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Old 06-14-2018, 03:38 PM
TheLimey TheLimey is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: South Florida
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Default Starting a journey

So, as my title suggests, this is the start of a journey, that has been 18 months in the making. No names in the below

So, some background. As I write this, I am a 46 year old Englishman, an Ex-Pat who has spent 4 years in Germany, and now 17 years in South Florida.

I married a Miami girl, who had previously introduced herself as Lesbian, (but now acknowledges she would now ID as Pansexual), and have been together for 16 years, most of that monogamously married.

Rewind a little under 18months. My wife and I are long time performers at local renaissance festivals. We meet a girl (part of a Lesbian couple)at the end of the festival who thinks the comedy troupe we perform with is great, and that openly let's us know she has a huge crush on my wife. I become Facebook friends with the girl, and my wife and I speculate on what it would be like to let my wife have a bit of fun.

This year, the girl is back, this year with a boyfriend, and we sit and discuss a little more, and the lass and my wife start to flirt, and I realise this makes me happy. I let my wife know that if she wants to, go ahead. The girl discusses with her boyfriend, and he says go ahead.

Whilst they spend time flirting, the girl and I start to talk on FB Messenger, and we realise that what was originally just going to be a bit of fun is turning into a solid friendship on our part. We talk a lot, chat a lot in the three of my wife and I and her. We help her move apartment.

We are some of the people she turns to when she splits from her boyfriend, both before and after, and we stay friends. We agree with her choice of taking time out, getting used to being single again, but continue to chat all the time, and occasionally go out to do things as part of larger groups, all while my wife and her flirt, and while the girl helps me through a bad depressive episode that took me out of work.

Whilst Wiki surfing one day, I come across a word. 'Compersion', and I realise that this is what we feel. I feel happy that my wife flirts with the girl, and I can feel her happiness. My wife feels happy that I have a new, deep friend, and our friend is happy that what she thought was honestly just going to be a bit of fun has blossomed.

We all go to Disney, with a larger group, for Gay Days. When my wife feels ill, part way through a day, our girl doesn't hesitate. She just reacts, and together, we look after my wife that evening. The next day, whilst waiting for the fireworks in Magic Kingdom, our entire group lies down in a pile, but it is noticeable that my wife and the girl are lying together, with me on the other side of my wife. Then, the girl comes out and asks where I am, am I included, and actively includes me and we lie, part of a larger group,but together.

Over the next couple of days, the girl and I reveal that what went on in the trip surprised us both. There was more feeling around than expected, and when I come out and say that I have been reading for a couple of days, and feel that this feels like a nascent polyam relationship, she doesn't disagree,and doesn't back off. I make it clear that we know she isn't ready to date anyone, but she does admit that something may happen one night, and that we are right to be ready

Last weekend, we went out, with another friend of hers. After a party, we settle back to watch her friend's suggested movie... Prof. Marston and the Wonder Women... (her friend is not subtle). We settle down on the couch. I'm lying with the girls head on my shoulders, arms around her, and she's holding my wife, and that is how we drift to sleep. At other times on the next day, we loop around each other.

And this is where we are right now. Everything I've seen and read suggests take it slow and talk, and we have. Nothing overtly sexual has happened, but I personally feel that this nascent triad is orbiting slowly gathering the thrust for take off.

I've looked long and hard at the web, and ignored those sites that just mention sex. We want a close knit friendship, as much, if maybe not more, than just the sex. Emotional intimacy, as much as physical, and open communication and trust.

What I also need is a guide... The girl let us know she has been in a polyam relationship before, and she seems genuinely impressed that I've taken the time to learn, and to discuss.
However, there are so many 'superficial' articles, that siftng the gold from the dross is tiring.

So, any advice as to where to go. I think I'm doing this right, but with so few guides out there, how do I really know? Any thoughts?

Last edited by TheLimey; 06-14-2018 at 08:28 PM.
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Old 06-14-2018, 11:24 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings TheLimey,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have a good trio relationship so far, I encourage you to continue. As for where to find guidance, try More than Two and Opening Up. And not to state the obvious, but Polyamory.com is a great place to go to get some guidance. Not only are there great threads to explore, but you can also post your questions and get personalized answers. For my own part, I am willing to help out however I can. I'll be following this thread, so let me know how I can help here, also you can post in Poly Relationships Corner. If you want to PM me that is okay too. Just let me know what you need. And, you'll find that many other members here are helpful too. Sometimes it is good to get multiple perspectives.

Glad to have you with us; thanks for sharing your story!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
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Old 06-15-2018, 12:11 PM
TheLimey TheLimey is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: South Florida
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Thank you, I will certainly look at the sites you mentioned. I found Elisabeth Sheff to be useful, and her blog in Psychology today.

One addendum to the story. As I am in therapy, the relationship got mentioned to my psychologist. I was pleasantly surprised that he was open to it, looked on it as a good thing, and gave the advice of being slow, methodical, and open in everything that is discussed.
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Old 06-15-2018, 12:48 PM
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Al99 Al99 is online now
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Hi TheLimey - and welcome to the Forum! Let me commend you on your efforts to learn more about polyamory. Reading and learning about poly were a key component in my transition from monogamy to poly - following my wife's request that we open our marriage so that she could explore her resurgent feeling for an old college boyfriend (full story in signature link below).

There are several books on poly available, covering different aspects, and some obviously better than others. For an introductory overview, I found the well known and respected Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino to be best choice. It is somewhat dated in its references, but is an excellent overview of the larger sphere of Consensual Non-Monogamy, poly's place within that sphere, and a general overview of the ethical practice of poly.

Morethantwo.com has a lot of introductory articles that are very worthwhile. The author also has a 500 page book by the same title on the ethics of polyamory - that is considered an important reference, although it is (imo) a slow read, and might best be saved for later on in the process.

The blogsite polyweekly.com, hosted by Cunning Minx, has been going for over a dozen years and has over 500 archived podcasts on poly - free to listen to. I found these very helpful in the beginning of the process - as I worked to get a handle on the poly concept. Minx also authored a short (100 page) book titled Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up that is a relatively short and engaging read, covering some valuable introductory advice for the person who has made the decision to embark upon the poly journey.

There is also a lot of intelligent discussion on this forum as well - with lots of experienced poly folks often contributing. Additionally, there are over a quarter million archived posts that can be searched using the search function on the forum home page.

Best of luck on your journey! Al
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Dramatis Personae:
Me: Al99, poly, heterosexual male, 50's
Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, early 30's
Ben: Becky's medium-ldr bf, heterosexual male, 40's
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My Introductory Post - An Unexpected Introduction to Poly.
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