Boho is in surgery as I type. This is her second surgery in relation to her cancer diagnosis - the first was the lumpectomy to remove the tumour itself. This time they're inserting a catheter port through which the chemotherapy drugs will be administered.
It should be a relatively simple procedure, but to say I'm worried would be an understatement.
My main concern is how the chemo will affect Boho's health and well-being on a daily basis, considering she's planning to continue working to whatever extent she can manage.
My other concern is that I can't physically be with her during this time, to take care of her practical needs and so forth... being in a different country and all. We tried to work out some way Jester can visit, but with Boho's treatment schedule and him being in school on the other side of the country, it just won't be feasible.
The next time we'll all be in the one place will be December, for Christmas and Jester's birthday. Boho's doctor has okay'ed the trip even though she won't be quite done with chemo by then.
At risk of this blog becoming a running commentary about Boho's illness... I probably should introduce another, poly-related topic at some point.
So... we have once again been discussing the dynamic between the three of us, in advance of our joint vacation at the end of the year. Since the last visit (when I spent a month in The States last year) and through Boho's and my European get-together earlier this year, we have stuck pretty much to the "V" structure we decided worked best.
I don't think that will change... however, in discussing the subject with both partners separately over recent days, it appears everyone is willing to give a more inclusive, group dynamic a shot. Not necessarily a triad or full-on group sex... but we all seem to agree that shared demonstrations of physical affection (PDA) aren't completely off the agenda. After all, it will be difficult to spend weeks in the company of BOTH my partners and NOT have some crossover occur in that regard - but to what extent is anybody's guess at the moment. That said, we won't make the mistake we did last time by not fully discussing boundaries, limits and agreements before we embark on this next adventure.
A lot will also depend on Boho's physical condition and emotional state at the time, of course... I am very mindful of this. I have no idea yet how the cancer treatment will affect her desire for intimacy of any kind, let alone sex itself.
There is also the little matter of Jester's drug use. Although he's slowed down a LOT since I first met him, he still uses various substances recreationally. When I stayed with him last year, I really had no idea what he was doing or when. We're a lot more open about the subject these days - a necessity for me. I have made it plain that one of my boundaries is a need for "informed consent" on my part. And by that I mean I am not willing to share sex with someone who is under the influence; especially if I haven't been informed that that is the case. In my eyes, that is a serious breach of both trust and consent.
On a happier note, Jester has been more communicative lately, and genuinely seems very excited about the trip. He is also immensely concerned about Boho. I don't think I realised how much he really loves her until recently - even if that love is not "romantic" per se.
He has been much kinder and more affectionate towards her these past few months than he ever was when they were "together". I'm not sure why exactly, but in a way, I think seeing how deeply I value Boho's presence and unique gifts (and I'm not talking about material gifts) has opened HIS eyes to how wonderful and selfless a person she really is.
Jester still has some ways to go when it comes to actually communicating freely and unselfconsciously with Boho though. In fact, they both tend to be a little stilted around each other, still; a dynamic which I'm sure has its roots in the way they ended things between them years ago, and also the drama that occurred last April between the three of us. In trying not to overstep their "just good friends" role, they sometimes find it hard to actually just TALK naturally, as true friends would. Of course, Jester finds it difficult to keep a convo going at the best of times
while Boho is definitely a "talker", so there is that. I am somewhere in between.
Darker territory again: A strange little incident happened while Jester and I were messaging the other day that brought home to me the fact that I still struggle with something akin to PTSD where he is concerned, due to the way he (mis)treated me and lied (gaslighted?) to me for nearly a eighteen months.
(( In anyone else, I would fully believe his past behaviour was the mark of a narcissistic personality, however in Jester's case I'm almost certain there was no "malicious intent" - but rather, inherent cluelessness due to an autistic-like mindset, mingled with drug-induced apathy/neglect regarding my needs at the time and occasionally vitriolic outbursts when "cornered" or questioned. ))
Anyhow, I'd asked him a question via message, then drifted off to sleep for a few minutes. When I picked up my phone to check his reply, I saw an expletive-filled "rant". Immediately I started shaking with the beginnings of a panic attack. It only took me a few seconds to realise his message was NOT directed AT me, but was in answer to something I'd asked about a red-tape-laden form he was trying to fill out. (Oops!) However, the effect of his words had automatically taken hold... and I couldn't stop the panicky feeling nor the outflow of tears which followed.
I guess that's something else to bring up with my therapist next time I see her.