Odd situation

Flowerchild

New member
So, my SO was talking about how his other SO is jealous, sometimes, of the fact that he wants anyone but her. And, today, he and I were talking, and he tells me how he knows that deep down, I really wish he wanted me above all other women.

I really think I don't....and I'm not looking for ways to convince him...but the weird thing, is he's okay with this. He says that's normal for women, and that we're all like that.

I honestly disagree with him, and when he says stuff like that, I usually reply with something along the lines of he's too annoying to deal with 24/7.

Should I be concerned that my poly boyfriend thinks I wish he were monogamous?
 
I think that you might want to all sit down and explore the word "compersion." As for jealousy, try focusing on the differences whick you various couplings special. Delve into each, with the blessing of the other, but without the encumberance of worrying.
 
Sounds like he has quite the ego or is very insecure and needs to feel like the ladies are fighting over him to make him feel like a big man. I wouldn't put any thought to it other than a "yeah you wish lol"
 
So, my SO was talking about how his other SO is jealous, sometimes, of the fact that he wants anyone but her.
I'd be willing to bet he tells her the same thing about you. It sounds like he wants to trigger a "Back off! He's mine!" reaction in one or both of you.
 
He may not be quite so egotistical as everyone thinks, a teensy bit misogynistic perhaps. He's probably talked to her a bunch trying to figure out her jealousy and how to help it. When one is trying to do that with someone else they typically have to guess a bit at what the other person is thinking, which means that he has probably has at one point or another during a conversation guessed at a jealous reaction that she had. If he guessed right (which if she is jealous then he probably did) then he probably got a bit of a confidence boost, when combined with a viewpoint that all women are alike in any way at all, leads to your situation. I wouldn't be worried about it, and if you think you aren't jealous then you probably aren't. Don't write off the opportunity for self evaluation to be sure, but don't assume that you necessarily are jealous just because he says so, right now his perception is a bit clouded by the other more jealous girl. This is of course a rather optimistic take on the situation but its certainly something that can happen.
 
It just means that he thinks your self esteem is so low, you'd settle for non monogamy than be alone. This is why I screen people so vehemently before dating them. I couldn't be with someone who believed this.
 
If you are posting you ARE worried. I think what you could be asking is "I am worried about this. Is it weird?"

If so? Yah, I think it is weird.

he tells me how he knows that deep down, I really wish he wanted me above all other women. (<--really? How does he know that? Presumption. )

I really think I don't....and I'm not looking for ways to convince him...but the weird thing, is he's okay with this. He says that's normal for women, and that we're all like that. (<-- really? He knows all women? How does he know that? Presumption.)

I honestly disagree with him, and when he says stuff like that, I usually reply with something along the lines of he's too annoying to deal with 24/7.

Should I be concerned that my poly boyfriend thinks I wish he were monogamous?

I'd be more concerned that my poly BF wants to tell me what to feel and when I feel it. And to WHAT PURPOSE? He wants to feel good at your expense by instigating "the women fight over me" or something?

I'd also be annoyed he's "decided" this, and is now telling me it is "normal" for women to be this way. (Which is like a backhanded way of getting you to question if you are "normal" right now or not. Again... to what PURPOSE?)

Jeez. What's with his head games? Who is he trying to convince? You or himself?

I wouldn't want this type of shenanigans in my life and I'd call him on it. Respect my limit -- I get to be in charge of how I feel and when I feel it and when/how I express it and to whom.

He could not presume or assume. He has a need? Spit it out and make a request. I might meet it. Shilly shally around? Annoying.

He keeps it up? This obnoxious presuming and annoying?

Out the door. There's less annoying/tiresome people to date in the world.

JMHO.

Galagirl
 
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Sounds to me like he has some per-conceived sexist notions about women.

Personally I'd be more upset about him not believing you that you don't feel that way. He is choosing to believe his false assumption over you. If he can't trust you to know your own feelings then how can he see you as a true equal?

On a side note what does SO stand for? I couldn't find it on the terms and definition thread. :confused:
 
Significant Other. It's probably not on the list because it's not poly-specific.
 
Sorry for the tangent but is it just me or do only shallow people say things like "deep down"?
 
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Sounds like he has quite the ego

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

You are acknowledging that he does have an ego, so apparently you are used to dealing it. This could be a small thing and something easy to blow off- knowing "that's just like something he would think and say"! Or- something like this could be the straw that broke the camels' back.

If you are in love with him and feel confident about your future together, then it is probably one of the laughable things to blow off.....something typical that he would say.

But if you are not in love with him and /or not sure about your future together then something like this could end up being an issue and make you question things.
 
Thoughts

If you are in love with him and feel confident about your future together, then it is probably one of the laughable things to blow off.....something typical that he would say.

I do love him. I guess I was venting as much as anything else; I don't usually mind, but sometimes he's particularly egotistical comments irk me.
 
I do love him. I guess I was venting as much as anything else; I don't usually mind, but sometimes he's particularly egotistical comments irk me.

I get that! I thought I was picking that up in your post! There are times when I just overlook things like that- let the guy pump up his own ego for a while- after all- this too shall pass, right? And (I don't know about you) but my guy has to put up with some of my ego stuff too.

On afternoon, we were at a festival and briefly hooked up with one of my guy friends and his wife. I am sexual with the guy and my SO really likes the guy, but my SO doesn't like the wife at all. I went off for about 15 minutes to visit with the couple and when I sat back down my SO said something about how stuck up the wife is. I went on to brag that they said they were going to invite me to their house to spend some time with the two of them. And I said it in a very bratty way. It was tacky of me and it hurt my SO,s feelings. It was my attitude that was hurtful.
 
I would be.

So, my SO was talking about how his other SO is jealous, sometimes, of the fact that he wants anyone but her. And, today, he and I were talking, and he tells me how he knows that deep down, I really wish he wanted me above all other women.

I really think I don't....and I'm not looking for ways to convince him...but the weird thing, is he's okay with this. He says that's normal for women, and that we're all like that.

I honestly disagree with him, and when he says stuff like that, I usually reply with something along the lines of he's too annoying to deal with 24/7.

Should I be concerned that my poly boyfriend thinks I wish he were monogamous?

A couple of months ago one of my three boyfriends started being a jerk because he felt like we were "too monogamous". He knew I had two other men in my life but the reality of how much energy I put into splitting up my attention wasn't a reality for him. His language and behavior began to hint at verbal abuse and raised a red flag. I couldn't find a way to rationalize his perspective and my interest in him just died one day. I cancelled our future plans and we abruptly stopped talking. We've run into each other at parties and are on good terms. It took breaking up to get it through to him that I wasn't angling for the girlfriend role he was anxious about so we're exactly where we need to be - platonic.

I don't know all the details of your situation, and it seems like you're aware of this guys flaws. It's worth putting up your red flag about chauvinistic behavior in polyamory. Sometimes people just aren't on the same page.
 
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