Tension within triangular relationships.... Help?

Rattledembones

New member
Long question, but hopefully one or two of you might be able to help me maybe....

I'm in a relatively new relationship with two people who are married to each other with a 18mth bubba - we had amazing connections and feels right from the beginning, and I didn't really hesitate at the idea of being in a poly family, so moving in was pretty much a no brainer. I have an amazing connection with my male partner - he has thrown himself in to it all so I think his fearlessness has rubbed off on me. I also feel like I have an amazing connection with my female partner, although it has been a lot slower and more cautious on her part (maybe because I'm the first woman she's been with).

Lately, however, things have been quite tense. When I'm with my girlfriend, she seems to be happy, and is very open about her feelings (almost too open, she complains about him a lot). But every time I spend time with him alone, especially if there may have been sex involved, I can feel her become distant, irritable and passive aggressive. I think he has noticed it as well - I went through a stage of feeling like I shouldn't be having sex with him without her and I think he has been feeling the same way sometimes. One of my ways of trying to help her feel more comfortable has been to move the extra mattress into their bedroom so that we're always sleeping together, because that had been something she had hinted that she wanted - but now I am really missing having my own space (not to mention the occasional privacy with this guy who I'm now missing like hell even when he's in the same room).

I have no idea what to do. When we first started, both of them emphasised how important it was to be open and honest about this as much as humanly possible - but I think they only understood this in theory and not in reality. Neither of them want me to go, and they say they both love me - but there's just this undercurrent of emotions and distance and nobody's really telling me anything. Has anyone ever been here? Has anyone got any ideas? Because I love both of them, and I want this to work so so much, but this is just repeating and repeating and I have no one to ask for advice.
 
I you really want it to work, move out and get your own place. Wait until you've been together for at least a year before you move in with them. I'd say that moving in too soon was the biggest mistake you made. Not only is your gf dealing with her first same-sex relationship, and the opening of her marriage, but there is no escape to process anything because, well, you're there.

You all need space. Be proactive and make it happen.
 
Hi Rattledembones,

I think you need a fresh start on this relationship, and moving into a place of your own would be part of that. Another part would be establishing one-on-one time with him and then (separately) with her. Spend time together all three of you as a triad only sparingly. Your girlfriend seems to have a fear that you will steal her husband. You can't prove yourself if you can't be with him alone.

I hope that helps ... I know it isn't easy.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry you struggle. If things keep repeating, then you have to change a behavior to expect different results.

I think you could live on your own also. It seems you rushed in too fast and now there's not enough physical boundaries nor emotional boundaries. Could move back out, backtrack, and have a "do over."

Lately, however, things have been quite tense. When I'm with my girlfriend, she seems to be happy, and is very open about her feelings (almost too open, she complains about him a lot).

You could ask her to dial down the complaints to you. You are now inside the system. It would be better for her to vent OUTSIDE the system to another person. If she wants moral support when talking to him, you could offer to go with her if you are willing to prevent triangulation. But when she asks you things, she could ask for your consent first. "Is it ok to ask you about ____? And you give me feedback?"

THEN tell you the thing if you consent. Not just dump a load on you.

Because it is one thing to ask for feedback like "X does this behavior that annoys me. I plan to ask him to do Y instead. If I ask him like this _____ ....Does it come across as aggressive? Is there a different way you would make the request?" That might be reasonable.

But if she's turning you into emotional dumpster and never solves her problems and just unloads her UGH on you? That's not your job. To be her emotional dumpster so she can AVOID doing her conflict resolution with him directly. Sniping about him to you on the side IS passive aggressive and you could tell her you are not willing to listen to that stuff and you prefer she address him directly instead of telling you. Be firm in your boundaries.

But every time I spend time with him alone, especially if there may have been sex involved, I can feel her become distant, irritable and passive aggressive.

So let her deal with her emotional management on her own. She can ask for help if she needs processing it.

Or ask directly. "I notice whenever there's sex with male partner, you seem to get distant or passive aggressive. Is something wrong? Is it poly hell things? Something else? Do you need my help with something?" if you want to offer that.

But every person has to hold their own emotional baggage and process their own stuff. Can't be gunny sacking and exploding on people or expecting others to carry all the bags for them.

I think he has noticed it as well - I went through a stage of feeling like I shouldn't be having sex with him without her and I think he has been feeling the same way sometimes.

Every dyad in a polyship needs time on its own. What is the problem she's having? And how does (you + him) not having sex solve her problem? Or help her AVOID dealing with her problem?


One of my ways of trying to help her feel more comfortable has been to move the extra mattress into their bedroom so that we're always sleeping together, because that had been something she had hinted that she wanted - but now I am really missing having my own space (not to mention the occasional privacy with this guy who I'm now missing like hell even when he's in the same room).

Don't be a mind reader and take "hints." If not an actual request, don't do it. That's not helping her become less passive. Ask her to articulate her requests directly.

Only co-sleep as a trio when all three want to enjoy cosleeping as a trio. Don't be doing that just to "bandaid" something else. Get to the root of the actual problems. She cannot be policing you both and your activities -- your sleep, your sex life... that gets suffocating.

You have a lot going on. But start with having a home of your own and do not move in together again until you know it's a long haul runner. NRE lasts anywhere from 6 mos to 2 years. Wait til NRE blows over. What's the rush? Where's the fire? :confused:

When we first started, both of them emphasised how important it was to be open and honest about this as much as humanly possible - but I think they only understood this in theory and not in reality. Neither of them want me to go, and they say they both love me - but there's just this undercurrent of emotions and distance and nobody's really telling me anything.

Could live up to the "Open and honest" policy on YOUR end then. So at least you are showing up to the table and holding up YOUR end of the stick.

Could say something like....


"We share an open and honest policy. I need to check in.

I have tried living together for ____ weeks and come to realize it was rushing in too fast in a lot of ways. I need to move out, and date you both more slowly. Separately and together. I need time alone, I need time with BF, I need time with GF, and I need time with BF and GF together. That would feel more balanced to me. Right now I have too much GF and BF time together, very little time alone or privacy, not enough time with just BF, and not enough time with just GF. This doesn't seem like balanced time management to me.

I plan to move out on _____ , and once settled I would like to talk about better time management with you two and how to build this relationship in a more sustainable way for the long haul. I also want to talk about clear communication. I love you both and that's what I would like -- long haul.

I do not want any more "jump in feet first think later" rushing. I've learned that does not work for me. I've learned a lot, and I thank you both. But I think we could learn from this and have a "do over" so we start on the right foot and not keep going down a wonky path."​

This is your triad to participate in. So PARTICIPATE and sort what needs sorting out.

Galagirl
 
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This is your triad to participate in. So PARTICIPATE and sort what needs sorting out.

Yes, OP,it isn't just up to them because they're the married couple. It's your life, and your relationships, so don't leave it all up to them. Take the bull by the horns and not only make a stance but take action to create what you need in relationships.
 
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