Need help please!

Panda

New member
Hello,

I have some serious questions that I hope you can help me with.

I am a straight 20 year old guy.

I met my girlfriend through a mutual friend.

When I started to have feelings for this girl I asked her if she was seeing anyone.

She told me that she was not but that she was pansexual.
I didn't really understand what that was, so I looked it up and basically deduced that it meant that she loves people for their hearts not their parts. I told her I was cool with that.

She told me that our mutual friend was her girlfriend and that their relationship was "interesting". That's all she told me.
I assumed that this relationship was in the past, our mutual friend lives in a different province where my girlfriend used to live until a few months ago when she moved here.

Now I see my girlfriend talking online about how she's polyamorous. She tells people she has a boyfriend and a girlfriend. She talks about it as if the other girl is definitely still a romantic and sexual partner, or will be when the other girl moves here where we are.

Big problem. I don't want to be in a poly relationship with her and the other girl.

I am a virgin. My girlfriend is my first serious girlfriend. She's sexually and romantically experienced with men and women, which I don't mind at all.

But I thought she and I were going to be exclusive. That is the only kind of relationship I want. Especially since this is my first relationship.

I love her very deeply. She says she loves me too. Everything is perfect EXCEPT for the fact that whenever I hear about her relationship with the other girl I feel like I'm being kicked in the guts.

She's coming over for the long weekend. We live about 2 hours away from each other and I work full time so we only see each other on weekends.

I am so nervous about talking to her about how I feel about her polyamory. I don't want to lose her but also I don't want to give her an ultimatum, like it's me or the other girl. I don't have any romantic feelings whatsoever for our mutual friend whom I've known for quite a while and I know I never will.

What should I do? I respect my girlfriends ideas, but I also wonder if the polyamory is only something she's doing because our friend talked her into it because our friend (who is older than us and has been poly for quite a while) told her it is the way to be.

I just turned 20 and my girlfriend is 19.

I'm just feeling sick over this. I love this girl so much, but I can't share her with another romantic or sexual relationship that she seems keen to continue to pursue.

I need to know what to do by the weekend when she comes here.

Please help me.

Respectfully,
Panda
 
Honestly, I would definitely confront her with your feelings about it. It doesn't sound like she has been honest or up front with you, and if you were under the impression that you were going to be exclusive or monogamous, then it is completely unfair and dishonest of her to call herself polyamorous and to date or mess around with other people.

If poly is something she wanted to explore with you, she should have brought it up to you and discussed it, rather than just having another relationship on the side behind your back.

She may not be ready or willing to have a monogamous relationship, and you need to be prepared for that if it happens. If poly isn't something you think you could ever be interested in, then don't do it just so you can stay with this girl. It can and most likely will lead to a lot of hurt feelings and resentment.
 
Thank you Musical Rose.

Yes, I did not understand what pansexual or polyamory was so when I said ok I didn't know what I was saying ok to. But I really thought from what she said that she and the other girl were in the past.

I thought that she and I were now a couple. Now from what she says to the other girl online I see that they're still together, so what am I? 5th wheel? I know I would never want any romance with the other girl, she's a good friend but there are no other feelings.

And I know that I feel so hurt thinking of my girlfriend being intimate with another person. Even though I know with poly that she can love both of us, it just doesn't seem, at least at this time, like something I can handle.

As I mentioned this is my first real relationship, I want my first time sexually to be special. Maybe old fashioned for a guy but I'm an old fashioned gentleman even though I'm only 20.

She's staying the weekend so I think this is something I have to talk to her about when she first arrives. Otherwise I will be too stressed all weekend.

I really love her, and I know I have to prepare myself for the worst case, that she will say that she will always want other intimate relationships and can't be exclusive to me. Sigh...

Thank you for listening and for your advice.

Panda
 
As I mentioned this is my first real relationship, I want my first time sexually to be special. Maybe old fashioned for a guy but I'm an old fashioned gentleman even though I'm only 20.

I'm confused by this statement, unless what you really wanted to say, is that you can't feel special if she loves this other girl also.

Big problem. I don't want to be in a poly relationship with her and the other girl.

For some reason it sounds like you think your gf expects you to be sexual with both of them. I highly doubt this would ever be the case.

You and your gf need to do some serious communicating. You both seem to have made a lot of assumptions. I'll bet she thought you understood that when she said "pansexual" she really meant... and you assumed this other girl was in the past without getting clarification. Since your here on the board, do some tag searches on communicating and mono/poly type relationship. There is a great deal of information that is essential to ANY relationship format. At least when it comes time to walk away because you KNOW you can't share your gf with anyone, then it won't be a decision you took lightly without some research.
 
Thank you for your reply Sneacali.

I see that I didn't explain myself well at all in the first statement you mention.

What I mean is that I would hope that the person with whom I choose to be intimate with would want the same sort of relationship that I do, that we would be committed and possibly in the future consider marriage and a maybe a child.

So if it ended up that my first time was with someone who didn't feel able to at least think of this as a possibility then it would kind of not be a good thing for me.

Not that I can't feel special if she loves the other girl, but that I would feel bad if I was just "another person" and not the only person she would be intimate with. If her relationship with the other girl is friendly love I'm great with it, but if it's still sexual then I'm not comfortable with it.

Not to be disrespectful to people who are poly, I have nothing against it, it's just not for me. Like I don't care for football but I have nothing against people who do and I respect them.

I also did not communicate well about my feelings with her and the other girl.

I'm very confused right now. Very very confused. Sorry.

I could not be romantic with the other girl, no, but also I could not handle if we did end up married or living together and she wanted the other girl to move in with us and she wanted to be with the girl intimately, even if it was without me.

I'm just a confused mess. I only found out about the polyamory this week, by reading her tweets on the internet. We haven't spoken about it and I'm just nervous about how to bring it up without hurting her and I am also sad that this may end the relationship that she and I have.

When I said I'm an old fashioned gentleman I mean I want the regular relationship thing. One girl, hopefully forever, a family and that sort of thing. To be a couple. Nothing to do with religion, I'm agnostic. Just my personal ideas of what I want for my life.

I guess that's why she's my first real relationship. Most girls these days don't want that. Sad face. They want to be casual. Or, something new I just learned, some are poly.

I guess I have a lot to learn about relationships.

Thank you for your help.

Sad Panda
 
oh, and I did search around for other posts about situations like mine but I couldn't find any. :(
 
There is nothing wrong with wanting a more traditional style of relationship. It sounds like your girlfriend hasn't been quite honest with you and that isn't fair. I know you don't want to hurt her, but she did set herself, and more importantly you, up for a lot of hurt by not being forthcoming from the beginning. She has a fault in this, and it isn't your job to protect her from the consequences of that mistake.

I'm very sorry that your first introduction to the idea of poly is a situation like this.
 
Thank you Musical Rose.

I guess she thought that since I said I was fine with Pansexuality that I meant I was fine with everything else. When I asked her what pansexuality was she only told me that it means she can love men or women. I thought it was kinda like being bi, and then I looked it up and thought it meant that she was more into emotional intimacy than physical, I just got confused but thought that she only had one relationship at a time.

The poly stuff I only found out by reading her twitter that she posts publicly, not @ me.

I will have to ask her why she didn't come right out and tell me at the start when I asked if she was seeing anyone that she was poly. Or ever bring it up to me. Or tell me that she still considers herself in a relationship with the other girl. Maybe she knew I was old fashioned in romance and would not want to be her boyfriend. I don't know.

She's told me she's had a few boyfriends and girlfriends, and that the other girl was even engaged to someone else when they were together - and I assumed they were over with - she would not give me any details but to say it was a complicated relationship. And at no time did she tell me that it's still going on, and to find out about it on twitter makes me feel really awful.

She doesn't know that I know about the poly stuff. Or I don't think she does, maybe she mentioned it and I thought she was talking about pansexuality. I had never heard of either pan or poly before. So I may have got confused. Maybe she did mention it and I didn't know what she was talking about. I'm quite dyslexic and have auditory processing delay. That can cause oral communication problems for me.

She is arriving on Friday afternoon while I'm at work, my mom will be picking her up. I guess I will talk to her Friday evening when I get home. I hope it doesn't go bad, because she's taking a greyhound bus here and is staying until Tuesday, so if it goes bad it will be really awkward since her buses are already booked.

I'm just really really really confused about the whole thing. And scared.

Thank you for your help.

Confuzzled Panda:confused:
 
Sounds like there is a lot of confusion between the two of you right now. In your post, you said you want to clear things up, and you want to start to do that the moment she arrives for the weekend. That's great.

Tell her everything you feel and ask her how she feels about everything. I would not put so much emphasis on the fact that she is your first relationship. I would focus on getting to know her, and letting her get to know you. Treat it like an adventure.

You sound nervous, but overall your attitude is wonderful. Relationships are an ongoing process. This weekend will not be the last time you will want to clear things up with someone. Focus on opening your heart to her. Give her the chance to open hers to you. See where that takes you.
 
  • I assumed that this relationship was in the past
  • Now I see my girlfriend talking online about how she's polyamorous. She tells people she has a boyfriend and a girlfriend. She talks about it as if the other girl is definitely still a romantic and sexual partner, or will be when the other girl moves here where we are.
  • Big problem. I don't want to be in a poly relationship with her and the other girl.

Now you have learned NOT to assume in relationships.
You have learned to ask for details and to ask what your partner is seeking.
You have learned to state very clearly what YOU are seeking.
You have learned when things come up -- you need to go to your partner and go -- "so wassup with....?"

So catch it up NOW before you go further. Speak your truth and clearly state your wants, needs, and limits. Ask her what she wants, needs, and what are her limits.

And if it isn't a match up, part ways. Fast and CLEAN. Then see about being good friends as exes.

You BOTH deserve happiness in the way you want your relationships to come. You are also both young.

Life is long, and it isn't all pinned on your first serious relationship though it may feel intense. It can be -- but sometimes it's largely because it is the first time these things are felt. You gain perspective over time... and really? It's all going to be ok. You always get to learn new things in your relationships and it helps you to grow in relationship skills. So it isn't a loss -- you become more YOU.

Just remember to Speak Your Truth so you can sort yourselves out.

It is nobody's fault it's not a matching. That is WHY it is dating. Seekers are seeking.

Hang in there!

GG
 
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You might want to consider having her not take the bus on Friday, and clearing this up on the phone or skype or what have you.

You have a right to have what you want. You have every right to feel what you feel. There is no need for you to feel badly about not knowing what you didn't know. You could feel a little (JUST A LITTLE) badly about not asking. And, as GG says, now you know to ask instead of assume stuff.

I'm sorry this feels so harsh to you. I, myself, hate being in confusion. I was in a meltdown last week (not about love, but about work) and it was just awful.

I just want to advocate for your clear communication prior to her arrival. I know for me, being in someone's presence, seeing their face, hearing their voice directly, being able to smell them, all those things make it much harder for me to be clear-minded about what I want FOR ME. How I feel. Because all I feel in their presence is longing for them.

You have said you don't want to lose her, but I wonder if you can re-frame that. You're not 'losing', you're discovering that you thought you were a match, and you're actually not-so-much. This is WHY people date. This is why you wait to have sex. I'm assuming you were waiting for something. It's a great blessing to find out prior to having sex, that this is not really the person you wanted to have sex with. You're gaining the ability to find the person that truly is a match for you. The person who can love only you, the way you want to be loved.
 
Thank you so much

Wow, I'm so thankful to you lovely people for responding and helping me. As a person who isn't poly I didn't know what to expect coming to a poly forum, if people would tell me to just try it and I might like it or what, but I want to say that you have made me feel welcome and comfortable and much better about myself and my situation. *panda hugs*

So I read all the advice, thought about things and called my girlfriend. I told her how I felt, that I didn't understand exactly what poly was and that I wished she'd told me what it was instead of just vaguely alluding to it and leaving me to research what it was. I also told her I was hurt and embarrassed to have to find out on twitter that she was still in the relationship with the other girl.

She started crying and at first I thought "OMG, I've hurt her, now I have to backtrack and say it's ok" but then I remembered what you all said and I just let her cry until she was done. When I didn't respond to her crying she stopped and told me she was sorry.

She did say that she would never give up her girlfriend though. So I suggested that maybe she should not come here this weekend. Not because I'm angry but because it seems that we want very different things in life. That maybe we need to reevaluate our relationship before taking it further.

She then said that her girlfriend is in another province so I don't have to worry about her having intimacy with the girl. Well, to me that is not really the issue, the issue is that if I plan a life around her but she's not into the same plan then it is just silly to pretend.

So she insists on still coming here. We are going to talk when she's here. I talked to my mom about it. My mom and I are very close, like best friends. Mom is picking her up at the bus tomorrow and will talk to her before I get there. She really likes my mom and relates to her so I think this will be good. My mom has been mentoring her on how to get a job (she's kinda lazy and sometimes doesn't get up til noon) and mom has told her that looking for a job IS a full time job and she seems to be listening, so hopefully she listens to my mom about relationship stuff too. My mom is open minded and not judgmental so she can see both sides but of course she will look out for me first.

So I've decided that I will not have any sexual intimacy with my girlfriend if we still have lifestyle incompatibility. Sex is special to me. I've waited this long for the right girl, and if my GF is not the one then I will continue to wait. I can love her without sex. I have so far.

She says she's a very sexual person and that's why she wants to be poly. To me it seems she just wants a lot of experimental sex. She's had sex with quite a few people already, even just casually with no relationship, and seems to look at sex as a pastime whereas I look at it as a special thing to share only with a girl I want a future with.

I will not be a sex toy. If I wanted to I could have had sex with many girls. I've had lots of girls (and guys) hitting on me since I was 14 or so. But I always said no. I think I belong in a different era. I'm weird, I know. But I'm ok with being weird. It's who I am.

So she will arrive tomorrow afternoon, my mom will pick her up and take her to our place and have some wine and chats. Wine should make it easier for my GF to talk I think. I'm buying her favorite kind, and some snacks that she likes.

I will text my mom before I get home to see what's up. Hopefully it will have gone well.

I won't get home until about 3 hours after she arrives.

Then I will take my GF out for dinner and we can talk just the 2 of us.

I know that we may end up just good friends and cuddle buddies, but I would rather have that and know that's all it can ever be if she insists that she needs open relationships than have my heart destroyed by trying to make something work that can never be. At least I hope I'm strong enough to carry out my plan.

She can't understand why I can only be with one person. I can't understand why she needs open relationships. She says she and her GF have never had a problem with each of them having romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people. She says it means they're secure in their relationship to know that it's solid. I say that just makes me another sex toy with money. So if she's just wanting me for my money and sex, I don't understand her way of living.

Sigh...,...,being an adult is hard. I think I should just stick with loving my cats. Haha, not really but at least it's safe.

Thank you for listening to me and for helping me. I have a lot of thinking and decisions to make this weekend. I appreciate your help, understanding and support. I need to be strong.

Panda.
 
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She can't understand why I can only be with one person. I can't understand why she needs open relationships. She says she and her GF have never had a problem with each of them having romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people. She says it means they're secure in their relationship to know that it's solid. I say that just makes me another sex toy with money. So if she's just wanting me for my money and sex, I don't understand her way of living.

Hi Panda,
I'm Mono and my partner is Poly, and believe me, while we connect quite closely on a number of things (and seem to "share a brain" fairly often), we really did NOT understand how the other thought/felt about relationships, and I believe we both made some assumptions that made communication extremely difficult. It took time for us to both realize that, even if we don't Grok where the other is coming from, that it truly is a difference in how we love, and not a desire to use anyone or be selfish on his end, nor a self-imposed restriction on mine.

She and her GF may not have any issues, but that doesn't invalidate the fact that you do (and others might), and it doesn't make what you're feeling "wrong". And her desire to have multiple relationships doesn't necessarily mean she's "using" anyone. If she is Poly, then yes, she may truly love the both of you.

I urge you both to take a lot of time communicating and trying to understand the other's point of view, whether or not you end up as a "couple" - it could be quite valuable to the both of you to have a close friend who understands the other (as much as you possibly can). :)
 
I say that just makes me another sex toy with money. So if she's just wanting me for my money and sex, I don't understand her way of living.

This is an incredibly disrespectful way to view your girlfriend, just because you can't comprehend how her mind and heart work.

She and her GF may not have any issues, but that doesn't invalidate the fact that you do (and others might), and it doesn't make what you're feeling "wrong". And her desire to have multiple relationships doesn't necessarily mean she's "using" anyone. If she is Poly, then yes, she may truly love the both of you.

I urge you both to take a lot of time communicating and trying to understand the other's point of view, whether or not you end up as a "couple" - it could be quite valuable to the both of you to have a close friend who understands the other (as much as you possibly can). :)

This!
 
Thank you YouAreHere.

The reason why I started wondering today if my GF is attracted to my money is because she's unemployed, lives with grandma and hates it, has never had anyone spend money on her and now she has me, I take her out for fine dining, give her money and buy her things. That could make her think she loves me just because she's always been poor and struggling and all of a sudden this guy spends all this money on her and NOT that she's a gold digger but suddenly being wined and dined when she's only been taken out for burgers at fast food places before by other broke guys and girls, even her main GF is dirt poor and can't hold a job, may have something to do with her falling for me.

I don't know. I could be wrong.

So this time when she comes I'm not giving her money or buying her things and no fine dining in restaurants. I'm quite a chef, been cooking and creating my own recipes since I was 7 years old, so I'll just cook for her at home.

I am really happy for you that your relationship is working. :)

And happy to meet a guy who's mono and is with a poly and knows what it's like.

I think maybe that this is just too much for me for a FIRST ever relationship. I'm just turned 20, she's 19.

I thought we had a lot in common because we both like the same music and like video games. And we love cats. Pretty lame reason to fall in love, huh? And she's really cute. And she has the same ailments as my mom. Maybe it's a comfort thing for me and not love? I don't even know anymore.

And I'm lonely. I'm shy.

If I had other relationships to compare this to it might be different. But I don't.

I think I'm babbling like a fool. Haha.

You're probably right, that she loves both of us.

I don't know where my head is now. I guess I'll find out this weekend.

Just ignore my babbling and confusion please. I'm not usually so scattered, but I'm at work and trying to deal with everything and ... this Panda needs to calm down and just chill haha.

thank you.

Panda
 
Sneacail I'm really hurt by you calling me incredibly disrespectful. You don't know me. I'm not ever disrespectful of anyone. I just have blurt-itis and say stuff without thinking.

I mean no disrespect to my gf. But she talks about "toyboys" and has even called me her boy-toy or toyboy or whatever, but I thought it was kidding but then I thought maybe she meant it.

I am not able to really deal with what you called me so I'm just going to respectfully not talk of it any more.

I'm sorry if I sounded like a jerk. I'm not. I'm just a confused inexperienced guy who should think before he types.

Respectfully, Panda (who can be incredibly stupid but never disrespectful)
 
Panda, kudos to you for being open-minded and level-headed about this and being willing to consider the advice of other people on this forum.

As a poly female, I am able to love more than one person and it isn't just about sex or using people for sex and money. Believe me, I could use people like that if I wanted to, and I've had some guys actually ask me if I would just because they wanted to be with me. (I refused, because that isn't the kind of person I am or want to be.)

You two definitely do have different perspectives, but it doesn't mean hers is bad, just like it doesn't mean yours is bad. Some people are mono, and some people are poly. The best way is the way that works for each individual person. There is no blanket best way that applies to everyone.

It honestly sounds like she might be poly, but is insecure about it and isn't sure how to bring it up to other people. This doesn't excuse her behavior, but it might be a starting point to both of you being able to grow. If she learns from this that being dishonest doesn't help her to get more love, she might start fostering a habit of being more honest and up front. It usually isn't too hard to find fellow poly folk if you do some digging around and make it known first and foremost when meeting new people.

I wish the two of you the best of luck working this out. It sounds like there is potential for great friendship relationship there, even if a romantic relationship is off the table. And if she truly is poly, then she should probably have a focus toward having all of her relationships be positive relationships in her life, romantic or otherwise.

I am glad we made you feel safe to share and be open with us.
 
Musical Rose you are so nice it is making me cry. I am taking a break from talking on here for a bit tho because I think I'm coming across as an incredibly disrespectful jerk in some people's eyes and that's not who I am but I think I word stuff wrong and have been "thinking in text" and just writing every feeling and thought that pops into my head without thinking about how horrid it may sound.

I'm very insecure, I have social anxiety and get panic attacks.

I'll come back later with well thought out words when I feel able.

Panda
 
Panda:

You are handling a tough situation in Jedi Player ways. I commend you. Nobody wants to be dealing in Muppet Show dramas.

I think I'm coming across as an incredibly disrespectful jerk in some people's eyes and that's not who I am but I think I word stuff wrong and have been "thinking in text" and just writing every feeling and thought that pops into my head without thinking about how horrid it may sound.

I want to lift these things up from what seems to be developing as a "journal thread" with you talking out loud as you guide yourself through your waters.

I don't think you sound like a jerk.
I think you are sounding like a person writing in a journal trying to sort themselves out... and seeking a little feedback here and there while doing so. You might ask a mod to move it over to the BLOG thread area for you.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=5

She started crying and at first I thought "OMG, I've hurt her, now I have to backtrack and say it's ok" but then I remembered what you all said and I just let her cry until she was done. When I didn't respond to her crying she stopped and told me she was sorry.

This was good. Let internal weather just blow on through. You do NOT have to "fix" tears. Just let it blow on through and let the person return to a place where they can speak again. Hand tissues. Pat pat there there. If they emotionally flood, reschedule the talk for another time when heads are cool. That is compassionate response. Some things take more than one talk to get all the way across and it is ok to set another time to talk if emotional flooding has happened.

But YOU are not responsible for feelings being felt, esp when you are doing nothing with mean intent. It's just internal weather. You ARE responsible for how you choose to behave, and compromising what YOU want just to make another stop crying and be "happy" is not Love.

There is a certain amount of give and take in a mature relationship, sure.

But entering a polyship YOU CLEARLY DO NOT WANT is not helping you or her any -- it's not even the relationship model you want to be in for yourself!

That's is not certain amount of give and take within a relationship model you want to be in to maintain the happy medium and live together harmoniously. THAT would be compromising your own integrity and that's just not an option if YOU wish you be happy in yourself and in your life. If she wants a polyship, she deserves to have it with people who really want to be in polyship of some kind (and there are many models!) with her and work with it. If you want to be in monogamous relationship, you deserve that for you with people who really want to be in the same monoship style with you.

That is fair. You each get to pick for your own life.

So I suggested that maybe she should not come here this weekend. Not because I'm angry but because it seems that we want very different things in life. That maybe we need to reevaluate our relationship before taking it further. So she insists on still coming here. We are going to talk when she's here. I talked to my mom about it. My mom is open minded and not judgmental so she can see both sides but of course she will look out for me first.

Good on you! Your GF did not want to respect a soft limit you put out of sorting through a bit before meeting up in person. Perhaps to be able to keep cooler heads?

But she INSISTS on talking in person. I don't see what talking in person covers that cannot be done by phone. So be on guard for her throwing herself emotionally or sexually at you. It sounds horrible -- but let's keep it real.

I do not know EITHER of you, I'm some stranger. But you have a girl who sounds from your writings like she is very loose with her emotional boundaries there and she talks about people as "boy toys" -- people are not THINGS. They are PERSONS. So good for you seeing that you could be not seeing entirely clear because you are in NRE, and it's the first big relationship for you. Turning to your mom for aid was smart. You are guarding your own emotional health bucket -- or trying to -- in age appropriate ways. At 20 years old, you are a young adult person but could still benefit from experienced adults giving you sane advice. There is nothing wrong with being inexperienced and wanting to proceed in your life journey in a SANE WAY.

Kudos for owning your own baggage!

Remember your promises to YOURSELF:

I think maybe that this is just too much for me for a FIRST ever relationship. I'm just turned 20, she's 19.

So this time when she comes I'm not giving her money or buying her things and no fine dining in restaurants.

the issue is that if I plan a life around her but she's not into the same plan then it is just silly to pretend.
I've decided that I will not have any sexual intimacy with my girlfriend if we still have lifestyle incompatibility. Sex is special to me. I've waited this long for the right girl, and if my GF is not the one then I will continue to wait. I can love her without sex. I have so far.

I know that we may end up just good friends and cuddle buddies, but I would rather have that and know that's all it can ever be if she insists that she needs open relationships than have my heart destroyed by trying to make something work that can never be. At least I hope I'm strong enough to carry out my plan.

You may consider just breaking up and turning the volume down to friends without cuddly business. Being cuddle buddies with her may delay your finding/seeking Another that is more the fit of what you seek from Life because THEY don't want to get involved with someone who has some cuddly bunny on the side.

There is NOTHING wrong with you being monoamorous AND seeking a monogamous relationship structure. You want what you want. Your life is your life. You are entitled to live it how you want to live it.

You do NOT have to be monoamorous and poly friendly so you can accept and handle being a monoamorous person in a poly structure like a "V" or something because she wants that from you. She can want that. But YOU decide if you can give that or not honestly -- and say an honest no if you cannot. Do not compromise your own values and desires on something so core.

You both can be sad it isn't a runner, but at 19? Her wailing and crying and wishing to have both when clearly YOU are not wishing this is kinda... fresh.

Chalk it up to age in inexperience or not yet adult mature rather than outright mean -- but the bottom line is still the bottom line. The 19 year old is thinking about HER wants first. Not what is best for you (the partner) or what is best for the relationship overall. Just wahhhh... want what she wants and waaaaahhhh can't have it! This is her opportunity to grow herself into a better her by learning to respect other people's wants, needs, and limits more gracefully. She has opportunity to learn to state what she wants, needs, and her limits are more forthrightly from the get go.

This is YOUR opportunity to learn how to know and state your own wants, needs, and limits and how to firmly but kindly say NO when you come to find your dating partner is not quite it. So that you can keep your integrity and balance even when it is a challenging situation.

If this ends up as a break up, it is opportunity for BOTH to learn how to break up well and with grace and give yourselves aftercare. That's a valuable skill. In dating life, the odds are that you will use that skill again.

Breaking up well can be awesome -- I have one break up that was excellent! We laughed, we cried, it was great! And we were friends for a long time. It was very healing to be able to grieve together over having tried for a long while and reaching the end of the run and landing it well.

I still smile when I think of him.

You are not that much older than her, but have a much better handle on that "keeping it real" thing. I salute you. You may be new to practical dating experiences, but you are wise in your ways. You just don't know it yet.

Hang in there, Jedi. Love well, Love hard. Stay true to yourself.

Namaste,

GG
 
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I just wanted to say Panda, you show incredible self-awareness and inner strength and sometimes we don't get a lot of that on this forum, so this kind of awesome to read.

I don't really have any advice besides whatever has been said already, and you've come to some conclusions and hard limits for yourself beforehand, so I'd say you're on the right path. You're doing good, seriously.
 
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