How did I get here & Where am I going?

Lots of hugs here. Ive not finished reading, I'm only up to page 8 and I really enjoy the way you think, and write. Please keep it up !
 
Ive finished reading, and I'd really like to know where you are now.

I hope you have a moment to write down you feelings and your thinking here. Even if there's no "news" as such, what are you thinking? What are you processing?
 
Emptiness...

It’s been a while since the last post...and I’m not sure if I’ve actually done much about the personal inventory or whatnot...I’ve mostly been in a bit of a funk, kinda listless, and procrastinating. I don’t think it’s by any means the sole and direct result of the breakup with my gf. I don’t deny that might have been a contributing factor, but there have also been a lot of other elements that also contributed. A year of my job sucking for example...and somewhere along the line I think I might have a mid-life crisis scheduled. It’s possible the accident resulted in a quick trailer preview of that episode. I’ve been mostly sculling about the house getting fat...er, dumb, and not really happy. Not with myself anyways.


Life goes on and I’ve just been treading water I guess, keeping up appearances. My wife has been awesome, but I think she’s about fed up with me...and would rather I got out of the house and started living again or something. I’ve been staying at home a lot while she goes out with her friends and her extra-curricular activities...and like a typical wife and mother, starts feeling all guilty that she’s having fun and I’m at home. Silly rabb...er...wifey. But for the most part, I’ve enjoyed being at home. One of the few sources of pure joy I’ve had these days is the kids. They’re growing up into pure awesome. My son isn’t even 8, and already has more charisma and mojo than I ever had. My daughter is going to be very strong willed and independent pirate princess...assuming I ever let her out of the dungeon... and the both of them are smart enough to make my wife and I look like idiots one day. (Probably the same day they out us to the in-laws.) I’ve spent enough time away from home in recent years that I think I’m just making up for lost time before I get called away again.


In most respects though...I seem to have lost the spark. The driving force that allows me to focus in on whatever I’m working on at the time. It’s happened on different things over the years...gaming, girls (especially the one who would become my wife), my job (until it started to suck), unicorn hunting, poly, ...I don’t think I get to add guitar since I still suck so bad I can’t say I ever focused on it. It’s not an exhaustive or complete list, but nothing right now really fires me up the way it used to. Not in the positive ways anyways. There’s still lots of things that’ll piss me off ...but that just means I’m probably still breathing, and lately I’ve been less hesitant about acting on that...which is a positive since it means I apparently starting care about something again. (Thanks to SG for helping me out with this one)


So last night my wife kicked me out of the house to attend the local 101...and while initially hesitant, I ended up being very glad she did. To my surprise they were still checking in when I got there, talking about what was going on in their lives, and asking of the universe to manifest...I’m not sure I entirely understood it. I don’t really talk to the universe...or ask it for anything...unless it has to do with lottery tickets. There were several full or filling cup analogies being used...which at a pub is very appropriate given the state of ones beer glass. As usual I didn’t say much...as I missed most of the sharing, and there was a few people I didn’t know as well as others, and if I started I might not have shut up. So I kept it to myself, but the analogy struck a chord that stuck with me for the rest of the night, so I figured I’ll just sleep on it and share it here instead...on a public...forum, full of ...virtual ...people, and anonymous... google... ... search... ... ... strangers....hmm, something about this plan wasn’t very well thought through, was it?!


I had been operating under the impression that I needed to figure out my priorities. After the breakup with K, there were still many things in my life to occupy my time and energies. I haven’t been in a big rush to fill the gap as it were with another relationship. Unlike a couple years ago, the prospect of cruising OKC for possible dates just doesn’t seem like something I need to spend time on. I don’t seem to have an insatiable need of, “I’m poly, so therefore I must have at least two partners at all times!” But still the time and energy I had been spending on my relationship with K was available for redistribution between friends, hobbies, vocations, entertainment, or whatever. So all I needed to do was re-sort these things into a new set of priorities and carry on. But it hasn’t been working out that way. Is it because there’s no spark to motivate me? Have I still not let go of the past? Do I even deserve to move on? Is what I have left to give even worth anything to anyone else? Whenever I’ve tried to re-organize anything, I’ve quickly been overwhelmed by the sense of there being too many projects or directions, and I don’t know where to start. It’s kind of like my office, or the basement...it’s a bloody mess. It’s so full, that takes a long time to figure out not only where to start, but even how to find the space to organize anything, very much like Towers of Hanoi.


And that’s where the discussions about everyone enjoying their full cups really hit me...tell me if you’ve heard this one before...
A university professor went to visit a famous Zen master. While the master quietly served tea, the professor talked about Zen. The master poured the visitor's cup to the brim, and then kept pouring.

The professor watched the overflowing cup until he could no longer restrain himself.

"It's overfull! No more will go in!" the professor blurted.

"You are like this cup," the master replied, "How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup."
Like the Universe, I don’t really understand Zen either. But the point that struck home was that I have too many priorities, opinions, assumptions, distractions, feelings, residuals, hang-ups, routines, desires, fears, fantasies, insecurities, plans, etc...just a mass of mental clutter. I need to empty my cup.
(Thanks to the 101 folks for talking about their relationships with beer!)


I saw K around Christmas, and I’ve occasionally seen glimpses into what challenges she’s been meeting over the last couple months through social networking. I still get twinges of regret that I’m not in a position to help her out with any of it. But it’s a journey she needs to take, and I think it’s pretty clear now that I’m not a part of that venture. The path she needs to take isn’t really one that I would be able to, or truth be told, want to follow. There’s been no resolution per se as to actions, or discussions about how our romantic relationship ended, and it could be there never will be. Time has passed, and I’ve done whatever processing and grieving I’ve needed to do. The anger and hurt has passed with it. What’s been left unsaid can probably remain so indefinitely. All I can go is let her go with love and my best wishes for her future. I remain her friend with concern for her well being, and I’ll always be grateful for our time together, the love we shared, and everything I’ve been able to learn from her, and our relationship. And I continue to hope that my presence in her life is similarly positive.

I am Jack’s Emptier Cup

What’s next?

I think I’ll be carrying on with this for a while...wash, rinse, repeat, until I can say “I am Jack’s Empty Cup!” If it’s anything like previous occasions that I’ve done a Ten Year overhaul, it’ll also mean some new clothes, and a new hat. Maybe I’ll get to the end of this and actually have something to offer another person again, or be worth another person loving again.
(I should clarify that this isn’t self-deprecation for the sake of attention whoring, gaining pity party points, or suggesting I’m broken or damaged. And this isn’t based on the breakup or other recent events. It’s from well before that, a cumulative collection of crap from a lifetime of experiences, not all of which have been resolved. I am Jack’s sense of severe disappointment and disgust at his own reflection. )

My wife is a dear and seems to love me no matter what...but that’s what she gets for marrying so far beneath herself. There won’t be much I can do to change that, but perhaps I can at least narrow the gap a little. And there I go filling the damn cup again...yeah, this might take a while.


This brings me around to another element of eastern philosophy I’ve always found interesting, but only sometimes understand.

Miyamoto Musashi said:
The meaning of emptiness is that the realm where nothing exists, or cannot be known, is seen as empty. Of course emptiness does not exist. By knowing what exists, you can know that which does not exist. That is emptiness.

People in this world look at things mistakenly, and think that what they do not understand must be emptiness. This is not true emptiness. It is delusion.

...

What you believe in often proves to be contrary to the true way, distorted as it is by personal biases and the individual warps in your vision. Know this well, and try to act with forthrightness as the foundation and keep the true Heart as the Way.

...

Then you will come to see things in an all-encompassing sense and, taking emptiness as the Way, you will see the Way as emptiness.

In emptiness is virtue, and no evil. Wisdom exists, principle exists, the way exists, mind is Empty.

So that’s the plan:

Step 1. Empty my Cup.

Step 2.?? (Maybe this is somewhere along the line when I’m worth loving again...perhaps some lovely’s will find me interesting enough to try dating. And maybe my wife will want to keep me around again instead of kicking me out. ;) )

Step 3. Profit! ...or I guess in my case...Lube!
 
There’s still lots of things that’ll piss me off ...but that just means I’m probably still breathing, and lately I’ve been less hesitant about acting on that...which is a positive since it means I apparently starting care about something again. (Thanks to SG for helping me out with this one)
The first read of this, I read it like I was helpful in pissing you off. LOL.....'Pissing people off effectively, since 1976,.....' ;)

I had no idea you could play guitar as poorly as me. I sing even worse. Let`s jam with earplugs sometime.
 
The first read of this, I read it like I was helpful in pissing you off. LOL.....'Pissing people off effectively, since 1976,.....' ;)

I had no idea you could play guitar as poorly as me. I sing even worse. Let`s jam with earplugs sometime.

Yeah, no....that was in reference to a bunch of stuff in the two paragraphs before...not about making me cranky.

And making beaut...er, horrible musi....er, noise together sounds like great fun! :)
 
II,

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. Your description of feeling like you have lost your mojo reminds me of myself several years ago. I too lost interest in just about everything, had no sexual spark, work was tedious and I felt trapped. This is when my relationship with Beaker started to fray.

There was a lot going on in my life that contributed but part of it was that my hormones were fucked up. Hormonal issues can cause what you describe experiencing or they can make a difficult time in life worse by eroding physical and emotional resilience. Have you had your hormones checked? Men go through hormonal changes too. Just a thought and I wish you the best.
 
I wish I could hear more from a mans point of view. My guy is really good about reassuring me that he loves me and will never leave me butit is hard as a woman to not feel " lees than" at times. He has more than a few women and it gets hard when I am alone alot. Thanks for sharing all of your hard work. It has made me feel much more optimistic about my relationship with him. Keep up the good work!
 
There was a lot going on in my life that contributed but part of it was that my hormones were fucked up. Hormonal issues can cause what you describe experiencing or they can make a difficult time in life worse by eroding physical and emotional resilience. Have you had your hormones checked? Men go through hormonal changes too. Just a thought and I wish you the best.
I'm hoping it's not that...I'm sure they'll get checked next time around at the doc's, but I'm not concerned enough about it to try justify a special trip.


I wish I could hear more from a mans point of view. My guy is really good about reassuring me that he loves me and will never leave me butit is hard as a woman to not feel " lees than" at times. He has more than a few women and it gets hard when I am alone alot. Thanks for sharing all of your hard work. It has made me feel much more optimistic about my relationship with him. Keep up the good work!
I'm not sure what else specifically you'd like to hear about. Although I'm wondering if it's similar to reassurances I've made to my wife from time to time. Particularly at the beginning I realized that there shouldn't be a concern about "being replaced". Poly allows for the "as well as", vice "instead of".
Of course, logic, reason and discussion don't always do much to quell a lifetime of programming to the contrary.
At any rate, thanks for the feedback and support.
 
Just had a lovely evening hanging out with the lovely poly folks in Winnipeg. I don't feel so bad about not being able to attend the one back home, and was able to get some pics to send back.

Not much else I can say right now, I need to get some sleep before the flight tomorrow. Hope everyone is enjoying their own slice of awesome.
 
I'm just sitting by my onesies at Shout! House i San Diego. Pla A & B didn't work out with meeting the local poly folks, but I'd be damned if that was going to keep me away from the dueling piano's. The show's only been on 5 minutes and it's already awesome.

Ok, I was going to share a clarification or ephiphany or something from the last couple days, but for now, I need to clap along with the "Devil Came Down to Georgia"

Cherers All!
 
I totally read that as "I'm sitting here IN my onesies" :D
 
So refreshing to read a blog where the love for one's partner is SO evident.
I can't often see that, although one could assume it is there.

Lovely !
 
But WHY is the Rum Gone?

Following should have been posted in March, like 6 weeks ago:

So it’s been a whirlwind few weeks, and I’ve discovered that the best way to make a cup empty is to fill it with pineapple juice and Rum! Any cup so filled roundly becomes empty. :D


No, this is not advocating that alcohol is a solution. (Though it still maintains it’s status as a social lubricant to some extent. And you all know how much I like...wait for it... LUBE!!!)


Anyways, I’ve been away from home for a few weeks, and spent most of it not really concentrating on anything of importance to do with Poly for the most part. I did get to meet a bunch of the lovely poly folk in Winnipeg who were fun, accommodating and friendly, slightly beyond my expectations. It was really nice being able to discuss things poly and not with people who weren’t already familiar with me, or the details; to get a fresh perspective on things whether they agreed with previous assessments or not. And it was awesome to again see what familiar elements favour or plague other communities, and how they deal with it. It becomes both comfort of not being alone in the trials and tribulations of life, as well as a source of solutions, either reliable or novel.

My only regret there being that the meeting was near the end of the week, so there wasn’t time to follow up on anything afterwards. This however is not uncommon with amount of time I usually have for visiting other communities.


The experience was mostly repeated in Calgary, although I keep giving Freetime the gears for not making an appearance. (Valid reasons and all, but that doesn’t need to stop me from ribbing him about it) I’ve been keeping a close eye on this group, having known some of the people involved in previous (now defunct) attempts at forming poly groups in that town. It was really cool finally being able to connect on a more personal level than the usual electronic correspondence allows.

And I really can’t deny that it was good to be back with my people. Not just the poly’s, but people from my home town, and also my friends whom have been my support since childhood. There’s a lot of time these days that I feel quite muzzled, and it’s a gratifying freedom on occasion to know the people across the table will actually understand what I’m saying without an undue amount of explanation, or the risk of being lynched. Each year that passes, things like this make me realize the reason my wife never wants to go back.

Although that too is passing as the city and the culture continue to develop and morph away from what I remember. Not necessarily for the worse, but different. But my friends are more constant...and a cherished resource to be able to draw on. I think they remain the only group of people who truly understand who I am...a very select group indeed with whom I can me myself without reservation, disguise, or pretence. (And now anyone who knows my on the coast is going to wonder what kind of hidden subversive monster I am...which isn’t really the case. It’s more about me being comfortable enough to really relax in company, rather than anything I’d be consciously trying to hide) My regrets there are that I might not have done as right by them as I’d like. But that’s another story.


The last week of my trip I went down to San Diego, but unfortunately there were no community events that week, and plan B & C didn’t really work out either as I didn’t previously know anyone from there. So I was mostly left to my own devices. Fortunately I love San Diego and know my way around enough to keep myself entertained. It turned out to be a good opportunity to finally have some thoughts to myself. Breakfast burrito’s & mimosas in old town in the morning, touring around during the day, walking around in summer gear in +15C weather and giggling at the locals with their parkas, sweaters and mittens. Basking in the pool & hottub at the hotel with a drink and surrounded by palm trees. Yeah, it didn’t suck. And it allowed me time to just let go...I mean really, rum, pineapple juice, warm water, palm trees, sunshine…seriously how could anyone ruin that by trying to hold on to negative thoughts or emotions? The effort was just so not worth it.


I doubt that I’m terribly different now that I’m at home, but I feel better about a lot of things.
 
Aftermath of the Hangover

Most of the above was a few more weeks ago now. My time at home since the trip has been decidedly better. I’ve still haven’t been too worried about myself, but have taken time to start making little changes around me. I started with the baggage...

No, not the emotional kind...actual boxes of old clothes, toys, housewares, books, and assorted junk that’s been polluting my basement since high school baggage! It’s been a disaster down there for years, and I’ve carried it across four different houses, 20 years, and two cities. It was time for a lot of it to go away.

And then there’s the IT infrastructure at home...most people might have a couple computers, laptops and a printer...but I used to be a programmer in my previous life, so my home network has more computers than the house has people, lizards and fish combined! Some of the machines have also been around for almost 20 years, and are having a hard time being relevant these days. So it’s been time to clean them up, and make way for a couple newer machines that can actually play all the games I’ve bought in the last couple years but couldn’t actually run. (My wife kept trying to get rid of me, sending me out even though I didn’t have anyone to date. Turned out she just doesn’t want me in the living room, so games will give me a good excuse to disappear into the office...she probably just wants some privacy for her naughty sexting with her gf or something)

It shouldn’t be a big deal I suppose, probably as profound as a mediocre FB status update, but I’ve found the whole process somewhat cleansing. Dumping out all the old stuff and reorganizing the home around me to a better semblance of function is basically a physical representation of the similar mental shift I needed to figure out who I am now, rather than holding onto all the old versions of who I was.

There’s still a ways to go. As with any project of this magnitude it’s an ongoing process. There’s still shelves to be reorganized, and some other corners to be cleaned, and the new server machine is being shy about showing it’s hard drives to the installer. Likewise I still have some personal projects to sort out, like the 5 year plan, which less expensive hobbies I still want to keep, and eventually I’m going to have to look at possibly dating again. That last one is as daunting as ever...although possibly for different reasons... especially since I pretty much know most of the poly ladies around the community now... or more to the point, they all know me. :rolleyes:

Maybe I’ll save dating until then next time I change cities.
 
Time for a Fix....

I’ve been aware for a while that one of the issues that we have with the blogs here is that they often only contain the negatives, baggage, and agony of people unloading their problems, issues, concerns whenever they hit a low point in their poly journey. And it makes sense...when things are bad, people need to vent. When things are well, isn’t it just more pleasant to bask in the afterglow rather than write about it? I don’t see it being a general trend that is liable to be reversed anytime soon, and I can’t promise that this blog would be any different, but I figure I can at least try to buck the trend a bit.

In terms of a poly context...I should say things are going fine. I don’t know if that part really counts since I’m still running mono at the moment...but I keep reminding myself about the toasters. (You don’t get a toaster by bringing people into poly) Similarly, it’s not like anyone will take away my poly card for being quite satisfied with just one partner for a while.

At this point I think I’m comfortable figuring that it’s very likely that poly is an option for me, not a necessity. I lived long enough as a good little mono to know I have the self-control to suppress my baser urges and my wife was perfect for me that I wasn’t lacking for anything that couldn’t have been found amoung friends of the not so intimate variety. Indeed the complications of dating was something I was never good at when I was single...so how insane would I have to be to seek it out again! Especially when it’s so far from the norm as to push an already difficult process into the realm of the absurd?!

No. I don’t need poly. But I do wantz it! I choose poly, very deliberately, as part of my life. I like having the freedom to allow relationships to develop without the artificial restrictions that I used to place on them. I like the freedom to not be the all singing all dancing one man band for my partner(s). (Especially dancing, I never understood why someone who said she loved me, seemed to think I should humiliate myself in public by imitating a deformed road kill chicken going through shock therapy!) And like any fool should, having tasted freedom, I have no intention of going back to a world without. (Bwaaawk!)

Yet, I’m in no rush to find more partners. I keep an eye out, and occasionally message some possibilities, but I’m not invested in making anything happen. Which for the most part, is far more relaxing.

So mostly, I’ve been finding poly’s or people open to it who have not yet come around to the local communities. Sometimes people just need to know someone before showing up in a room full of strangers to talk about intimacy...I can digg it. There’s still no toasters, but like the forum, I prefer to do what I can to make the community stronger. And I keep my friends, and keep trying to make new ones, but try to keep it free of intention or expectation of anything more. Less disappointment, and less pressure, more enjoyment. Rawk on! It’s the first time in a while I’ve have friends that I think about when I’m away doing other things, whom I look forward to seeing again after a time, and perhaps most telling is friends who reach out to me once in a while, and seem just as eager to see me. Perhaps a little thing, but the difference it makes to me, isn’t.

Ok, so not spectacular, exciting, paint the town red kind of stuff, but also not something that I have to put up a disclaimer about putting away sharp objects before reading either.
 
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