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Old 09-25-2017, 03:47 PM
paraselene paraselene is offline
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Default presumed mono maybe finally making a shift to poly?

I met my non-monogamous partner five years ago and chose to date him despite being freaked out by the concept of polyamory, which was brand new to me at the time. I've spent those five years coming to terms with his active dating life, learning to look to my own needs, cultivating platonic friendships, and growing a lot, but still feeling a little left out and blue when he's with someone else.

I've been on and off OkCupid many times over the years to see if I could balance things out a bit by dating other people myself, but I never met anyone I clicked with, and I eventually concluded that I'm hardwired to be attracted to one person at a time and that's that. Monogamy has always felt natural to me, so I figured I'd just embrace it and keep learning how to feel secure as the mono half of our pair.

Lately, though, as my partner and I have slipped into companionate love and our sex life has slowed down, I've started to want more. So last week I hopped back on OkC, and to my surprise, I met someone I really like and feel attracted to.

And now I'm in a bit of a tailspin, trying to process this idea that maybe I *could* be in two relationships at the same time, which has seemed impossible before now. It feels like a huge shift and I'm excited and scared at the same time.

So my question is, are there other people here who were sure they were mono but then unexpectedly gained a second partner? And if so, how did you adjust to the change?
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Old 09-25-2017, 06:55 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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You might be interested in this blog by another member who is in a similar situation: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=92762
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Old 09-25-2017, 07:14 PM
paraselene paraselene is offline
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Oh, indeed, this looks very interesting. Thanks for the tip.
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Old 09-25-2017, 07:53 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi paraselene,

Sounds like you are experiencing some exciting changes in your life; I am inclined to say congrats to you. It's okay for it to be scary as well; life comes with no guarantees, and things are extra risky when a significant change is taking place. I think your best bet is to take it slow; and, I hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going, which will help us offer updated advice.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 09-26-2017, 10:20 PM
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Jpk83 Jpk83 is offline
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I'm 33 m. Mono my whole life married for 8yrs to my wife.

I started a thread in here not too far down. Mono couple turn polish beginnings.

We met this lady N 10months ago. We became friends and in a few short months we all became super close. I guess she had a crush on me since the beginning. Me and N got closer feelings started to develop. Told my wife about it. Long story short it didn't work out. I think there's many parts we all could handle it better.

But I never had intentions to leave my wife. Our marriage is stronger than ever this year. And it really caught me by surprise that I was trying to make room for N. Mono turned poly?

I think human emotions are complex and can't really be categorized just by two words poly or mono.
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:55 AM
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PolyNatural PolyNatural is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paraselene View Post
... eventually concluded that I'm hardwired to be attracted to one person at a time ... Lately, though ... I've started to want more. So last week I hopped back on OkC, and to my surprise, I met someone I really like and feel attracted to ... And now I'm in a bit of a tailspin ... So my question is, are there other people here who were sure they were mono but then unexpectedly gained a second partner?
The thing is that there's a difference between being poly and living a poly lifestyle. If we're "hard wired" for anything, it's non-monogamy, while monogamy is the result of socialization and social conditioning. Love and relationships also appear to be things we're "hard-wired" for. We don't learn them. We either fall in love or we don't, we're either attracted to someone or we're not, and humans have formed relationships naturally since as far back as the fossil record goes.

Nevertheless, nature and nurture are both powerful forces in shaping our behavior, so most people in Western culture are brought up believing they are mono. But no matter how socially conditioned we are, eventually our natural selves will shine through and that's all that's happened to you. It's perfectly normal. The challenge now is for you to make it work for you in as positive a manner as is possible, and if your poly partner is truly poly he'll be able to help you with that.

BTW I'm also on OKC, but having zero luck. I live in a city of over a million people, and there's nobody compatible on that site near me. So if you've found someone who relates to you being poly, you're fortunate. I hope it works out for you!
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