Scared Monogamous Newbie

Well the one benefit that I am definitly getting currently is the love and support from my husband after having my heart broken. You can get support from friends, but this is more intimate (and I don't mean sex), a more personal kind of support, especially if non of your other friends know of your polyness or understand it.
 
First there is the question of whether you are a "conditioned mono" or a "natural mono".

If you're a conditioned mono, then perhaps you could be free to explore multiple loves yourself and enjoy more intimate people in your life.

As a natural mono, my benefits are solely hinged on the opportunity to love Redpepper. If she wasn't polyamorous I wouldn't be able to share her intimate love. In knowing she has a loving husband I am somewhat free to take time for myself that I might feel guilt over if it was just me and her.

I could still be involved in her family if we weren't intimately in love and all the aspects I have learned from poly could be applied in a mono relationship. It has brought out growth in me and realizations I might not otherwise been pushed to however.

It's good you are seeking help. Hopefully your therapist is relationship style neutral. I don't like the idea of anyone going to see a traditional relationship or poly friendly relationship therapist because both may have a tendency to preach their own beliefs whether intentional or not.

Take care and good luck in your journey
 
Well the one benefit that I am definitly getting currently is the love and support from my husband after having my heart broken. .

Sorry Vandalin, but I think she is looking at it from the perspective of being mono entering into a poly relationship..but I could be wrong:)
 
I am sensing that not only are you scared but angry also. Being in a "v" is not easy.

His wife takes presidence over you I am afraid and will, in my opinion, until he sorts his marriage out fully. I would think, from what I understand, that they have just worked it out and are sorting their own issues out.
Be careful and empathetic my friend. You might lose him if you lose patience and make demands. She came first and is the one he married. You would be better off looking into your heart and seeing what it is you hate about her and do your best to be friendly and hospitable. Often wives have the vito power and if you can't find it in your heart to play nice that might be what happens.

You are embarking on something huge and the likes you have never known... There will be new relationship rules that you get to lay out, but also they do, there will be far more time alone possibly than mono relationships, you will negotiate like never before and will communicate like never before. You will also love like never before! It will change your life from here on in.

Its your choice if you make that a positive change and learn from it or not.

Remember, she is not the enemy and poly is not the enemy. No one is the enemy, its just different than you are used to and may or may not be your path. Nothing more and nothing less.

I think mono is the only mono one on here that could help. Many of us have come from a similar place and all of us have had huge struggles at times with living life this way. Most, if not all, have been mono ourselves.

Your man is asking you to step up to the plate, as is his wife.

Good luck! Keep being honest and open as that is where to start.

Mono's going to be jealous! He doesn't get me half as much as you are getting your man! Think yourself lucky! Infact! Think yourself lucky that you are experiencing life! This path has been laid before you for a reason. I, for one, wonder what that reason is and how you intend to use it for the better good.?
 
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I am sensing that not only are you scared but angry also. Being in a "v" is not easy.?

Yes, scared and angry are it. I was married at age 19 for 10 years to a controling abusive man who cheated on me with the next door neighbor while I was at work stating that if he couldn't get what he wanted from me (sexually) then he is more than allowed to go get it somewhere else. I have escaped that but the cheating, not good enough, I'll get it where ever I want because you are a loser feelings still haunt me.
 
Yes, I am looking for benefits of being mono in a poly relationship.

Being mono in a poly relationship has pushed me to develop my communication skills like never before. It has taught me the value of radical honesty and maintaining connection through actually "talking" with the woman I love. It has also allowed me to have a wonderful "chosen" family.

Here's the thing, once those lesson are learned and skills developed they can be applied to any relationship dynamic. I know I am a better partner than I ever could have become in my mono relationship. These are transferable, however. So what are the long term benefits to being in a poly relationship as a mono? For me it is about getting to love a woman I would not otherwise have had the opportunity. That is the one benefit that I could not have if she wasn't poly.

Wow..you do get your man a lot! Redpepper would get bored though..KIDDING Lilo!!
 
Mono....don't you miss her and hate being alone so much?

The ability to be alone and happy is one I worked at and didn't develop for 37 years. I spent Xmas alone Last year and it was a wonderful and fulfilling time.

I miss Redpepper always, but I never feel completely without her. She resides in my heart no matter where she is. I also love her husband and take a great deal of pleasure in knowing she is with him and safe. I want them closer as a couple.

Their relationship is easy for me because ultimately I want their family to thrive even if it costs me in the end. I love her so much I simply want her to be happy and fulfilled within her marriage and family. That is why I have no jealousy for what they have.

I love myself now..grudgingly because of my past but still I do. I am never alone
 
As I consider the question of "the advantages of polyamory," the main thing that comes to mind is that it isn't necessarily the best question to ask. There are advantages to both monogamy and polyamory. But the more urgent question, to me, is what are the advantages of a non-possessive versus a possessive style of loving?

What is it to be possessive? http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/possessive

What is a possession? http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/possession

A possession is a kind (or form) of property.

Now, it is conceivable that a couple could choose a monogamous love-style without choosing to behave as if the other was their property, or possession. But often monogamous people treat one another as property or possession without any thought that that's exactly what they are doing.

A piece of property, or a possession, essentially, is something under our control. To control is "to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command."

Such control is usually manifested by a rule or an agreement.: You may do this but not do that."

Well, there's nothing intrinsically unloving about establishing agreements, even rules of acceptable and non-acceptable behavior. But, surely, most of us would agree that some relationship agreements (rules) amount to a kind of abuse which is unloving. Some partners feel they have a right to limit who (or what sex of person) one may choose as a close friend! How loving is that?!? Some are so possessive and fearful (insecure) that they will disallow even intimate non-sexual relationships. "You must love only me, and no others!" How loving is that? It's certainly controlling, possessive, dominating!

Most of us, if our partners insisted that we can't form other intimate freindships, would refuse to follow such a silly and absurd rule. We'd quit a relationship of that sort. But somehow most folks think it is appropriate to impose limitations on HOW we can express or experience love and intimacy with others. We typically do this, I believe, because we secretly believe that, in order for our relationship to be "special" it must also be unique in how we experience and express affection and warmth. We don't want to lose the "specialness," and so we want to restrict our lovers in their expression and experience of intimacy with others -- by refusing them the freedom to express or experience physical intimacy. Or even, in some cases, emotional bonding!

But this "logic" doesn't work for most polyamorous folk. It seems faulty, erronious, manipulative, controlling, fearful. We'd rather trust that our partners can love others fully, however they will, so long as we are also being loved. So a major advantage, I think, of polyamory, is trust. Our trust in the love of our lovers is larger, more expansive. And we trust our love-bonds well enough to not respond with fear or anxiety if our lover also loves another--however expressed. Or, if we find ourselves feeling insecure or fearful about our lovers' love of another, we inquire within to see--well, Why? And we find that there are no good reasons to fear this additional love, so we learn, often gradually, to open up and fear less. The result, often, is growing, not shrinking love with our partners.
 
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I've been working on possession myself; in past relationships I have hated feeling like a possession. I had a bf once who used to accuse me of sleeping with the neighbors when he would come home and I wasn't there. I also had another bf who used to freak out if I was gone at my friends house for what he thought was "too" long.

It's tough because even though I have been on the receiving end of possessive people, I can't help but have some of those tendencies myself. I have control issues and sometimes I catch myself wanting to dictate what my partner can and can't do simply because I feel left out or something.

It's important to see him for who he is, not some fantasy, idealistic possession. When you can see a person as the individual they are, the WHOLE person, it is easier to allow them, no - GRACE them with freedom. I can preach this all I want, putting it into practice is a little more difficult because I tend to fall back into my conditioned state of jealousy.

There is a book called "Facing Love Addiction" and if you can get over the Narcotics Anonymous type of talk in it, it has some fascinating ideas on what it means to be in a healthy relationship and steps you can take to know your true self and value yourself, indeed LOVE yourself so that you continue or re-enter a relationship in a healthy way - or decide if you should even be in the relationship.

I find it helpful because I need to know if I can continue in my own relationship with my poly bf, or leave it behind.
 
Yes, I am looking for benefits of being mono in a poly relationship.
If you are just looking for stuff in the "Pro" section, you could try:
1) You get to be with this person you love.
2) There is a much less of an issue of cheating since he is being honest with who he is sleeping with. (That assumes the damage of cheating is the lieing, not the sex itself.)
3) You are able to be part of a larger poly family. You will have more people in your life that feel like family. You may or may not hit it off with his wife as friends. But who knows, maybe you will become good friends with someone his wife dates?
4) You know he is with you because he wants to be with you, not because he "settled" or made some committment long ago. He will not leave you for another woman because you are not limiting him. So the only reason for you two not to be together is because you have grown apart.
5) You get to go to poly meetings and act cool and hip. You can be in on the "in" jokes and have a nice scandelous story for them vanilla people. :)
 
JRiver- Sorry for the misunderstanding. I have read many of your posts regarding conditioned monogamy. Maybe it's just the way they're worded or maybe it's just because so much meaning is lost in text versus one-to-one convo. I was simply worried people coming from a mono standpoint who are TRULY mono may read your posts and start thinking "What's wrong with ME for not being able to do this?" Or consider settling into a lifestyle they are not truly comfortable with. There is no better type of relationship or better pairing of one type of person versus another. There is only a good relationship in which all involved have their needs met or a bad one in which one or more partners are neglected or abused.
 
I was simply worried people coming from a mono standpoint who are TRULY mono may read your posts and start thinking "What's wrong with ME for not being able to do this?" Or consider settling into a lifestyle they are not truly comfortable with. .


Good work.:D
 
JRiver- Sorry for the misunderstanding. I have read many of your posts regarding conditioned monogamy....

Well, surely we all must recognize that there is a lot of "conditioning" we receive from the dominant culture concerning what love is and is not, and what is considered right and wrong, etc. I just shrug when I hear people in here say that their "natural" monos--as if there were a genetic basis for it or something! Some folks in here believe there are "natural monos" and "natural polys" and then there are others, supposedly, who just have to work through their conditioning to become whatever is "natural" for them.

Probably, gay people are "born that way". I've always been dual attracted (bi)--with a bit more attraction to guys, generally. And this is something we queer folk discover about ourselves, not something we decide or are conditioned into. There's a strong case for a bilogical basis for sexual orientation -- although there's a lot yet to learn about that.

But the "conditioning" we receive meant to make us into monos is simply OBVIOUS. All we have to do is pay attention to movies, radio songs, television, friends, family..., and it will be plain as day. If any of us received that much "conditioning" to ensure that we were racist or sexist, we'd probably BE that. And if we began to wake up to the fact of that conditioning, and to question those assumptions and attitudes, we'd have to work hard to get free of it, most likely. So it's not as if we have a simple neutrual choice, mono vs poly! Becoming free to love more than one person, or to bond with one who does, means swimming upstream, against a strong current.

Let's face it, polyamory is TABOO in this culture. Very. And, to my way of thinking, that taboo is an -ism like sexism, racism, heterosexism, ageism.... That is, it is a harmful kind of bigotry and ignorance. It is a form of social injustice.

But this in no way means that the reverse prejudice is valid. Monogamy, per se, is not an "-ism" of this bigoted sort. It's a relationship style choice, like polyamory.

I have never opposed monogamy in insisting that it is the default "conditioned" mode of thinking and attitude about romantic relationships. I have no gripe against monogamy or monogamists. My target is monogam-ism.
 
Thank you. If any other mongamous people out there are involved in a Polyamorous relationship would please share you coping strategies I would really appreciate it. I do not want to lose him. I connected with HIM and want to have a relationship with HIM. I did not sign on to have to have share him with his wife.

Hiya - just to say - I've just joined this group. My situation is I've been married 30 years, and I'm mono, but my husband appears to be poly. He's been kinda interested in others always - and I've always been threatened by it, hurt, jealous. But he never stopped loving me. I've just started getting curioius about poly, because he's fallen in love with someone. it's broken my heart, but nothing's changing so I think I gotta start facing up to it or leaving him, which I don't seem able to do.... I haven't got a lot of advice for you, as I'm just dipping my toe in myself - but I am learning that you can't change what is...

Good luck xx
 
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