These are not needs expressed in a way I find clear cut.
Yours is clearer than his though.
It' basically been me saying " I love you and I want to be with you, but I need time to heal from recent mishaps, before I can start to consider change.
I could be wrong, but to me that sounds like....
- I love you.
- I want to be with you.
- I need EMPATHY from you at this time.
- I want to heal from recent mishaps. (You are in charge of spending time on healing)
- I want time to do it in before I start thinking about new changes. (You are in charge of taking the time you need if you need a time out)
He says" I love you and I want to be with you but I need for us to start changing and I need it now."
I could be wrong, but that sounds like
- I love you.
- I want to be with you.
- I need _______.
- I want us to make changes. I want them now.
- I do _____. (He is in charge of this)
- You do _______. (He sounds demanding rather than ASKING you if you are willing to do this. Right now the answer is "No, not willing at this time. Healing first.)
He seems to confuse wants with needs. Also not a very patient or empathetic sounding person. What is his need that is so urgent it has to happen NOW? Where's the fire?
If he wants changes right now and you cannot do it right now, you could say "No, thank you. I am taking a time out to meet my own needs for healing first." You could be willing for him process his disappointment with that answer on his own. He could handle his stuff.
YOU could handle your stuff. You could take the time you need for YOU to heal and be healthier before dealing with the next thing. Because you put your health and well-being ahead of anything else -- even this relationship. That is not selfish -- that is necessary. No loving partner wants you to run dry, hurt, or break yourself.
I think this approach could be a lot less stress for you in the long run:
If both cannot co-handle things together? Be ok saying "no." Be ok with with him dealing with his stuff and you dealing with your stuff separately first. Before trying to come back together to solve the next problem.
Galagirl