I feel... calm? Is that right?

Wow, this is the real deal. Your wife is off, far away, getting f****d by some other guy, gazing into his eyes, moaning w pleasure, maybe falling in love w him. That's polyamory. Sorry to be blunt, but hey, that's what you signed up for. Embrace it. There's no going back. Are you sure you want this? If so, be strong. There are meaningful perks.

Although you may be technically accurate, it really rubs me the wrong way when people say stuff like this. If you sit around thinking "my partner is off getting fucked by somebody" it seems like a set up to feel bad about it - and this isn't the first time I've seen an OP pretty much say "OK, my wife is off having sex, I'm dealing with it well enough" and somebody comes and says "your wife is off fucking this dude" (and that's ALWAYS said by a guy in my experience) It just doesn't seem like there's a nice purpose to that. I mean geesh, when somebody is working hard and dealing pretty well with a new poly experience, why start trying to put crappy images in his head about how there must be this moaning hot fuckfest going on? Maybe there's awkward laughter and condom related performance issues. Maybe the sex is nice but she's missing that delicious connection she has with her husband because he knows how to touch her just right. Maybe most of the time is spent trying to figure out where to go for lunch.

Regardless, I'm feeling snarky because I feel like when people say stuff like that, they are probably having anger & insecurity issues in their own relationship, instead of feeling loved and supportive of their own stuff. Just feel like there's no need to try to try to rain on someone's parade just for the hell of it, as I didn't see anything in this thread that required a reality check of that nature. Perhaps I'm out of line, and it's cause it's 4 am, but I can't resist posting anyway :rolleyes:
 
It's not unbearable yet but I made the joke to her today that by monday I was going to be a broken man, lol.
Yikes. Be careful about making jokes like that. The image of you as a "broken man" has been put into her consciousness now and it will likely have an effect. Don't forget that she is going through her own emotional roller-coaster about this change to your relationship, too. She doesn't want to think that what she's doing will break you down.

While having a sense of humor is important, making jokes about something you're uncomfortable with can be a passive-aggressive way to get what you want without really asking for it or expressing your fears, needs, etc. That is unconscious sabotage, a way of poisoning things for her -- and ultimately protecting yourself. It's like you put a turd on her ice cream cone, ya know? Here's she's got this nice ice cream and even though the turd is small, she can't enjoy it and has to throw it away. And maybe then she'll forget about all this poly business and just be with you, hmmm.

Better to sit with your feelings, come to terms with the part of you that fears this (this meaning the actual reality of polyamory) and feels it will break you (your words), and talk it out with trusted friends, a therapist, or us folks here before dumping on her. But it is something you should talk about with her when she gets back, after you calm yourself down a bit, and without backhanded jokes.
 
Ah, I make dumb jokes all the time like that. She knows how I am and just ignores me. Besides, it has nothing to do with her being with him and everything to do with her being gone. You're right, I probably shouldn't have said it, but I have no doubt she isn't thinking about it.
 
Good point. I apologize for being vulgar and/or unkind. I have poly tendencies myself, so I should be more compassionate. I just hope the OP thought this through carefully before sending his wife off on her love mission.
 
Good point. I apologize for being vulgar and/or unkind. I have poly tendencies myself, so I should be more compassionate. I just hope the OP thought this through carefully before sending his wife off on her love mission.

I over analyze every detail of my life. I thought about this week every second of every day I was awake for a month before she went. So yes, I've thought this through. I weighed the pros and cons of letting her go, the fact that she's seeing someone that I know and talk to from time to time, the fact that if he isn't discrete this could hurt a friendship I have with another mono couple we know, and way way more that I don't want to get into right now. Trust me when I say I have thought about this very, very often. I am constantly reevaluating my decision even now and my mind hasn't changed. I'm happy for her.
 
Ah, I make dumb jokes all the time like that. She knows how I am and just ignores me. Besides, it has nothing to do with her being with him and everything to do with her being gone. You're right, I probably shouldn't have said it, but I have no doubt she isn't thinking about it.
They call those gallows jokes. Because there is lots of pain behind them. Seriously, they do have an effect subconsciously, even if she seems to laugh it off or ignore it. If this is a pattern in how you communicate, it would probably behoove you to look at what the uncomfortable feelings are that prompt you to gloss over them with a joke.
 
Good point. I apologize for being vulgar and/or unkind. I have poly tendencies myself, so I should be more compassionate. I just hope the OP thought this through carefully before sending his wife off on her love mission.

You know, even just saying he "sent his wife on a love mission" belittles the choices they both made. What, is she just a body in a package he is sending to someone to use? Geez, SoCalDoc, it would seem you've got your own issues to deal with, eh? She may be "his wife" but she is not a thing that belongs to him. She is her own person, this is what she wanted, they discussed, and he agreed to it and supported her choice.
 
I'm having a hard time seeing that (joke ) or comment being anything.

I imagine it came up in the context of ...how are you holding up? ...ok the first day ... had some struggles yesterday and....blah blah ... THE POINT of it is /was ...this has been hard and is getting harder with each day .....maybe harder then he plan for or expected. So what if he express how that discomfort has been building wrapped in an exaggeration (joke). You want to critique his communications style....today. Right now he stuck doing all the heavy lifting ....I give him all the slack he needs or wants. I think her lack of communication is fueling this ....not anything from his end.
 
I'm having a hard time seeing that (joke ) or comment being anything.
Maybe you do the same type of thing and that's why can't see it, DH.

Okay, it was just something I pointed out as something to look out for and keep in check. Self-deprecating humor, or any jokes that put down one or the other in a relationship, do harm, whether you see it that way or not.

Maybe it's no big deal to the OP and his wife, it was just a suggestion. Take it or leave it.
THE POINT of it is /was ...this has been hard and is getting harder with each day .....maybe harder then he plan for or expected. So what if he express how that discomfort has been building wrapped in an exaggeration (joke).
Right. So why not just fucking say what's bothering you instead of pretending it doesn't and making a joke about it which gets under the skin? I do have a sense of humor and am often funny in conversations, but I think it's important have awareness about whether or not humor is used as a passive-aggressive way to protect oneself or express discomfort. Because you do that often enough without really talking about the stuff that bothers you and eventually it builds up and explodes shit all over everyone. And what can the other partner say, except, "But I thought you were joking?"
Right now he stuck doing all the heavy lifting ....I give him all the slack he needs or wants. I think her lack of communication is fueling this ....not anything from his end.
Lack of communication? It's only been, like, two days. And wow, interesting how you're the second guy to imply that Katie herself is not wrestling with the emotional ramifications of opening up the marriage. Just because she is the one to find someone and make the trip to start another relationship does not mean she isn't also doing "heavy lifting." Gah! This idea you and SoCalDoc have of the forlorn hubby sitting at home while wifey galavants and gets laid, without being thoughtful or doing any of her own inner work, is so sexist, onesided, and distastetful.
 
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Woot, thought-police. My favourite. :rolleyes:

If the nature of your relationship, is one where you can be blunt and have fun with things,..then there is no 'pain' or anything wrong with being blunt and cheeky. You don`t need to tippy-toe around each others' fuzzy little hearts,
( as an example.) as long as you are considerate and sincere in actions, and serious discussion.

If the nature of your relationship, is one where you dont normally say blunt, things and jokes of that nature, then it might be shocking and cruel.

If someone was always being 'sensitive' and well, honestly, as humourless as this board can be, it wouldn`t make it to date #2 with me. So lets not paint everyone with the same brush. I`ve had other females and males complain to me privately about this too,..so,..it`s not just me.


..Ok, back to your regular, debatable stuff.

P.S.- I use 'off fucking some dude' type of language all the time. I am most definitely,..not a man.
 
It wasn`t directed at you personally, nycindie. It was an overall remark to various responses.

If it was personal, I`d of quoted you.

..but since you bring it up, congrats on Kyle pm-ing you with thank you`s. Does this mean you can stop attacking thoughts different then your own ?
(Calling DH`s comment sexist ?,..Really ! Very rude. You may not like his politics or thoughts, but he would say the exact same thing to two men. (That is for him to defend for himself, though. ) Maybe you`ve forgotten to practice what you preach ? If you are preaching about how to have discussions with people, you might want to lead by example. Take that for what`s it worth. I usually like how well-spoken you are,..regardless of agreement on the subject.

For the record, I was stating the practice of painting everyone with the same brush. The tone of the thread had gone into the 'This is how it is 'type of advice, which can be dangerous on any subject. People are individuals and relationships are unique as we are all aware.
 
Does this mean you can stop attacking thoughts different then your own ?
Who's attacking? I'm just sharing my opinion on statements made. I can't read anyone's minds to attack their thoughts. Why do some people here think that an opinion is an attack? If I had said, "You're an asshole, shut up" that might be an attack. Nor was I preaching. Can't a person share their viewpoint in a straightforward fashion without it being labeled as an attack or preaching?
(Calling DH`s comment sexist ?,..Really ! Very rude.
I fail to see how pointing out something as being sexist -- not to DH only, but also SoCalDoc -- is rude. Two males in this thread made comments about the OP's wife Katie being off doing her thing and the OP is left to hold the bag. SoCalDoc implied that the OP's wife is his property, sent off to get fucked, and DH that she isn't struggling with the decision they made together just as much as the OP is. He says the OP is left to do the "heavy lifting," as if the woman thoughtlessly abandoned the OP for sex with someone else. In my view, both comments pander to sexist roles of husband and wife. In my view, both seem to dismiss her as a person who has her own mind and that she and the OP chose this together. Yeah, I call that sexist. So sue me. But I'm not attacking anyone and have no desire to do so. Like I said, it's just my opinion, so take it or leave it.

The tone of the thread had gone into the 'This is how it is 'type of advice, which can be dangerous on any subject.
Oh, surprise, surprise. SourGirl isn't happy with the tone of a thread and has to educate us all on how to do it right. Talk about preaching... sigh.
 
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Who's attacking? I'm just sharing my opinion on statements made. I can't read anyone's minds to attack their thoughts. Why do some people here think that an opinion is an attack? If I had said, "You're an asshole, shut up" that might be an attack.
Well you did use profanity as leverage, on a thread preaching how we talk to people. :rolleyes:
Right. So why not just fucking say what's bothering you instead of pretending it doesn't and making a joke about it which gets under the skin?

I fail to see how pointing out something as being sexist -- not to DH only, but also SoCalDoc -- is rude. Two males in this thread made comments about the OP's wife Katie being off doing her thing and the OP is left to hold the bag. SoCalDoc implied that the OP's wife is his property, sent off to get fucked, and DH that she isn't being thoughtful or isn't struggling with the decision they made together, that the OP is left to do the "heavy lifting." Both comments pander to sexist roles of husband and wife. Both seem to dismiss her as a person who has her own mind and that she and the OP chose this together. Yeah, I call that sexist. So sue me.

Would if I could. ;)

I admit, I am putting my own rules of interaction onto you here. However I have to ask, isn`t it some kind of irony ? Here you are offering advice/opinions on how to interact with people over passive-aggressive wording, or emotionally charged discussions, yet it doesn`t seem to move you, that one of the things we as society should be careful of, is emotionally-charged labels such as 'racist' or 'sexist' ? You are assuming, and faulting him for something he would of equally said to two men. He posts often enough that it is general knowledge. Having a different point of view then you, does not make the remark sexist, unless he eluded, or out-right stated, that she was doing it simply because she is a woman, and he is a man.
It does however, make you equally as guilty of sexism, as what you accuse him to be.
However, AnneInTheRain out-right stated, that she only see`s men do 'this'. There is no sexist out-cry there, as she is supporting your point.

And so, the double-standard is set. Talk about damned if ya do, damned if ya don`t.

There is a difference between having an opinion, and being opinionated. 'Opinions' comes with responsibility.

..Don`t I know it !
 
I just thought that context and history would play a huge factor in that remark. Also there are a lot people who see passive aggressive around every corner and co dependency in every shadow. I'm too direct to be passive aggressive.

Sexist ...really. I was thinking of a "person " sitting home alone ...with his kids, empty bed, pictures hanging on the walls, cloths in the closets ....Its WAY FUCKING different than ...off in a different city...someone else s home ...Constant distraction ...Seem that the "PERSON " stay home is going to do the heavy lifting ....Whatever the sex of that person. You've never been in this position......so til you have might want to back of the sexist crap.


Now ...an equal situation would be ....they both leave for 10days in different directions to explore new lovers ... This way the triggers of the house or home aren't there ...pictures on the wall of wife or husband taring you in the face. Both have their own built in distractions and can focus on the new partners.
 
Well you did use profanity as leverage, on a thread preaching how we talk to people. :rolleyes:
Right. So why not just fucking say what's bothering you instead of pretending it doesn't and making a joke about it which gets under the skin?
Oh, I just like the F-word. And I wasn't preaching about how to talk to people. I cautioned the OP to look at what's behind his jokes, as a way to understand himself better and prevent possibly sabotaging his relationship with his wife, and expressed my dismay at sexism I saw in others' remarks, with the intention of illuminating a viewpoint that perhaps they hadn't thought of. Preaching? No, I really don't give a fuck if anyone agrees with me or not. Oops, there's the F-word again!

However I have to ask, isn`t it some kind of irony ? Here you are offering advice/opinions on how to interact with people over passive-aggressive wording, or emotionally charged discussions, yet it doesn`t seem to move you, that one of the things we as society should be careful of, is emotionally-charged labels such as 'racist' or 'sexist' ?
Really, I didn't know I was supposed to be careful not to use those terms. I didn't know the word was so emotionally charged that a person can't let someone know when they see something as sexist. Sexism is so rampant in this society. It's everywhere, why not point it out. I don't see any irony.

You are assuming, and faulting him for something he would of equally said to two men. He posts often enough that it is general knowledge.
It isn't general knowledge to me that he would have said the same thing about a man. Again, I was not calling DH or SoCalDoc sexists, but stated that the ideas they expressed were sexist, or at least seemed sexist to me.

Having a different point of view then you, does not make the remark sexist, unless he eluded, or out-right stated, that she was doing it simply because she is a woman, and he is a man.
Well, my perspective is all I have to go on, and it seemed pretty sexist to me, so I stand by it. I don't think it's rude to say something is sexist. I supposed I should have clarified that it is sexist in my opinion, but no one else needs to agree with me.

It does however, make you equally as guilty of sexism, as what you accuse him to be.
However, AnneInTheRain out-right stated, that she only see`s men do 'this'. There is no sexist out-cry there, as she is supporting your point.

And so, the double-standard is set. Talk about damned if ya do, damned if ya don`t.
So, my mistake is in uttering the word "sexist?" Because I'm supposed to be careful about it? But if I say men do this or women do that, it's not the same as saying something is sexist? This does not make any sense to me whatsoever.

There is a difference between having an opinion, and being opinionated. 'Opinions' comes with responsibility.
Yeah... and I don't think I was being irresponsible at all in contributing to this thread. My intention has been to be helpful, not preachy. If that doesn't come across, well, maybe I give up.
 
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Yeah... and I don't think I was being irresponsible at all in contributing to this thread. My intention has been to be helpful, not preachy. If that doesn't come across, well, maybe I give up.

I already and originally, stated you called the comment sexist, not them. You don`t have to live by my, or anyone else`s view of what is right or wrong. I also don`t see fault in your intentions, just the result.

You are entitled to not only your opinion, but your beliefs. I had just hoped you would be more responsible with words like sexism. Maybe ask for clarification, before ruling it as so. NOTHING he said had any link to sexism. The questioning was in line with whatever 'partner' was at home.
Tossing 'sexism' around, anytime we don`t like what we hear, is also irresponsible. I don`t agree with the use of words like racist, sexist, bigot, etc., being used so flippantly. It seems to be ok to some people, but not to me.

This little debate started, because you assumed I was stating something personal, when I wasn`t. Now you don`t like what you read, and seem perplexed ? You asked, I answered.

Edit to add : I`ve derailed the thread enough, and I`ve made any point I wanted to make. If there is anymore need for debate, feel free to PM. For now, the weather is smartening up outside, and I need to get back to work. :)
 
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Sexist ...really. I was thinking of a "person " sitting home alone ...with his kids, empty bed, pictures hanging on the walls, cloths in the closets ....Its WAY FUCKING different than ...off in a different city...someone else s home ...Constant distraction ...Seem that the "PERSON " stay home is going to do the heavy lifting ....Whatever the sex of that person. You've never been in this position......so til you have might want to back of the sexist crap.
Well, I don't think sexism is crap, but you are right - I have never been in that position so I may have misunderstood your post. I apologize. Maybe the "heavy lifting" phrase confused me. I took your comment and SoCalDoc's as having something to do with traditional roles of husband and wife - hence, I saw sexism. In my marriage, I had been apart and longing for my husband when he was on business trips, but we were never poly so I don't know how it feels to know a spouse is with someone else intimately. But it does sound like the OP was finding some distractions and being with someone else for company, so that is good. I just took exception to the seeming assumption that his wife wasn't in just as much turmoil or struggling with it as he might be, just because she was the one away and with someone else. I know for myself, no one ever seems to be able to tell how much something is bothering me because I learned to hide it well. Maybe that's why I learned to speak my mind rather bluntly.
 
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Tossing 'sexism' around, anytime we don`t like what we hear, is also irresponsible. I don`t agree with the use of words like racist, sexist, bigot, etc., being used so flippantly. It seems to be ok to some people, but not to me.
I disagree that I "tossed around" the word or used it flippantly. I may have misunderstood what was stated and may have been incorrect in using it, but it was my viewpoint at the time, not used without forethought, and I felt it was valid when I posted it. In my previous post I admiited to misconstruing DH's intent and apologized. However, just because you don't like the word and believe that people should be careful with it, doesn't mean when someone else uses it that it is being "tossed around" irresponsibly or flippantly. I would see it as more of a big deal if people didn't speak up when they perceived sexism than when they do.
 
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