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  #1  
Old 03-11-2019, 02:25 AM
stillfiguringthingsout stillfiguringthingsout is offline
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Default How to handle snide remarks from meta?

Hi All,

Well I need your advice again. Things have been going well for my SO and I. I have learned to recognize when his wife/my metamour's behaviour gets to be too much for me, that I just stay away and ask him to come to my place, which he happily does.
If you read my previous posts, I think you'll see I've definitely improved, becoming more mature in how I handle my own jealousy and insecurities where she's concerned. I don't spend as much time there and things have been good.

This past weekend, I had been feeling quite ill and rather than cancel our regular plans of getting together, we went ahead and spent the weekend together, at his house.

He rarely gets the opportunity to 'take care of me' so he seemed quite happy to make me some soup, cover me with a blanket on the couch...all very loving things to help me feel better. And all the while, in the back ground, his wife would be saying comments like" wow, you don't move that fast when I'm sick" (which is a lie, he busts his ass for her daily, showing his love for her in very physical ways, ever. single. day.) then respond to his comment with " I know hon, I'm just teasing..." this went on all weekend. I didn't engage or comment or even react. But I was steaming inside.
He treats her like a queen, seriously, he really does.
And I was thinking about it this evening, when I was home, and wonder if she's jealous? Why else would she say those things? To make him feel guilty?
I'm not sure how to handle when she does this, which is quite often, she says a snide remark and then follow up with 'just kidding' or 'just teasing' and laugh.

I'd appreciate your input

Thanks
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Old 03-11-2019, 06:45 AM
SEASONEDpolyAgain SEASONEDpolyAgain is offline
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Maybe it was uncomfortable for her to see her husband waiting on someone else in her home.

I think sometimes "secondary" partners can confuse someone taking care of their responsibilities with "busting their ass FOR their partner". I've heard someone complain because a spouse asked that they spend more time together as a couple and not co-parents. Secondary saw his time with his kids as time with his wife so didn't want him to spend more time away from her.
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Old 03-11-2019, 09:48 AM
ref2018 ref2018 is offline
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Why couldn't he have come to your place to care for you while you were sick?
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Old 03-11-2019, 11:46 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ref2018 View Post
Why couldn't he have come to your place to care for you while you were sick?
This.

Also, some couples just have a dynamics of weird "teasing" comments which make all my alarm bells ring, but it does work for them. Whether it is their way to keep contact or manage jealousy, maybe it's the best way there is for them.

If you think these have a hidden purpose, you COULD speak up/ask to help her be more direct and less manipulative. I can imagine something like this: 'I noticed you making these 'jokes' a few times now. They make me feel like ___(I intrude). Is something wrong? Would you prefer that I leave? If not, would you mind stopping those comments around me? '
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Old 03-11-2019, 06:47 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Why did you invade her home while sick?

I would not be happy about that in my home. I am asthmatic as are my children. Plus I am going thought other health issues.

He could have taken care of you at your home.
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  #6  
Old 03-11-2019, 08:06 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi stillfiguringthingsout,

I do not know why your meta makes those snide remarks. Maybe she wants your SO to feel guilty. Maybe she wants *you* to feel guilty. I take it you do not want to give up spending weekends at his house. She is going to make those remarks while you are over there, so you might as well figure out how to handle them. Perhaps you can work on snazzy ripostes, such as, "Wow, you must be sick out of your mind all the time, to not notice how he busts his ass for you." Then if she complains about your comment, just say, "Haha, can't you take a joke." But maybe you don't want to play her game? or stoop to her level? in which case you could say, "That is apparently funny to you, but I find it rather offensive. I have just as much right to his attentions as you do." Or maybe you would find that too confrontational? in which you could say something somewhat in-between, such as, "Wow, I would never talk to my husband that way."

About your only other option would be to say nothing, and yet somehow figure out how to not be upset about her comments. Perhaps the thing to do is to talk to your SO when your meta is not around, and tell him, "Honey, I get very upset when she makes comments like that. Could you talk to her about it and ask her not to do that anymore?" or you could ask her directly. When she makes a snide remark around you, just say, "Please don't tease like that around me." Or like I said you could just say nothing, and try not to be bothered so much by her comments. Think to yourself, "Well, I am in her house and maybe this is her way of marking her territory." Or think to yourself, "Well, she is probably just jealous, that is her problem to worry about." Like, don't think so much that her behavior is something you need to fix. Let that be between her and her husband. You could even agree with her, something like, "I know! I love the way he pampers me!" Diffuse the situation.

Anyway those are just some random ideas, hopefully one or more of them would work for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #7  
Old 03-12-2019, 12:21 AM
stillfiguringthingsout stillfiguringthingsout is offline
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Thank you Tinwen, I appreciate your input. I really like how you worded exactly how I was feeling, as yes, they do have a weird teasing dynamic. I'm working to not interfere in their 'thing' but I like the words you chose because yes, when she does that it does make me feel like I am intruding - I just couldn't put my finger on how I was feeling.
Much appreciated!
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Old 03-12-2019, 12:24 AM
stillfiguringthingsout stillfiguringthingsout is offline
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Thank you Kevin, I like all of your suggestions. I'm trying hard to just let them do their thing.
Much appreciated!
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  #9  
Old 03-12-2019, 12:27 AM
stillfiguringthingsout stillfiguringthingsout is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Why did you invade her home while sick?

I would not be happy about that in my home. I am asthmatic as are my children. Plus I am going thought other health issues.

He could have taken care of you at your home.
Invade is quite a strong word, and as I am a fairly compassionate human being, if what I had was contagious then I certainly would have insisted we be in my home.
What I was looking for was help with how to deal with her comments, and I received that from other members.

Thanks
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  #10  
Old 03-12-2019, 12:36 AM
stillfiguringthingsout stillfiguringthingsout is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SEASONEDpolyAgain View Post
Maybe it was uncomfortable for her to see her husband waiting on someone else in her home.

I think sometimes "secondary" partners can confuse someone taking care of their responsibilities with "busting their ass FOR their partner". I've heard someone complain because a spouse asked that they spend more time together as a couple and not co-parents. Secondary saw his time with his kids as time with his wife so didn't want him to spend more time away from her.

yes, I'm beginning to think that it may have been uncomfortable for her despite her reassurances otherwise. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not the only one who might be dealing with jealousy etc.
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