opalescent
Active member
So a play partner and I have been chatting about getting together for sex and rope bondage. I've know him and his wife for several years now and they are dear friends. We've had sex once and played non-sexually a few times. I don't play with him much at all because of scheduling. So we're considering days when he comes up with the statement that sex is off the table because he and his wife haven't had sex lately. So just bondage. And then next time, maybe sex.
ARGH!!!
That just put the brakes on any enthusiasm I had for the idea of getting together. Look, I am happy to do kink without sex. In fact, kink without sex has been more common an experience for me lately. I like getting tied up and enjoy it on its own. But I *really* like combining sex and bondage and I've been missing it.
This isn't someone I want as a primary partner. He's not available and we don't click that way. A friend with benefits/play partner arrangement is what I want, what I have always wanted with him. I don't expect to be a priority for him or come before his wife or anything like that. I am so not a threat to his marriage. But this whole tallying up of who has had sex with whom and how many times - like is there some magic ratio of sex with wife and sex with me that is the goal here? This whole thing just puts me into some weird competition with his wife for who gets dick and when and how many times. I'm inclined to say no to any sex or play at this point. It's fine if he wants to prioritize her needs - I don't mind that at all. We're not talking about getting together often. Maybe a few times a year. But I'm not agreeing to this stupid rule. I'm not limiting myself because her needs aren't being met by him and I'm somehow getting dick that should be hers or some such bullshit. And if that means we never have sex or play again, I'm ok with that.
I don't know who came up with this rule, if they both did, or if he did in response to how she acted or if she asked for something like this. It doesn't really matter who came up with it if he is unwilling to negotiate it.
I just feel both forced into some weird competition with his wife, which I'm not and don't want to be, and utterly devalued, since my wants are not important if she and he aren't fucking right much right now. I've been really clear that I want sex and that while I enjoy kinky play of various types a lot, sex is important to me in this context. Now he isn't obligated to have sex with me, obviously, but I am not obligated to fuck him or play with him either.
I am so angry about this bullshit. So I'm turning this down unless this rule goes away.
How do I educate them on couple privilege? How do I frame my unhappiness about this so they get its not about them but how their actions make me feel unwanted and disposable?
ARGH!!!
That just put the brakes on any enthusiasm I had for the idea of getting together. Look, I am happy to do kink without sex. In fact, kink without sex has been more common an experience for me lately. I like getting tied up and enjoy it on its own. But I *really* like combining sex and bondage and I've been missing it.
This isn't someone I want as a primary partner. He's not available and we don't click that way. A friend with benefits/play partner arrangement is what I want, what I have always wanted with him. I don't expect to be a priority for him or come before his wife or anything like that. I am so not a threat to his marriage. But this whole tallying up of who has had sex with whom and how many times - like is there some magic ratio of sex with wife and sex with me that is the goal here? This whole thing just puts me into some weird competition with his wife for who gets dick and when and how many times. I'm inclined to say no to any sex or play at this point. It's fine if he wants to prioritize her needs - I don't mind that at all. We're not talking about getting together often. Maybe a few times a year. But I'm not agreeing to this stupid rule. I'm not limiting myself because her needs aren't being met by him and I'm somehow getting dick that should be hers or some such bullshit. And if that means we never have sex or play again, I'm ok with that.
I don't know who came up with this rule, if they both did, or if he did in response to how she acted or if she asked for something like this. It doesn't really matter who came up with it if he is unwilling to negotiate it.
I just feel both forced into some weird competition with his wife, which I'm not and don't want to be, and utterly devalued, since my wants are not important if she and he aren't fucking right much right now. I've been really clear that I want sex and that while I enjoy kinky play of various types a lot, sex is important to me in this context. Now he isn't obligated to have sex with me, obviously, but I am not obligated to fuck him or play with him either.
I am so angry about this bullshit. So I'm turning this down unless this rule goes away.
How do I educate them on couple privilege? How do I frame my unhappiness about this so they get its not about them but how their actions make me feel unwanted and disposable?