Hello all!
This is my first post and I apologize ahead of time because it is a long one. Please bear with me though because I really need your advice.
My husband and I started talking about polyamory 6 months ago. It was fun to talk about and we decided to try it out.
I felt and communicated that we should start slow, I needed to see how my feelings around all this would be. We had great open and honest communication though there were some disagreements and discussions. We seemed to have worked those all out.
My husband works out of town once a month for a week or more. I am often completely responsible for our daughters health and well being (she's 5). It can wear on me and I have lately been feeling like a boring old mom.
We started with him getting a hand job after a massage (this is Thailand). I cried when he first told me, but then it turned me on and it strengthened our relationship and we discussed now going further.
Then we both had sex with another woman (not the first time we have done this in our 12 year marriage).
I was happy, we were communicating and discussing what the next level was. I admit that my insecurities made me wishy washy on this. Sometimes I would say we should find other partners and be free and other times I would feel really insecure in my life and say I needed us to wait. This was totally not as a means to confuse or control, it was honestly fear reactions. And also that I felt stuck at home with the kid while he got to sow his wild oats. Yep, even writing that I feel like a jealous immature teenager. But it's my honest feelings. I wanted to be included.
So in order to wrap my head around the inclusion, I asked (did not demand) that my husband text/call me if he was in a situation where something might happen with someone else while he was away. I wanted to know that he was still thinking of me and I was still important. He agreed.
A few days ago, he was leaving for another trip. We talked again and I said, I am feeling really bad about my life right now, feel very stuck here while he gets to go have fun on business trips, and I asked him to wait to do anything further with the polyamory until I could get my head right. He said ok, he was satiated with our sex life, and wouldn't do anything.
2 days later, he called me in the morning saying he brought a girl to his hotel room and proceeded to have a long connecting meaningful (his words) conversation with the girl and then do everything with her besides penetration.
No call or text. But he says that I was on his mind the whole time and that I would like her and that he was hoping she could be our unicorn.
I have to say I am really bummed with how I feel and have reacted. I feel betrayed and like he cheated on me. I feel like I was unheard and that he picked and chose what he wanted to understand about my feelings and needs to work for his pleasure. I feel like he lied to me when he said he wouldn't and then he did.
He says that he felt like I said he could before that last conversation we had left for his trip where I stated I was unsure about us proceeding and that he did this thinking it would draw us closer.
Im jealous. Jealous that he had the opportunity and that he was able to have someone to spend time with him while I was home watching our child.
I'm angry because I feel unheard and like he doesn't care about my needs.
I have read on polyamory sites that we should not make demands or rules for these or any types of relationships. I feel that my asking him to call or text and then asking him to wait were simply me letting him know my needs, not trying to control the situation but more to let him know what my needs were at that moment.
Did I do this wrong? How should I proceed? I can barely look at him and just feel so much anger and sadness. I feel like he took advantage of the situation and didn't think about me. I have told him all this and he is surprised and feels horrible that I am so hurt. He really did think that he had the green light.
So apparently our great communication was not as good as we thought. I know I wasn't clear enough and consistent enough.
Is there any way that you could advise me to proceed with this? What I want to do is go out and fuck someone just to get back at him. Which is stupid and will only make this worse.
Any advise on how to process this and plan better with this lifestyle to make sure that nobody gets hurt. Or does this mean that we should just stop this now and forgot that polyamory exists? I would rather not. We are separated for so many days a month, I would love to have a true companion here. Obviously I am confused.
If you made it here, thank you for taking your time to read this and please help me.
This is my first post and I apologize ahead of time because it is a long one. Please bear with me though because I really need your advice.
My husband and I started talking about polyamory 6 months ago. It was fun to talk about and we decided to try it out.
I felt and communicated that we should start slow, I needed to see how my feelings around all this would be. We had great open and honest communication though there were some disagreements and discussions. We seemed to have worked those all out.
My husband works out of town once a month for a week or more. I am often completely responsible for our daughters health and well being (she's 5). It can wear on me and I have lately been feeling like a boring old mom.
We started with him getting a hand job after a massage (this is Thailand). I cried when he first told me, but then it turned me on and it strengthened our relationship and we discussed now going further.
Then we both had sex with another woman (not the first time we have done this in our 12 year marriage).
I was happy, we were communicating and discussing what the next level was. I admit that my insecurities made me wishy washy on this. Sometimes I would say we should find other partners and be free and other times I would feel really insecure in my life and say I needed us to wait. This was totally not as a means to confuse or control, it was honestly fear reactions. And also that I felt stuck at home with the kid while he got to sow his wild oats. Yep, even writing that I feel like a jealous immature teenager. But it's my honest feelings. I wanted to be included.
So in order to wrap my head around the inclusion, I asked (did not demand) that my husband text/call me if he was in a situation where something might happen with someone else while he was away. I wanted to know that he was still thinking of me and I was still important. He agreed.
A few days ago, he was leaving for another trip. We talked again and I said, I am feeling really bad about my life right now, feel very stuck here while he gets to go have fun on business trips, and I asked him to wait to do anything further with the polyamory until I could get my head right. He said ok, he was satiated with our sex life, and wouldn't do anything.
2 days later, he called me in the morning saying he brought a girl to his hotel room and proceeded to have a long connecting meaningful (his words) conversation with the girl and then do everything with her besides penetration.
No call or text. But he says that I was on his mind the whole time and that I would like her and that he was hoping she could be our unicorn.
I have to say I am really bummed with how I feel and have reacted. I feel betrayed and like he cheated on me. I feel like I was unheard and that he picked and chose what he wanted to understand about my feelings and needs to work for his pleasure. I feel like he lied to me when he said he wouldn't and then he did.
He says that he felt like I said he could before that last conversation we had left for his trip where I stated I was unsure about us proceeding and that he did this thinking it would draw us closer.
Im jealous. Jealous that he had the opportunity and that he was able to have someone to spend time with him while I was home watching our child.
I'm angry because I feel unheard and like he doesn't care about my needs.
I have read on polyamory sites that we should not make demands or rules for these or any types of relationships. I feel that my asking him to call or text and then asking him to wait were simply me letting him know my needs, not trying to control the situation but more to let him know what my needs were at that moment.
Did I do this wrong? How should I proceed? I can barely look at him and just feel so much anger and sadness. I feel like he took advantage of the situation and didn't think about me. I have told him all this and he is surprised and feels horrible that I am so hurt. He really did think that he had the green light.
So apparently our great communication was not as good as we thought. I know I wasn't clear enough and consistent enough.
Is there any way that you could advise me to proceed with this? What I want to do is go out and fuck someone just to get back at him. Which is stupid and will only make this worse.
Any advise on how to process this and plan better with this lifestyle to make sure that nobody gets hurt. Or does this mean that we should just stop this now and forgot that polyamory exists? I would rather not. We are separated for so many days a month, I would love to have a true companion here. Obviously I am confused.
If you made it here, thank you for taking your time to read this and please help me.