I wrote a letter up. I plan on having him read it with me. I could I suppose just talk to him, but I really like having a letter. It just completely makes it easier. I can open up entirely and not forget something - he can ask me any questions, has the potential to respond - by either talking about it then or requesting to reply by letter also. I just feel like writing things makes you think more clearly and carefully and lets ideas fully come out without fear or hesitation or changing the topic.
Him and my husband are really similar and have a hard time talking about emotions and opening up *fully* about them. I think if he wrote me a letter back that would be most beneficial to him. and maybe to me too.
I know that there is the risk that he may not even want to make an effort at replying or thinking much of it. He may even be relieved at the idea of not keeping a friendship going.. who knows. My letter was really sweet and kind and written from the heart. I tried my best to be constructive. I copied and pasted it below but I don't expect you to read it because it's a novel. haha.
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Dear -his-name-here-,
Let me start by saying that I want to and think I am more than capable of channeling my love for you completely to friendship. There are times when I still think of you, and I think I will always have those thoughts. I will still think of you the day you came over and I wouldn’t let you leave, standing there with the door open and me yapping away. The excitement I had to spend my time with you was just bursting at the seams. The times cuddling on your couch and wanting to kiss you but waiting for many hours before doing so even though we had before. Looking into your eyes and just feeling the vibes of being around you. Feeling comfortable and cozy curling up besides you, laughing with you, and completely not watching the moving pictures across the television screen – yes those times were great.
There’s not really that much different between those times and the times I could see us having as friends. Yes there’d be differences, but the excitement to be around each other would still be there. The comfort and support we could offer each other. The shitty days that went by at work or school or wherever weren’t nearly shitty with the hours of time together to look forward to… and they can still be that way. Friends can lean on each other, laugh together, and make an effort to see each other. They get excited to see each other, have inside jokes, talk about real stuff, communicate, appreciate, and in some cases even love each other. Of course it is different, the kind of love that it is at that point.
The part that is hard is that we didn’t really transition to friends. We didn’t really do much. Neither of us was really eager to let things completely go – hence your asking for friendship and my wishful thinking. We both clearly liked each other. And we both could sense the intensely awesome chemistry we had. We knew we liked each other… how we felt at home with each other almost immediately. Now I don’t want to read too much into your feelings because you claim you always knew it was temporary and therefore never felt it like I did, but I seem to recall things that made me think you had the possibilities running in your mind. You called me babe, you held my hand, you cuddled me, you kissed me, you looked at me adorningly, you told me often of your strong feelings for me, you let yourself lose control for a moment and you got intimate with me. You enjoyed yourself; you let yourself be free to feeling things you hadn’t in a long time. Perhaps instead of you realizing that you felt this way because of your feelings for me, it instead gave you the hope that these feelings are possible with someone else. Now I won’t deny they are possible with someone else, because I am sure they are and will be. And I wish you all the best with this plan of yours.
Since we didn’t want to let go, we have really made a mess of it. See, you’re so focused on the idea of missing out on someone else that you are eager to get rid of the feelings you have/had for me. But in doing so, I feel pushed away, perhaps in an over-compensated way. We are killing these feelings slowly (it’s agonizing). Every day I get a little less from you. I notice it. One day, I feel I will get nothing from you. I don’t want to be a burden; I don’t want anything from you but friendship.
I want friendship in the sense that you want to text me, not out of habit or obligation. I don’t need to be texted every morning or every night or every day - just when you really want to. I like substance, not fluff. I want friendship in that you make an effort to schedule time to see me. It can be way less time. Once a month for all I care. I just want to feel that you want to spend time with me. I’d like to do stuff together, like activities. We can’t really sit around and cuddle (or sit around and not cuddle) anymore. I suppose romantic relationships are different in that you can do absolutely nothing and just show affection for hours – but as friends the sitting around just isn’t the same without the affection that once was. I’d like to get out and do stuff and laugh and talk about things in your life that you love and hear about your passions. I want to be a friend that you love telling stories to and thinking about silly things in life. I want to be a friend that you can act weirdly with, but not feel weird. I want to be a friend that you can be the biggest dork with, but feel accepted. I want to be a friend that you can open up to. I want to be a friend that you can depend on to be there for you at your worst moments. I want to be the friend you call when your day sucked. I want to be the friend that’s always been there for you in years to come. I want all those things.
But I don’t know if that’s the direction we’re headed. I am hopeful. I am eager. I am waiting. But at the current point in time, I feel like only one of two things can happen: We both desire and want to be friends that show effort, respect, appreciation, and love. Or … we move on permanently. Because what is the point of friends who aren’t really there for each other. Who don’t really care? Who don’t want you around, who can’t be a support and facilitate happiness? Who you can’t open up with? Who you can’t be honest with? I don’t like the idea of moving on, but I cannot see a future in the current “friendship” without change.
Maybe I am too much work. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am emotional. Maybe. But when you really want something you fight for it, you give it your all, you’d do anything to hold on to it. If it’s not realistic though – if I am not something you really want, then it’s time for you and me to move on. (I take no offense because I don’t want to waste anyone’s time). I would hate to be any more of a burden than I already sometimes feel. If my ideas here seem unreasonable or silly, then I apologize sincerely. I would love to hear your take on this. By the way, I must tell you that I am truly sorry I ever got you into the mess of emotions that I likely did. I feel like I have really been annoying, what with all my emotions and difficulty throughout. I can completely understand being over me by now…
I want you to know that I am not that different from you. I can be very monogamous. In fact I think I mostly prefer monogamy. I have no desire for anything or anyone else besides my-husband – that is until I circumstantially* met you and started to feel a deep understanding of you as a person, and I started to care for you unconditionally. I want to shower you with as much love as I can muster. I find you special. You are likely to be the last person I felt all the newness and sweetness of a new connection with. I will remember you and the way I felt around you for many years in my life if not all of them. I know and trust you will go on to have connections with other women until one day you meet your special someone and marry her. It will be incredible. You’ll have everything you want at that point, and I will just be one of the many rungs of the ladder that helped you get to her. I just hope that when you meet this person you are willing to walk through fire for her. I hope that you are willing to give her your world. Because love deserves effort. True honest love deserves that.
*I bolded this for emphasis that I did not seek love nor felt I needed nor wanted it nor craved it but that my meeting you combined with the possibilities/opportunities that were a result of my-husband’s permission and your acceptance turned into something more than I could have asked for.. I am not the type of person to deny my feelings when it does not bring harm to others.
I don’t think I can ever relay how much of a crush I had on you, nor for how long, nor how exhilarating it was finding out that you were exactly the kind of person I could(/would) fall for..sweet kind sensitive caring emotional loving tender captivating enticing passionate understanding & more!)
Your loving friend,
my-name-here
Ps. The same part of me that could not hold back my feelings, could not stop myself from revealing them… is the same part of me that could not help but write this letter in order that we may in a healthy way continue in each other’s lives, which is also the same driving force that continues to compel me in every way possible to not let you go (unless its what is best) – love. Oh love - such a crazy feeling of compelling desire to think of you and your needs before all of mine at every moment of the day. I love you his-full-name-here . So much, I wish you so much happiness in your life.