning nap.....ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING TALKING ... or talking about fucking ....bottom line nobody is allow to talk during the" little acts of kindness time"....very hard rule.....you might need the paint ball gun to enforce that rule.

These little acts of kindness might help you feel better ...slow some the anger down and break the cycle ...for her it might be a slight break from being on the defensive ...and give some hope to the future.

Just a couple of suggestions ....and to be honest I've been very unsuccessful in this.....so I'm not preaching.....or even saying I know what works ...because I clearly don't

Good luck D
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Old 10-12-2011, 05:55 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478

Hey Po,
I just gotta say that nycin has been super helpful to me this past year. I know sometimes she can give some "tough love" comments, or even miss the mark, but overall her intentions are always good. And I can't tell you how many times she has actually NAILED something that I was completely clueless about! I think it's extremely kind and thoughtful of her to even bother reading the stuff I write, really. I'm sorry some of her comments have rubbed you the wrong way.

I think there is a good possibility of you and VC repairing things if you try to stay in the PRESENT. The lies, although they still sting and rip you up, were in the past. She is not sneaking around behind your back at this very moment, right? So just for today, you can enjoy each other's company if you stay off the hurts of the past for a little while. NOT to say they are just going to evaporate on their own. But you two need some good moments, to get you through this time. Moments of lightness, of laughter, of enjoying your kids and your -- just for today -- intact family. I think it's hard to count your blessings when things used to be SO good between you, and now it feels like it crashed all the harder. But from what it sounds like, you two had it better than MOST married couples do, and maybe you still do, actually!

I know what the lies can do. But if you have hope, you can get through them -- and I guess what I'm trying to say is, today I am sensing hope, for you guys.
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
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abuse of power, anger, blame, boundaries, dishonesty, forgiveness

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