Couple Privilege is biting me in the ass and not in a fun way

opalescent

Active member
So a play partner and I have been chatting about getting together for sex and rope bondage. I've know him and his wife for several years now and they are dear friends. We've had sex once and played non-sexually a few times. I don't play with him much at all because of scheduling. So we're considering days when he comes up with the statement that sex is off the table because he and his wife haven't had sex lately. So just bondage. And then next time, maybe sex.

ARGH!!!

That just put the brakes on any enthusiasm I had for the idea of getting together. Look, I am happy to do kink without sex. In fact, kink without sex has been more common an experience for me lately. I like getting tied up and enjoy it on its own. But I *really* like combining sex and bondage and I've been missing it.

This isn't someone I want as a primary partner. He's not available and we don't click that way. A friend with benefits/play partner arrangement is what I want, what I have always wanted with him. I don't expect to be a priority for him or come before his wife or anything like that. I am so not a threat to his marriage. But this whole tallying up of who has had sex with whom and how many times - like is there some magic ratio of sex with wife and sex with me that is the goal here? This whole thing just puts me into some weird competition with his wife for who gets dick and when and how many times. I'm inclined to say no to any sex or play at this point. It's fine if he wants to prioritize her needs - I don't mind that at all. We're not talking about getting together often. Maybe a few times a year. But I'm not agreeing to this stupid rule. I'm not limiting myself because her needs aren't being met by him and I'm somehow getting dick that should be hers or some such bullshit. And if that means we never have sex or play again, I'm ok with that.

I don't know who came up with this rule, if they both did, or if he did in response to how she acted or if she asked for something like this. It doesn't really matter who came up with it if he is unwilling to negotiate it.

I just feel both forced into some weird competition with his wife, which I'm not and don't want to be, and utterly devalued, since my wants are not important if she and he aren't fucking right much right now. I've been really clear that I want sex and that while I enjoy kinky play of various types a lot, sex is important to me in this context. Now he isn't obligated to have sex with me, obviously, but I am not obligated to fuck him or play with him either.

I am so angry about this bullshit. So I'm turning this down unless this rule goes away.

How do I educate them on couple privilege? How do I frame my unhappiness about this so they get its not about them but how their actions make me feel unwanted and disposable?
 
Could it be that maybe he doesn't feel right about sex with others while their sex life is suffering and therefore chooses to abstain? It may not even be a rule.

On the other side of things it really pissed me off when nate was withholding sex from me then he went out and had sex with someone else when i had been begging for it.
 
The flip side: he said he didn't want to have sex with you this time. You're upset.

Did he ask you to limit yourself in any other way or situation, or did he simply say no sex this time?
 
I'm sorry you are upset.

Let me repeat back what I understand... correct me if I am wrong, ok? It sounds to me like there are 2 parts.

Problem 1: when to schedule playdate?

  • You and him were planning when on the calendar to schedule a play date.
  • In the sorting, he said he is not up for sex on this playdate. Only kink. (Sex + kink) maybe next play date.
  • You are disappointed with his offer. (Sex + kink) is the type of playdate you were looking for this time and wanted to schedule. You have been clear that you want sex and sex is important to you in this context.
  • So you plan to decline his offer of (kink) because you want (sex + kink) at this time.

Fair enough. Things do not line up. It is ok for you to decline a (kink) playdate if you are after a (sex+kink) playdate. So that part of it is solved, I think. No need to schedule, because it does not line up.

Why all the rest of the upset? :confused: It sounds bigger "volume" that the calendar situation merits.

Problem 2: Where is that "high volume" response coming from?

You say you feel devalued. Is he doing something to you? You think he is doing something to you? Are you doing it to you?

I'm not limiting myself because her needs aren't being met by him

How is he limiting you? To me it sounds like he is limiting himself and being up front with you about it. He cannot give you a (sex + kink) playdate right now.

Are you not able to seek it with another play partner?

How are you limiting you?

How do I educate them on couple privilege?

Not your job to educate them. It is their job to educate themselves or ask for help. I don't see where he is asking.

How do I frame my unhappiness about this so they get its not about them but how their actions make me feel unwanted and disposable?

I am confused. This sentence followed a "long vent" sounding paragraph that touched back and forth on a lot of things all jumbled together. In the end... What is "this?" What are their "actions?" I got lost there.

Could you be willing to clarify what you meant? :confused:

I will guess. I could guess wrong.

Did you mean...

"How do I tell him I am unhappy because his action of (telling me sex is off the table on this playdate ) makes me feel unwanted and disposable?"​

If so, could you be taking things personally? Like his want for no sex on this play date is (a personal rejection of you or a measure of your desirability) and not about (his preference for this playdate)? :confused:

Did you mean...

"How do I tell him I am unhappy because his action of (telling me sex is off the table on this playdate BECAUSE he has agreements with his wife to keep first ) makes me feel unwanted and disposable?"​

Here you said you were ok with it:

I don't expect to be a priority for him or come before his wife or anything like that.

It's fine if he wants to prioritize her needs - I don't mind that at all.

Are you really NOT ok with it? If so, why say you are? Why choose to participate in FWB with this guy then?

Did you mean...

"How do I tell him I am unhappy because his action of (telling me sex is off the table on this playdate, MAYBE next time) makes me feel unwanted and disposable?​

If you want (sex + kink) each time, why pick him for FWB? He is not up for (sex + kink) each time. Is that the personal limitation you are bumping up against that is frustrating you? Or does he often do that maybe thing and it is that you think he's using sex to string you along?

Is it something else you are trying to express and I'm totally off base in my guesses? :confused:

At any rate, I hope you feel a bit better airing some of that out. You sound like you are going to pass on the playdate and maybe just let the whole FWB thing with him go. Perhaps doing that will bring you more peace?

Galagirl
 
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Hi opal,

Re (from OP):
"How do I educate them on couple privilege?"

I don't think you should educate them; it's not your job. If the guy asks you why you're turning him down, then you can say, "Couple privilege." And if he asks, "What's that?" then you can tell him what couple privilege is (and how it relates to this situation). But I wouldn't volunteer the information unless he asks.

Re:
"How do I frame my unhappiness about this so they get it's not about them but how their actions make me feel unwanted and disposable?"

They don't need to know what's going on in your heart and mind if they don't ask. If they do ask, then you can say, "Couple privilege." And if they ask, "What's that?" then you can tell them what couple privilege is, and add, "For example, I have to be affected by the state of you guys's sex life, which is something that shouldn't affect me." I can't think of any better way to explain to them that their actions have hurt you without villainizing them as people.
 
After being stomping mad about this situation, I realized that my anger was outsize to what had happened. I was triggered by what he said and how it was said. I have a fear that I will never find another primary-type partner again. I also fear that this secondary type stuff is all that is left to me. I know this is not completely rational and likely simply untrue. But it is a fear that I have. I didn't quite fully realize I was feeling this fear until I started to figure out why I was so angry over this. I'm glad it's out in the 'open' more now, even as I am not enjoying experiencing it. Before, I couldn't 'see' it and didn't realize I was feeling fear. Now I can start to deal with it now.

Also I simply do not react well to anyone telling me 'This is how it is and that's the way it will be' in any context. I really dislike being told what to do. I do not react well to having no choice (or the only choice to take it or leave it). It pisses me off. I am fortunate to live a life where this rarely happens to me. Most of the time, I have some input, some areas in which to negotiate.

He's clearly not responsible for either my fears or my intense dislike of being told what to do. He's not responsible for my triggers. I will handle those things on my own.

That said, I am still (much less) angry over being told no sex this time. I got to figure out some important boundaries of mine. He has every right not to have sex with me, not to play with me for any reason, even if I think the reason is stupid. I realized that even in an FWB, play partner relationship, I need to feel that my wants and needs are taken into account, that they matter to the other person. I need to have a voice in that relationship (and I consider FWBs and play partners to be relationships). I don't need to get my way all the time but I absolutely need to feel heard. If I feel heard and respected, even if what I want doesn't happen, I don't get angry. Disappointed, sure but not pissed off.

If it had been framed as 'my wife and I are not having sex currently and I would like to wait on sex between us for a while' I would have been disappointed and unhappy but I would have not reacted with anger. That statement leaves room for me to have a voice, an opinion about what happens with my own body. Instead what I got was 'no intercourse, wife and I haven't gotten to in awhile and obviously primary sex first'. What that tells me is I have no input, no control, no voice in when we have sex. I get to have sex with him when she has sex with him. That is not acceptable to me. As I have been friends with him several years now, I know they have frequent periods of not having sex for all the usual reasons (long commutes, being ill, busy, tired, stressed). I could just see this playing out over time as I am doled out sex on the few times I see him when they are feeling randy and shut out when they are not.

When their agreements affect me, I need to have a voice. I cannot be in any relationship where I do not have a voice. I need to be with people who understand that they need to make room for everyone to be heard and for negotiations where that's appropriate. Do they have the right to set this limit? Yes, they do. However, this couple first at all times approach is incompatible with what I need. So I will not pursuing a FWB/play partners relationship with this man. I knew they were very couple-centric but I thought the fact that I am not a threat to their marriage, that I didn't expect to see him much, and that I didn't expect to be a high priority would make it workable. That was clearly delusional thinking on my part.

As painful as this is, it's been useful for me to clearly define what I need from a partner. I realized that having a voice, a say, in the relationship matters immensely to me and that I cannot do without it, even in a 'lesser' relationship.

I'm talking things over with him tonight. I will tell him how hurt and angry I was by his statement, that I cannot accept having no voice in things that affect me and that we will not be having a FBW/play partner relationship but that I will continue being his friend in general.
 
Opalescent, your last post seems completely reasonable. Having time to "think out loud" sometimes helps me, too! And, though it was painful, possibly a good thing in the long run. You were able to discover your fears and needs in a more casual relationship, and, while painful, it helped you figure them out outside of a deeper relationship, which may have been more painful.

I hope the conversation goes well!
 
Sounds like you were able to cool off, step back, think more, worked out some stuff, and learned some things about yourself/your preferences in the process of it all.

And you have a plan for how to move it forward.

Awesome! :)

Galagirl
 
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Yeah yeah, good good, mature reflection, fears, yada yada.

I just want to sympathize with you over feeling put in a "lesser than" box, and feeling rejected, when you are horny and want a good roll in the hay, and were led to believe this was imminent! Shit. That sucks.
 
Yeah yeah, good good, mature reflection, fears, yada yada.

I just want to sympathize with you over feeling put in a "lesser than" box, and feeling rejected, when you are horny and want a good roll in the hay, and were led to believe this was imminent! Shit. That sucks.

This made me lol, Mags, thanks! I'm glad someone understood my sexual frustration! It did suck.

So I told him today. I don't think I did a great job explaining and I am not sure he really understood. But I said what I felt and what I could do, or not do as the case may be. I hope he asks me questions and we have further discussion but that is up to him.
 
Sounds like you handled it right.
 
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