Which way to turn?

Panda was one of the few that Karma introduced me to that I had anything in common with. Cookie seems more like my type of people. Just the way she handles things, the things she likes to do, her thought processes. She deals with things head on instead of hiding from them. That's my big thing. I need to know how to handle conflict with someone. And Cookie seems to handle things relativley the same way I do.

She wants to eventualy have a friendship, but she's not sure how much of the three of us spending time together she is up for. I think that may be disapointing for Karma. But I also think that if she and I enjoy spending time together, her view on that may change.

I'm stuck on the part where she wants to have a friendship with me, not as Karmas wife. Obviously I am my own person, but he is such a huge part of my life I'm not competely sure how to seperate that.

The nice thing though, is there's no rush to solve it. I don't feel like this is a problem that must immediatly be dealt with. I feel much more at ease that it'll work itself out in time.

I'm also discovering more about myself. I had a random though a little bit ago. If I were to go away for a weekend and Karma were to stay home, I don't know that it would bother me for her to stay here. Which is odd to me, because it's always been MY house MY bed, the one thing I won't share is MY bed. But I just don't feel like I care with Cookie.

That may change. I dunno. It seems that doing it the 'right' way for the first time has as much of a learning curve as the doing it the 'wrong' way did.
 
That may change. I dunno. It seems that doing it the 'right' way for the first time has as much of a learning curve as the doing it the 'wrong' way did.

Interesting isn't that? I found that this time around when hubs was starting this new relationship, he was doing everything in the right fashion, and there still were tons of things that came up-- mostly because we'd never REALLY done it the right way before.

And I think that with each new person that comes in there are new challenges or questions or communications that have to happen. I could see how with some people I wouldn't want them in my bed when I wasn't there, and with some people that wouldn't be an issue. So in a sense it seems like a lot of these little things will have to be negotiated each time, not once for everybody.
 
I hate summer!!!! I have not been out of this house for more than an hour in weeks. Karma is at the carnival with Cookie and I so want to go. I love fairs and carnivals. I couldn't go tonight because Cokkie's family is there and they don't know Karma is married. And tonight was the coolest and least humid night to go.

Oh well it's not like we had the money to do anything anyway. So I'm cleaning instead.

Cabin fever is kicking in big time. I want to find a class or something I can do that does not involve being stuck in the house and it all costs money. There's a local jazzercise but it's like $20 a class. I think when the school opens the pool and fitness center for the fall, I go with Karma and swim while he's in class. That saves on gas and gets me doing something free and active.

I just cannot wait until the temp is reasonable again. I'm getting irritable and taking it out on Karma. So I just watch tv all day so I stay out of his way, and it's too much like what it used to be.

But it's not, I want to leave the damn house and I can't. I want to go do things with him but we can't afford to do anything. When it comes down to us doing something or saving that money so he can have the gas to go see cookie, I choose to save the money.

So I guess once again it's my fault that I'm feeling disconnected from him.

Sorry I just really needed to rant.
 
Mo, how often is he going out with Cookie? I mean, I figure once per week is enough....maybe twice. PERSONALLY, more than that is too much unless you are living together with her. Kandy already said that if I were to start seeing a woman as much as Karma is Cookie, there would be issues. LOL But I really don't have that issue. (Havent been on a date in a LOOOONG time now with anyone but Kandy :D )

Maybe Karma is still caught up in the NRE, and maybe you could have still gone to the carnival without arousing suspicion. This would have also marked your first meeting with Cookie. Wouldn't it have? Bummer. :( Best of luck in the near future.
 
Mo, how often is he going out with Cookie? I mean, I figure once per week is enough....maybe twice. PERSONALLY, more than that is too much unless you are living together with her. Kandy already said that if I were to start seeing a woman as much as Karma is Cookie, there would be issues. LOL But I really don't have that issue. (Havent been on a date in a LOOOONG time now with anyone but Kandy :D )

Maybe Karma is still caught up in the NRE, and maybe you could have still gone to the carnival without arousing suspicion. This would have also marked your first meeting with Cookie. Wouldn't it have? Bummer. :( Best of luck in the near future.

They see eachother once or twice a week, tuesdays and a weekend day. Mostly due to finances it'll cut to once a week until school loans come in. So it isn't really all that often.

He saw Cricket 3-5 times a week with a few of those being movie nights or something we all did together. Cookie doesn't really want that type of relationship. At least not yet. She's okay seeing where things go as far as she and I being friends but she isn't sure how she feels about all three of us doing things together. Which I can respect, she wasn't sure about all of this from the begining and just as it was hard for me to see him hug, kiss, hold hands with someone else, I'm sure it would be awkward to see your b/f do that with his wife.

The carnival was a family event and her sisters do know, dad doesn't. None of us want to lie about it and she isn't ready to tell him, so it was best to not give the chance for questions.

I honestly don't mind the time, even if it were more. Especialy when school starts. My classes are all online and I'll be glad to have him out of the house while I do school stuff. What bothers me is they get to do fun stuff and I go stir crazy. And when he is home, he's playing video games and I'm on the computer. So there's no quality time, fun stuff going on. We've never 'dated' and so it bothers me sometimes that other women get fun courting Karma and I get video games and household stuff Karma. He fails at planning dates, he'll be the first to admit it, he doesn't plan ahead, he's very go with the flow. And I've always known that. It's not like he wouldn't do things with me, I just have to find something indoors, cheap and close by.

I think most of it is just cabin fever. I just spent an hour looking up free or nearly free things Karma and I can do together that is indoors. We have no a/c in either car and the air quality here is shit. So I can only go outside on low air days when the humidity isn't high. And due to meds I can't handle direct sun or heat for too long so I'm stuck here.

Every year about this time my depression kicks up and this year I finaly figured out why. Being stuck in the house I get bored and then my brain goes into overdrive. Cabin fever at it's best.

I get jealous that she (any she, two yrs ago it was panda, last year cricket, this yr cookie) can go out and do things with him and if I even think about going outside it's like a bad vampire movie. And I don't want to go sit at a friends house cuz that's just as boring so I might as well just sit here in my Pj's and at least be comfy in my bored.

It's not Karmas fault. He does what he can to entertain me and to make things easier for me.

I'm feeling better about it now that I did all that research. Found a ton of things we can do for free or close to it and it's indoors and close by.

Mostly it's just readjusting to him dating. I don't do well with change. I need my routines, and dating someone new brings a change in my routine and I need to readjust.

So it's a combo of readjusting, cabin fever and wanting to do fun things with him.
 
So in a sense it seems like a lot of these little things will have to be negotiated each time, not once for everybody.

Yep! And it's not somethin I realised. Everyone is different, so certain boundries, rules, thoughts are not going to work. Definitaly a lesson learned.

This why communication is so important. Because it's not always going to work the sameway and sometimes you won't realise until it happens.

Like my shower trigger. It was a trigger because he had cheated with Cricket. Because Cookie is out in the open I'd prefer he come home and get in the shower.

When we talked about it the other night you could see the lightbulb in his brain. But until I said something, he had no way of knowing the rule had changed until I voiced it.

And the bed thing, you're totaly right. I think it's comfort level. I had no problem with Panda being in my bed. And as long as the sheets get changed, no issue with Cookie being there. But I didn't have that comfort level with Cricket, so I wasn't okay with her being in my bed.

It's very interesting to me the way comfort levels effect boundries and triggers.
 
And the bed thing, you're totaly right. I think it's comfort level. I had no problem with Panda being in my bed. And as long as the sheets get changed, no issue with Cookie being there. But I didn't have that comfort level with Cricket, so I wasn't okay with her being in my bed.

It's very interesting to me the way comfort levels effect boundries and triggers.

I think sometimes gut instinct kicks in. We may not immediately recognize it and sometimes we second guess it. But I'm finding now that usually when I'm not comfortable with someone or things don't feel right there's almost alwYs a pretty good reason. I'm done with not trusting my instincts.
 
Since we have to keep our budget tight for the next few weeks and I'm going crazy locked in the house, I've decided to make the best of it. Karma is saving gas by only going to see Cookie once this week and possibly not again until school loans or a job come through. She's being very understanding of this and I really appreciate it.

So since we're stuck here, were going to get back to the ballet/pilates workouts. We laid off for awhile due to life and fibro flares, but we're gonna get back on them. What the hell else are we gonna do? It's better than sitting around.

I'm also going to get back on working on me. I've made a lot of progress and the fact that I haven't let the recent stressors put me back to a place of deep deppression is something I'm proud of. But I want to keep it that way.

And in doing this I'm realising that while I don't think I'm completely mono, I don't feel I'm poly either. I have no issue with Karma seeing Cookie or anyone else. I understand it.And there may be a day when someone comes a long that I'm interested in. But I get all my needs met in this relationship. I don't feel like I am missing anything or that there is a desire to meet someone else. I'm not closed to the idea, but it's not a pressing point either.

But I guess it just lends back to my disagreement with labels in general. I don't need to label myself as poly or mono or anything else. I'm me. And I like the me I am becoming more and more everyday.
 
I have one cigarette left and I think I'm gonna freeze it and leave it there for an emergency. One thing good about being broke-I have to quit smoking and drinking pop.

Karma is out with Cookie tonight. And I need to get a workout in.

Nothing else too exciting going on.
 
Spent the evening with Cookie - she made me a sammich when I got hungry
<3
 
I have a deep dislike for NRE, especialy when my husband thinks with his penis instead of paying attention to what has been said.
 
I don't know about you, but I'm finding that NRE + ADD = AAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!! It's a million times more hard to deal with than regular NRE because of that ADD "focus" they do at the beginning of relationships to the exclusion of everything else.

It's like I don't exist anymore. And he never gets it because he "feels" the same way about me, he just doesn't realize or see that he starts neglecting me in all the ways I need because his focus is elsewhere. :-(

I'm still figuring out how to get that one dealt with...
 
I don't know about you, but I'm finding that NRE + ADD = AAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!! It's a million times more hard to deal with than regular NRE because of that ADD "focus" they do at the beginning of relationships to the exclusion of everything else.

It's like I don't exist anymore. And he never gets it because he "feels" the same way about me, he just doesn't realize or see that he starts neglecting me in all the ways I need because his focus is elsewhere. :-(

I'm still figuring out how to get that one dealt with...

Good luck! Let me know if you find an answer!
 
Am I over reacting?

I try not to post issues between Karma and I until we've worked through it.

But I am wondering if I'm over reacting or if I have a valid issue here.

I question it b/c timeline wise I should be around that time of the month so my hormones may be a bit whacked, and because things seemed to be going really well.

So here's the issue. Last week I told Karma he needed to limit his visits to Cookie's to once a week. We can't afford more than that and he agreed. He saw her Tuesday.

At somepoint last week I sent him several links to cheap or free things I wanted to do. One of those was a cruise in that was free and very nearby. I asked maybe Wednesday? or Thursday if we could go this weekend as the weather channel was predicting that Saturday was going to be one of our coolest nights this summer and the air quality will drop to yellow for the first time in weeks.

He said he was THINKING about seeing Cookie saturday. I reminded him that we couldn't afford that. And at the end of the convo, I thought we were going.

The last two weeks his head has been shoved up the video games ass. So I go to the bedroom to watch tv.

Something I promised to not do after our divorce talk because we both felt that me being in the bedroom all the time played into our distance from eachother. But what the hell else am I supposed to do? I've read all the books we have and while I do enjoy watching him play, it does get boring.

So anyway I was really looking forward to tonight. Getting out of the house. Spending time with my boy. Checking out old cars. I love cruise ins. I don't get into cars, but I can appreciate the pretty! and I love 50's music this particular cruise in plays. So I was really looking forward to tonight.

I woke up around noon and laid back down cuz it was storming and I love just listening to it. I drifted in and out and woke up for good around 4 but I stayed in bed with him until he got up.

I figured he'd get out of the shower, I'd get in and we'd leave. I drifted a bit more and next thing I know I'm getting a kiss goodbye and a see you later and I'll be back before you get up.

WTF! I asked where he was going and I am told he was going to see Cookie. "SO I guess we aren't going to the car show?" K-"I thought it was during the day" M-"Ummm no it just started 6-10" K full of attitude-"Do you want me to cancel my plans?" M-"No go ahead"

I considered going on my own but my car has a quarter of a tank of gas and I'd perfer to not waste it.

I'm pissed.

Mostly because after he left I wondered if I had made him stay home if he'd have lied to go there anyway.

And then it hit me. Until now he's never had to really prove how much has changed.

And here we are a month into it and he is not only conceling on me, making me feel bad if he cancels on her but he's also not telling me he's going to see her until he leaves, ignoring our money issues and is showing signs of being back to a do what I want attitude.

I wonder if I had made him stay how long the temper tantrum would have lasted and if he would have lied or made an exscuse to see her.

So am I over reacting getting this upset over something small, or is this really the issue I see it being?

Had I known ahead of time I wouldn't have been as upset. I'd still be upset because even though the cruise in is every saturday, August and september here are killer heat wise. But I wouldn't have planned on something to have it not happen. He did this shit with Cricket all the time. We'd make plans, but then she'd suddenly be available and I'd get dropped.

So am I reacting to a trigger? Is this a sign that nothing changed he just wasn't seeing anyone before so it seemed like it was better? Is this jsut NRE/ADD hell?

I am just so mad right now. I feel disrespected, ignored, like I don't matter, like our money issues don't matter.
 
Last edited:
There are some points in your story that made me wonder. First of all: did you set a date? Did both of you agree to it? You use expressions like "I thought" and "I figured" and so on, was there an agreement to go or did you interpret it as such? That would be the first point I would get clear.

The next thing depends on the former one: Even if there was a misunderstanding, if he left without considering the money issue and double date (they should have been clear issues from his point of view) you got something to talk about in my opinion. If he slept all day with the purpose of missing the show (that's what his answer sounds like as you describe it) this could be seen as his easy way out of the promise to go. At least that was how it came across.

You said that if you had known ahead of time you wouldn't have been upset. I would have been upset nevertheless because there are some points that show little consideration for you and appear to be really self serving.

You need to talk about that I think. Did he get how much you are looking forward to this day? Did you tell him or were the plans only in your head, getting excited on your own? Is the money issue one that is clear to him? Why can't he take Cookie to such cheap/for free events if their usual ones are too expensive?

Hope you get it sorted out.
 
Communication for the win.

He neglected to tell me that he won't be seeing her this Tuesday. Which is why he wanted to see her today. To him "thinking about" equated plans, where to me it means considering not even verbalised yet.

I 'thought' we had plans, I had said that we couldn't afford for him to go there and assumed that meant we were going to the cruise in. So that one is on me for assuming.

No they don't do anything expensive. Mostly they go sit somewhere and talk and listen to music. The issue is the gas there and back. Life would be much easier if she had a car. But such is life.

So after a heated discussion we talked things through.

Funny thing about communication-just because things are going well that doesn't mean you can stop communicating.

Lesson learned, for us both I think.

There were underlying issues and triggers for us both. Hopefully it's been dealt with.
 
I considered going on my own but my car has a quarter of a tank of gas and I'd perfer to not waste it.

Hello again. This made me sad to read that you think going out and doing something you love would be a waste if it's just for you and no one else. I think you should consider yourself worth a little gasoline!


Just by the fact that he went to see his girlfriend even after you told him the show was happening, sounds like trouble to me. It does seem like he is doing what he wants without much consideration for you.

This seems to be an ongoing problem. When was the last time he romanced you? Made love to you? Treated you like someone he couldn't wait to sneak off with and ravish?

I agree with Phy that it sounded like he "slept all day with the purpose of missing the show" (since he thought it was a daytime thing), and then figured all along that would be a chance to go and have sex with his girlfriend. I wonder if he has a way to sweet talk you so you can't really see what games he's playing. Another thing that would bother me is how inattentive ahe is and doesn't listen to you - you sent an email and talked to him about Saturday night being cooler, how is it that he didn't register that the cruise was at night? That just sounds like BS, to tell the truth. I would be suspicious.


In following your thread, it appears the Karma doesn't work - is that correct? If money is an issue (I thought about you putting your last cigarette in the freezer this week), he should be focusing on getting a job instead of a girlfriend, I think.


I wondered if I had made him stay home if he'd have lied to go there anyway.

This does not sound like a foundation of trust to build anything on. I know you have talked about not throwing away the relationship because of past problems, and how important it is to you to give him a chance - but I wonder if there will be a saturation point for you. How many chances does he get?


Edit: Okay, I see you added another post while I was writing this, but I still have a bad feeling about what happened. It's all very fishy to me.
 
The part that is a big red flag to me is that he didn't tell you that he was seeing her Saturday instead of Tuesday when you brought up the gas thing. That seems to me like a normal time to bring it up. "Well it won't be an issue with our gas budget because I won't be seeing her Tuesday." I think I'd ask why he didn't inform you of that before hand. And if he ends up wanting to see her Tuesday, that'd be a huge issue, if it were me.
 
The part that is a big red flag to me is that he didn't tell you that he was seeing her Saturday instead of Tuesday when you brought up the gas thing. That seems to me like a normal time to bring it up. "Well it won't be an issue with our gas budget because I won't be seeing her Tuesday." I think I'd ask why he didn't inform you of that before hand. And if he ends up wanting to see her Tuesday, that'd be a huge issue, if it were me.

Yes, it's such a convenient excuse, it seems ridiculous!
 
I'm in a bit of a similar situation so I wanted to susbscribe to this thread. Thanks for sharing so much of your feelings, Mo. I feel many of the same. The new GF is so new, we haven't even encountered a lot of these issues yet -- but I anticipate them coming!
 
Back
Top