New to poly, meeting his wife tonight!

rottendaughter

New member
Hello! I've recently started dating a poly guy, I have no issues at all with the lifestyle. Taking to it quite naturally actually. Tonight I am meeting his wife for the first time! Very nervous and a little excited! She does have veto rights, and that worries me. Not that I think she will use them. I figure he wouldn't allow us to get this far I he felt she wouldn't like me.
Any advice??
 
No advice here, since I will absolutely not date anyone who allows a partner to veto another, but just wanted to wish you luck.

Oh, and maybe I do have some advice... be yourself. Don't try to impress - if you're nervous, it's okay to say so. And let them do most of the talking. This is a good opportunity for you to observe how they relate and interact with each other, and hopefully you will gain some insight into how he handles his relationships with women, especially one whom he is letting call the shots for a relationship she isn't in.
 
No informed advice to offer, as I'm sort of on the other side of your exact situation right now: my wife will be meeting my most-significant outside partner next week, if plans come off. So I'm sort of able to channel what she's said she hopes for out of that meeting to you:

She definitely doesn't want to feel she's "competing" with him right there over dinner, so any overtly flirty stuff from him would spark her the wrong way.

She does want to get to know him, a bit, without me being an overly-active mediator, so I've promised to try to let their conversation take its natural course without attempting to be a go-between. I think for you that translates to: try to talk to her as directly as possible, not talk to her through him.

She'll appreciate any PDA between me and him being kept to a publically-appropriate minimum, e.g. a strong hug at greeting and parting.

She did say to me with a smile, "You're sitting on the same side of the table as I am, and he'll be across from us." :)

Good luck--I think just being yourself and signaling to her that you're not a threat to their relationship are the key objectives. Have fun!
 
Back now. I really couldn't read her. At times we seemed to be doing very well, then others seemed like she could care less. It ended very abruptly, her saying "I'll let you two say good bye" then walking off. I had to yell "nice meeting you!" To her back as she walked away. I didn't get to say thanks either.
On top of that he wasnt able to get a read on her either! I asked him how he thought it went and he said he didn't know. His lack of confidence scares me.
So now I'm home, more nervous now than I was before.
I don't agree with the veto right either, but I respect their agreement to have it. All I want is the chance for us to keep developing naturally as we have been doing.
 
I don't agree with the veto right either, but I respect their agreement to have it. All I want is the chance for us to keep developing naturally as we have been doing.

But a relationship can't develop naturally with a veto hanging over it.

Well, anyway, it sounds like it was perhaps very awkward for all of you. I hope things go well.
 
But a relationship can't develop naturally with a veto hanging over it.

I can see that. How can you let yourself really completely fall for someone if you know at any moment an outside party can just cut it off?
Up until tonight it hasn't been discussed really. She's known about me since day one. Shouldn't she have vetoed then? Before we both developed actual feelings? Seems like If you're going to have veto power, that would be the humane thing to do. If she says no now, she hurts us both.
 
Keep in mind that she's not the only one with a veto. You have one as well over your own relationship with him, and whether you want to be part of it. If you don't like having the sword of Damocles hanging over you, then there is the option to move away from the situation.

It may be worth discussing what if any thought they've given to their veto arrangement, including whether they have a sunset clause, where after a certain amount of time in a given relationship, the veto is no longer a viable solution. It may not assist much with your current situation, or this partner in the short term, but it'll be a handy clarification to make should you find yourself in similar situations in the future.
 
"I'll let you two say good bye" then walking off. I had to yell "nice meeting you!" To her back as she walked away. I didn't get to say thanks either.

Yikes. That is a pretty sour encounter.

I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone while some outside party could tell them to dump me... that sounds awful and belittling. It also wouldn't turn me on very much to date someone who allows their partner to tell them what to do like that lol.

Have you spoken frankly with him about this veto bullshit? You don't sound like you're thrilled to have it hanging over your head so I suggest you get out in front of it. Good luck!
 
What Marcus said...

If it was me I would not get involved with this potential nightmare. How can you develop a relationship with the sword of damocles hanging over your head.
 
Sorry to hear it didn't go well; it does sound like there were some awkward dynamics in play, maybe for all of you.

So much of it depends on what everyone's expectations are about being poly in general, being involved with someone who is, and what the intent of the meeting was for. If you and she (and maybe he) both felt that she was there to "interview" you and decide if she wanted to exercise her veto, then, yeah: that's a tough current to swim against, even if she decided not to.

I hope you're not feeling too down about it and at least can find some time to process the encounter with him.

I do just want to add: not everyone's definition of (or need for) a "veto" is the same. While I understand why many wouldn't want to be involved at all with anyone whose partner had some kind of veto, I don't think the existence of that agreement between two partners should necessarily be viewed as a negative in and of itself. It all comes down to what everyone directly involved finds they can be comfortable with.
 
Could you ask if veto has been employed before and under what circumstances?
 
Sorry to hear that it went poorly :c. I just wanted to throw in my two cents, seeing as I've been in a position similar to that of his wife. My partner was really pressuring me to meet the girl he was seeing, he was doing so under what he thought was the best intentions. This was my first experience with poly so I was still trying to process everything. I heard A LOT about how much the two of us would get along.

But the fact was that I agreed to meet her for HIM and I was not ready for it. I was polite but the fact was that regardless of how nice she was I had been pressured into meeting her. You're partner's wife may have been feeling the same thing.

Meeting your husbands "other", if you'll forgive the term is always hard the first time. I don't mean to excuse her for being rude to you, and I don't know at all if she was actually feeling this was but it's something to think about.
 
Meeting your husbands "other", if you'll forgive the term is always hard the first time. I don't mean to excuse her for being rude to you, and I don't know at all if she was actually feeling this was but it's something to think about.

I had considered discussing the possible reasons that she seemed rude.

Some people just take a while to warm up
Maybe it wasn't her idea to have this meeting and was just dragged there
Something might have just happened in her life to put her in a stand-off mood
Maybe she just doesn't like you​

My most recent poly relationship with IV, when I met her boyfriend CV it was not a warm encounter. He was hanging out with a new girlfriend, they were just sitting down to a snack, and he was CLEARLY not interested in meeting me even though IV was excited for it. I figured it was mainly because he was just busy, plus IV had already warned me that he warms slowly... so I didn't worry about it much. I figured we'd either hit it off over time or we wouldn't hang out together.

BUT I didn't address the reasons her meeting with the wife might have been sour is because that all takes a back seat when this kind of lopsided power dynamic is present. CV was just my metamour and had no say in the pace or existence of my relationship with IV. While I'm sure some people build guidelines around how and when a VETO is used... it's either VETO power or it isn't. That kind of power struggle being present makes a sour meeting like the OP with her metamour something disturbing.
 
I recommend a round table so there is no power imbalance!

:) We'll try for one, yes. But can't remember if they're an option at the pace we're going--I don't think so. Both my wife and he have said they really couldn't care less about the protocols at that level; it's just my own nerves talking and focusing on such things, as I feel "responsible" for making sure they're each as comfortable as possible....
 
All I can say is proceed with caution. I got weird/mixed signals from the wife right from the beginning....and now we are all miserable. If I could take it all back, I would. I want a partner with a spouse I can at least be cordial with, but even better be friends. (like my partners are)
 
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