Help on how to understand ones own feelings

Jennybean

New member
Hello all!
I recently posted about the unprepared fiasco that was mine and my husbands first attempt at polyamory.

I have been processing all the information I can get my hands on: reading 'More than two', blog posts, forum posts, and listening to amazing Poly podcasts but still I am struggling to understand my own feelings. I cannot seem to get down to the real reasons I am having the feelings I am having and then understand them enough to communicate them properly.

Overall I feel so threatened that my husband may have a romantic relationship on his own without me, but am totally not opposed to having one together. I struggle with the "fear of missing out (FOMO)". I also fear losing him and our marriage which has been so amazing lately. I feel just so fucking scared and seem to be unable to understand or talk myself through my feelings.

My husband and I have always been sexual explorers with each other and have included others in our sex life together in the past, but I am just getting so upset with myself that I cannot seem to let go of my jealousy of thinking of him spending quality time with another person. I am struggling with trust, mostly that I can trust my own feelings and what he says his feelings and needs are.

We have decided to take a break from actively thinking about being poly and trying to truly understand our feelings and become better communicators before we proceed. We have given ourselves two weeks to really delve into our needs and our feelings before we really discuss it again (helps that my husband is out of town working so we can really process it alone with our thoughts).

I do feel that he and I could be polyamorous if I could just understand my feelings and be a better communicator. Well, we both could be better communicators, but also I am a really bad passive communicator so I have been trying to adjust to a more direct communication style.

This is a rambling post, so I apologize. Mostly I am looking for techniques or processes that you may have used to really flesh out your feelings and needs and desires because I feel lost with mine.
Thanks so much guys!
 
FWIW, you seem to articulate your feelings fine. It didn't seem rambling to me.

The other thread seems to have dealt with the miscommunication. You and husband eventually talked and sorted some stuff out. The only thing I would add is learn to say this:

"Could you be willing to repeat that back in your own words so I know you got it how I meant it?"​

If my mom says "I need a lift" she means an elevator. If I say that I mean a ride to go somewhere. Which is why taking the time to check for meaning/understanding is important. "Calibrate" your words.

You asked for some other communication tools and emotional management tools... YMMV with some of the suggestions below.

Overall I feel so threatened that my husband may have a romantic relationship on his own without me, but am totally not opposed to having one together.

Possibly because that it the easiest to imagine. It's like "the same as usual just with another person in the mix."

If your only experience of him dating other people is "before he dated me" or this recent misunderstanding where he did not call first... then you are not in the picture. So maybe it's triggering stuff for you to think about him dating other people because you are "not in the picture."

I struggle with the "fear of missing out (FOMO)".

When you say "fear of missing out" do you mean "fear of being left behind?"

What are you going to miss out on? Even if you were all dating the same person (call them Apple)... each dyad needs some privacy.
  • You + husband
  • You + Apple
  • Husband + Apple

It cannot always be

  • you + husband+ Apple

Not because there's anything wrong going on or secrets or something. But because each pair needs some time on their own.

I also fear losing him and our marriage which has been so amazing lately.

You could talk about how to break up WELL, if it has to happen. Get as much of your things in order now -- separate checking accounts for instance. Because if the shit hits the fan, that is not the time to start talking or start planning. You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.

You also cannot assume it will end up with (you+ husband) and Apple off on their own like it was "originally." It could go another way -- even down to everyone single.

When you are able to talk about not being together, it takes the fear away. Having a plan takes the fear away. And talking about it can bring you closer together.

Seek to take away from your fears/stress and add to your sense of closeness/safety. Not the opposite.

That's a technique even children can do. I've seen them do it quickly and efficiently. "I see you are doing X behavior. The goal is Y. Does this behavior ADD or TAKE AWAY from the goal?"

You could ask yourself that.

I feel just so fucking scared and seem to be unable to understand or talk myself through my feelings.

Possibly because you are experiencing more than one feeling at a time. Slow it down. If you cannot solve it all, seek to just reduce the number of things on your plate.

I believe feelings ensue after behavior. Either thinking behavior or doing behavior. If I don't like how I feel? I have to figure out what behavior to change, then give it time for new feelings to ensue.

So... what are the feelings? Can you make a list?

Then what behavior are you doing that creates each of these uncomfortable feelings?

If you are sitting around telling yourself you are going to miss out... that you are going to end up breaking up... that's not going to feel good. Like listening to the doom and gloom radio station in your head.

Rather than fuel "fears" you could fuel "coping" instead. Change the channel. You can ID potential pitfalls and instead of telling yourself "Oh no! I'm afraid! I won't be able to cope!" you could find one way to deal with it and think "Alright. Not loving it if it happens, but if it does, I CAN cope. I have 1 plan, and if it actually happens, I can come up with more. I am capable." That's a different kind of radio station in your head.

I gave this emotional wheel to kid in elementary school. She'd moved beyond the basic feelings -- happy, sad, mad, scared, etc. But she was still figuring out "emotional volume." One can be frustrated (low volume mad) with the puzzle. But that's different than being mad (middle volume) or ENRAGED (high volume.) One does not fling themselves to the ground sobbing for a stubbed toe on the coffee table. You save that level of grief for a pet dying or something bigger. Stubbed toes can be a smaller sad like "Ouch! That's a bummer!"
And if you don't like the one you are feeling, you aim for the one opposite. Do behavior to try to arrive at that feeling.

Maybe using the wheel helps you.

Maybe something like the Wellness Workbook and taking the Wellness Index could help you. It has chapters on coping with feelings and thinking about thinking.

My husband and I have always been sexual explorers with each other and have included others in our sex life together in the past, but I am just getting so upset with myself that I cannot seem to let go of my jealousy of thinking of him spending quality time with another person.

Are you worried you will be taken for granted or take time away from you? Like he's spending all this time and energy courting this new person, where courting YOU has gone by the way side? If so, address that.

Is it mourning loss? Because there is a time period for that. I see a lot of people writing like "add a third." That's not my experience.

It's more like deliberately choosing to break up the old model. In favor of trying a new model. So while there's some excitement about trying the new thing, at the same time, there's a sense of sadness/loss about the old thing.

I think it is normal for the transition time to be weird. The "old normal" is gone and the "new normal" isn't here yet.

I am struggling with trust, mostly that I can trust my own feelings and what he says his feelings and needs are.

I'd rather trust behavior. That's something I can observe and a thing either happened or did not happen. Regardless of how I feel about it.

If over time a person has shown themselves to be trustworthy? I will trust them at their Word. Has husband given you reason to doubt his Word? He says his feelings and needs are one thing but really they are another?

When a person's talk matches their walk? I know they have integrity. Or put another way -- they say what they mean, mean what they say, and they do what they say they will do.

Being able to articulate needs is a skill. This list is sometimes helpful.

https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory It makes it easier to print and circle what you need.

In general, NVC is a good way to communicate. Maybe you want to look at that? There's several books, but I like this one best.

Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation


There's a "cheat sheet" here.

we both could be better communicators, but also I am a really bad passive communicator so I have been trying to adjust to a more direct communication style.

Then you know what you have to work on -- stop being a passive communicator and be more assertive/clear.

Mostly I am looking for techniques or processes that you may have used to really flesh out your feelings and needs and desires because I feel lost with mine.

I already suggested NVC above and the Wellness Workbook. As well as being ok with feelings being whatever they are and focussing on behavior instead.

Maybe this also helps. When my spouse comes home, he's fried. He cannot answer "How are you?" because to him that's like "blank paper essay test."

But if I break it down into smaller question he can answer.

  • How's your body? Need a nap? (Because then I know to either have dinner without him or hold it)
  • How's your mind? Need a brain break? (Because then I know to postpone any serious conversation until later that requires him to think.)
  • How's your heart/emotions? Feeling upset or ok or...? (Because sometimes he has crazy people for clients.)
  • How's your spirit? Good spirit? Poor spirit? (Because one can get lost in the daily grind or start veering off from what they value.)

It's a shorter version of the dimensions of wellness.

He can answer when asked like that because then it isn't "blank paper." It's more like "Multiple choice."

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Hey Jenny, I remember your first post.

You're going through a rough patch. Don't be too harsh on yourself. Your partner crossed some boundaries (either semi-knowingly or unknowingly) and you're still hurting from that. You're also trying to push yourself to remove those boundaries after they were violated. Clearly that's going to be tough. Giving yourself 2 weeks is unlikely to be long enough. Trust takes longer than that to rebuild.

You say that you feel you could be polyamorous if you just understood your feelings and worked towards being a better communicator. I'd say you could be polyamorous if you gave yourself and your husband more time. Use that time to become a better communicator.

Good luck,
Shaya.
 
Mostly I am looking for techniques or processes that you may have used to really flesh out your feelings and needs and desires because I feel lost with mine.
Thanks so much guys!
Hi Jenny,
I often get non-specific tension, or numbness/tiredness/depression, or being all shaky, and I'm not at all sure what the underlying feeling is. I also tend to get overwhelmed or confused with contradictory thoughts and feelings. I've encountered a variety of techniques over the years, so I just sketch some.

Journaling, or automatic writing, is great to gain clarity. With journaling, I just write out any feelings or thoughts I have. They tend to get more clear in the process. Automatic writing is where I try to surrender all control and just write whatever comes to my mind, I don't care about sentences being cohesive, and I don't censor myself. (You might want to destroy that piece of paper afterwards, sometimes things come out which you don't want to share even with yourself ;))

Also, locate feelings in the body. Often if you give attention to the part of the body where you feel the emotion most, the feeling changes.

If feelings are inarticulate, drawing or other nonverbal art forms may help you to express yourself. Sometimes your feeling is just best named by a picture.

Visualization is also great. Sometimes you wish to interact with parts of yourself. You can actually let them take any shape (an animal, a child, a demon) in your imagination and let them freely react as you pose a question, offer them what they need etc.

You could also use physical objects to represent your inner world or your situation (assign an object to a feeling, a person or whatever, then position it in space in relation to other objects). Basically whatever helps you to view things from a different angle.

To release feelings, for me expression through movement is often best. Use music or drums and move as you feel fit.
To release thoughts, physical relaxation techniques are good. Concentration on the body in general helps. Or meditation, with practice (but being able to physically relax is a requirement nontheless).

Releasing feelings and thoughts, or just "chilling out" for a while sometimes makes all the difference - as the experience is different the next day. Leaving everything behind is just as important a skill as diving heads first into the feelings - if you avoid feelings, they take you by surprise later, if you process too much you exhaust yourself. I don't know to which side you lean.

Working with a therapist can take all of the above to another level. If they're good, they can teach the techniques.

As you see there is a wealth of possibilities to make your inner world slightly less confusing. Do whatever suits your nature.
Sometimes all the awareness in the world is not enough to sort through it all, and you have to gather more data by taking action.
 
Hi Jennybean,

It sounds like you need to decide whether you can tolerate your husband having a separate outside relationship, or whether having a joint relationship (involving someone with both you and your husband) is a must for you. As for understanding your own feelings, GalaGirl and Tinwen have gave some excellent suggestions, which I recommend you try.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you everyone... my homework this weekend is to go through all of these suggestions and try them out. Mostly I just feel so much better for having some tools at hand for all my emotions.
One awesome thing that has come from all of this, is that I want to know myself more, to really dive into my feelings, and to reconnect with my self-worth. Just being able to talk to all of you aids in that. Thank you for all the help and support!
 
Thank you everyone... my homework this weekend is to go through all of these suggestions and try them out.
Glad it is inspiring :)
I guarantee you won't be able to try everything in one weekend ;) Pick what resonates.
Emotional work can be exhausting, so unless you are extremely inspired, choose a feeling or one technique, give it an hour and then give yourself a break for the rest of the day.
 
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