Understanding a break-up

Norwegianpoly

New member
Hi,

my husband is leaving our romantic relationship, although it is not very clear to anyone why. Poly plays a part, but I have dated another man almost 4 years and they get along, I have met my second inlaws etc. My husband had a girlfriend during the first year I dated the other man. For the past year we have had some troubles not related to poly, but I consider them solved now.

Although my husband said he longed for a "normal", monogamous life, he did not really ask me to stop the other relationship in exchange for a mono life with him. He said things had gone too far, that it was not fair to the other man and that he did not know if he could "trust" me (he since took that word back, but I get that this is the kind of sentiment he feels towards me; that my ability to love plurally makes me somehow romantically untrustworthy).

We get along as friends, and it is not going to be a messy breakup. I just feel very sad and confused by it all. My boyfriend is even more confused, and although he i mono, my boyfriend is trying to convince my husband to not leave me. Hardly anyone I know knows my husband moved out 10 days ago and life feels very strange.

I really dont know what I would choose if my husband set me to the big challenge. How can anyone choose between two men they love? But he did not even ask me that. He said hypothetically he could date me if we lived mono, but the way he spoke he seemed very pessimistic about a future with me, having kids and so on. I got the feeling he wanted me to really woo him as well as wait for him to have his existentional crisis. I dont feel motivated to do that; considering to drop my boyfriend (or drop my husband, if my boyfriend was to ask me) would have been the hardest thing I did in my life and I felt it was really unfair that he could tell me nothing about our future. I am not sure it IS about poly, since he did not really want me to choose. Obviously he also himself has feelings for others, so I find it really weird that he holds that against me.

Have anyone been in this situation? I really have no idea if my husband is going to change his mind. I realize he needs to be alone for a while at least and is helping him find a place of his own.
 
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I'm sorry. Even if peaceful and not like a messy break up, break ups are sad.

Although my husband said he longed for a "normal", monogamous life, he did not really ask me to stop the other relationship in exchange for a mono life with him. He said things had gone too far, that it was not fair to the other man and that he did not know if he could "trust" me (he since took that word back, but I get that this is the kind of sentiment he feels towards me; that my ability to love plurally makes me somehow romantically untrustworthy).

Maybe he means something like... he's seen you date poly. He's seen you love plurally and be happy that way. So he doesn't think that you can go back to monogamy with husband and truly be happy. Not that you are untrustworthy, but that he doesn't think/trust a monogamous marriage situation would bring you happiness.

He's expressed longing for "normal monogamous life." So... he needs time on his own to determine if he really does want that.

Galagirl
 
I am not sure it IS about poly, since he did not really want me to choose. Obviously he also himself has feelings for others, so I find it really weird that he holds that against me.

In break ups, we usually latch onto one or two explanations, when in actuality there are often many reasons. "I'm just not into this anymore" is not a satisfying answer for anyone and that's why it's so rarely cited, but it very often the reason. Sometimes you can get to the bottom of a break up or even see it coming from a mile away. Sometimes it takes a long time to understand.

From all you've shared with us over the months/years, it sounds like your husband was not all that happy about being in a polyamorous relationship, but wanted you to have what you needed because he loves you. Yes, he may have discovered his own other attractions along the way, but it sounds like monogamy is "him" at heart. It seems as though many people try out poly and some find that it expands their world in a joyful way. Others find that it's ultimately not satisfying and can be downright stressful, so they opt for monogamy once again. It is the very rare person who makes polyamory a long term choice.
 
I have something similar but different going on. With my wife, she is discovering her true sexual identity. So pretty much our relationship has become a more platonic relationship. We live separately to allow each other the freedom but still make a point of keeping in contact online when we are far apart and visiting in person. It is not easy but we do contribute positively to each others lives. So I can understand the feeling of loss...it's what happens every time after you leave someone you care about.

Regardless, it seems the good part is you are on good terms with him. Separation always allows both people to think more clearly about what they want. I wish you the best of luck.
 
Sorry things didn't work out. Break ups are never fun.


Hi,

my husband is leaving our romantic relationship, although it is not very clear to anyone why. Poly plays a part, but I have dated another man almost 4 years and they get along, I have met my second inlaws etc. My husband had a girlfriend during the first year I dated the other man. For the past year we have had some troubles not related to poly, but I consider them solved now.

Although my husband said he longed for a "normal", monogamous life, he did not really ask me to stop the other relationship in exchange for a mono life with him. He said things had gone too far, that it was not fair to the other man and that he did not know if he could "trust" me (he since took that word back, but I get that this is the kind of sentiment he feels towards me; that my ability to love plurally makes me somehow romantically untrustworthy).

I think your second paragraph explains the why question in the first paragraph. It's that longing and what I've heard described by some as poly fatigue.

My interpretation of " its gone too far" is his realization that you are way way past the point on no return to return to a mono life with him. And 1) he wouldn't want to put you in a position of choosing and 2) he'd rather not have you choose because it would be crushing to not be chosen.

IMO the trust word/ issue relates to you being forced to choose and deciding to continue with him he doesn't trust that even after mourning the loss and dealing with the pain that some day this will be right back on the table as a demand and by then kids might be involved and the whole thing gets harder to unwind.

Another forum member had something similar happen to her. She was poly for something like 10 yrs or more and the husband finally said sorry I'm done ...I'm out ..I can't do it anymore I hate being half I hate getting half. I don't think he requested she choose either however they had kids and she did finally choose the husband. My point here is for a very long time ( well over a yr ) after he didn't " trust " that this was something that was going to stick. So much so that he didn't alter his routine for being out when she had her standing date nights. I think he told me that staying home using that time together and getting use to that would be too devastating a loss if were taken away. To be clear it wasn't that he thought she was lying it was that he thought somewhere, sometime this urge would return. That she might be able to tamp it down today to save the family but down the road it's going to come back. I haven't talked to him a very long time so I don't know if that little voice is still there or it's completely gone but I think that's wash at the trust word meant.

His username was Matt ....here's the thread http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41997

Her username was fulloflove. This is her blog http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41997


Also .....and I could be way off on this but the plan to legally divorce so that you pull an immigration scam marriage to get the BF in the country and living with you while husband is pushed out and living in an apt might have put a dent in the relationship. I get its paper and logistics and living separately for a while and logically it's no big deal but doesn't it also say how much you value the marriage ??? I don't remember if you said after the prescribed amount of time you were going to divorce again and remarry or just all remain in unmarried but again that's another trust issue he might have.
 
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I am sorry your marriage is ending. I am sure you are heartbroken.

I can easily see why he would leave the relationship. He has been paying the biggest price in the relationship.

You in the past mentioned getting a divorce so you could marry the bf so he could emigrate to your country. Your husband has been the bread winner so he pays for trips abroad to visit bf. Bf isn't financially stable so when he comes to visit I am sure again your husband pays. Maybe not for his travel but his food, did he stay in your home? He is supporting your brother who lives with you.

Your husband doesn't want to pay for your poly relationship emotionally or financially. So he spoke with his feet.
 
Who brought up non monogamy? Whose choice or first thought was it?
I did. We both used be smitten with other people and we joked about being poly. Then I fell hard for another man, we dipped our toes into it a little bit, and we talked about it for 4 years before deciding to really try poly.
 
I think your second paragraph explains the why question in the first paragraph. It's that longing and what I've heard described by some as poly fatigue.

My interpretation of " its gone too far" is his realization that you are way way past the point on no return to return to a mono life with him. And 1) he wouldn't want to put you in a position of choosing and 2) he'd rather not have you choose because it would be crushing to not be chosen.

IMO the trust word/ issue relates to you being forced to choose and deciding to continue with him he doesn't trust that even after mourning the loss and dealing with the pain that some day this will be right back on the table as a demand and by then kids might be involved and the whole thing gets harder to unwind.

Another forum member had something similar happen to her. She was poly for something like 10 yrs or more and the husband finally said sorry I'm done ...I'm out ..I can't do it anymore I hate being half I hate getting half. I don't think he requested she choose either however they had kids and she did finally choose the husband. My point here is for a very long time ( well over a yr ) after he didn't " trust " that this was something that was going to stick.
Thank you, I have not heard of poly fatigue before. It makes a lot of sense!

I did use to be very much in love with another man (before my boyfriend) and I have put him behind me, we are not even in touch now. I am good at moving on, once I am certain that that is the right move.

The thing is; I WOULD consider choosing my husband over my boyfriend, if he had asked me to or even indicated that it was a realistic choice. Instead he said something like, if I cut dropped my romance with my boyfriend, he would CONSIDER living monogamously with me, and try to "trust" me, but with not promises of a child, a future or really anything we had talked about. He said he was not sure he could date really anyone in a long while, and he seems pretty depressed. I am helping him get access to a therapist and getting a place to stay. But it feels pretty shitty to be asked to drop everything for my husband when really he is not offering me any of the things that I want or have been used to expect from him. He is treating me like someone who cheated on him, and it does not feel fair to any of us.
 
I could be way off on this but the plan to legally divorce so that you pull an immigration scam marriage to get the BF in the country and living with you while husband is pushed out and living in an apt might have put a dent in the relationship. I get its paper and logistics and living separately for a while and logically it's no big deal but doesn't it also say how much you value the marriage ??? I don't remember if you said after the prescribed amount of time you were going to divorce again and remarry or just all remain in unmarried but again that's another trust issue he might have.
This was a direct response to my husband saying things like "It is hard when you are away" and "Everything would have been so much easier if he just lived in our city". He did want me to find a relocation option and admits that he said this, or at least did not stop me when I interpreted what he said this way (I always get practical when I dont know what to do). I researched, and those were among the options for us. I explained to him in detail that this was to be a legal change only and that I still treasured our marriage as much, and that this was supposed to make things easier for us. I wanted to prove to him that I meant it by taking him to a lawyer to write up our wills that gave him extra rights, and we then were going to update those wills, but somehow that rubbed him the wrong way (even if we had discussed writing our wills so for all the years we were married). We had not started on anything legal, apart from a quick call to a lawyer, or even managed to think through what we were going to do eventually.
I was always the planner among us. I planned everything related to our wedding when we married, I mean everything down to the brand of champagne to go with the strawberries. I planned my boyfriend's visit to us, and fixed things when he was stuck in immigration for having lost his papers. Of course I was going to be the one to plan how to relocate, for sure none of the boys were doing it. That is what I love about them; they are so spontanious and never think about the future, which is all I think about.
 
I am sorry your marriage is ending. I am sure you are heartbroken.

I can easily see why he would leave the relationship. He has been paying the biggest price in the relationship.

You in the past mentioned getting a divorce so you could marry the bf so he could emigrate to your country. Your husband has been the bread winner so he pays for trips abroad to visit bf. Bf isn't financially stable so when he comes to visit I am sure again your husband pays. Maybe not for his travel but his food, did he stay in your home? He is supporting your brother who lives with you.

Your husband doesn't want to pay for your poly relationship emotionally or financially. So he spoke with his feet.
I think somewhere along the way, it gets lost that he also used to have a girlfriend, who broke his heart.

I have payed for all my trips abroad. I also dont have any acess to his money; we have a joined account but none of us ever put much money there. I payed for a rental flat and my husband's plane ticket when the boys first met in my boyfriend's country (my husband was a student at the time). I and my boyfriend split costs for long term rental flat, where my husband also stayed on visits. My husband has payed a few dinners and he payed hotel when my boyfriend stayed with us. Apart from that, I have covered all the expenses. I have had my own income, even if lower than my husband's. I have also payed household bills, and changed my spending habits to be able to afford the lifestyle. My husband said that my frequent trips was making it hard to finance common projects, I agreed, and went drastically less often.

We were having serious discussions about saving, getting rid of debt and so on. We bought a flat that needed a lot of stuff done, which were costing us more much more money each month than what I spent on my boyfriend. I think somehow my husband forgets how expensive those investments were.

My brother lived with us for a low rent for a few months. We disussed raising the rent for the remainder of time of him living with us. Also, it was my husband's idea that my brother should move in with us.

I told my husband I was prepared to work more than a 100 % to make sure that we were able to save up, and to make even more spending cuts along with it. During the last 8 months I visited my boyfriend ONCE. On that visit I spent the least amount of money possible. I encouraged my husband to spend more money on himself. I am not sure what more I could have done.
 
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I have told my husband that my main issue with potentionally dropping my boyfriend for a future mono relationship with him, is:

if he does not know himself very well, and can make these mistakes (continuing to do poly for 1-2 years without really wanting to), how can I trust him when other big decitions are to be made?

What about if we have kids; can I trust him to be there for me/us? Or will I invest a lot in rebuilding the romantic relationship, yet end as a single mum?

Maybe he decides that he does not want kids, even if that has been our plan all along, and that might break my heart. How will he deal with that?

How about when he again starts to be smitten with women; do I have to endure him struggling with it (while myself having to forget my boyfriend completely)? It was an issue even before we started poly. He says that he is only into me now, which I doubt; I think he is just greving the ex for now. Once that stops, I think he will he eyes for other women again.

He talks about how hard it was for him these years. At the same time, I spent my time bonding with my new in laws (as well as his family). I waited to have kids because he told me to stick to our timeline. I feel seriously tricked by him, even if he did not do it on purpose. I find it hard to trust that, if we got back together and went mono, he would not throw other things in my face next time.
 
Hi Norweigianpoly,

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I think GalaGirl, FallenAngelina, and dingedheart have given good advice about your husband's motivations and feelings. It really sounds like he wants to be monogamous, he recognizes that you're deeply poly, and that's it.

Sure, your husband has dated other women and has had feelings for other women. But even so, I don't think those experiences made him feel poly-by-orientation, or made him want to live polyamorously for the rest of his life. In fact, it sounds like his experiences with other women were difficult for him and were not what he really wanted to be doing. His deep heartbreak over the other woman could even be an indication of mono-oriented feelings--a deep focus on one person, difficulty getting over it, etc.

I sympathize with your feelings that he tricked & betrayed you. I understand your anguish in realizing that he was just tolerating the arrangement when he seemed to be enjoying it and was actively working with you to build a life with you and your other partner. He definitely betrayed your trust on that.

However, I don't think there's anything you can do about, or even should do about it. He came to realize what a "full poly" life would look like, and realized that he doesn't actually want it.

I know you're devastated that he didn't give you the option of choosing him. But I think he was trying to do the right thing by NOT asking you to give up your boyfriend. He knows that would be terribly unfair to your boyfriend. (He probably likes and respects your boyfriend as a person and doesn't want to ask you to destroy his life). I think your husband also recognizes that you would not be truly happy if you gave up your boyfriend to stay with him.

Your boyfriend probably feels guilty that your husband is leaving you. It's understandable that he doesn't want your husband to leave you. But your boyfriend should probably stay out of it--he shouldn't try to talk to your husband or convince him to stay.

I understand what you're going through. My ex did something similar--pretending to want an open relationship, not telling me how he really felt until it was too late and YEARS had gone by. And then it took me MORE years to get over that loss.

But in the end, I could never be happy with someone who is monogamous, and someone monogamous could never be happy with me, and it's as simple as that.
 
Maybe splitting up really is the best option. No use in pointing fingers. Most relationships aren't meant to last a lifetime.
He is free to go, I can't hold him. And we will remain friends, so our relationship will not be over. But I feel slightly tricked by the situation of him not telling me real reasons and giving me choices.
 
I know you're devastated that he didn't give you the option of choosing him. But I think he was trying to do the right thing by NOT asking you to give up your boyfriend. He knows that would be terribly unfair to your boyfriend. (He probably likes and respects your boyfriend as a person and doesn't want to ask you to destroy his life). I think your husband also recognizes that you would not be truly happy if you gave up your boyfriend to stay with him.

Your boyfriend probably feels guilty that your husband is leaving you. It's understandable that he doesn't want your husband to leave you. But your boyfriend should probably stay out of it--he shouldn't try to talk to your husband or convince him to stay.

I understand what you're going through. My ex did something similar--pretending to want an open relationship, not telling me how he really felt until it was too late and YEARS had gone by. And then it took me MORE years to get over that loss.

But in the end, I could never be happy with someone who is monogamous, and someone monogamous could never be happy with me, and it's as simple as that.
The thing is - I COULD be happy monogamously. I have live mono before and liked it, and if I had not dated others I would not hesitate to live mono with my husband if he asked me. Obviously, it is more difficult since I am already actively dating another man that I also was planning a future with. We always told each other that we could veto any partner, but not a long term partner - that is probably why my husband was trying to be gentlemen-like about it, although I dont feel very reassured, just robbed of choices.

The way I see it; if I gave up my boyfriend, he would dissapear from my life. We would probably stay surface friends, but nothing more than that. My husband will never go away. We are very close friends and he knows my family and history intimately. I may be loosing my husband as a romantic partner, but I am not "loosing" him in that he dissapears from my life. Husband wanted a normal life with me, and to have kids - he may still want that. Boyfriend is unsure about kids, also we have relocation to think about. My husband's family does not like me, my boyfriend's family likes me but there are language issues. It would be easy for me to just continue with my husband - but he does not feel like my husband anymore, I feel like he is in part a stranger for hiding these things from me. From a friend's point of view I get him, but from a lover's view what he did was very disheartening. For the both of them, I am their first long term romantic relationship. Everything they know about love, relates to me. So to actually make a choice between them would have been extremely hard. I honestly dont know what I would have chosen.

I guess that is what my husband resents about me; that I would not choose him spontaniously. That I am able to love more than one. I dont think my boyfriend really resents that, but that he is hoping that I can provide for him what a girlfriend should. For instance he always wanted to marry me.

I am not sure what my boyfriends feels and thinks about the whole thing. We talk, but I think he finds it hard to articulate. The boys talk - they have been in each others life for 4 years, at times quite close, they feel a sort of "brother in law" responsability for each other's wellbeing. Maybe my boyfriend feels guilty, I dont know, I think he is trying to make sense of it all. He talks about how we are going to fix this, so in his eyes it might be a temporary change.

If I end up with my boyfriend, we will live mono - not poly. He was only accepting poly to honor my husband, and I never had any more partners. Either way I choose/life rolls, I will live mono, there is no choice where poly is the option (unless my husband changes his mind). I have no desire to find new partners, I am more interested in the possability of having a baby.

My husband is hinting that perhaps if I drop my boyfriend and chase him instead, I can be with him, have kids etc. I dont feel motivated to do that, I am still in shock from what happened. My husband told me today that he takes all the blame for what happened, because he can see that he did lead me on, even if not intentionally. I told him that I can see that he did not mean to, but that I still feel that he acts as if I cheated on him, and it is making me very confused and sad.

Whatever my boyfriend's flaws, he has never promised me something and then gone back on it. We have fought a few times but he has never kept something serious from me, or broken my trust like I feel my husband just did.
 
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I did. We both used be smitten with other people and we joked about being poly. Then I fell hard for another man, we dipped our toes into it a little bit, and we talked about it for 4 years before deciding to really try poly.

I feel slightly tricked by the situation of him not telling me real reasons and giving me choices.

if he does not know himself very well, and can make these mistakes (continuing to do poly for 1-2 years without really wanting to), how can I trust him when other big decitions are to be made?

Looking at this from another angle: you wanted to be poly. He tried, for a long time, to give you what you wanted, he tried to be okay with it. And you now blame him for trying so hard and for so long to give you what you want and sacrifice himself for your happiness.

If he'd said, "I know myself, no, I'm not doing poly," what would have been said about him, either by you or other polys? That he's too close-minded to try? That he's trying to control you? That he thinks he's in charge of your body and your sexuality? That he's forcing ultimatums on you?

I think many mono spouses feel they have the choice of agree or lose their marriage. I think many mono spouses originally find a girlfriend/boyfriend because it feels too uneven and painful otherwise, but the men, especially, find that they're very often home alone with no girlfriend while their wives are out with a boyfriend. If they say, "This hurts and I don't like it," they are accused of all sorts of things, of control, of playing tit for tat, of jealousy, of not managing their emotions. So they say nothing, until they finally can't stand living like that anymore.

I know of one couple who used to be here--primarily the wife. She told us here how gloriously happy they were, how her husband was so wonderful in his acceptance of her boyfriend and poly-ness, etc. On the mono spouses of polys group elsewhere, I stumbled across her husband. He saw things very differently. He saw exactly the choice I describe above and had every intention of leaving the marriage as soon as the kids grew up.

I'm betting he had told his wife at least once or twice that he was not happy with her having a boyfriend, and he quickly learned that his feelings on the matter were not welcome. So he quit saying it and she chose to believe his feelings just magically disappeared.

As another example: I did this myself with my husband and his cheating. I told him a few times it better stop or I was filing. He lied, denied, and went on his merry cheating way. I quit wasting my breath, figuring it was his problem if he didn't believe me. He chose to believe I was fooled by his brilliant lies again, and lo and behold he was broadsided when I followed through and did exactly as I'd told him I would.

Again: this is exactly what I see in your husband's decision. Re-read my first three paragraphs.

I feel seriously tricked by him, even if he did not do it on purpose. I find it hard to trust that, if we got back together and went mono, he would not throw other things in my face next time.

Might he possibly feel the same about agreeing to a monogamous marriage and then having the ground rules changed? Yes, he may have 'agreed' to it, but....re-read my first three paragraphs above.
 
If he'd said, "I know myself, no, I'm not doing poly," what would have been said about him, either by you or other polys? That he's too close-minded to try? That he's trying to control you? That he thinks he's in charge of your body and your sexuality? That he's forcing ultimatums on you?
Nothing of the sort. We are not poly missionaries or think lesser of monogamy in any way. I am not a hard-wired poly; I have lived mono and liked it. Our situation was that I fell in love. He was allowed to give me rules, and I followed them, we used four years to open up, and I never pursued a real relationship with the first guy because he was too unstable. We agreed after opening up that he could veto anyone, except a long term relationship (more than a year). The problem is; this is a long term relationship. With inlaws and all.
 
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If they say, "This hurts and I don't like it," they are accused of all sorts of things, of control, of playing tit for tat, of jealousy, of not managing their emotions. So they say nothing, until they finally can't stand living like that anymore.

(...)Might he possibly feel the same about agreeing to a monogamous marriage and then having the ground rules changed? Yes, he may have 'agreed' to it, but....
He did tell me, after 2 years into the new relationship, that he was not 100 % happy with poly, and with the long distance taking up a time and money. I listened to him every time he said something about it, and tried to find emotional as well as practical solutions to what he was feeling. I changed many of my habits, and explored possable future solutions. The problem was, he was focusing on a lot of small things instead of the bigger picture - which was mono vs poly. So, looking back, every time I fixed one of the problems he mentioned, it only frustrated him more because those things were not really the root of the issue.
I was not 100 % happy with the way he did poly either; he spoke of one woman that he flirted with as his "soul mate", which really hurt my feelings. Then with another woman he broke every rule we set up (ask before sex, no sex in our flat/bed etc. The woman even wore my bathrobe, which I dont let anyone use). The whole thing was utterly chaotic - like a couple of teenagers. I ended up acting as a sort of life coach to the woman he dated, who was not able to discuss their affair with him. After all of this, she dumped him and broke his heart. Even before we started doing poly, there was always things about him and other women - his ex fell in love with him (mutually) again etc. And I thought it was fine, because I also had feelings for others. And I have no idea why he resents me having feelings for others, when he falls for other women himself. He has not in a while, but he will. He gets smitten with other people very easily.
 
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