Emotional Co-Dependence

Is it possible to become emotionally dependent on someone even if you don’t live with that person?

My partner Ganga mentioned prior to meeting in person that’s what he likes about polyamory is it frees him from that.

Last night he discussed with me how he’s feeling, over extended. It is 3 months in, fitting me into his life and staying on top of his priorities. It’s his issue and he said such but he’s feeling hmm I sense afraid of his feelings for me.

He also mentioned emotional attachment while he was working out his thoughts. I sense his feelers towards me are more than he wants to accept for himself.

I explained to him, again, just because I said I love you while playing the other night, in no way am I expecting it back nor am I asking for commitment.

For me love feels great aka NRE. But how does one help with their words a lover discern emotional attachment isn’t a bad thing (as long as autonomy is retained) and that it doesn’t have to become emotional co-dependence?
 
Is it possible to become emotionally dependent on someone even if you don’t live with that person?

My partner Ganga mentioned prior to meeting in person that’s what he likes about polyamory is it frees him from that.

Among other things, co-dependence is about hyper-focus on another person and hyper feeling (either positively or negatively) based on the words and actions of another person. Co-dependence is about lack of reliance on own's own inner guidance and over reliance on cues from the other. Co-dependence is about the need to control in order to feel (temporary) security. Living with someone has little to do with co-dependence. Polyamory has little to do with co-dependence. Polyamorous people are not more and not less prone than monogamous people to codependent thinking and relationships.
 
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That makes me think of a certain other thread, Casual love--YES, PLEASE.

Thank you. I have shared the article in that thread with Ganga a few weeks ago. I do not know if he’s read it or ignored it. I did discuss in the email more of what my “love” statement(s) are my feelings and they’re deep and intense yet without expectations of changing my autonomy nor his.

I swear I pick ones that interpret my directness of my lack of expectations, that I desire for our interactions together to grow organically and that I so much love my independence, being a home owner, not living with other adults, personal time that I don’t want to change that status quo and why I’m solo poly. Ugh
 
I swear I pick ones that interpret my directness of my lack of expectations...

In all fairness this this guy, I'd say that most people would interpret a declaration of "I love you" as an intention of commitment of sorts. You met each other three months ago and are still very much in the early days, so "I love you" at this point is understandably a bit much. If someone is feeling the same connection, then "I love you" is an absolute joy. If someone is not, then "I love you" would be disconcerting. The first "I love you" is a big moment in most relationships, no matter what type. If you're standing by your lack of expectations, then offer it as a gift with truly no expectations. Let the gift be enough for now. There is no way to help him if he is fearful or not feeling what you feel right now and trying to only lands you uneasy territory. If you truly mean it, stand by your "I love you," let him work out his stuff on his end and allow this to unfold on its own.
 
The first "I love you" is a big moment in most relationships, no matter what type.
Just to complement the picture, I must say this is a bit of a quirk of the American culture to place so much weight on these words. While these words do carry some weight, I can't recall there being similar upheaval about the first time being so significant over here in Europe. It's perhaps because NRE is allowed to be called "love" as well, so the expression doesn't carry as much commitment.
 
If you truly mean it, stand by your "I love you," let him work out his stuff on his end and allow this to unfold on its own.

He and I spoke last night. He’s definitely needing space to sort where he’s at out. How he is feeling is all over the place. Our in person conversation was good. He expected me to yell at him (not in context to this post but I let him know his comments to me Monday evening regarding seeing him when I had my oldest watch my youngest was a bad choice I made in his opinion so now all of a sudden he’s questioning if we’re aligned on parenting {I felt judged by this—he’s made choices to go to this swinger party Saturday when it was his kids night, yet to him the adult choices were completely different in his opinion} it felt like he was grasping at anything (all of a sudden judging me) to convince himself we’re not on the same page) so that’s why he thought I’d yell.

And he was a little upset by my assumption he was going to break it off. He knows me pretty well...he could feel my thoughts.

But to show him I do love him without exceptations I will be the one to make a “break” happen. He didn’t ask for a break he just isn’t able to say if we will have plans this weekend or not. With that out there it dawned on me while he and spoke he can’t say “No” to me. I need to make the space he needs by not initiating contact with him until Sunday. I have made plans with myself for Friday night (meeting local poly peeps from Facebook) and Saturday day (rope tying class in which I really really want to tell Ganga about as he’s interested in ropes, alas, I will not). I also have plans in the works to meet someone for a coffee date to discuss RA (met him at a poly thing in Dec).

It’s all I can do after our talk last night.
 
I think the thread is moved on from here but with regards to:

...I'd say that most people {Americans} would interpret a declaration of "I love you" as an intention of commitment of sorts. You met each other three months ago and are still very much in the early days, so "I love you" at this point is understandably a bit much. If someone is feeling the same connection, then "I love you" is an absolute joy. If someone is not, then "I love you" would be disconcerting. The first "I love you" is a big moment in most {Amerocan} relationships, no matter what type...

Just to complement the picture, I must say this is a bit of a quirk of the American culture to place so much weight on these words. While these words do carry some weight, I can't recall there being similar upheaval about the first time being so significant over here in Europe. It's perhaps because NRE is allowed to be called "love" as well, so the expression doesn't carry as much commitment.

I have posted my thoughts on this a few times over my years here..in particular when I said my first "I love you" to Dude.

I will certainly believe that there are cultural interpretations of this phrase. When I was in Germany at age 17 (more than a quarter of century ago :eek:), I was surprised at how serious teenagers seemed to be about their first relationships...with the "love" and the commitment /exclusivity angle. It seemed to me that the expectations was that you let your NRE run wild with your first relationship - if that didn't work out then you would "sow your wild oats" in your 20s - but "sleeping around" was a young adult, as opposed to adolescent phenomena.

This modern German video seems to say that in German most people also are careful to make the distinction as to what "love" they are talking about: Ich liebe dich vs. Ich hab dich lieb
 
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