Jumping the hoops to make relationships work

If I send you a FB message, and I see that you have been on FB several times today and have not even looked at my message, I will know that I am not a priority to you, and will adjust our relationship accordingly.)

Really? I didn't know you could tell how often someone logs in to FB. I didn't even know you could tell whether someone was logged in or not, never mind how often. How can you see that?
 
Possibly you can tell if someone's logged on to Facebook if they're available for chat? Of course, I have my Facebook chat function turned off, so technically I appear to be logged off all the time.

Oh wait I think I get it. If someone's made several comments on Facebook during the day, then you know they had to be logged on when they posted those comments.
 
Both... if someone's available on Facebook chat, obviously they're logged in, and if they've posted statuses or comments, they had to be logged in to do that. I don't think there's any other way to tell if someone's been on there or not.
 
I think it's an important thing for people to acknowledge that we all have personal criteria for what works for us.
The key isn't in everyone being the same, but in finding people who are compatible.

I can't imagine pursuing Nyc for example. That would be CRUEL to HER. Because I already know that my lifestyle and my expectations aren't going to mesh with hers.

Part of figuring out if you are compatible, is being clear about what is or isn't important to you. I used to find that concept confusing. Because I would get all mixed up with what was fair/unfair.
But-it's not about fair/unfair. It's about real.

The reality is, it may be unfair that I don't want to date someone who wants to have children. But-I don't. SO if I am clear I AM being fair-because I am making sure that people who want to have children don't waste their time on me.

Likewise with STD testing. I'm pointblank clear about it. If they have an issue with it-it's a clear sign to me we are not compatible.

Some people are compatible enough to be distant friends.
Others are compatible enough to be close friends.
Others are compatible enough to be lovers.
Others are compatible enough to be roommates.
ETC.

I don't care about STD testing in terms of being friends.
But if we're going to get it on, I care.
If someone isn't ok with that-they aren't compatible enough to be my lover.

That's a hoop, if they aren't interested in jumping through that hoop with me-that's FINE-but I'm not going to fuck them.
 
Both... if someone's available on Facebook chat, obviously they're logged in, and if they've posted statuses or comments, they had to be logged in to do that. I don't think there's any other way to tell if someone's been on there or not.

Not necessarily-my cell phone is logged in, so my fb always shows me available for chat-even when my phone is sitting on the table. I frequently have people pm me over and over when I am not actually ON my phone.
 
I have certainly honed my criteria over the years to reflect what I think is acceptable for a romantic relationship, and even more recently I have set more clear boundaries about time and availability. If a partner cannot meet them, then I have to seriously decide whether it is a viable relationship. These are very subjective things that are specific to me and my needs, and may not apply to everyone. But, I have discovered that certain things are important to me (When we are in the middle of a conversation, please dont go and play Words with Friends with me. You are TALKING to me for Pete's sake... If I send you a FB message, and I see that you have been on FB several times today and have not even looked at my message, I will know that I am not a priority to you, and will adjust our relationship accordingly.)

@willowstar,

I totally get the Words with Friends thing. That would really annoy me too.

But the FB thing bothers me. Yes, these are your subjective needs and nothing to do with me. But that part strikes me as controlling. Why do you make the assumption that an lack of an quick response means you or the relationship with you means little or nothing? There is no correlation between a fast response time and commitment level. Is it to manage your anxiety?

I am trying to understand and I have to admit I am failing.

I suppose I have an 'opposing' for lack of a better term rule. I can't be in a relationship with someone that demands I answer a text, phone call or FB message in a certain amount of time. I also don't understand the assumption that means anything about my commitment. For example, I will respond to a communication, but it may take a while. But I will respond. I usually respond the same day, often within an hour or two but I can't guarantee that. So people I am dating know that I will respond to them but I don't guarantee a time frame. I often have time to drop in on FB and see what is going on, read messages and posts. But I don't have the time right then to write. I do so later. I expect the same from my partners. There is no time frame to respond.
 
I get so many spam messages on Facebook that I rarely look in my inbox.

The guy I have talked about before on here, Frank, used to have this issue with his ex, Pat. Pat was struggling with the poly thing and often used to send quite deep messages to Frank about her feelings etc. Now Frank, like her, would be at work whilst this was going on so many times, he would be able to read the message, but wouldn't be able to formulate the type of reply the message warranted due to work duties. She would feel rejected and ignored because she didn't get the quick response she felt was necessary given the dire straits their relationship was in.

Also, with the Facebook thing, the way my app works is that I wouldn't be able to see that Frank had messaged me without opening my inbox. It isn't that I'm ignoring Frank, specifically, I just havent checked my inbox but may have commented or written on my timeline.
 
It's funny, because I expect my partner(s) (current and future) to be poly/non monogamous too, it wouldn't bother me if they wanted something huge like a baby and I didn't because my expectation is that they'll not need to meet all their needs through our relationship. They can have a baby with another partner.

I guess if I was pretty sure my partners were going to be unable to seek these things with other people, then I'd have to make rules saying I can't date anyone who wants kids or to emigrate or whatever because I'd be the only one who could meet that need.

If someone said I can't date you because you want kids and I don't, I'd know that their intention was to try and force me into a monogamous relationship. On my side at least.
 
@willowstar,

I suppose I have an 'opposing' for lack of a better term rule. I can't be in a relationship with someone that demands I answer a text, phone call or FB message in a certain amount of time. I also don't understand the assumption that means anything about my commitment.

Same with me, but I don't guarantee I'm going to respond to every text or message sent to me; I generally do, but I'm that can't be a deal breaker for a person if they want to be associated with me. In my world this kind of standard regarding how quickly a person responds to a text message demonstrates separation anxiety and abandonment issues. While I understand that people have all manner of mental health issues (I know I have mine), that particular set just isn't compatible with my personality. This goes for friends, romantic partners, and family.

Like LR said, it's just a matter of living in reality. That person and myself would be an absolutely miserable combination so it would quickly need to be voiced (and hopefully we'd have the good sense to break up immediately).
 
On the communication issue, I try to be diligent in my replies out of courtesy. If someone is important to me and reaching out to communicate then I at least acknowledge the message even if I can't respond in depth. Usually something along the lines of: got your message, will respond at length later. It lets the other person know I value the communication even if I can't deal with it at the moment.
 
@willowstar,

I totally get the Words with Friends thing. That would really annoy me too.

But the FB thing bothers me. Yes, these are your subjective needs and nothing to do with me. But that part strikes me as controlling. Why do you make the assumption that an lack of an quick response means you or the relationship with you means little or nothing? There is no correlation between a fast response time and commitment level. Is it to manage your anxiety?

I suppose I have an 'opposing' for lack of a better term rule. I can't be in a relationship with someone that demands I answer a text, phone call or FB message in a certain amount of time. I also don't understand the assumption that means anything about my commitment. For example, I will respond to a communication, but it may take a while. But I will respond. I usually respond the same day, often within an hour or two but I can't guarantee that. So people I am dating know that I will respond to them but I don't guarantee a time frame. I often have time to drop in on FB and see what is going on, read messages and posts. But I don't have the time right then to write. I do so later. I expect the same from my partners. There is no time frame to respond.

Yes Facebook chat does let you know whether someone is logged in currently as well as how long ago they were if they are not currently.

Sorry if my answer came across as flippant. I should give some context for my response. I agree that expecting someone to reply within a certain amount of time is unreasonable. People have lives. For the most part i send a message knowing they will respond when they can. The particular situation I am referencing for myself is one where this has become a repeating scenario. I message him. He knows very well that this is our only method of communication right now. He does not even check. For days. I am not upset because he doesn't reply right away. He just doesn't reply at all... I have not heard anything from him at all since Thursday morning. And we used to talk all day every day for hours. It is a huge deviation from our "normal".

So, because I have my own needs for pretty regular communication with partners (a once a day hello would be sufficient), and I admit that I am still mourning this particular relationship right now (he suffers from depression and is not able to really communicate or relate to anyone) I felt as though the best thing for me was to pull back and adjust my expectations for the relationship.
It's not a snarky response to him not replying immediately. But at some point, when you message someone a few times over the course of a few days and they don't reply, you kind of have to take that as a message in itself. I feel like a stalker and that is NOT who i am or what I want him to feel like. Perhaps when he finally gets on some meds (which he has been trying to do for 6 weeks now) we will be able to talk about what happened and make some repairs to the relationship.

Hope that clarifies. :)
 
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