The Accidental Polyamorist

lunabunny

New member
In the interests of sharing my own on-going personal experience of polyamory with the members of this forum, as well as having a place to express myself, vent about issues that crop up, reflect and take stock of the direction my life is heading... I've decided to collate the various threads I've initiated into this blog post, starting with my Introductory post:
 
I'm a 49 year old, mono-identifying female who accidentally fell into a conflicted poly-fi situation just over a year ago. I'd been "active" on social media for years and had developed close friendships with numerous people of different genders, as you do, but had never taken that beyond the mildest of flirtatious banter until, out of the blue, a genuine romance blossomed between myself and a highly unusual, creative male friend, "J". Nothing happened in a sexually explicit vein until we both admitted we were in reciprocal love, then the "message storm" and cyber-sexing began in earnest; products of extremely potent NRE.

Thankfully during this period I was able to keep my head on straight enough to try and ascertain this man's personal life situation. J knew I was still legally married yet estranged from my husband, and I knew he'd had a complicated relationship with his ex-wife until a couple of years before, however at no point did he indicate that he was sexually involved with anyone in any kind of ongoing fashion.

His life had been a troubled one, yet at this point I was starting to feel safe with J and believed that he was being honest with me, so you can imagine how shocked and disheartened I was to discover (through a combination of my own intuition and some not-so-subtle hint-dropping by a mutual female friend) that he was involved in a secretive relationship with this woman, "B". She and I had begun to grow close in an online sense around the same time as he and I had, but B had sparked my "Spidey sense" by her over-interest in my personal life and emotional state.

When everybody finally came clean, so to speak, J swore he and B had been special friends with benefits ONLY, with no commitment or claims of "coupledom"... while conversely B had been convinced they were in mutual, deep and abiding love. Had he led her on to believe that? Yes and no. The man's immense intelligence does not preclude a degree of social blindness I admit, while her deep-seated fear of abandonment had caused her to cling too tightly to someone who'd been sending pretty clear signals that he did not wish to be smothered.

J's attitude completely changed when he and I got together. He fell deeply in love with me and committed almost immediately, and B ended up a casualty of that, for which I still feel overwhelmingly guilty. Had either of them just TOLD me they were involved at an earlier stage, I'd have respected the preexisting "relationship" (though he says they were never "in" one in that sense) and stayed in my little corner of the internet.

J held some anger towards B at this point, as he considered she had violated her self-imposed secrecy pact by divulging their affair in order to "head me off at the pass", though he still expressed a desire to remain platonic friends with her, much to my consternation. Some long-buried trust issues began to creep in at this juncture, harking back to a spectacularly bad early break-up involving a love triangle of sorts, although throughout my marriage I'd never been an especially jealous or possessive person.

So... while my new man and I immersed ourselves in NRE and each other, this other woman was relegated to the role of audience member (since those two had decided to stay in each others' lives as friends, albeit from a distance). Note: At this point I should clarify that I live in a different country to J, therefore ours was and remains a long distance relationship. On the other hand J and B live on opposite sides of the same country, so although they also conducted their relationship long distance, they HAD met in person a number of times and had been physically intimate.

Months passed and eventually B healed enough emotionally to let me back into her life and we began to become closer once again. The desire to do this wasn't completely altruistic on my part as due to the unconventional nature of the situation I had very few people to talk to about the unique difficulties I'd begun to experience as a result of dating this man. At least, none who could understand the way SHE could.

Around this time J's life changed in many ways that had nothing to do with me but which caused him to become far less "present" and engaged. Communication became sparser and sparser and our (cyber) sex life ground to a halt, although he was at pains to reassure me his feelings had not changed one bit. However, the more I yearned for the easy-going fun exchanges we used to enjoy, the more he seemed to withdraw until what had been 24/7 conversations were whittled down to a few brief exchanges per day plus the occasional phone-call.

Yes, I am aware that relationship dynamics change over time and that the "honeymoon period" is bound to end. But this happened very suddenly and it floored me. I still craved regular, warm contact. NRE was still affecting ME quite strongly but it seemed to have all but deserted HIM. B tried her best to console me but it didn't help to discover J had a pattern of flooding the object of his affections with attention then growing bored and putting increasingly lengthy silences between these bouts of enthusiastic communciation. Harder still being schooled on this by the very person who still felt like a rival for his attention/affection in many ways.

Although it felt like it, I knew J hadn't fallen out of love with me. He just lacked/lacks attention span and needs constant stimulation, not necessarily of the sexual kind. He reassured me time and again that I - and only I - had his heart. Nevertheless, I felt stung, hurt, rejected, by his absence. Meanwhile his former lover and I grew closer and closer, perhaps out of loneliness or a show of solidarity in the face of his abandonment. Neither of us had ever been same-sex attracted, however after a few months the sexual tension was undeniably building and we ended up declaring our feelings.

Before any real intimacy could occur, I knew I had to approach J and confess. Essentially I was seeking his permission to begin something with B, in what amounted to giving him an implicit veto option. Not being a possessive or sexually jealous person, J simply expressed happiness for us and wished us well. It might sound contrary in the extreme, but part of me almost hoped he would object. I now believe I may have subconsciously been testing him; hoping he would realise his position was under threat, step up and do better when it came to giving of his time and affection.

He didn't, and the upshot of all this is that I've now been in a relationship with B for the past year, alongside the relationship I have with J himself. They are both devoted to me (and I, them) but show it in completely different ways. I have since met them in person, separately and together, and have slept with both, although the relationships are still conducted mostly online due to distance issues.

To use a well-worn cliche, this past year has been a rollercoaster of emotions: guilt, shame, jealousy, confusion and feelings of propriety and possessiveness have all cropped up. However, due to the unique circumstances of our erstwhile "triad", and perhaps feelings of entitlement and/or exclusion on B's part, she has attempted several times to push through her own agenda of inclusiveness which involved suggesting we bring J into our relationship to form a poly-fi triad. Or more accurately, have her become secondary partner to the "primary" unit that was J and I at that time.

Aside from the obvious sexual fantasy element, nothing about that proposal appealed to me at all - in part due to scars I carry from an earlier breakup that ended in a failed threesome - however on two separate occasions I've gone along with the idea of it for a period of time to appease B. To be honest, the very thought of "sharing" J sexually OR worse, emotionally/romantically makes me feel sad, threatened, green with jealousy and frankly, sick to my stomach. In the months leading up to our in-person meeting overseas, I developed debilitating depression and anxiety due to the expectations being placed on me by B in this regard. J agreed to give it a try also, but frankly he can "take or leave" sex in general, and romantically it is only me he's interested in, although he did make the point that IF we were going to do this, there should be no notion of primary or secondary expressed.

B, however, wished to see if it could work, thus, to honour her and OUR relationship, as well as out of guilt that J had "chosen" me over her, to put it indelicately, I really really TRIED to give thisy serious consideration, and in fact we DID "go there"; engaging in a one-off, not-entirely successful threesome when we all finally met as a group.

Don't get me wrong, as people and friends, we all get along great - both in person and online - but sharing a bed, while exciting in fantasy form, is just not for me. I've tried it twice now, decades apart, and both were some of the worst experiences I've ever had in life, emotionally speaking. The sight of my lover/s engaging sexually with each other in the flesh, as opposed to in my head or even in milder cyber form, is an image I only WISH I could scrub from my memory permanently!

Needless to say that for the second time in our brief multi-partner relationship, the poly-fidelitous triad plan is now off for good. We have settled on a "V" paradigm with me as the hinge. They both, finally, appear to have accepted that this is the way it has to be for the imminent future, although it's not without its problems, even so, mostly involving feelings of guilt and a self-perception of greediness and selfishness on my part. I wrestle with these concepts every day because I never intended to live a polyamorous lifestyle and am still far from comfortable with the entire scenario, although I truly love and am committed to both my lovers. Hence my introductory caption, "The Accidental Polyamorist".
 
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(Originally posted in Relationship Corner under the title "Long Distance Issues for this Unusual V".)

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The backstory of our poly-fi V triad is described in the Introduction thread under the title "The Accidental Polyamorist". Our beginnings were unusual to say the least, if not strictly unique.

To sum up: I met my long distance male lover, J, on a social media site three or four years ago. We were just friends until we began private messaging around two years ago. Although I attempted to ascertain J's personal circumstances, I did not discover he was already involved with a mutual online friend, B, until he and I had already declared our love for each other. B's and J's relationship was also long distance but had progressed to real life meetings which included sex, unbeknownst to me. Unfortunately, while J considered them to be close friends with benefits only, B believed they were true soul mates in deep mutual love.

This situation blew up when I more or less guessed what was going on and asked her (B) for confirmation. At this point J essentially "chose" me over B and he and I began online "dating" in a very intense way. We committed to each other almost immediately which naturally left B heartbroken and lost. I felt for her, truly, but my feelings for J were undeniable and vice versa.

J wanted to be the best partner he could be for me, and despite a history littered with substance abuse issues and other problems, he voluntarily checked into a residential rehab for many months. This might have severely hampered our developing relationship yet the following six-eight months were some of the happiest of my life. J had remained platonic friends with B throughout that time, although she had blocked me on social media. I was skeptical of their motivations for wanting to stay in such close contact, yet it didn't affect J's and my blossoming relationship in any overly negative way.

Eventually J encountered several major life changes that resulted in a notable decrease in time spent together, to a point where I began to feel my needs for time, affection and intimacy were not being met by him. Confused and sad, I spiralled into depression. Once B had recovered enough to allow me back into her life, she and I began confiding in each other until there came a day when we both "just knew" we'd crossed the boundary from friendship to something else. So I confessed to J and asked permission to become involved with B - to which he enthusiastically capitulated. His agreement left me feeling simultaneously relieved AND disheartened. (How could he want to "share" me? etc.) Nevertheless, the two relationships established themselves side-by-side, as stressful as maintaining them has sometimes been, and my relationship with B is now over a year old.

During this time TWO major unrelated issues have presented themselves:

- J's growing unavailability has worn me down emotionally to a point where, last November, I had a breakdown and had to stop working. (I was also suffering some concurrent health issues which are on their way to being resolved now.) He answers messages haphazardly, spends a fraction of the time chatting to me than he used to, and rarely shows an interest in any sexual activity, let alone initiates it.
Yes, I am sure he does not have anyone else. And yes, I have addressed this issue with him time and again, to no avail. He DOES tell me more often than he WAS that he loves me, however, although he remains very inconsistent when it comes to communicating. More worryingly still, I recently discovered he had not been honest about remaining completely clean this past year. Substance use has reared its head again, probably suppressing any other head-rearing that I'd hoped to spark.

The second issue is this:

- B made it clear from the moment she and I got together that she'd "ideally" love to have something with BOTH J and I - our own happy little family - eventually. I've always been somewhat wary of B's motives but I do love her and I could see the sense in it since she and J used to be an item and I am "with" the both of them now. So, wishing to please her, I agreed to consider her request, vacillating back and forth until I somehow found myself promising to "try it and see" when all three of us were to meet for the first time in person in April this year.
Unfortunately, though the individual meetings went extremely well (including great sexual chemistry with each in a "real life" setting), our attempt at threesome sex was less stellar - for me - as I suspected it would be. I was too nervous and off-put by a past bad experience to really "go with the flow" and the next morning felt horrible, sickened, dirty and jealous. I hadn't been able to relax and enjoy myself, but had instead dissociated and "gone along" with it with a smile plastered on my face, despite wanting to scream "no no no!" the entire time. The next day J and B both felt terrible when they realised how I really felt, and eventually after many discussions and arguments once I returned home, we've decided NOT to force this to be a triad in that sense, but instead to remain a V.

My problem is, those two are due to go away on a short trip in a couple of weeks - something they've done several times before even after their sexual relationship ended - and I'm dreading it. These "fun" catch-ups always sadden me because I can't join them (I live in another country) but after our last threeway encounter, I'm feeling especially insecure and vulnerable about them getting together without me. Moreover, in light of J's emotional absence and lack of interest in (cyber)sex these days, it just feels so unbalanced and "unfair" that B gets to enjoy his company in close quarters while I cannot. To clarify, they've both assured me they will not be engaging in physical intimacy beyond hugging, kissing in greeting, possibly holding hands and the like - and I believe them - but in the past I've had issues with their "platonic intimacy" going too far (ie: bed sharing, foot rubs, massages, walking with arms around each other, laying with heads in lap etc.) Neither believe these things constitute going too far, but that kind of behaviour between former lovers makes me anxious and uncomfortable.
 
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(Originally posted as a reply to members' questions relating to the above post, Long distance issues for this unusual V.) ^

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To clarify: J (m/58), B (f/56) and I (lunabunny/f/49) consider ourselves to be in a closed V - with me as the hinge. I am currently in sexual/romantic relationships with both J (for the past two years) and B (for one year).

J and B are former lovers. When I first "met" both of them online those two were secretly involved in a FWB arrangement, complicated by the fact that B was deeply in love with J and considered him her "soul mate".

When J and I fell for each other, an emotional mess ensued which resulted in J and B parting ways, while he and I embarked on a relationship. Those two remained platonic friends although B was devastated by the dissolution of their arrangement.

J, who struggles with addiction and ADHD, went into rehab and got clean. He asked me to marry him quite early on (although distance and other issues prevent this from happening right now.)

About seven months into my relationship with J, B and I renewed our acquaintance and gradually grew closer until it became obvious there were genuine feelings between she and I. Meanwhile J had pulled away somewhat as various complex issues resurfaced in his life. He gave me the go-ahead to begin a relationship with B *concurrent* with ours (J's and mine) and here we all are.




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Originally Posted by MsEmotional View Post
<<<I am just really confused because it sounds like you all are (or want to be) in a closed triad. You don't have to have 3somes in order to be a triad.>>>

Yes, we ARE in a closed triad, albeit one that is mostly conducted online due to distance. (I live in a different country to both of my lovers, while they live on opposite sides of the USA.)

We HAVE all met in person at various times, and each person has engaged in sex with the others individually AND as a group (threeway sex occurred once in "real life", recently, and 2-3 times in cyber form prior to that.)

As I've said elsewhere on this forum, I AM aware that 3-way sexual activity isn't a prerequisite of any triad, however it is something B made clear she wanted to try, with an aim of working towards a fully integrated poly-fi triad, so (against my instincts) I agreed to give it a go for her sake, as did J.

Those two took the threesome in stride (especially B who found it extremely pleasurable and satisfying), however it affected me really badly and I have since delineated firmer boundaries/hard limits relating to group sex and intimacy between J and B.

Current problem: In two weeks my lovers will be going away on a trip together, without me. This will be the first time they've seen each other since the ill-fated threesome, and while I trust them both not to break the boundaries I've put in place re: no intimacy between them (they're the "ends" of our V), I am still terribly nervous and know I'll spend those five days curled in a ball, "seeing" what happened last time and worrying unnecessarily. (Yes, I have clinical depression and anxiety.)


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<<<I see the biggest red flag here to be the substance abuse and the fact that J doesn't seem to be a very honest person -- both with you and with B.>>>

You are right of course. Alongside his no longer meeting my needs for communication or sex and the (now more or less resolved) issue of group sex, detailed above, J's drug use and suspect level of honesty surrounding difficult topics are/have been major points of contention in our relationship.

While in many ways, J is the sweetest and most honourable man you could meet, he is pretty conflict avoidant and simply cannot stand to be the source of another's pain. This is admirable in some ways, however these traits have caused him to lie-by-omission in the past, and generally not want to address important topics if he suspects doing so will greatly upset the other person. In other words, he'd rather sweep things under the carpet than "get real".
 
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(Originally posted as a reply to a question by PowerPuffGirl on the thread, Long distance issues for this unusual V.)


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I know it must sound confusing, as parts of my story/explanation are in this thread and other parts in my Introduction.

What I may not have explained is that J and B have been on vacation together several times already (since their "breakup" in 2015) without engaging in sexual intimacy.

They are not currently involved in a relationship with each other except as ends/arms of our V. They love each other but are not IN love. (Though by her own admission, B struggled to get over J for a long time after their breakup.)

And yes, she was the one who pushed to include intimacy between them as part of our group deal, but now claims she regrets this after seeing how badly I was hurt after the threesome.

For his part, J could "take or leave" the sexual side with B. He was only going along with it because he thought that was what she and I both wanted. (While I only agreed to TRY to please B.)

J has a lower libido than B or I and isn't overly motivated towards sex, especially with someone he isn't in love with. Therefore, I can't see a reason to make intimacy part of the dynamic between those two, if all parties are not enthusiastically on board and it's just going to cause hurt and complications.
 
(Partial reply below was originally posted in response to GalaGirl, on the thread Long Distance Issues for this Unusual V.)

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I've had lifelong issues with anxiety and occasional flare-ups of depression, but my mental health had been more or less stable UNTIL I unexpectedly found myself in this situation - polyamory - which has been stressful as I have always identified as mono.

The internal conflict has affected me quite negatively and I am still adjusting to, and trying to accept, that I am responsible for the nature of my own current situation.

Moreover, being lied to or cheated on are NOT things I have ever been able to forgive or forget easily. In fact, in the past I've really been quite intractable on these issues and have left relationships the minute a serious breach occurred.

This time, I am trying to be more accepting and tolerant of other people's foibles, issues, lapses...because I acknowledge that everybody is fallible, including myself. However, I recognise there are limits to tolerance am not unaware of when I'm "being taken for a ride". This - me asserting my rights and putting in place boundaries and insisting my questions be met with honesty and detailed explanations - have been both the CAUSE of multiple arguments within my current relationship paradigm, and also the CURE for hashing out agreement on the aforementioned issues of shared intimacy among others, as of recent days.
 
(Entire post copied from the thread titled "A sticky issue of threesomes and consent", in Relationship Corner.)

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Okay, so here's the deal with the disastrous threesome I've discussed elsewhere on this board:

As someone who experienced sexual abuse within a relationship when quite young - and ended that relationship after an unplanned threesome went very wrong - I vowed I'd never get involved in anything resembling non-monogamy, a "love triangle", or group sex EVER again. The whole idea of polyamory seemed vaguely sleazy to me.

That was until decades later when I became involved in my current relationship - a closed poly V - last year. Still I remained somewhat uncomfortable; especially when I found myself being gently coerced into expanding our relationship to include intimacy between all three of us in a group setting.

My partners assured me it didn't have to be a big deal, but that communication was key. We all agreed that we should take it slow, have condoms on hand, decide on a "safe word", and that nobody should feel obligated to go along with anything they didn't want to do. Nor should we be drunk or impaired.

I explained to B that because of my social anxiety and past issues with abuse, as well as the fact that I'd be the "new girl" (they used to be casual sex partners), I MAY find it hard to ask for what I need, or to call a halt to the activity if I felt really anxious or ganged-up on/left out in the moment. B said she understood and agreed that we would "check in with each other" every step of the way during proceedings.

So the time came when I finally met and had sex with each of my lovers in person (separately) during a blissful month overseas. So far, so good.

When the day of our joint meeting arrived, I was nervous as hell but still anticipatory to a degree, so I took one of my recently prescribed anti-anxiety pills (they both know I'm on these). Not being a drinker or habitual user of medication, I didn't think about the effects when I consumed a couple of glasses of alcohol before dinner... then another couple afterwards.

J was also clearly nervous and quite drunk by the evening, but unbeknownst to me and B, he also decided he'd use a little speed and a drug that's commonly prescribed for erectile dysfunction (although he doesn't have this problem) just before joining myself and B in the hot tub.

By the time J joined us in the spa, he was already sporting an obvious hard-on and B was starting to kiss and fondle me. Suddenly it hit me that, ready or not, a threesome was about to happen! When J moved closer and began to manually stimulate me (I was unsure whose hand it was till later, as it was dark and underwater) while B was kissing me, my stomach dropped and I began to silently freak out and dissociate from what I felt was happening TO me.

I couldn't relax and enjoy the sensations and didn't want to have BOTH my lovers watching me as I came (guilt, shame, embarrassment?) so I said "no" or "stop" and pushed the hand away (I had to do this twice). Feeling guilty for "ruining" it for them, I redirected their attentions towards each other, even though my heart was crying "no, don't do that!"

My memory is hazy about what transpired after that, but I know J brought B to orgasm via fingering her, and at some point B went down on J which tore my heart out and made her hate her a little. Yet for some reason, I felt compelled to encourage them and I know they thought I was perfectly fine with everything although nobody actually asked me at any point. The whole thing felt sort of like an out of body experience, and I can't recall how it ended and nothing more until I was woken up in the middle of the night by J trying to climb into the bed B and I were sharing.

Physically and emotionally uncomfortable, I left to go sleep on the couch... but I just ended up crying all night, flashing back to "seeing" B's mouth wrapped around J's cock every few minutes, while they slept peacefully cuddled up in the bedroom.

It was a nightmare, and I had a massive meltdown the next morning. I knew I'd allowed it to happen, even encouraged them (if only to draw the attention away from me and my lack of reaction), and that nothing "bad" had actually happened... but for some reason it still felt like I'd been forced into something, "used", and like my requests regarding prior discussion, boundaries, checking in, and consent to certain acts had not been honoured.

Am I crazy for thinking this way? This almost destroyed my relationship with B, though we've since worked it out, and has definitely put the kybosh on any plans we had to live together as a group for the time being.
 
Also from the thread, "A Sticky Issue of Threesomes and Consent" : my responses to various replies...

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Very, very occasionally, when triggered, I have experienced what I'd describe as going into a state of involuntary mutism or near-catatonia... wherein I simultaneously panic on the inside, but cannot verbalise anything other than an internal scream or silently repeating the same word or phrase over and over, shutting down (with or without accompanying physical gestures to indicate such a state), go blank, or start to shake uncontrollably.

I guess I experienced a milder form of this during the threesome. My mind and body were definitely divorced from each other. I could feel ("see") myself smiling and acting or speaking, but it felt like someone else, and wasn't reflective of what I was feeling or thinking inside.

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after many very upsetting arguments we have finally all agreed we won't be going there again in a hurry, if at all. This experience almost broke us, and destroyed much of the trust we'd been trying to rebuild, if not the love. Sexually, it has set me (and hence, my relationships) back to a point where at first I was unable to be intimate with either partner separately, although I've gotten past that now.

I'm just concerned because it took so long to get to a good place, and so little time to (almost) destroy it all again. And now J and B are about to go on a trip together without me in another couple of weeks, I worry I'll freak out and get really upset as I have when they've gone away together in the past - only worse, now that I have THIS image stuck in my head! I told B I'd love to be hypnotised to either block these visions or so that I can more easily accept the idea of group sex/poly. That said, I DO actually trust them to not hurt me in this way. I just need to find a way to get past it.


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I acknowledge and have stated to the others that we tried to take on WAY too much for a first time. Not just first time threesome, but first time we three had all been in the same place at the same time, in person. I think it's because ours is a major LDR, and we felt we had to make the most of the time we had together because it'll be a long time before we meet as a group again. (Still, BIG mistake.)

(...) I made it clear when I first met these two and -belatedly- discovered they were a casual item after J and I had already fallen for each other, that I would NOT be up for "sharing", group-anything, or a DADT poly relationship. Fast forward two years and I allowed myself to be pressured into trying, which I now regret, and seeing how badly it has affected me - and judging the fallout not to be worth it, since they are not "in" love with each other - my partners have agreed not to pursue it.

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I am very rarely like this under ordinary circumstances, but in my relationship with B, I feel a degree of guilt/responsibility for being the catalyst that ended hers and J's relationship, so have tended to allow myself to be persuaded, or "give in" to her wishes, even when it's not something I'd normally want for myself. Something I need to get over as I was NOT the "guilty party" in that situation.

(...) Whatever you want to term it, I experienced that "fight or flight" adrenaline pumping fear response... and as I've noted in MY case, rather than "fight" or "flight/flee", this can sometimes result in a reaction I term "freeze" - the proverbial deer in the headlights - when I am triggered or perceive my safety (physical or emotional) is under severe threat.

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I admit I have a tendency to catastrophize anyway, as an outcome of anxiety. However it hasn't helped that my suspicions/fears have proven correct on a notable few occasions during this relationship. I acknowledge I can't KEEP dwelling on past betrayals however, and need to find positive ways to move forward.


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Whatever we wish to call the experience of being overrun by panic-induced adrenaline, then crashing and burning emotionally in the aftermath, I definitely DO believe that is what I experienced, and most likely as a result of past traumatic experiences that were similar enough to the recent scenario as to trigger this chain reaction...

...as well as the fact that, partially suppressed or not, I knew I didn't really want to do the threesome ahead of time, yet felt extreme guilt and like I "owed" it to my partner/s due to the convoluted way our relationship had evolved.

I still cannot remember it ending, going to bed etc., however I do know there was no aftercare, cuddling, talking it over or the like - until I had my morning-after meltdown. To their credit, both J and B were incredibly sweet and caring, if somewhat puzzled and hurt, when they discovered how badly I'd taken it. And after I'd burnt myself out with crying and debriefing, they left me to sleep for some hours while they went for a long walk. I backburnered my feelings as best as I could for the rest of our holiday, but as soon as returned home to my own country, everything began to overwhelm me again and I had an emotional breakdown, which I'm still "feeling" and working through, though we've discussed, renegotiated and settled our issues to the best of our joint ability.


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I must clarify that J wasn't the driver behind either the threesome or the attempt to transition our current relationship paradigm (two separate romantic dyads) into a more integrated poly-fi triad. He did however go along with the idea, as did I, although I think I always knew I was terribly uncomfortable about the idea from the get-go.

From all this I've learned that I must be more proactive about setting boundaries, as well as explicitly stating my needs and what I find unacceptable - BEFORE the proverbial shit hits the fan.

I also acknowledge I am the only one for whom I can do this. As much as I may want to, I cannot enforce my will or decisions on my partners, unless they also come to believe that these will best serve their own needs, and those of the group.


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(My lovers) are more "open"/less conservative when it comes to non-monogamy and sharing intimacy on any level.

I don't WANT to present them with a list of constrictive rules regarding how they conduct themselves around each other or show physical affection (though B recently asked me to delineate what acts/behaviours I have a problem with, so as to avoid further issues) because I don't want to act like a control freak. However, I need to feel as safe and secure as I can in my relationships, for my own happiness and mental health. After our deep talks in recent weeks, I know my partners respect my feelings enough to curtail some behaviours they personally don't see as problematic (such as sleeping in the same bed), but which I deem an unnecessary adjunct to a platonic friendship.

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I'd always suspected B still had romantic feelings for J, though she/they denied it. And that bred distrust and a vague feeling of being under threat.

But after I began to love B, I didn't resent her so much for still having feelings for J, because I could *understand* why she did. And because I loved her (both of them) I wanted to "put it right" if I could. The only problem was, it made me feel so threatened, sad, jealous and out of control whenever I envisioned them together. And confused/crazy too, because sometimes the "fantasy" of that was also a huge turn-on. (Which I NOW know is normal and not indicative that a person actually wants to, or has to fulfil those fantasies IRL.)

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After running this past you all on the forum and reading your responses, I feel satisfied that I am not just "crazy", or an overly conservative prude. I have very real reasons I reacted the way I did, and I think it's time I sought therapy to deal with the residual pain and hurt caused long ago, and exacerbated by various breaches and betrayals within my current relationship (I've only skirted the surface of some of them).
 
Anxious about metamours going away together without me

So... this is an update centred on my current concern: anxiety relating to the fact that my partners/metamours will be going away on a five-day trip together, without me.

A quick re-cap: My co-primary partners, J and B, used to be involved with each other in a close FWB type arrangement, before I met either of them.

They have been away together before as platonic friends - albeit sleeping in the same bed - but this will be the first time they've vacationed together since we all engaged in a failed threesome (after which we suspended any plans to turn our situation into a Poly-Fi triad, due to my inability to deal with the idea of my partners being together sexually).

They have agreed not to engage with each other in a physically intimate way, and I trust them both to keep this agreement. However, a handful of past incidences of boundaries being breached and agreements not being honoured have me pretty keyed up about this trip, which will begin in a couple of days.

At the suggestion of various people on this forum, I have discussed my concerns with both partners and have put (new, updated) boundaries in place, as well as furnished them with a short list of communication requirements aimed at making me feel safer, more secure, less isolated and alone while they're away together.

I plan to keep this thread open over the next few days, in order to draw on the support and combined wisdom of this group... and hopefully gain further insight on managing my own issues of jealousy, insecurity and the demands of poly in general, but specifically as it pertains to a long distance relationship.

Thank you in advance.

(Above copied from the thread, "Anxious about metamours going away together without me".)
 
Anxious about metamours going away together without me (excerpted reply)

It is now Day 2 of their 5 day trip away and despite the above, I am struggling.

Instead of needing MORE active communication and involvement with my lovers while they're away/together, I have decided to take a break from all forms of communicating with them for the next day or so.

What I have consistently discovered during ALL of their trips away together (past and present), is that "following" them on their travels and waiting for either or both of them to contact me and keep me in the loop about their activities, whereabouts, etc... is that I tend to spend too long staring at computer screen or constantly checking for messages, yearning for contact, and increasingly feeling isolated and anxious if anticipated contact is delayed.

Right now, I need to attend to some rather pressing personal matters in my home life... so that constantly keeping one eye (and more than half of my mind) on what is happening *over there* with my partners is dividing my focus and draining my energy from more productive uses of my time.

I recognise that I become all too easily upset (to the point of crying hysterically, earlier today) when my needs for communication are not being met, but instead I see them (usually J) posting happy snaps together or actively engaging with others on social media.

I recognise that I can only request that my needs be taken into consideration, but cannot dictate how my partners choose to spend their time. However, I also recognise that, by actively putting myself in the position to witness them/him spending time focussing on other pursuits or friends instead of me, I am doing my own emotional health no favours. Hence my current temporary moratorium on messaging.
 
Coming Out as Poly to immediate family.

Well, this week has seen me finally "come out" to my estranged husband and two adult children as being in a LD polyamorous relationship.

All in all, they took it well, especially since my version of poly crosses boundaries of sexual orientation and distance.

Up until today, my son (who lives in a different town) had only had a vague idea that my relationship with his father was over for good, while my daughter (who still lives at home) already knew most of the story. Being bi herself, she was less shocked to learn the full extent of my situation a couple of months ago.

So far, I haven't decided if I wish to extend the circle of those "in the know", or if so, WHO should be privy to such personal info.

My estranged husband is just beginning a new relationship with a woman who lives in another town far from where I am based. He and I have agreed to tell people about my situation strictly on a "need to know" basis, for the immediate future.

Meanwhile, both my lovers live in a different country, so any decision I make re: disclosure will not affect them much, as we don't travel in the same social circles at all, except when it comes to "friends" on social media.
 
Metamours' vacation, done and dusted.

My lovers have finally returned to their separate places of residence after their short vacation in Washington DC.

For me, it was a frustrating and lonely time, as there was a distinct lack of communication from J's side, and many crossed wires and missed connections when it came to scheduled phonecalls and the like.

On the second day I just gave up, and almost completely revised my original expectations (i.e. before going away, I had stated that I'd require a moderate amount of regular two-way communication good morning texts, limited messages/info exchanges throughout each day + a nightly call from each of my lovers), after it became obvious J wasn't going to stick to the plan.

I told J and B that I was taking a step back and wouldn't be contacting them for a few days... that they were welcome to msg or call me if they needed... but that I wasn't going to (metaphorically) initiate anything more.

I felt bad that J's 'slackitude' and my resultant low mood impacted B and their holiday negatively. However, I felt I had to remove myself from their orbit temporarily for the sake of my own well-being.

My grown son and daughter were home with me, which was both a comfort/distraction... and an additional source of anxiety, as I'd planned to "out myself" as Poly to my son during this time.
 
Now "out" to family and close friends.

Well, this past couple of weeks has been a rollercoaster of emotions, as I knew it would be when I decided to come "out" about my LDR "V" to not only my estranged husband, but also to my grown son (my daughter, who lives with me, was already aware), two of my best friends, and my older brother.

The self-outing went about as well as can be expected, thank goodness, but was far more exhausting than I imagined it would be. (So many lengthy, deep and meaningfuls!) My oldest friend was the person who expressed the most concern/negativity. She had known for a while about one of my lovers - J - but not that I was also seeing B. As my oldest friend, she was aware I'd made out with a couple of girls in my youth, but had NO idea I would get involved with a woman at this stage of life, let alone with two people at the same time, so you could say she was a little stunned yet tentatively supportive. J's drug use is the thing she is most concerned about.

Also, three days ago I started therapy with a poly-friendly psychologist. I am hoping our sessions will help me work out my feelings re: suddenly finding myself in a polyamorous relationship (i.e. my "poly identity")... help me clarify my boundaries pertaining to J's substance use and his sketchy communication style, and whether those behaviours are deal-breakers for me... help me deal with my feelings of jealousy pertaining to the way J and B relate to each other... along with residual issues stemming from abuse I suffered in my past.

The therapist seems to have a thorough grasp of the issues many poly people struggle with, although I am well aware that not every problem I'm facing is a product of being in a non monogamous relationship.
 
Again with the cyber three-way!

The other note-worthy and somewhat confusing thing that happened last weekend was that - after almost four months of steering well clear of any "crossing over" of sexual lines between J, B and me (we had put the disastrous threesome behind us for good, or so I thought) - we ended up engaging in group cyber-sex, which was not pre-planned.

To explain, we have a group inbox which is normally used for info-sharing or posting "cute" memes, pictures or articles of interest. It is RARE that we "chat" at length in this inbox, and group sexual stuff has only happened in there maybe two or three times at most.

So, after swearing off any more three-way action, at least in real life, B left a message about feeling lonesome and asked how we (J and I) could stand the LD/no real life touch thing. We were not online at the time, so I really do not think she was trying to start anything in particular, but rather, was expressing frustration/loneliness as I'd been sleeping a long time and J had probably been his usual uncommunicative self.

I answered her with a somewhat cheeky response, and she and I began bantering good-naturedly but with a kind of flirtatious undertone... then all of a sudden J was there also, chiming in, all jokey/sarcastic/flirty too. (We'd woken the slumbering beast, clearly). This went on for a good while, and the sexual tension was clearly ramping up on all sides, though I really don't think anyone was game to take it further due to my bad reaction to the IRL event.

J kept disappearing and reappearing as B and I chatted. Then I bit the bullet and sent a pretty risqué photo with a caption that could easily be construed as an invitation - and they both took the bait and it was on. Afterward, instead of having mixed feelings or feeling downright shitty, as has been my reaction before... I felt good, non awkward, almost... I guess "compersive" (though I'm not sure that word applies since I was also involved.)

It was all good, and the others concurred in later discussion that it was cool as a "one off". However, now I'm a little confused as to whether I/we should stick with our agreement (circa May this year) to NOT go to that place again with the three of us. Or if it's okay occasionally, in a cyber setting, but not IRL or with just the two of them. Time for another discussion, I guess...
 
Lovers in mourning

A sad week this week.

A former lover of my girlfriend died over the weekend. He had grown up with my male partner, J, and they'd been close friends for many years.

During the time my girlfriend B was involved in a casual fwb thing with J a few years ago, she also developed a relationship with his friend D, and "dated" both of them at the same time for a while. It was kind of a DADT arrangement, which ended when J and I started up.

B and D were still together in some fashion, but due to D's jealousy issues among other things, she broke up with him. They tried to remain friends, but unfortunately D felt very threatened by B's continuing platonic friendship with his friend (J) and eventually B decided she had to cut him loose for good.

Unfortunately around this time, D discovered he was terminally ill which made B feel extremely guilty for breaking it off with him. She tried to support him from a distance - over text or message only - but he wasn't content with this arrangement and continually pushed for more. He was a lovely guy in many ways, from what my lovers tell me, but was understandably in a fragile state after his diagnosis and the breakup with B, so his behaviour wasn't always exemplary.

Two days ago, I was the one who learned that D had passed away, therefore it was me who had to break the news to both my partners. This was difficult as the situation between those three had been quite fraught with emotion around the time I came onto the scene and for a good while afterwards until all communication ceased. I feel unaccountably saddened, though I didn't know the man personally, besides a few short exchanges on social media.
 
Nicknaming my partners

As per my edited signature, I've decided to give my lovers nicknames in place of the single initials I had been using until now.

Henceforth, in the interest of less clunky-sounding posts, J will be known as Jester and B will be known as Boho.

These monikers fit key aspects of their personalities and may help forum members distinguish between them and think of them as unique individuals rather than simply letters on a page. :)
 
It's been about nine months since the awkward (read: hideous) real-life threesome that almost caused an unbridgeable fracture in my poly V.

As anyone who's followed my story knows, this incident resulted in any kind of sexual interaction between us as a group being put on ice - and put a complete stop to anything physical which may have been reignited between Jester and Boho as a consequence.

Around August, there was an unpremeditated episode of sexting/cybering that involved all three of us. Unlike previous times this had happened, it wasn't the least bit uncomfortable... and since then, we've gone to that place a couple more times as a group; but always cautiously, and always led by me. (I think my reaction to the in-person incident really spooked my partners. Neither is willing to risk losing me over a bit of fun, so they never initiate.)

Overall, the relationship with Jester has markedly improved since October. He has been making a greater effort to communicate in general, and to show me (in words and other ways) that he loves and appreciates me. Naturally, this has resulted in me feeling more secure in the relationship.

Similarly - and possibly because she chose to take a step back from Jester rather than screw things up between us even more due to her desire not to be "left out" of his and my relationship - I now feel way more secure in my relationship with Boho also, and more trusting of her motivations for being with me "for me".

My newfound sense of security has manifested in many other positives, including; relieving anxiety and depression levels, increased peace of mind, clearer focus on what I want out of life and where I see these relationships/this relationship heading, and more clarity in how to achieve the desired outcome.

I also feel a greater sense of love for the "dyad" that is Jester/Boho, independent of my involvement. At times, this feeling has approached the oft-vaunted "compersion" - something I seriously doubted I'd ever be able to genuinely feel. (Even describing the relationship between those two as a "dyad" used to set my teeth on edge prior to the past few months.) Sometimes I still feel jealousy; often over surprising things that are far from sexual in nature.

Still, I finally feel ready to "allow" (for want of a better word) their relationship to progress beyond a carefully-reconstructed platonic friendship with a side order of occasional three-way online flirtation/sex relief into an actual two-way sexual relationship, with some limitations. (To clarify: I say "reconstructed" because they used to be in a FWB thing before I began to date them separately.)

I discussed my thoughts with each of my partners... and both seemed amenable to the idea, without wanting to show too much unbridled enthusiasm to rip each other's clothes off immediately. (They know that one of my fears was that they, especially Boho, was just with me as a means of trying to get back with Jester with whom she was deeply in love for a long time.)

I then wrote them a joint email, outlining my thoughts, desires, needs, boundaries, hard and soft limits - inviting them to address any aspect they may disagree or have issues with. Neither of them thought I was being unreasonable regarding my requests, even though I insisted that passionate kissing be taken off the table and also specified that I'm not ready for them to engage in full PIV sex just yet. That said, I DID make it clear that I'd be prepared to negotiate on some of my "rules" should either/both of them feel strongly about something.

Of course, nothing has actually happened between them yet, so far, however I am cautiously optimistic that I haven't bitten off more than I can chew this time. We're planning on taking this step by step.
 
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The logistics of combining three lives

This week started with Jester initiating a sexting session between all three of us - a kind of extended "mixed media" event which went pretty well. It's uncharacteristic of him to initiate these days, so that was a pleasant surprise. I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with both group sexual activity and things of that ilk occurring between my partners without my involvement, though the latter is very rare and always involves me taking the lead, so far.

In general relationship news, Boho and I are now counting down the weeks until our European trip in March/April. We're very excited as by then it will have been a year since we've been together in person. I can hardly believe it - it only seems like it's been a few months! I am also making tentative plans for a longer trip to the States towards the end of the year.

In the meantime, we've been discussing the logistics of me making a permanent move there... Boho's prospects re: transferring within her company... which plays into deciding what area of the country we will ultimately settle.

Boho is scheduled to go on a business trip in May that'll take her closer to Jester's neck of the woods, so they plan to catch up then. This will be a great opportunity for them to discuss the whens, wheres and whyfores of merging lives and all that goes along with that in a practical sense.

I've been looking into our various real estate markets (we're all property owners) and checking out floor plans, as it's highly likely we will end up jointly purchasing a home in the medium term future. It has to be the right home though. Each of us is pretty keen to maintain some semblance of privacy and personal space, even when we're living together. A duplex, U-shaped hacienda style or 3-4 bedroom home with a granny flat would be ideal. I'm used to sleeping alone, as is Jester. Even throughout my 20+ year marriage, my ex and I rarely shared a bed for sleeping.
 
A diagnosis, at last?

Next week I start seeing a new psychiatrist. Whilst I had a good rapport with my previous, poly friendly psychologist, I don't think I was making any headway regarding my own personal issues outside of my relationship/s.

I've long suspected that my (sometimes extreme) social phobia, anxiety, hyper focus/obsessive interests and occasional suicidal ideation are rooted in something more/other than generalised anxiety and depression. I've felt "different" since I was a child, though I had no real way to verbalise it back then.

However in the intervening decades I've learned of developmental disorders such as high functioning end of the autistic spectrum (ASD, Asperger's Syndrome) and the various symptoms and co-morbidities that tend to go along with that. In fact, my son was diagnosed at seven years old after initially being suspected of having a hearing deficit, as were a couple of nephews. Having read widely on the subject and interacted with many people on the spectrum, diagnosed and otherwise, including my aged father, I am almost certain that this will be the outcome of my upcoming sessions.

I'm somewhat nervous, but almost relieved in advance that I may finally have a definitive answer. I know my tendency to isolate myself and my aversion to social situations and (often) touch has created barriers between myself and my past partners. And I understand that this is one reason the long distance aspect of my current relationships hasn't been as much of a problem for me as it would be for many people. I feel lucky and grateful that my partners understand because to some extent they're cut from a similar cloth.
 
Asperger's and Agoraphobia

After a hellish weekend and start to the week, in which I broke down completely once again and almost broke up with Jester... I felt calmer by mid week.

Valentine's Day was pretty nice, insofar as it can be considering the LDR aspect. Jester sent me roses and chocolates (and as a chocolate connoisseur, let me tell you, they were absolutely scrumptious!) which, on his student budget, was quite the treat. They arrived a couple of days before VDay, towards the tail end of our big blow-up, which really made me feel like a heel and a crazy woman for doubting him. He really is such a sweet man... I just wish there was more consistent communication from his side.

Boho and I have been in constant contact, as is our wont. She is such a great support for me - something that still strikes me as ironic from time to time. I really love this kind, giving woman. We exchanged small gifts/cards for Valentine's Day also, but I'll have more in store for her when we see each other in April. I can't wait!

One of the things that's been playing on my mind and making me extra anxious has been this psychiatrist visit (that happened yesterday). Frankly, my current meds haven't been cutting it, and it had gotten to the point where - after a lifetime of wondering - I really needed a big picture diagnosis, rather than simply treating symptoms as they cropped up on a semi regular anxiety>>>depression>>>breakdown>>>recovery>>>wellness cycle.

No surprise, but the new doctor quickly ascertained that I am somewhere on the ASD/autistic spectrum. Additionally, my natural predisposition to high anxiety and melancholia, along with an increase in various life stresses and health issues (menopausal symptoms, anaemia etc.) is currently manifesting in severe depression, social phobia (including avoidance and agoraphobia) and thoughts of self harm.

She is going to refer me to yet another psychologist who specialises in ASD/Asperger's, so that I may learn strategies for dealing with stress and tactics to overcome my agoraphobia. She also spoke to me about various medications... what is working for me, and what's not... what has worked well in the past... and has adjusted my medication and doses accordingly. I go back to see her in a month.

I know there is no easy fix for this. I just hope to climb out of this pit of despair and regain some quality of life. Just because I was "born this way" doesn't mean I should suffer endlessly if I don't have to, and nor should my partners, family and friends suffer in response to my moods and social avoidance.
 
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