The Accidental Polyamorist

I hope Boho does well in her recovery! I’m glad to see she’s so on top of her health. My MIL was diagnosed last year with breast cancer, but she waited so long to tell anyone she had a problem since she was in denial. She went from stage 3 to 4 since then and has many serious complications. Since Boho’s was found so early, I’m sure she’ll come through it like a champ!! Rooting for her (and you!)

Thanks, Jayla. She's recovering well from the initial surgery and has already gone back to work.

I'm so sorry to hear that about your mother in law. It certainly does pay to get on top of these things early. Boho is on a bit of a crusade to get other women to keep up to date with their mammograms.
 
Thanks, Jayla. She's recovering well from the initial surgery and has already gone back to work.

Wow that's amazing! I hope she doesn't need chemo or radiation. Surgery is nothing compared to chemo, as far as suffering. But then again, I wouldn't want to lose a breast. I think I'd rather be sick for 18 months from chemo than lose a breast.

Mostly because I am poly and yet older, and need to hold onto what physical assets I have...

I'm thinking Boho just had a lumpectomy though?
 
Mags, yes, Boho has just had a lumpectomy thus far, plus lymph node removal. But she will undergo radiation in a few weeks, when she's completely healed from the surgery.

She has an appointment with the surgeon this Friday and will find out then whether or not there is anything affecting the lymphatic system, and from there a course of treatment will be decided upon. She MAY have to undergo chemo, we don't know yet.

Yeah, she's not keen on losing a breast (the "good boob" according to her), but her specialist seems confident it won't come to that.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts... I know you've been through the wringer as well.
 
Mags, yes, Boho has just had a lumpectomy thus far, plus lymph node removal. But she will undergo radiation in a few weeks, when she's completely healed from the surgery.

She has an appointment with the surgeon this Friday and will find out then whether or not there is anything affecting the lymphatic system, and from there a course of treatment will be decided upon. She MAY have to undergo chemo, we don't know yet.

Yeah, she's not keen on losing a breast (the "good boob" according to her), but her specialist seems confident it won't come to that.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts... I know you've been through the wringer as well.


You're welcome. I've heard radiation isn't as bad as chemo. Not that it's fun. I hope her lymph system is FINE.
 
Turns out a couple of Boho's lymph nodes were minorly affected. She is now waiting for the numbers which will determine whether or not she'll have to undergo intravenous chemotherapy. :( Oncologist appointment next Friday...
 
Boho is in surgery as I type. This is her second surgery in relation to her cancer diagnosis - the first was the lumpectomy to remove the tumour itself. This time they're inserting a catheter port through which the chemotherapy drugs will be administered.

It should be a relatively simple procedure, but to say I'm worried would be an understatement. :( My main concern is how the chemo will affect Boho's health and well-being on a daily basis, considering she's planning to continue working to whatever extent she can manage.

My other concern is that I can't physically be with her during this time, to take care of her practical needs and so forth... being in a different country and all. We tried to work out some way Jester can visit, but with Boho's treatment schedule and him being in school on the other side of the country, it just won't be feasible.

The next time we'll all be in the one place will be December, for Christmas and Jester's birthday. Boho's doctor has okay'ed the trip even though she won't be quite done with chemo by then.

At risk of this blog becoming a running commentary about Boho's illness... I probably should introduce another, poly-related topic at some point.

So... we have once again been discussing the dynamic between the three of us, in advance of our joint vacation at the end of the year. Since the last visit (when I spent a month in The States last year) and through Boho's and my European get-together earlier this year, we have stuck pretty much to the "V" structure we decided worked best.

I don't think that will change... however, in discussing the subject with both partners separately over recent days, it appears everyone is willing to give a more inclusive, group dynamic a shot. Not necessarily a triad or full-on group sex... but we all seem to agree that shared demonstrations of physical affection (PDA) aren't completely off the agenda. After all, it will be difficult to spend weeks in the company of BOTH my partners and NOT have some crossover occur in that regard - but to what extent is anybody's guess at the moment. That said, we won't make the mistake we did last time by not fully discussing boundaries, limits and agreements before we embark on this next adventure.

A lot will also depend on Boho's physical condition and emotional state at the time, of course... I am very mindful of this. I have no idea yet how the cancer treatment will affect her desire for intimacy of any kind, let alone sex itself.

There is also the little matter of Jester's drug use. Although he's slowed down a LOT since I first met him, he still uses various substances recreationally. When I stayed with him last year, I really had no idea what he was doing or when. We're a lot more open about the subject these days - a necessity for me. I have made it plain that one of my boundaries is a need for "informed consent" on my part. And by that I mean I am not willing to share sex with someone who is under the influence; especially if I haven't been informed that that is the case. In my eyes, that is a serious breach of both trust and consent.

On a happier note, Jester has been more communicative lately, and genuinely seems very excited about the trip. He is also immensely concerned about Boho. I don't think I realised how much he really loves her until recently - even if that love is not "romantic" per se.

He has been much kinder and more affectionate towards her these past few months than he ever was when they were "together". I'm not sure why exactly, but in a way, I think seeing how deeply I value Boho's presence and unique gifts (and I'm not talking about material gifts) has opened HIS eyes to how wonderful and selfless a person she really is.

Jester still has some ways to go when it comes to actually communicating freely and unselfconsciously with Boho though. In fact, they both tend to be a little stilted around each other, still; a dynamic which I'm sure has its roots in the way they ended things between them years ago, and also the drama that occurred last April between the three of us. In trying not to overstep their "just good friends" role, they sometimes find it hard to actually just TALK naturally, as true friends would. Of course, Jester finds it difficult to keep a convo going at the best of times :p while Boho is definitely a "talker", so there is that. I am somewhere in between.

Darker territory again: A strange little incident happened while Jester and I were messaging the other day that brought home to me the fact that I still struggle with something akin to PTSD where he is concerned, due to the way he (mis)treated me and lied (gaslighted?) to me for nearly a eighteen months.

(( In anyone else, I would fully believe his past behaviour was the mark of a narcissistic personality, however in Jester's case I'm almost certain there was no "malicious intent" - but rather, inherent cluelessness due to an autistic-like mindset, mingled with drug-induced apathy/neglect regarding my needs at the time and occasionally vitriolic outbursts when "cornered" or questioned. ))

Anyhow, I'd asked him a question via message, then drifted off to sleep for a few minutes. When I picked up my phone to check his reply, I saw an expletive-filled "rant". Immediately I started shaking with the beginnings of a panic attack. It only took me a few seconds to realise his message was NOT directed AT me, but was in answer to something I'd asked about a red-tape-laden form he was trying to fill out. (Oops!) However, the effect of his words had automatically taken hold... and I couldn't stop the panicky feeling nor the outflow of tears which followed. :(:confused: I guess that's something else to bring up with my therapist next time I see her.
 
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I see my therapist tomorrow and it can't come soon enough for me. I don't know if it's normal or not, but I really look forward to these sessions.

Oftentimes I don't feel like I can share my darker/deeper thoughts and emotions freely with other people in my life - either because I'm naturally a quiet-ish,self-contained person who doesn't like to draw undue attention to myself, or because I worry about burdening people with my problems which never sound "dramatic" enough to bother others with - so having this lovely, empathetic, yet no-nonsense woman to share stuff with is such a blessing and a relief.

Boho's first chemo treatment went well. No pain or nausea (yet), though she has been abnormally tired and says she's already beginning to lose some hair. I am worried about her of course, but we're both confident she can deal with "whatever" happens along the way.

The only other "newsworthy" event that has happened since my last blog entry is that Red, my soon-to-be-ex-husband came to stay from Thursday night till Monday morning. Obviously he wanted to see our daughter, but the main reason was so we could get this divorce show on the road for real.

We literally sat down together and went through all the paperwork, signed everything and returned it to his lawyer. They weren't too happy I'd signed in his presence (apparently that's a no-no), so they're sending me out an additional form to go through independently. I guess that makes sense, although it's all amicable and there's nothing in dispute.

Everything should be finalised within a couple of months, although I do need to see a financial advisor in the meantime because I'm really no expert when it comes to investments, taxation law or retirement fund regulations.

After Red and I filed the forms and visited the bank, we went and grabbed ice-cream together. I'm sure many people are wondering why on earth we're even getting a divorce since we get on so well - but neither of us are prepared to stay in a "companionate" marriage for the rest of our lives.
 
Craving physical touch

So, I'm just going to put this out there even if it makes me sound like a terrible or shallow person... because, you know, it's my blog.

Being the hinge in a V in which BOTH my relationships are super long distance can really take a toll; in particular, regarding the ability to connect intimately on a regular basis.

I haven't seen Jester in person since last year(!) and it's been five months since Boho and I were together. Right now I am really missing sex and physical touch in general. So much so that I find myself craving sex, physical intimacy, kissing... even a full-body massage would go a long way to relieving this lack of human contact.

When Jester and I first got together online, we were extremely hot for each other and heavily into cyber-sexting, role playing fantasies and the like. But once his NRE wore off, this slowed down and became less urgent (for him).

In Jester's day to day life, he is not a person who needs a great deal of sex, by his own admission. I think he views it more as a physical release/bodily function than a means of expressing love and intimacy- well, not in such a way that he seeks to engage in prolonged sessions of exploration for its own sake- though he enjoys sex well enough. He is also ten years older than me, and the difference in our libidos is quite marked.

Boho is a different story. Her major love language is physical touch and even when we're thousands of miles apart, this is obvious and we both make the time to satisfy each other however we can. Last time we visited, she and I had just begun to explore a bdsm D/s dynamic and were both enjoying our experiments in this area.

However, since her cancer diagnosis, this has obviously been put on the back-burner. Her health and well-being is the priority now, as it needs to be, and I am supporting her in whatever way I can. Boho feels some degree of guilt that she's not able to be the girlfriend she had been and wants to be, in a number of ways.

My next trip to the US will be in December, when I will spend the holiday period with both Boho and Jester. We are ALL looking forward to this time together immensely. Naturally, I am excited to reconnect with my partners in person on every level... and I had been very eager to engage with both again in the physical sense in particular, as that is mainly what's missing due to the long distance aspect.

But now... due to Boho's health issues... things may turn out very differently than I/we had imagined, dreamed and fantasised about for so long. For one thing, she will probably be severely run down, lacking in energy and possibly physically sick as a side effect of chemo. She will also be immuno-compromised. I know the idea of not being able to be intimate with myself and/or Jester is breaking her heart, because she'd had it set on this visit being "perfect" in every way.

I am doing my best not to allow her to think it's going to make any difference (and it won't to my feelings, at all). However, as our times together are so rare and precious, I can't help but have some feelings of trepidation, guilt and, yes, disappointment that we won't be able to make the most of this short time in the way we'd intended. Nothing anyone can do about that, of course. It is what it is, and we will all deal.

Yet... my cravings for sex and physical gratification remain. I can always masturbate to alleviate the immediate "itch", and I do. But that doesn't satisfy the need for human touch and connection.

Our "V" is well and truly "closed", which was a model agreed upon by everyone involved. None of us feel the need for any other partners, though both Jester and Boho are monogamous with me, despite the distance. Lately however, when those feelings of deprivation hit, I've found myself wondering about my "poly" status... and vaguely contemplating what it'd be like if I had another lover or FWB.

I've never had casual sex or a one-night stand and am more or less demisexual. So these thoughts of taking on another lover/partner make me feel disloyal... callous and cruel, given Boho's current situation and limitations. They also make me feel hypocritical since, of the three of us, *I* have consistently been the one who has suffered feelings of jealousy and insecurity at the idea of either of my partners engaging sexually or romantically with anyone else.

I never intentionally sought out a poly lifestyle, but only started a second relationship when the one with Jester was not meeting my needs due to his substance use and lack of communication. If not for that, I'd probably still happily be in a mono relationship with him now. But shit happens, as they say, and I truly love Boho and there is no turning back. Still, as a human being, I have physical needs as well as emotional. I'm not sure what will be possible, come December, but let's just say it can't "come" soon enough!
 
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An addendum to the above:

I realise I'm being a whiny baby about this "lack of sex" issue. I also realise my current relationship situation is MY choice.

I think the "problem" is that up until recently, I've always been very lucky when it comes to sexual matters. I'm able to have multi-orgasms with ease and I've always had attentive, skilful partners. The longest "dry spell" I'd ever experienced in my adult life was about 15 months between my first and second serious, long-term relationships (when I was celibate by choice).

During previous relationships, I'd never really been turned down when it came to sex, so I knew I could get it whenever I wanted. However, this all changed over the last three years due to my current relationship structure and agreements (LD; closed). I will be sooo glad when I can finally move overseas on a permanent basis.
 
Luna, I see no need to apologize for missing touch and sex. It's a human drive, a need even. There is something so nice about cuddles and touches. And orgasms are so much better (usually, for me) when a partner is doing things to me and it's not just my own fingers or vibrator doing all the work.

I know you suffer from agoraphobia (and I think you're on the autism spectrum somewhat? Have you said that?), and it's difficult or impossible for you to get out and meet local people for possible relationships, platonic or romantic? You met Jester and Boho online and just kind of fell into romantic relationships with them. Due to your personal limitations, this has mostly worked out well for you.

But I just wanted to say I hear you when you speak of missing touch. You feel frustrated, lonely.

I find that touching platonic friends, animals or children is another way to get a degree of healthy touch. Of course, I am not suggesting that there is anything sexual at all about petting a cat or dog or snuggling with a baby or young child. But domesticated animals and kids love to snuggle and be petted. It's just healthy! It's what mammals need to feel connected to life! I do have two good (adult) friends, T and K, who are great huggers, and sometimes we sit close as we talk and hang out. And K has 2 dogs, one of whom adores me. He drapes himself all over me when she brings them to visit. Such a dear pup.

I also have a less close, newer friend, who is a very busy young mom. But we managed to get together yesterday at a playground. Her son is 18 months and just the cutest thing. So I got hugs from both of them too. It was so fun and refreshing and revitalizing. I call it getting a "baby fix." I love babies. One reason I was a La Leche League Leader for 25+ years.

My friend and I were both entertained at how other kids at the playground were so nice to her little guy. There was a 4 year old boy who had fun leading him around the playground and encouraging him to slide on the big slides, etc. One time he and i were helping the little guy get off a slide. The bigger boy touched the toddler's arms to help him, and then he said to me, "I didn't realize how cozy he was!" It was SO cute.

So, you are perfectly normal in your desire for touch. And I feel so badly for you and Boho that she is just starting chemo and is almost certainly going to feel very very tired when you finally get together again. I'd say, prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. I'm sure even if she's not horny, there will be times where she will enjoy just lying in bed in each other's arms. That will certainly be better than nothing.

I hope Jester is up for lots of humpy humpy even if Boho isn't, too!


One more thing, I'm glad you're amicable with your STBX. I think that is quite healthy. I'm quite amicable with my ex h as well. After all, there are reasons we were a couple for over 30 years!
 
I know you suffer from agoraphobia (and I think you're on the autism spectrum somewhat? Have you said that?)

Yup, that's me.

Luna, I see no need to apologize for missing touch and sex. It's a human drive, a need even... And orgasms are so much better (usually, for me) when a partner is doing things to me and it's not just my own fingers or vibrator doing all the work.

But I just wanted to say I hear you when you speak of missing touch. You feel frustrated, lonely... I find that touching platonic friends, animals or children is another way to get a degree of healthy touch.

Thank you, Mags. All of the above goes for me also. I'm not a particularly touchy-feely person under normal circumstances, however I AM human and do get cravings for touch/contact, and do enjoy a healthy/normal (whatever that is) sex drive... so I'm missing this due to the distance issue.

I live with my daughter Lola, and she has a little lapdog who's usually stuck to her like Velcro. Luckily, she loves to snuggle up with me also - the dog that is - although it goes for both, I guess, haha. It really does help. I've been wanting a dog of my own lately, probably for this reason, although I've resisted the temptation due to the imminent move overseas...

And I feel so badly for you and Boho that she is just starting chemo and is almost certainly going to feel very very tired when you finally get together again. I'd say, prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. I'm sure even if she's not horny, there will be times where she will enjoy just lying in bed in each other's arms. That will certainly be better than nothing.

I hope Jester is up for lots of humpy humpy even if Boho isn't, too!

Oh, she most certainly will want cuddles if not more. :) I'm trying to be realistic about it. And Jester is promising big things. ;) We'll see.
 
Well I'm glad you have your daughter's dog to cuddle, but December still seems a long time away, and your actual real move even longer!
 
Well I'm glad you have your daughter's dog to cuddle, but December still seems a long time away, and your actual real move even longer!

The months have flown by since I last blogged in this journal. Not only did I get a dog of my own, after all, in mid-October - she's six months old already - but December came around faster than anticipated, as these things tend to do.

...Which means my trip to America to see my partners has been and gone. And what a magical, yet relaxing time it was! The three of us just seemed to gel so naturally, it was as if we'd only seen each other the day before.

We didn't do too many "touristy" things, but rather, concentrated on reconnecting with each other. Which brings me to my latest news... or question... or dilemma... depending on how I feel about it on any given day. :p

Unlike the last trip, the dynamic this time seemed much more like we were a triad, rather than a V. Yes, we did engage in a handful of threesomes, and this time it all flowed very organically (so to speak), with really no jealousy to speak of, and no freaking out on my part - so completely different to last year!

Due to circumstances, I did get to spend a fair deal of time alone with my gf, Boho, but not so much with Jester, which was the only low point. I'd have liked more opportunities to just converse with him - and admittedly - have more one-on-one sex with him also... yet, I don't really have any complaints about the time we spent together. It was beautiful, and I'm grateful to have been able to celebrate both Christmas and Jester's birthday with him.

I guess in some ways, Boho's ill health (she's battling breast cancer and is almost done with chemo) played a part in Jester and I "coddling" her and giving her special attention. Not so that it was obvious or out of pity, but just because we wanted her to feel good, safe, loved and cared for.

But now I'm left with a lingering question in my mind regarding what our dynamic actually is: are we still a "V" with me as the hinge... or are we now a triad? It's difficult to tell. There was no sexual contact between Jester and Boho without me being present, I know that... however, they did seem closer and a few times I walked into the room to find them kissing or cuddling. Nothing really intimate or romantic, and I felt more surprised than jealous when it happened. It just leaves me with questions...

And, yes, after I returned home, I did ask Jester how he would now categorise us. His answer was something along the lines of "we're just 'us', it's all good". I don't know why I'd be hung up on a label, or even IF I am at this point. But considering we are still planning to move in together after I move to the States, it's just a question in the back of my mind.
 
Glad to hear from you, Luna! I've been wondering how you were doing.
 
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