Online Dating… OKCupid... what a trip. What works for you?

Poor J says she's given up on dating. She says no one wants to date her, only wants to come over and fuck. :( I wonder what it is that is attracting those kinds of men?
 
My husband used an alias on OKC when he had a profile (b/c of concerns of being outed), do most people do that?

What kind of an alias?

I am very out there online. My photo is linked to multiple local poly groups on meetup and fetlife, and I have multiple recognizable photos on OKC. It really wouldn't make much sense to deny it if confronted. The potential risk isn't worth completely disappearing from the local community, so... We'll see how it goes.
 
My husband used an alias on OKC when he had a profile (b/c of concerns of being outed), do most people do that?

What kind of an alias?

I am very out there online. My photo is linked to multiple local poly groups on meetup and fetlife, and I have multiple recognizable photos on OKC. It really wouldn't make much sense to deny it if confronted.

Most people on online dating sites don't use their actual names as usernames for the sites. I would think that is the logical thing to do. It's not just about hiding what you do, it is about staying safe on the internet, from identity theft and other possible crimes and mayhem. I always wonder what people are thinking when I come across the occasional username like FirstnameLastnameZipcode. It's like asking for trouble!
 
I don't share my real name until I know the other persons real name (and have verified it trough comparing pics with info that can be found online). Sometimes this in our email communication, sometimes it's not until the first date.

My real name is quite unique and through it, you can find out a lot about me online.

I do have recognizable pics on OKC. I figure that who recognizes me, already knows me, and I don't care about that.

(I had a funny thing happen once - I got a message on OKC from a guy who had seen me on the street, recognized my pic from OKC, and decided that seeing me in person was the push he needed to contact me. His profile did not really appeal to me (he was very unsure about wether poly was for him) unfortunately.
 
I don't generally toss my real name out there.
But if someone really wanted to find it-it wouldn't be hard (I've searched and it's just not hard).

I gave up on trying to figure out how to manage to run a business, manage multiple social groups, deal with school clubs, and keep my real name off the internet.
 
Most people on online dating sites don't use their actual names as usernames for the sites. I would think that is the logical thing to do. It's not just about hiding what you do, it is about staying safe on the internet, from identity theft and other possible crimes and mayhem. I always wonder what people are thinking when I come across the occasional username like FirstnameLastnameZipcode. It's like asking for trouble!

I've never considered a username an alias, I guess.
 
When I get asked my name, I tell them my nickname (Ali) and not my actual birth name and definitely no last name. They'd never find me in a search since Ali is not for Allison or any name near Ali. :D
 
I don't say this to be alarmist-- when my relationship with a co-worker was discovered (we are both married, but are able to fraternize under our company's 'fraternization policy') we were both nearly fired because of the dissaproval of some key people in the office. The way it is, I lost any opportunity for a raise, and feel that my opportunities for growth at my office have all but disappeared.

Quoting my BF here, cause Im that coworker and I have another coworkers question. its not entirely along the lines of this original post, but it seemed like a good place to put it. So above Nudge is talking about us...things have settled down at the office and people are being OK...but Im about to bring on a new employee who will know nothing of this situation. The whole office knows about Nudge and I, but I dont think anyone would tell her. I dont keep our relationship a 'secret' but I dont want this new person to see how much Im with Nudge (or really our general attraction to each other thats just easy to pick up on even if we arent DOING anything) and asusme that we are cheating. I cant exactly just TELL her either. Advice? Its just none of her business and let it lay?
 
I set up an OKCupid profile yesterday. I've never tried meeting someone online before, so it seems really sketchy to me and it makes me feel fairly anxious. That said, I'm willing to give it a go. I've had a ton of messages and while that is somewhat flattering, they've already got me discouraged.

SO many are from guys who don't match up with the open relationship idea but yet who are contacting me. When I message back to say I'm not interested, I get back garbage about how they weren't looking for a long-term thing (though that's what I said I wanted) and they'd be willing to pay for a hotel. They're really blunt, obnoxious and demeaning. Hey, I might be poly but that doesn't mean I'm promiscuous, much less wanting to bang self-entitled jerkfaces.

My question is - how can I tweak my profile to get a better caliber of responses? I did have one really good chat session with someone yesterday, but they live so far away! I'd link to my profile, but I'm not sure if that is allowed here. Any help would be appreciated.

If no one has already mentioned it, I would highly recommend answering as many questions that are important to YOU as you can and marking them as so.~ You're match % and your enemy % will become more accurate so you can get a better idea of who you will most likely get along with and who you will most likely NOT get along with.~

For example,

"(Question) Would you consider having an open relationship (i.e., one where you can see other people)?

(Answers)

Yes

No

(Importance)

This question is:

Irrelevant
A little important
Somewhat important
Very important
Mandatory

Explain your answer: "

Although this question is a very vague one since it does not define the specifics of what an "open" relationship means. So what do we do with such vague questions?~ We can add an explanation!~

Underneath every question ever on OkCupid you will find a "box" under "Explain your answer:" this is where where you can get more specific and maybe describe how you like things FOR YOU!~ ^_^

For example, this is my answer and explanation to this question:

"(Question) Would you consider having an open relationship (i.e., one where you can see other people)?

(Answers)

Yes

(Importance)

Mandatory

Explanation:

Depends on the specifics, I'm not interested in relationships without love.~"


I love OkCupid and I think it's system is wonderful!~ ^_^

ColorsWolf


EDIT: Sorry, just got to your last post.~ I'm so happy for you!~ ^_^~ Still this information could be useful to MANY MANY people!~ ^_^ :) I really do prefer OkCupid over any other dating websites I have ever been on, especially PlentyOfFish <-worst-dating-site-ever, no system whatsoever and everyone there is SO shallow you would NOT believe it!~

OkCupid is the only dating website I have come across that has some kind of system where you have some degree if not full control over it!~ ^_^

As far as the unwanted sexual invitations go: I usually try to spark a conversation with them about anything that pops into my head and it isn't long before they say they are no longer interested and I say, "Ok! I wish you a wonderful life with lots of happiness and love in it! ^_^" Usually people like that don't seem to be capable of saying more than a handful of words in horrible spelling.~ :)
 
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I agree with ColorsWolf completely.

Answering many questions (several hundred minimum) and weighting the important answers as Mandatory are really important to making the site work for you.

OKC is probably the best site I've ever used (but I'd still recommend Meetups over it).
 
Strangely enough the person who I met on there and I had an extremely low comparability percentage and its worked out very well. The opposites attract type of thing.
 
I have an OKCupid profile. I haven't checked it in ages because I'm not sure yet if my relationship is completely ready for another person, even though I feel like I am ready for one.

So I just don't fall into temptation.
 
online dating advice needed

I'm trying online dating for the first time in my life, and I need a little help with "netiquette." Some is generic to any online daters, but for numbers 3 and 4 I need people on this board specifically:

1) How long do you message someone online before it should move into telephone/skyping/meeting depending on which you prefer?

2) If you are not particularly physically attracted to someone's pictures, but not repulsed, is it worth it to meet in person? She would be driving for a few hours to meet with me, so I'd hate to have her come and then I'm blasé about her. I have no intention of getting with anyone unless I'm feeling Passion with a capital "P."

3) My profile explains I'm married, husband knows I date outside the marriage, but he will not be involved. The woman I'm talking to has a long-distance boyfriend who allows her to date women. By about our fourth message, I decided to give her the gritty details of my level of experience in bisexuality/non-monogamy, and my current arrangement with my husband. I wanted to make sure the situation was acceptable to her so there'd be no misaligned expectations. I asked for details about her level of experience with women and open relationships. Now I'm wondering if I should have waited to discuss all that until AFTER we were fairly certain there was an attraction. I'm worried that saying so much so soon projected a level of intention I don't necessarily feel (like I'm definitely wanting to have relations with this woman.) Thoughts?

4) I don't want to lie on my profiles. But I feel embarrassed putting my own income, which isn't much, so I put my household income instead, which relies on my husband's salary. Without him, I'd be near poverty level. I love the work I do, but it's not a big money maker and comes with zero benefits. So...my salary or my household salary? Remember, these women are dating me only. Husband will have no involvement (his choice.)
 
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I'm trying online dating for the first time in my life, and I need a little help with "netiquette." Some is generic to any online daters, but for numbers 3 and 4 I need people on this board specifically:

1) How long do you message someone online before it should move into telephone/skyping/meeting depending on which you prefer?

2) If you are not particularly physically attracted to someone's pictures, but not repulsed, is it worth it to meet in person? She would be driving for a few hours to meet with me, so I'd hate to have her come and then I'm blasé about her. I have no intention of getting with anyone unless I'm feeling Passion with a capital "P."

3) My profile explains I'm married, husband knows I date outside the marriage, but he will not be involved. The woman I'm talking to has a long-distance boyfriend who allows her to date women. By about our fourth message, I decided to give her the gritty details of my level of experience in bisexuality/non-monogamy, and my current arrangement with my husband. I wanted to make sure the situation was acceptable to her so there'd be no misaligned expectations. I asked for details about her level of experience with women and open relationships. Now I'm wondering if I should have waited to discuss all that until AFTER we were fairly certain there was an attraction. I'm worried that saying so much so soon projected a level of intention I don't necessarily feel (like I'm definitely wanting to have relations with this woman.) Thoughts?

4) I don't want to lie on my profiles. But I feel embarrassed putting my own income, which isn't much, so I put my household income instead, which relies on my husband's salary. Without him, I'd be near poverty level. I love the work I do, but it's not a big money maker and comes with zero benefits. So...my salary or my household salary? Remember, these women are dating me only. Husband will have no involvement (his choice.)

Is it really necessary to put your salary of any kind on your profile?

I've never heard/seen of anyone doing that and it doesn't strike me as being particularly important when you're dating. I certainly wouldn't put that so publicly.
 
OkCupid asks for it, I think others too. I'm not just sticking it in my profile randomly. I'm sure its important to some people--they want to know you will be able to go the places they go and afford it, they want to know you won't show up on their doorstep broke, dirty and hungry, etc....
 
Wow, UK dating sites don't have a part for income/salary. The general view is that your finances are no-one elses business and people tend to not nose into that. There's the underlying assumption, I guess, that an adult on a dating site can pay for things.

Perhaps America has a different view?

But I still think no-one needs to know and people can easily inflate their finances anyway, so it becomes pointless posturing.
 
1) I have been know to email in the morning and meet the same day. Did it 2 weeks ago actually. The longest I would go is about 1 month, if we can't match up schedules in that time then it is probably not going to happen. It took a month to meet Prof as he was traveling for work. Yo about 3 weeks and Kip a week.
2) The pictures, tricky question. Prof looks nothing like his pics, Kip's pic was 6 years old. I didn't think much of Yo's pics at all but met him cause he seemed on the same humor wavelength. None of them had a mustache, I wouldn't meet someone with a mustache or beard. Passion can take a while to develop, I wouldn't count someone out after the first meeting if I didn't want to jump their bones then and there.
3) I am slow at giving out too much personal info for the reasons you describe, but it is a case-by-case thing.
4) You can leave the income section blank. Income is not as important as actually having a job too me. I supported my unemployed-by-choice ex for years. I am done with that!
 
Most (if not all) of the OKC profile questions are optional. Just don't choose anything, and it will show up as a " - ". I never put my salary there. I think the info about salary is mostly useful to people who want to find a marriage partner. For poly people who are already married or people don't intend to marry at all, it's not really important.
 
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1) I waited about a week on each of the 2 guys I was seriously messaging with on OKC before meeting them in person.

2) I was not at all attracted to my boyfriend's pictures. In fact, I didn't message him because of them. However, he messaged me and we had such a good conversation - like 60 emails in a week - I decided I would meet him. He was cuter in person. I did not have an instant spark, but I liked him well enough to say yes to a second date. On the 2nd date, I was struck by lightning and thought he was the best thing ever. My first OKC guy, we went on 2 dates total, and I never felt a spark, but I would have given him a 3rd date if my boyfriend and I hadn't exploded with lust for each other. :)

3) eh. This is up to you, and varies by situation. The first OKC guy, he had asked questions about the type of poly I was searching for, but we didn't get deep into specifics until we were actually on our first date. With my boyfriend, we talked about everything prior to meeting, because well, we just did. And as I said earlier, I wasn't sure if I would even find him physically attractive initially. But, that's where our conversation went, so all of it was covered.

4) I don't think I put anything down for income. I certainly don't care about the guy's income. I say I am a trophy wife and don't work, and I am not looking for someone to support me, since I have that already. :)
 
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