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  #11  
Old 06-12-2018, 09:35 PM
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Polyglamorous Polyglamorous is offline
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This does make me feel better that revenge dating is a thing that could happen and that itís okay not to be okay with it. I feel like itís revenge dating cause I finally met someone who was okay with the poly thing. I didnít have any sort of feelings towards him in the least. It takes me awhile to understand if I even like someone. I was just going to see him in person, talk and stuff. Then coworker and I see each other and he tells me he made all these dating sites. Which I thought him and I had already established that dating sites werenít a thing we were interested in. (The only reason I talked to the person I met up with is because I saw he was going to the same school as me)

Thereís other things that make me think it. He was trying to hint or throw around the idea of him getting back together with his ex because it seemed easiest. She was already okay with the poly thing. He eventually said that he wasnít going to but once again this spoke volumes about his character and his intentions to me. Itís messed up to the ex because heís like ďyouíre here and convenientĒ

Then he tells me heís going to go to lunch with a completely different ex on Saturday. He says itís strictly platonic. Idk. Iím just tired of feelings. I think it would be for the best if I was just by myself for a long time. I seem to dislike most people and things.
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  #12  
Old 06-12-2018, 09:45 PM
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And I guess itís the timing of things. I said I was going to see the person I met up with. Then he sends me me a screen shot of the message from his ex asking to have lunch. The message was sent the day before, but he was just telling me right after I said I was going to see the other person. Like it was a punishment. No one calls me names except I guess myself.
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  #13  
Old 06-12-2018, 09:48 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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The more you talk about it, the more it sounds like you guys aren't esp compatible. I hope you feel somewhat better for airing out some here.

It sounds like...

You make plans to meet with a new potential friend. Not a date, a friend.

Then he retaliates by making dating site pages, and touching base with his two exGFs as if to check if he can get back with them "just in case." Not because he loves them, not because they got along great in the past, not because he balances having more than one romantic relationship at a time well. More like he needs some sort of "life preserver person" in his life and if it isn't gonna be you, he has to scramble to line one up pronto. Anyone will do. Is that the vibe you get?


Quote:
Idk. I’m just tired of feelings. I think it would be for the best if I was just by myself for a long time. I seem to dislike most people and things.
If dealing with his all over the place emotions is all you've been dealing with lately? I could see being tired of it all.

You mentioned he used to string along his other GF. Is this his way of stringing YOU along and keeping you around? Having to do emotional labor here for/with him?

I think it's fine if you want to be on your own for a while. You could end it and take the time to heal.

If/when you decide to poly date again? Could be more picky about who you pick out. Could call this one a learning experience to help you better define what you will and will not put up with and what you are and are not looking for.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-12-2018 at 09:55 PM.
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  #14  
Old 06-12-2018, 10:28 PM
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Polyglamorous Polyglamorous is offline
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I wouldn’t say he strung them along, but I believe he contemplated the idea of stringing one along and then decided against it. I think I’m unhappy and the advice to leave is one I should follow. He is also moving a girl he’s had sex with in as roommate. Thank you for talking me through this.
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  #15  
Old 06-12-2018, 11:27 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Polyglamorous, your initial post (although not the rest of your situation) sounds just like me. I really struggle with my partners being involved with other people, even though I totally understand it for myself. Although I have no suspicions of ďrevenge dating,Ē I do resonate with the idea that the discomfort comes from the feeling that other relationships donít actually bring my partners joy in the same way that it does for me. Hard to feel compersion when the other person isnít actually happy....
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  #16  
Old 06-13-2018, 12:16 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Polyglam,

Every jealous feeling is triggered by something external ... and sometimes the trigger is that you're being treated badly. In this case, he is "revenge dating," or at least you suspect that he is dating in a vengeful way. This would spark a jealous reaction in just about anyone, so don't feel bad about it. Your internal mechanisms are trying to alert you to the danger, or at least to the potential danger.

I assume that he will deny it if you ask him directly ... though I could be wrong. In any case, if he claims it's not revenge dating, that doesn't prove it's not revenge dating. You are going to have to trust your instincts on this one, even if you know you might be mistaken.

If this is revenge dating, then he has been hurt over your dating practices, and he wants you to be hurt in the same way. Doesn't mean you should keep seeing him, just helps you distance/protect yourself in a relatively forgiving way. He was genuinely hurt and you feel genuinely bad about that, even if his way of dealing with that hurt was messed up.

It sounds like you've worked out what you need to do. And that's a good thing. Hang in there, things are probably going to get harder before they get easier. You can do this.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #17  
Old 06-13-2018, 12:19 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad it helped some.

Quote:
I think I’m unhappy and the advice to leave is one I should follow.
Sounds like you decided what you want to do. That part is good so you don't remain stuck and unhappy.

I'm still sorry though. Even when it's the best solution, break ups aren't necessarily fun things to do.

I hope the healing time afterward brings you some calm/peace/renewal in time. I encourage you to do your self care.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-13-2018 at 12:31 AM.
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