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  #1  
Old 06-12-2018, 02:06 AM
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Polyglamorous Polyglamorous is offline
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Default Hungry hungry hypocrite

How do I not be a hypocrite?
I want to date people, well not really people per say. People implies just anyone.
The thought of partners dating people makes me so uncomfortable that I just donít want to be with them. Want to put the walls up and detach. I realize itís wrong. I just donít know how to make it better. It makes me like, not like them anymore. I realize itís wrong but itís how I feel. How does one change their feelings. Or maybe I shouldnít change my feeling. Maybe Iím not poly.
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  #2  
Old 06-12-2018, 02:13 AM
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Itís like dating fire, it hurts. So why would I do this? But I know itís not okay to hurt someone and not be hurt in return. Itís unfair, Iím not emotionally intelligent enough to understand why it hurts.
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  #3  
Old 06-12-2018, 04:00 AM
Michaels Michaels is offline
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Quote:
it is not ok to hurt and not accept to be hurt
From my point of view you have a total wrong idea about the feelings which should be involved.

"Hurting" as a process of emotional bonding always leads into a manipulative type of relation which drives a bonded love or spouse eiter further away or into secluded areas where you do not see.

Try a mental different emotional approach.

"I want my emotional partner in life to be satisfied and happy. When he comes to me from his lover and is happy, i am happy too and we will have a great time.
I am pleased if he is pleased and has fun.
"

This way you have only positive emotions involved.

What is nagging on you is the fear of losing.

You can only overcome this with accepting that you have lost anyone at the moment you first meet them and start only concentrating on the now.
Bonds between persons get stronger by pushing them away.

So by trying to build walls you internalize your feelings and give a "cold" detached emotion of "it is ok, i do not object" type of "i'd love you to be here" emotion mix.

A possible - but not best.

Try really to tell him "I hate it to the core to push you away to your other lover but i have to do some works. Treat her with at least the respect you treat me! Go now."

This would be -for me- the correct way to handle the feelings and emotions at that point verbally with your lover.

Afterwards you have to harmonize your inner feelings if you want "calm" feelings.
If you need mixed inner emotions to be functional a different approach can be better.

I am a man - so never try to understand any of my logic - i will never understand female emotions anyway.
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Old 06-12-2018, 04:05 AM
HurtandConfused HurtandConfused is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polyglamorous View Post
I realize itís wrong but itís how I feel. How does one change their feelings. .
zero experience, but from what I've been reading you don't really change or "get rid of" (or at least a lot of people dont) those types of feelings, you just accept them, distract your self and realize they do not make sense.

I'm struggling very hard with this myself right now, logically it makes all the sense in the world, but when it comes down to it I have a physical reaction at the thought (my partner being with others).

Frustrating, to be sure.
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Old 06-12-2018, 05:07 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Originally Posted by Polyglamorous View Post
It’s like dating fire, it hurts. So why would I do this? But I know it’s not okay to hurt someone and not be hurt in return. It’s unfair, I’m not emotionally intelligent enough to understand why it hurts.
I am not you, so I cannot speak for how or why YOU feel the way you do. But let my try to articulate this:

What you're describing is simple (or complicated) jealousy.

Generally, jealousy stems from insecurity... which in turn stems from fear.

Fear of what exactly?

For many people, jealousy results from a fear of being left or abandoned by one's partner. (Replaced, cut off.) A partner dating others leaves that person feeling insecure, because they cannot guarantee their partner will not eventually find someone more interesting, better-looking or better in bed, and leave them for the new shiny.

In my case, I do not fear being left by my partner/s physically (because I know they won't do that) so much as I fear that, if they date someone else, I will no longer be the "special and only" loved one in their life. I will no longer be the focus of their emotional world. (Emotional abandonment.)

I believe MY fear stems from having been cheated on multiple times in my first serious relationship (betrayal), as well as a history of losing people (including close friends and family members) who have disappeared from my life through no fault of my own (i.e. died, succumbed to mental illness, or moved away/gone AWOL.) So, really, my fear ALSO springs from abandonment issues, just in a different way.

You need to dig down deep to try to understand where YOUR jealousy/fear comes from. Only then can you work on granting your partners the freedom you want THEM to grant YOU (i.e. agreement to date others in a way that is respectful and acceptable and doesn't cause constant pain/fear.)
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  #6  
Old 06-12-2018, 07:17 PM
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Polyglamorous Polyglamorous is offline
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All very helpful advice. I guess it stems from me thinking heís being spiteful by trying to keep it fair. Like to me itís makimg me have negative thoughts about his personality because heís like well you are doing this so I am going to too. So I guess I donít feel like his intentions are valid in my world. I realize all the negative backlash I will receive for thinking this way from the people on the forum. It doesnít make me feel this way any less. I feel itís being used as a punishment because I donít want to conform to the type of relationship he wants. I logically know that I canít expect him to not have the same rights as me. Idk.
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Old 06-12-2018, 07:19 PM
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Polyglamorous Polyglamorous is offline
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I will try being happy that heís happy, but I donít think it will work because he said he would be happy not dating people too, but that if I am going to heís going to.
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Old 06-12-2018, 07:58 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Is this the same coworker from this post? Or a new person you have been dating?

Quote:
I guess it stems from me thinking he’s being spiteful by trying to keep it fair. Like to me it’s makimg me have negative thoughts about his personality because he’s like well you are doing this so I am going to too. So I guess I don’t feel like his intentions are valid in my world. I realize all the negative backlash I will receive for thinking this way from the people on the forum. It doesn’t make me feel this way any less. I feel it’s being used as a punishment because I don’t want to conform to the type of relationship he wants. I logically know that I can’t expect him to not have the same rights as me. Idk.
Are you basically saying that you are poly and he is not? And rather than just break up with you plain, he's doing "revenge dating" to be spiteful to you because you didn't want to be Closed with him? He's not dating these other people because he loves and wants to do poly? He is dating these other people just to get digs back at you?

Why would anyone give you backlash for not liking him much if he behaves like that? I wouldn't like him much either if he was doing that at me.

If he's looking for a dating partner who wants to be Closed with him... why not just go date to find them? And leave you out of the picture? The decent thing to do would be to say "I'm sorry. I cannot do this like this. We are not compatible."

I guess I wonder why you choose to keep dating him if you guys are not compatible and he behaves all revenge-y at you? YOU could end things with him. You guys don't sound like a match -- you don't want to conform to the kind of relationship he is seeking. You want something else.

In dating, not everyone you date is going to be a long haul runner. That is what dating is FOR. To find the compatible ones. This one doesn't sound all that compatible.

You seemed pretty clear in your other post on what you seek.

Quote:
Well, I would like to have a threesomes with a girl or a guy but I can't really just have sex without an emotional/mental connection. So I guess there has to be a relationship there to some degree. Not just a fling. Like I want to see movies and play board games and have sex together. I guess be like a family. Like I don't want two separate relationships. I don't think he is okay with that, or anything really. As far as the people I am with, I don't care if they want to date other people as long as their hearts are in it.
If this dating partner is not a match for that? Could stop dating him. You could move on.

Is it your habit to take responsibility for everything even when it is NOT your doing or your responsibility? Because to me? You seem to be internalizing like "Maybe I'm not really poly if I'm not up for my dating partner to do revenge dating at me."

I think it is possible to be poly and not be up for shenanigans.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-12-2018 at 08:40 PM.
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  #9  
Old 06-12-2018, 09:00 PM
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Polyglamorous Polyglamorous is offline
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It is the same person from the other post. I just donít know if revenge dating is a thing. I figured people would tell me that I am the one who wants poly and he is then handling it how he needs to handle it and that revenge dating is in my head. That I asked for this relationship style and now Iím just being a baby.
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  #10  
Old 06-12-2018, 09:11 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I figured people would tell me that I am the one who wants poly and he is then handling it how he needs to handle it and that revenge dating is in my head.
And you don't get to handle it like you need to handle it?

If he chooses to do revenge dating weirdness at you rather than break up peacefully and amicably? That's how he wants to handle his disappointment that you dn't want the same things in Life he does?

Maybe what you need to handle feeling yucky/bad when he does revenge dating at you is to WALK AWAY from him/it. Why stick around?

To me? You asked for a certain polyamorous relating style. Just because you want poly relating in one way, it does not mean you have to accept ALL poly or poly-ish dating offers than come your way. Even ill-fitting or crap ones.

Say this isn't spite or revenge. At best it sounds like "Ok, we are not a match. But I want you around for my back up plan while I try to find a better match so I don't have to be alone. After when I find the better match then I can break up with you." That might work ok for him... but doesn't sound like that works for you.

Because spite or no spite? You still aren't getting the relationship model you want here. You aren't getting "a good break up" here either. It's ok to quit this sooner rather than later.

I think moving forward in future?

You could tell potential partners what you seek from the get go. Ask what they seek. Weed out the totally incompatible ones from the start so neither of you is wasting time or energy on something that isn't a runner even from the starting gate.

Once initial compatibility is established? Date for a while. Get to know each other better. See if this is also deeply compatible or not. That takes some time to suss out. And in that time talk about what a "good break up" looks like to each of you if it ends up needing to be that. Like "Initially compatible, but not deeply compatible in the end."

I also think you could stop being your own self bully. I get that this is your first attempt at poly. That part is ok. Somebody has to be the first people you try to poly with. The part I don't think is ok is you calling yourself names like "being a baby" or "being a hypocrite" and similar when the situation doesn't pan out.

It is possible to be in a situation that simply does not work out for you. And that doesn't make you a baby or immature or whatever else. It's just that the situation doesn't work out. You don't have to take it personally or like a comment on your worth or value.

Is it your habit to call yourself names? Someone else is calling you names for wanting poly? Him? Friends? Someone else?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-12-2018 at 09:38 PM.
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