wife has left me for her boyfriend

zappafreak

New member
My wife of 15 years started dating a guy about 5 weeks ago. He was very good for her in many ways, and I was happy for her, but then she started seeing him a lot. We talked about scheduling, and I thought we had things under control, but she just kept pushing boundaries. The main reason for the scheduling is that we have an 8yr old daughter and I felt that she wasn't getting enough family time.

I travel quite a lot for work, and last week when I was out of town... she had told me she wouldn't see him more than a few times. I was getting concerned as she seemed to be getting completely lost in him. Our communication while I was gone was dropping off, normally she would talk to me quite a lot through text and all, but it turned out she spent 4 days in a row with him. I was upset by this, because she was losing her focus on us...and on the 4th day (I was still out of town), when I pressed her on the situation, I get this text...

I still love you and I want us to stay best friends, but I don't think I want you to be my husband any more.

This was just over a week ago (actually Father's Day, nice touch). I have been struggling with this in a big way for the last week, trying very hard to get her to consider working on our marriage...but she has been adamant that this is what she needs. I tried to get her to consider that she was being swept up in NRE and this isn't the right choice...but she is sure that she is doing what is right for her.

She just moved out of the house 2 days ago, and the very first day she is introducing the new man to her family. I feel very left behind and replaced, and quite frankly...rather depressed about the whole thing. I am finally accepting that this is happening, and now I am learning how to deal with it.

My wife has told me that she decided she didn't want to be poly because she found such a fulfilling relationship with one person. My wife and I were certainly not perfect together, but we were far from bad.. and the love we shared with our daughter was very close and bonding for us. The main thing that drew us apart was that she has had many health issues, and I am an active outdoors enthusiast. I was finding myself resentful about this a few years ago, but in becoming poly and reaching out to other partners I found a good balance in my life. I never wanted to leave my family, and was never looking to replace my wife...but I think in her mind she feels that she has found someone that loves her more than I have and that was a better thing for her. I was happy for her, but I was very surprised that she went this direction. My worst concern was that she might be spending more and more time with him and want me to become a secondary. .. and I didn't know if I would be OK with that. In the end, I felt like I would be accommodating for many different scenarios if we could keep the family together, but she just wasnt interested.

As you might imagine, this has left me with a bit of confusion. We got into poly as a way to round out our marriage. Now that this is coming to an end, it makes me question if poly is right for me. I still have a GF that I love very much, and she shares in my activities as well. She is married, so I have limited time with her. She believes that I should try and find a new primary partner, but she is concerned that I will have trouble dating if I have to tell potential partners that I am already seeing someone. Additionally, she is concerned about the dynamic changing and her becoming less important to me.

I am very broken up over what has happened to my family. I am also very fortunate to have such a kind an understanding GF that has been helping me through these tough times. I just am not sure where to go from here...

Feeling a bit lost and unsure about what is important to me in relationships at this point. I haven't questioned things before now... but with my wife no longer in the picture, is poly still right for me?
 
Wow....my heart goes out to you man. This is a very crushing situation. This could have happened to my husband and I, heres how it went down for us. I asked him to be poly, we actually werent doing that hot (i wont go into it) and I had strong feelings for a good friend of mine, but I did not want to leave my husband (my friend is married, hubs and I have kids). While hubs decided if he'd stay with me or not, because I told him i was poly with or without him and it wasnt fair to him for me to force mono, BF and i discussed exactly what you are saying with you and GF. If my husband had left, I would have wanted so much from BF because I didnt have a primary anymore, and he has a wife to support so he could only be 'so much' of a primary to me. I was terrified of trying to find a primary while also dating someone already.
Here are stories diverge, as i was lucky that my hubs decided to stay and I didnt have to go through that, but my point is I know what you are feeling.

As to your wife, it sounds to me like perhaps she was never poly in the first place? As much as I adore BF, i would not have left hubs for him except maybe at some of my lowest points but I was able to work through those 1)for my kids and 2)because BF was married. I also caqme to terms with the fact that mono just isnt for me.

SO how do you decide? Picture yourself when you were mono...or being mono with someone you deeply care about...and if you'd still feelign the urge for outside love/sex. I know i would. I also reccomend reading the book The Ethical Slut and checking out the website morethantwo.com
good luck, and I hope things turn out for the best for you
 
I think the meet your soulmate and go mono thing is a risk in all poly relationships. How big that risk is depends on the individual. For me, there is a high risk that a married man in an unfulfilled relationship who is trying to compensate for that lack of fulfilment by opening his relationship is high risk. This is following the logic that when he was happily married, he didn't need others, and if he becomes happy with me, he may expect monogamy. It's far easier not to have negative feelings about a partner you have dwindling affection for seeing other people. Anyway, it's a risk.

I don't think you should give up on polyamory because this happened to you. Just remember this risk I keep on about and assess potential partners for how likely they are to need monogamy in a serious relationship, or more importantly, need you to be monogamous, regardless of what they wish to do. I disagree with the idea of you not telling people about you being poly. I suggest you limit your dating pool to poly people. There is less chance of the risk coming back into play and more chance if you sustaining the relationship you have with your girlfriend. Have some time to heal and stabalise things and then join some dating sites and three like. There are poly people out there. You just have to hunt them down.
 
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We talked about scheduling, and I thought we had things under control, but she just kept pushing boundaries. The main reason for the scheduling is that we have an 8yr old daughter and I felt that she wasn't getting enough family time.

Your biggest concern over how much time she spends with this guy is how much time she's spending with your daughter? Do you feel like this is entirely honest?

I ask, because it sounds like total bullshit to me, and that you are trying to find an excuse for your attempt to control her actions.

I have been struggling with this in a big way for the last week, trying very hard to get her to consider working on our marriage...but she has been adamant that this is what she needs. I tried to get her to consider that she was being swept up in NRE and this isn't the right choice...but she is sure that she is doing what is right for her.

You don't know what the right choice is for her, or anyone who isn't you. From your perspective she may be making a mistake and you are certainly entitled to have an opinion, but it doesn't change the reality that she is the master of her own destiny (as you are yours).

Your job at this stage of the relationship is the same as it should have been every step of the way:

1. Take authority and responsibility for your feelings and actions
2. Know that *everyone* has sole authority over their own feelings and actions

That is the cold reality of it. You don't have any say over how much time your partner spends doing what, you have no say over how "deep" they get into someone else, you have exactly no say over anything about how they live their life. All you get to do is decide how to live yours.

I feel very left behind and replaced, and quite frankly...rather depressed about the whole thing. I am finally accepting that this is happening, and now I am learning how to deal with it.

Dude, you just got freaking dumped and you're feeling "rather" depressed? I know you are trying to be mature about all of this but my heart would be shattered into a thousand little shards if IV told me to screw. I'd do my best to recover gracefully and would hopefully pick myself up sooner rather than later, but that shit hurts!

That kind of loss sucks and I've never found anything to really fix it. Maintaining focus on reality and not over emotionalizing what is going on is certainly helpful - but that's easier said than done.

My worst concern was that she might be spending more and more time with him and want me to become a secondary. .. and I didn't know if I would be OK with that.

For the sake of your future relationships I would take a look at this if I were you. Being concerned about rank will only work in hierarchical relationship setups (primary/secondary). While this arrangement seems to be enough for some people I recommend avoiding this kind of power struggle with your loved ones.

You want rank, join the army; you want loving relationships, respect each others independence and be gracious for what you get.

We got into poly as a way to round out our marriage. Now that this is coming to an end, it makes me question if poly is right for me... but with my wife no longer in the picture, is poly still right for me?.

Reality check:

1. Breakups happen, that is just a fact of life. Breakups happen in monogamous relationships just like polyamorous ones (certainly in hierarchical poly setups).
2. Polyamory is not right for your ex
3. You are highly emotional at the moment; coming to major worldview decisions might be better left for a time when you have your rational mind about you. Concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other for now

I am very broken up over what has happened to my family. I am also very fortunate to have such a kind an understanding GF that has been helping me through these tough times. I just am not sure where to go from here...

Yes you are sir. I love me some polyamory...
 
She has only been with him 5 weeks she may be back.

Adding more people to a relationship already on shaky ground usually ends badly.
 
Marcus, you are just always all kids of awesome.

You should see his shrunken-head collection.

OP, your post made me feel like i was punched in the stomach. Getting dumped sucks; getting dumped the way she did it was one of the worst ways... Long distance in text message and the nerve to say she wants to be "best friends" in it? I can't figure out which is the insult and which is the injury. It must suck to be you right now. Real sorry. I don't think this is the time to "decide" if "poly is right" for you. I would be trying to wrap myself around regrouping what i have going on right now instead of wondering about the next thing or the rest of your life.
 
So sorry to hear this OP, it truly does suck and like others have said, perhaps now isn't the time to worry about being Poly, just take the time to recover. xx
 
She has only been with him 5 weeks she may be back.

Adding more people to a relationship already on shaky ground usually ends badly.

Agreed. the first time, before i realized i wanted to be poly ( i consider it as 'identifying' as poly, but thats just me) I DID leave my husband...for a few months, then we got back together. (thank god. hes awesome).
 
OP,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your post literally made me feel a little ill. I know you must be in a lot of pain right now. Try to hold off on any major decisions until you are more level headed.

The primary/secondary thing is not something I like to begin with, but in your case, I would just find it insulting.

Can you find a sitter for your daughter for a few days so that you can get your head straight. I am willing to bet that family she is suddenly showing the new bf off to will understand when you tell them you need some time.

How is she handling the new beau in relation to your daughter?

Also, it sounds like your gf is very sweet and understanding. If you are poly, you are poly. Unfortunately, it sounds like your wife is not. I would be prepared for how you will react if the new bf doesn't work out and she decides to come back.
 
Using poly

We got into poly as a way to round out our marriage.

This probably concerned me most. Using poly to "fix" a relationship, well, it might work, but not in any cases I've seen. I don't mean to blame you, but I'd hate you to get your heart broken again.
 
This probably concerned me most. Using poly to "fix" a relationship, well, it might work, but not in any cases I've seen. I don't mean to blame you, but I'd hate you to get your heart broken again.

I have to agree. in my case, amazingly, it did help heal our relationship...but i think that was a very rare instance. it didnt mend things by givign me or him an outlet we didnt have before (though it did that also) but by making us stronger and more connected as a couple, i can see it having the opposite effect. Also, my spouse got to know my bf well and theyve become friends, and im working on forging a relationship with his wife. i think everyone being able to play nice is a big deal
 
OP, I am really sorry that you are hurting. From what you said, you and your wife got in to poly as a way to "round out your marriage." Is it possible that she was unhappy with the marriage and used poly as a way to meet someone to replace you? I apologise if that sounds cold or hurts to even think about it. People do cling and hold on to relationships that they sometimes need to let go of, but they choose not to do so until they have someone else lined up.

If your wife comes back, would you really want to take her back?. At five weeks in, she is introducing this person to the family and all that. That is fine for her. My concern is your daughter. Is five weeks even long enough to obtain a background check on someone? I am not a fan of the whole NRE-is-why-I-left-my-spouse-and-broke-apart-my-family crap. No amount of great sex, lust, or so-called love is enough for me to put my children through a painful divorce and custody dispute. I do not think you were being unrealistic in wanting to insure that your child had enough time with mummy and daddy. If mummy was gone x amount of days out of the week and daddy was working and seeing the girlfriend when he was home, when did she have time to see both of you? Children needs should come first.

Are you poly? You may or may not be. I would not worry about that right now. Take some time to heal and wrap your head around all that has happened. Distance yourself from your wife and only deal with her when it comes to your child. Avoid saying anything negative about her in front of the child. Keep your emotions out of it if you have to see her. I wish I had more words of comfort, but nothing I say could possibly make you feel better. I truly am sorry, though. :(
 
I am sorry you are hurting. :(

BREATHE.

Could start from the first floor on up. Do your self care and take care of basics first -- get sleep, eats, take care of the kid.

Could work your way through Maslow needs one chunk at a time. You don't have to do them all in one go.

While I don't agree "sex" is a basic first floor thing, could still start with the other first floor basics and then move up to safety things. When you get to thinking that level out -- secure the joint finances into "his and hers" so you aren't left up shit creek in the transition time because she withdraws it all. She seems to be making fast/rash decisions.

Make mediation/divorce lawyer appointments, etc. Try to be as reasonable/sane as possible -- your kid needs you to.

Look after your wellness dimensions --

BODY: If you need a check up, need help sleeping, see your doc.
MIND: Try to make time for destressing things like your outdoor fun.
HEART: feel whatever it is you have to feel. Let it blow on through even if some feelings stink to be feeling.
SOUL : I'm not sure what you do for spiritual health, but do it. Maybe it's the nature walk thing, or you have a minister to talk to or journaling or art or music... try to make the time to tend to your spirit. You seem in poor spirit right now.

Your wife wants to divorce.
Your GF is supportive, but concerned what that might mean for the future.
You are worried about the future and forming new polyships.

All understandable... but how about worrying about things in time order, one hour at a time? One day at a time. One week at a time. Through that lens... preparing for divorce comes next. Wife already moved out -- figure out your divorce laws in your area.

Worry about your status with the GF and what your next polydating life will be like when you actually arrive at that stage. You might have the capcacity for polyshipping, maybe even the desire for polyshipping... but is this the TIME to start new polyshipping? Nope. It is not the time for that stage.

There's other stages to get through first that require your attention right now.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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My sympathies, Zappafreak... I also agree with those who say it's not worth worrying about whether you're poly or not at the moment. It's time to regroup and take care of yourself and your child.

That said, and I hate to sound like a paranoid person, but please try to protect yourself if this does go into divorce proceedings. On other boards, I have read more than a handful of times about one spouse leaving the other for their new BF/GF, only to serve divorce papers accusing the other of adultery (and smearing their reputations as cheaters, if they weren't public about their poly relationship).

I recommend holding on to as much evidence as you can that this was a mutual arrangement. If it comes down to an accusation of adultery, you have something to fight back with.

Again, I'm extremely sorry you're going through this. Take some time for yourself and your child, and hang in there...
 
So sorry to hear this OP, it truly does suck and like others have said, perhaps now isn't the time to worry about being Poly, just take the time to recover. xx

According to some on here her new guy can't love her more than you. Love is always the same strength. So they think. So that should be good news for you and your wife.
 
According to some on here her new guy can't love her more than you. Love is always the same strength. So they think. So that should be good news for you and your wife.



Huh?????

That sounds a bit harsh, don't you think? If you have an issue with "some on here" do you not think it should be taken up with them in private? and not put it here on this thread.
 
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Yes, me too, Boring guy... I don't really know peeps around here. And maybe I'm reading into Z with not a little my own past experiences, maybe too close to the bone... and people do need to "reality check their motives and all... how it never is just about the offending party, and somehow get to some kind of forgiving place for your own sake.... as seems sort of covers real rage... but really found Marcus's post invideous character assasination. This is the best you offer?... and praise for brutal "Headhunting?"
 
Yes, me too, Boring guy... I don't really know peeps around here. And maybe I'm reading into Z with not a little my own past experiences, maybe too close to the bone... and people do need to "reality check their motives and all... how it never is just about the offending party, and somehow get to some kind of forgiving place for your own sake.... as seems sort of covers real rage... but really found Marcus's post invideous character assasination. This is the best you offer?... and praise for brutal "Headhunting?"

I see my name in this post but truly have no idea what it is saying.

Aery... what?
 
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