Newbie needs help

Jennybean

New member
Hello all!
This is my first post and I apologize ahead of time because it is a long one. Please bear with me though because I really need your advice.
My husband and I started talking about polyamory 6 months ago. It was fun to talk about and we decided to try it out.
I felt and communicated that we should start slow, I needed to see how my feelings around all this would be. We had great open and honest communication though there were some disagreements and discussions. We seemed to have worked those all out.
My husband works out of town once a month for a week or more. I am often completely responsible for our daughters health and well being (she's 5). It can wear on me and I have lately been feeling like a boring old mom.
We started with him getting a hand job after a massage (this is Thailand). I cried when he first told me, but then it turned me on and it strengthened our relationship and we discussed now going further.
Then we both had sex with another woman (not the first time we have done this in our 12 year marriage).
I was happy, we were communicating and discussing what the next level was. I admit that my insecurities made me wishy washy on this. Sometimes I would say we should find other partners and be free and other times I would feel really insecure in my life and say I needed us to wait. This was totally not as a means to confuse or control, it was honestly fear reactions. And also that I felt stuck at home with the kid while he got to sow his wild oats. Yep, even writing that I feel like a jealous immature teenager. But it's my honest feelings. I wanted to be included.
So in order to wrap my head around the inclusion, I asked (did not demand) that my husband text/call me if he was in a situation where something might happen with someone else while he was away. I wanted to know that he was still thinking of me and I was still important. He agreed.
A few days ago, he was leaving for another trip. We talked again and I said, I am feeling really bad about my life right now, feel very stuck here while he gets to go have fun on business trips, and I asked him to wait to do anything further with the polyamory until I could get my head right. He said ok, he was satiated with our sex life, and wouldn't do anything.
2 days later, he called me in the morning saying he brought a girl to his hotel room and proceeded to have a long connecting meaningful (his words) conversation with the girl and then do everything with her besides penetration.
No call or text. But he says that I was on his mind the whole time and that I would like her and that he was hoping she could be our unicorn.
I have to say I am really bummed with how I feel and have reacted. I feel betrayed and like he cheated on me. I feel like I was unheard and that he picked and chose what he wanted to understand about my feelings and needs to work for his pleasure. I feel like he lied to me when he said he wouldn't and then he did.
He says that he felt like I said he could before that last conversation we had left for his trip where I stated I was unsure about us proceeding and that he did this thinking it would draw us closer.
Im jealous. Jealous that he had the opportunity and that he was able to have someone to spend time with him while I was home watching our child.
I'm angry because I feel unheard and like he doesn't care about my needs.
I have read on polyamory sites that we should not make demands or rules for these or any types of relationships. I feel that my asking him to call or text and then asking him to wait were simply me letting him know my needs, not trying to control the situation but more to let him know what my needs were at that moment.
Did I do this wrong? How should I proceed? I can barely look at him and just feel so much anger and sadness. I feel like he took advantage of the situation and didn't think about me. I have told him all this and he is surprised and feels horrible that I am so hurt. He really did think that he had the green light.
So apparently our great communication was not as good as we thought. I know I wasn't clear enough and consistent enough.
Is there any way that you could advise me to proceed with this? What I want to do is go out and fuck someone just to get back at him. Which is stupid and will only make this worse.
Any advise on how to process this and plan better with this lifestyle to make sure that nobody gets hurt. Or does this mean that we should just stop this now and forgot that polyamory exists? I would rather not. We are separated for so many days a month, I would love to have a true companion here. Obviously I am confused.
If you made it here, thank you for taking your time to read this and please help me.
 
Many issues here. Focusing on one key one, because it could be a game changer.

Your jealousy issues seem to be with the husband and not any potential partner. In the sense you want some action too like he does. And less about how could he touch someone else.

I sense that it may be worth focusing on what possibilities are there for you. Maybe you don't get to travel on work for a week (where you'd have your evenings to yourself in a hotel room), but surely there is some scope for you to have a private life as well? And by private I mean here a life that is yours and not entangled with the home and child. Right now you seem to be feeling more upset that the opening up of your marriage seems to not have resulted in any major difference for you.

You could speak with your husband about this. Date people you are interested in if the situation allows. Arrange for your husband to manage your daughter and home when you are on a date. And so on. It could start small and perhaps not even romantic if that is an unresolved area for you - going out to watch a film with a male friend you like. Which is a perfectly platonic thing to do, but at the same time gives you a vague idea for whether this is something you'd enjoy if it were more with a person you could do more with.

It will also let you reach crucial clarity in your own mind as to what it is exactly that you are seeking.

However, in the meanwhile, it would most certainly be wise to try and put the brakes on a bit till you figure out how BOTH of you can get what you want from how you are proceeding. Obviously, no one can guarantee dates for you, but other things like the possibility scheduling time free of domestic responsibilities for having a date. It may also be wise to embark on a time bound trial period to assess instead of deciding on opening up, then panicking and closing, and so on. Otherwise, the person for whom the opening up worked - your husband at the moment, could be you another time - may grudge the other person for changing the rules on them. If the rules are clear that it is a time bound "trial" so to say, everything is upfront and if either of you can't cope, it is over at the end of the period by default.

Though I don't know if it is really possible to put the genie back in the bottle if one of you really enjoys it.
 
Napier wayland

Thank you so much Anamikanon.This information is so helpful. I am going to definitely do some hard thinking, research, And reading. Just putting this out there and having someone experienced in this listen and advise me has already helped me.
Thank you again!
 
Did I do this wrong? How should I proceed? I can barely look at him and just feel so much anger and sadness. I feel like he took advantage of the situation and didn't think about me. I have told him all this and he is surprised and feels horrible that I am so hurt. He really did think that he had the green light.

Hi Jenny, I think it's normal to feel hurt when a partner crosses a boundary we set. In our eyes, the boundary is there because we need a sense of security. Crossing that boundary tells us that our partner cares less for us than they do about their new shiny romance. However, from our partner's point of view, they often feel very secure with us and cannot see why we are feeling so insecure. The very fact that they feel so secure, combined with the happy feelings from a new romance is the very reason why they feel the boundary is not as important to them as it is to us, I think.

He stuffed up. At this point in time, I have no idea if he feels he did something wrong with the boundary, but he does feel terrible that you're hurting right now. My situation's not the same as yours, but I went through something similar with my partner's NRE bending and creeping around every boundary that we had set in place.

I have read on polyamory sites that we should not make demands or rules for these or any types of relationships.

I have found that much of the advice on polyamory sites is very idealistic. There is a saying that the advice on how to do polyamory tends to set a norm for polyamory and that this can be problematic. The link has a link to an article that explores this, but I find the wording there confusing. I'll try to summarise the problem with polynormativity here and hope you can see how it applies to your situation. Bear in mind please, that I'm new to polyamory and others are likely to correct me a little here and there if I make a mistake.

Polynormativity, as I understand it, is the normal way to do polyamory as it is described in many polyamory books and literature. "More than two" is a great example of a fantastic, healthy way to do polynormative polyamory. But I feel it describes an ideal philosophy to attain 10 years down the poly track. It is hard for a previously monogamous couple to, as you put it, "not make demands or rules". Put in its most basic form, a monogamous couple transitioning to polyamory will still bring with them some monogamous rules. This will most likely centre around couple privilege or hierarchy with primaries and secondaries. These priveliges suck for the 3rd person entering the relationship and is generally frowned upon in polynormative circles. However, it can be difficult going from a long term monogamy straight to a non hierarchical form of polyamory - the transition is too big.

So to summarise your concerns in the quote above, you can certainly aim for less rules and less boundaries as you do more and more poly, but everyone who starts their poly journey from a stable monogamous relationship will have rules and boundaries.

That's the way I see a long term monogamous relationship transitioning to polyamory anyway. Like I said, I don't really have the experience to know how correct I am, but it makes sense to me. So please don't beat yourself up about it. Also, please don't blame your partner for what they've done. You're both experimenting with your relationship, trying to find a new relationship style that can work for you with no real road map to guide you on how to do this. As a couple, you're bound to make mistakes, but I hope you can both see that you both really do still love each other. You're in a transition stage from monogamy to polyamory, your rules will be neither fully polyamorous nor fully monogamous. It's going to be confusing. Just remember, you're each doing this and wanting to stay together because you love each other and your child.

Hope some of what I said helps. Good luck Jenny,
Shaya.
 
Hi Jennybean,

I am sorry to hear about the difficulty you have encountered with respect to polyamory and your husband. It's apparent to me that you still love your husband, in spite of his infraction against you and what he agreed to do. Hopefully it is just a misunderstanding, in which case better communication will help prevent that SNAFU next time. Right now you have to decide if you can trust your husband. Can you trust him to watch after your daughter while you go out on a date? Something to consider.

I hope all the posts here have been helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks to you all and an update

Thanks all for the replies. One thing I can say for all of this situation, is that this has truly made my husband and I communicate better than we ever have. We have started to read 'More than Two' together and have been scouring the forums here for more information and help.
We have sat and made real strides in our relationship, so if this is where polyamory has led us so far, I am grateful for it.
I still am struggling with my feelings of hurt and jealousy, but I know that my husband really did have the best of intentions and truly never meant to hurt me and wants me to be happy.
We both now fully understand that we are wholly together but do not own each other. We are individuals who want to have fun together, but when we cannot be together we still want our partner to have fun without us.
We are still talking about this and have placed a hold on any physical touch for now with people while we are separated from each other. Probably just until we really work through our needs and our feelings about everything. We both want to truly understand our desires and polyamory in itself before we take the next step beyond platonic secondaries.
So again, thank you everyone. Your kind words and advice helped a lot.
 
Sounds like things are going better; that's good to hear.
 
No call or text. But he says that I was on his mind the whole time and that I would like her and that he was hoping she could be our unicorn.

This really stood out to me, and not in a positive way. For me, that type of statement seems to relegate the person to a role that is pre-defined for them without their input, knowing anything about them or considering their needs in a relationship. I would encourage your husband to learn more about the concepts (which sounds like you both are and that's a good thing).

In general, being a 'unicorn' ends up being damaging to that person. Better to open yourself up to poly with the concept that you're open to meeting people, opening to another relationship coming along and open to letting those relationships grow and develop in whatever form they may, without preconceived ideas of what they should be.

Or at least, most definitely I would shy away from the 'unicorn' concept.

Otherwise, I like everyone else's advice, and I'm glad to hear you both are reading more and communicating more. Remember, boundaries are what YOU find acceptable for YOU. Rules are placing restrictions on other people to make yourself feel better.

Asking for open honest communication isn't saying he can't do xyz with person A. It's setting up what makes you feel comfortable. And it can be negotiated to work for both people.
 
To free yourself up to date, you could of course have your husband watch the kid when he is home and you want to go out. But also consider hiring a sitter while he is gone, at least once. You could either go on a date (might try OK Cupid), or just do something nice for yourself. Either at night for a date, or during the day. Go to a book store, get a mani/pedi if you like foot massage, go out with friends, etc., etc.

I know full well how we moms can get isolated when the kids are young and demanding. I had 3 kids in 5 years. I was very envious that my ex h got to go out to work every day and interact with adults and have a nice Thai lunch with mai tais, sometimes, even! He didn't understand.

Good luck!
 
I agree with Shaya, as also a newbie who transitioned from mono to poly with my husband. When the transition starts, rules are going to be there. Sometimes they're very bold rules others are not. As Shaya said, rules are there to make up feel way more comfortable. It's like having a a hot shower, you don't start with it on the hottest temperature, you ease up to the hottest temperature.

My husband, when he had a good case of NRE broke similar boundaries. I wanted him to check in, once, at some point on the date (let me know he got there, or when he was leaving; and to be home on time (a time he picked the time to be home by). He did neither of those things. And I was hella hurt. I honestly cried about it. We had an amazing talk and he REALLY heard my feelings and insecurities and has taken them to heart. He also did some more reading because he saw that actions with breaking a boundary have a negative consequence. He asked both me and my meta for help being a hinge and it really helped her and I become closer which helped with any negative feelings I had
Looking back now even two weeks later, my reaction was too much. And I shouldn't have freaked like I did.

You are allowed to be hurt by him breaking a boundary. And you are allowed to share that emotional outcome with him. At the same time, we are responsible for how we manage our reactions to things.

I also agree that you need to get out and have some fun. See if your area has a polyam community, join OKC and flirt (it helps). I've met a few polyam people around me who are married with kids too! So no worries about having people not understand what being a parent is like.
 
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