I agree with talking about her like she isn`t here. Like parents fighting over whats right for their children.... while the child is right there. Not Good.
As for the rest,...Hate is hate. Self-loathing or otherwise. It`s destructive to both the person and the people around them. I can have compassion for why she feels the way she does, but not as a way to excuse it. I am grateful now, that nobody excused my behaviour when I felt much of that same hatred and venom long ago.
As for her 'controlling',..No,..not really my point. Thats but a bit of crust on the bread.
If I didn`t feel she had potential to get past this, I wouldnt bother with the online kick in the ass. I don`t feel much of a need to comment many times. I also don`t expect her to be happy or grateful for my remarks anytime soon. I know most of us that get that kick in the ass, usually react angrily for awhile afterwards.
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Raze : You are currently missing the point. I also object to your insinuations of why I say anything here. Try reading what is actually said, instead of inserting your own fantasy, soap opera. I already said why I think the words need to sting. You seem stuck on the hand-holding, and thinking I am pulling things out of context.
Let me try explaining this in a different way.
What I see, is people offering band-aid solutions to the symptom of a much bigger problem. Until that bigger problem is dealt with, this type of 'problem' with happen over, and over and over to her. It will keep bleeding.
Every little mistep with the men in her life, will cause her feelings of inadequacy to boil over.
You want to hand hold every time ? Go for it. She already has a husband and a bf who sooth her worries, but those worries are still there.
It is soothing, but ultimately not life-altering in the long run.
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Ok,..I am preparing for company, and away for many days after that. You will all need to practice throwing darts at my profile or something.
TeJoKo : This won`t be fixed over night, nor with coddling and hand holding. Please DO let yourself keep thinking and exploring,.....it`ll come,..with time.
TOTAL AGREEMENT! Sometimes a dose of salt is what the wound needs and coddling is THE worst methodology. Yes there is need for support and nurture but really bad behavior needs more than a hug to get to the root and eradicate the problem. SJ I have never observed you to be overly harsh in your advice/posts. If someone asks for an honest opinion about what is observed that doesn't mean diplomatically remove all evidence of the "truth seekers" wrong-doing in some politically correct pursuit of dealing with an issue. We need to know when we are making mistakes that are so obvious- sometimes an hysterical screaming person needs a wakeup slap to the forehead to snap out of it. There is an elephant in the room...why pretend it isn't there or call it something else?!
RP is right in that being vulnerable to your feelings is good. Dwelling on the negative for very long is destructive. Seeking advice is good, being overly sensitive about constructive commentary is bad. SJ has no ulterior motive or agenda here. Don't take it as such.
SNeacail makes a good point...having a differing opinion doesn't mean people want you to leave the forum. No one asked that. Just be really honest so that you get the best advice possible because we only know what you post, and do not take constructive criticism as negative. While the warm and fuzzy stuff is nice on here...I have only ever learned from the ones that kicked my ass and called me on the carpet for my behavior. Still learning those lessons!
TeJoKo keep posting. Keep learning. Keep focused on improving you and your life.
Bringing up shit I posted on a totally different topic just seeming for the purpose of rubbing it in my face?
Telling me that my emotions are manipulative!
Being told that I should just be happy that he used to care about me? WTF!?
Did she think this was actually going to help me in any way?
That harshness threw fuel on the fire that caused 3 days of severe depression. Salt was not what I fucking need. I get enough of that at home. Anyone who had actually READ my other posts should have known that.
Salt may clean wounds, but it hurts like a bitch and too much can damage tissue and delay healing.
Sometimes people will give you the answers you ask for...or need. They aren't aways the same as the ones you might want.Would it be 'manipulative', SJ, to say that your comments were really hurtful? I was really hoping for a place I could express my feelings without being personally attacked for them.
Life Stories and Blogs...less debate, more support.I was hoping for feedback, but supportive feedback, not such harsh feedback. I want a place to come and not further my depressive feelings.
Sometimes problems cannot be solved in isolation, when there’s other issues that factor into it. You have a lot of stuff going on...which people are being generous enough to try and help you out with, including SJ.Bringing up shit I posted on a totally different topic just seeming for the purpose of rubbing it in my face?
If you get more than you bargained for in the discussion type areas, ...it happens. You don’t need to love everyone, or everything they try to do. You don’t need to follow anyone’s advice. But you could at least acknowledge that they’re trying to help, and let them know what isn’t working for you. You might notice that SJ hasn’t replied to any of this since you mentioned how you felt.That harshness threw fuel on the fire that caused 3 days of severe depression. Salt was not what I fucking need. I get enough of that at home. Anyone who had actually READ my other posts should have known that.
SJ just answered a question...straight up. The only thing that would label her response as 'harsh' is that she used the words herself.I see nothing manipulative about crying privately in your bed, on the other hand I do see something very manipulative about someone who would use someone's comments (who already admitted to feeling the same way about themselves) against them in an unrelated thread.
I've just never been one to support bullying, even bullying with good intentions
It's not "manipulative" to say that. SJ did not do anything against the forum guidelines, and neither did you.
If you want a place to express your feelings without necessarily soliciting feedback, that is what Life Stories and Blogs is for. You might want to start a thread to use as a sounding-board there. Typically, when threads are in New to Poly or General Discussions, they are open to generating heated debate.
The road to hell is paved with what??RP is right in that being vulnerable to your feelings is good. Dwelling on the negative for very long is destructive. Seeking advice is good, being overly sensitive about constructive commentary is bad. SJ has no ulterior motive or agenda here. Don't take it as such.
TeJoKo - I am sorry that you have been going through this. I have often been criticized for my posts on here - even in my own blog. While I do believe that SJ and everyone else responded to your post with the honest intent of giving you advice, to answer your question, to show you support - you should never be made to feel that you don't belong on here. I left for two months for that exact reason. Some people think that pouring salt on a wound is helpful - and that might be the case for some. It is not, however, the case for all people - especially for people like you and myself who do suffer from depression. Not sure if people were aware of that beforehand - but regardless - I understand where the hurt came from. I truly do not feel that most people that are on here respond with the intent to hurt - but because of the varying degrees of personalities, experiences and points of view - it does happen.
Some people, like me, let emotions take over reason. Others can push emotions aside and deal with reason and reality. We all handle things differently and there is no one right way. We are all individuals who are here to seek advice, support and opinions. Some things we hear are going to hurt - but in the long run - they may be what we need to hear. Some opinions you need to take with a grain of salt and move on.
Please don't leave - you can and will find support on here. I agree with the others that Life Stories and Blogs would be a good place for you.
I'm with Mono - feel free to PM me if you need to. We are in different circumstances poly-wise - but I do understand depression, anxiety and sensitive emotions.
Hang in there - you're not alone and you are wanted on the boards!
Take care - Kat