Bad introduction to polyamory.

Sarcophagus

New member
So here's my predicament.

My relationship hasn't been doing well for the last two years for various reasons; in large part due to my own personal issues preventing my fiance of six years from getting what she needed out of me which, in turn, prevented me from ever getting what I needed out of her. She was gone on a research grant for two months recently, during which time she cheated on me several times with the same person. On returning, she told me immediately, face-to-face. When asked why she wouldn't have called beforehand, she insists it was sudden and spur of the moment, and that at the time, we were pretty much not working anyway. When asked why she didn't tell me before continuing, she was afraid I would have just moved out and left her while she was gone, without hearing her out.

When I initially found out, I was going to leave. But in the time I spent with her before I could gather my belongings and rent a truck, I fell for her all over again. She's gone through a sort of metamorphosis into someone more honest with herself and, therefore, with me. To say she was abrasive and even belligerent at times before now would be an understatement.

What hurts the most is how I understand her feelings on the matter and would have been willing to open up from the start. Envy aside, I would have been fine with the idea of an open relationship if it had been presented to me first, and if we could have gone into that form of relationship comfortably and mutually together. But even after she told me, it basically came down to "this is who and what I am, this is what I'm going to do with him; please accept it or get out".

We and he live in different states, but she plans on visiting and staying with him for some time near the end of this month, regardless of what I have to say. Given how uncomfortable I am with the situation as a whole, and how I never had a chance to give my consent in the first place, it really just feels to my heart like "she's just cheating on you again, and now you know exactly when and in what situation".

The idea is that, while we love each other and work magnificently well domestically, she has a passion for him that I don't ignite. She's the most Alpha female I've ever met; I wouldn't call myself a Beta in most cases, but where she's concerned, I absolutely do go completely Omega. It's a hell of a turn off to both of us, really.

And in my case, I pretty much just wouldn't mind company while she's immersed in her career.

I've asked her if she would cut it off with him hypothetically. The vibe I get is that she would, but she would also be devastated. I asked her if she would at least cool it off with him in the mean time and get into this mutually from the start like it should have been in the first place, but we're far past a point where that would be viable, it seems. He's also aware of her intentions toward me; I think he mostly just respects her, is attracted to her, and wants a no-strings-attached relationship.

I think the hardest part is how I want what he gets out of her. I don't think I'd be jealous if I didn't. It's a side of her I find endearing from afar, but something just goes horribly wrong when I try to approach it myself.

I'd like to have romantic relationships with other people myself, too, and even threeway encounters with my fiance involving right people and comfort levels, but the way this played out was just the most absolutely wrong way for me, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I suppose if this relationship with her is so important to me that I just won't walk out, then letting go and taking it as it comes from here on is the only real option, but something is keeping me from that. I'm not comfortable with her and our situation. I'm pissed off, and bitter, and jealous, and it's ruining me. We're so closely entwined now that that translates to me not being comfortable with myself, so I can't even muster the give-a-damn to flirt with anyone else I'd find attractive otherwise.

It's just a confusing mess, really.
 
Last edited:
Likely to remain frustrating while you work through your emotions. It isa shitty way to start, but not uncommon. You have to decide if the work is worth it to you, to learn to accept that this is how it started and this is who she is. OR if you would rather leave. If you want to see how that work may manifest i suggest reading the blogs of a few of us who started poly from cheating disasters.
 
That's not an intro to polyamory. It's an intro to cheating. You weren't given any choice besides "take it or leave it".
 
LovingRadiance, I'll do that. Maybe put things into perspective.

TheCubist: Exactly. And that's the bit that really cuts deep. She listens, and she's tried to be supportive, but when it comes down to it, she hasn't actually done anything to try and make this right to me other than that. Pretty much all I can do any more is bitch about the situation, and that doesn't help anyone.
 
Last edited:
LovingRadiance, I'll do that. Maybe put things into perspective.

TheCubist: Exactly. And that's the bit that really cuts deep. She listens, and she's tried to be supportive, but when it comes down to it, she hasn't actually done anything to try and make this right to me other than that. Pretty much all I can do any more is bitch about the situation, and that doesn't help anyone.

That's because this guy is more important to her than you. I know it's easy to say because I'm not there in your shoes .. but I'd really consider leaving the relationship. It's not good for you and your self respect.
 
I'm not sure. Apparently he was unaware of me the first time, and after that, she told him about our engagement and how she has no intention of breaking it off. Obviously, they continued anyway.

It all just seems so...casually intense between them. I'm having difficulty wrapping my head around my part here.

I think if I really pushed it, I could convince her to not see him, but that would probably come to "if you visit him, I'm gone". I'd rather not go that route. It doesn't actually address anything and only serves as a sort of vindictive punishment.
 
I'm not sure. Apparently he was unaware of me the first time, and after that, she told him about our engagement and how she has no intention of breaking it off. Obviously, they continued anyway.

It all just seems so...casually intense between them. I'm having difficulty wrapping my head around my part here.

I think if I really pushed it, I could convince her to not see him, but that would probably come to "if you visit him, I'm gone". I'd rather not go that route. It doesn't actually address anything and only serves as a sort of vindictive punishment.

Looks like you're getting something out of this relationship after all. That's good, because if you get married you'll get a chance to get to know all sorts of new men.
 
When asked why she wouldn't have called beforehand, she insists it was sudden and spur of the moment, and that at the time, we were pretty much not working anyway. When asked why she didn't tell me before continuing, she was afraid I would have just moved out and left her while she was gone, without hearing her out.
Sleeping with someone several times happened in the spur of the moment?

She waited until she got home to tell you because she knew it would be much easier to manipulate you into accepting what she did if she could talk to you face to face. This is obviously not the first time she has "convinced" you to accept her bad behavior. In the six years you haven't gotten married (what's the real reason for the delay?), I'm sure you've taught her where all your buttons are. She filed that information away. I know I sound like I'm picking on her a lot. There's evidence of manipulation everywhere.

Your fiance is an accomplished manipulator. I can cheat because we weren't doing well anyway? She rationalizes a lot to help her accept her own deceitful behavior. Almost any kind of destructive behavior is possible if she uses this kind of thinking. She is going to do what she wants to do. Your options look pretty simple to me. Accept that fully (and I mean FULLY) or leave her. It looks like she's not giving you a 3rd option.

Envy aside, I would have been fine with the idea of an open relationship if it had been presented to me first
So now you've had a chance to think seriously about poly. Remember, poly is about honesty. Do you really see honesty when you look at her? Consider moving on with your life and meeting new people.
 
Last edited:
I see honesty now, yes. Either she's had some realizations and it's an ongoing shift, or it's just some temporary honeymoon phase and she's still basking in afterglow from the other week.

The reason for our delay was that, initially, I wasn't cool with settling down. She actually proposed to me at first. I was resistant; I was young, and wanted to keep my options open, but I also clicked with her very much at the time. And yes, I do see the irony in how things turned out. Now it's a matter of university and work being excessively hectic.

You're quite right, though. She knows exactly what buttons to press, and knows how I'll react given most situations. Of course, I don't know if she's actively doing that; I really do think she's just frustrated with me being resistant and spiteful at this point.
 
Last edited:
Resistant to continuing without finding personal resolution to all of this. As I said, at this point it's either "deal with it and move forward" or "get out". Meanwhile I'm stuck in this mopey, spiteful standstill.

I'm trying to figure out if the primary reason she is with you is because she knows she can get away with "stuff". That's why I asked if you really are not sure if she is still manipulating you. You seem pretty casual about " I cheated, and I'm going to be with this other guy, so take it or leave it". A take it or leave it choice is not loving. Staying with someone like that when you really don't want to indicates low self esteem.

My questions are not about her anymore. They're about you. The only kind of person I can think of that would stay with a take it or leave it attitude like that is one who has low self esteem, therefore doesn't think he can find someone who will treat him with respect.

Is that who you are? This is a blunt and sincere question.
 
Yes, my self-esteem was already critically low before all of this.

It's not a matter of finding someone that could be equally as good for me, though. I'm still young, am bright, and at the risk of sounding like a braggart, am ridiculously attractive.

That's actually a good question, though. Why am I willing to put up with all of this? I think a large part is how enamored I am with her as a person. Especially since she's been so open lately.

Really, I suppose my problems with it all are:

The cheating, which I can possibly forgive in time.

The fact that she never asked me ahead of time, which is related to the above.

That she kept on going after the first time without telling me.

How she tells me everything up front, listens to me, seems remorseful at how things played out, but gets bent when what I feel and what I have to say about it aren't exactly what she wanted. I don't feel she's willing to work on this mutually or make any sacrifice on her end in order to make us okay first. She just wants what she wants, and fuck everyone else.

But I suppose that's how our relationship has always been. Now she's just crossed so many lines, I have no idea why I'm still here. I want to be with her. I do not want to be with someone that wouldn't respect me enough to work with me as a partner.
 
Last edited:
Then it is a case of "I love you. But I do not love this. And I love me. So I have to walk away."

GG
 
Yes, my self-esteem was already critically low before all of this.
How was your self esteem when you first met her?

I'm still young, am bright, and at the risk of sounding like a braggart, am ridiculously attractive.
And look what kind of person that got you.

For example, I'm a woman. I have been told many times I am gorgeous, and I could easily be on the cover of a fashion magazine. I have had people ask me if I am a model when they meet me for the first time - like every woman who looks like I do has to be interested in modeling. I have a great figure. To be blunt, I turn heads. It was fun at first. Now I don't care. What's important to me now? I want to know how confident, kind, mature and smart someone is. Manipulative people don't like me very much. They feel the strength of my presence and that unnerves them (I see it in their eyes seconds after I meet them).

You are gorgeous. Great. Now get over it (I did) because it isn't helping you find a loving woman, or happiness.

That's actually a good question, though. Why am I willing to put up with all of this?
It's the only question

I think a large part is how enamored I am with her as a person.
What does this REALLY mean?

but gets bent when what I feel and what I have to say about it aren't exactly what she wanted. I don't feel she's willing to work on this mutually or make any sacrifice on her end in order to make us okay first. She just wants what she wants, and fuck everyone else.
This is called manipulation. Like I said earlier, she is an accomplished manipulator. That's not the issue anymore. Its your self esteem.

But I suppose that's how our relationship has always been. Now she's just crossed so many lines, I have no idea why I'm still here.
Because you have low self esteem, and her radar noticed that. What are you going to do about your low self esteem? Everything I'm saying is blunt, but very sincere. What are you going to do about it?
 
Last edited:
How was your self esteem when you first met her?

Through the roof. I was so sure of myself that I was untouchable. A lot happened in the last few years, some of it related to my relationship, some of it completely not. For the last year, I've kind of just been trying to feel my way out of a pit of loathing.


And look what kind of person that got you.

For example, I'm a woman. I have been told many times I am gorgeous, and I could easily be on the cover of a fashion magazine. I have had people ask me if I am a model when they meet me for the first time. I have a great figure because I work at it. To be blunt, I turn heads. It was fun at first. Now I don't care. What's important to me now? I want to know how confident, kind, mature and smart someone is. Manipulative people don't like me very much. They feel strength in my presence that unnerves them (I see it in there eyes seconds after I meet them).

You are gorgeous. Great. Now get over it (I did) because it isn't helping you find a loving woman, or happiness.

That's my point. My characteristics at first glance are fine. I'm keenly aware of this. My problems all stem from my self.


It's the only question

Absolutely.

What does this REALLY mean?

Viewing her objectively, she's a fascinating mind. I adore her intellect and her reasoning, and the way she pushes herself past her limits regularly.

It's when I add myself into the equation that things get muddy. She's clearly not attracted to me in my current state; I'm not even attracted to myself in my current state.


This is called manipulation. Like I said earlier, she is an accomplished manipulator. That's not the issue anymore. Its you self esteem.

Because you have low self esteem, and her radar noticed that. What are you going to do about your low self esteem? Everything I'm saying is blunt, but very sincere. What are you going to do about it?

Believe me, I appreciate bluntness.

Yes, she's the most manipulative person I know. It's riveting to watch her do it, actually. Just a subtle few words, seemingly unrelated, then magic happens and people willfully bend. It's basically talking a horse into wanting to go to the water and drink.

Wall of text incoming. You may have just gotten more than you bargained for.

Regarding my low self esteem, I really do just need to get out more. I just moved to my current location a year ago and haven't made many friends, and none that aren't mutual between me and her. My job doesn't give me much contact with people in a way that isn't bound by corporate keeping-up-appearances BS. It doesn't help that I really can't stand my job. The pay and benefits are good, but...it's just something I do for money. This is not my life's work. It doesn't drive me. That's taking its toll.

So, what am I going to do about it? I believe I'm focusing too hard on her in the first place. I have no stable grounding in myself and nothing else in my life to keep me going and sane. Perhaps I've been too dependent.

I have things to change in my own life. I will undoubtedly be better off for it, and it's likely our relationship would as well. At this point it's just a decision to either shut this all out and work on my self in the mean time, or get the hell out right now and do what I need to alone.

Edit: On a side note, I wonder if playing the field a bit myself regardless of what I do with her would help. In all likelihood, yes, I could probably do well with that.
 
Yes. Yes I am.

When I say it gets muddy, I mean that I'm immediately aware when interacting that the weight and respect, and the level of attraction, that I give to her isn't matched. I stumble then, and get too anxious to just be as I would with anyone else. It's about vulnerability, I think.

And when I say it's a riveting thing to see, I mean from an academic point of view. To operate like that, you'd need to understand how people work at their innate levels and leverage it with subtlety.
 
Back
Top