Poly-Dating: How to meet like-minded people

That was one of the challenges for us living in Upstate New York - it's very rural and spread-out and there really aren't enough in one place to build any large enough group - we built a forum that was for the more widespread folks and have been very surprised how many have come out of the woodwork. once they found that they seemed more than willing to travel to get-togethers. I think that local stuff has to adjust to that.
 
I wouldn't say "irrevocably" but personally, I do believe it's inherent, as in a quality of the person, their capacity to love more than one person. Some people just can't love more than one person, some people just can't be happy being restricted to loving only one person, and some people can be happy either way.

Why would this not separate them into two groups, with a grey area (analogous to bisexual) in the middle?
I just don't believe that. I think everyone has the capacities to love more than one, maybe not having romantic relationship with more than one, but having great affections for more than one person in different ways (just like there are different "kinds" of love you feel for your parents, your friends, your lovers, your children etcetera). Some may deal better with it than others (e.g. there are people who may favour one of their children and so on) and some may have never considered a lifestyle which is different from the one they were brought up in. There may be other reasons as well. It's also totally fine with me if people knowingly decide to have just one romantic relationship - it's all about being true to yourself.

Could you talk about how your experiences contradict this view? By your description, some of the people you love are mono and therefore are unable to return your love romantically, though they may love you as a friend.
Principally it's what I've already written above: Many never considered a lifestyle like this and even though some have their doubts if it could work for them they like the idea and it seems to make many of them feeling comfortable with me rather than uneasy and many consider it just as wonderful. It probably would be different with something like homosexuality. If I told my friends I was homo they probably wouldn't have the slightest problem with it, but if you just don't like the idea of having sexual intercourse with the same sex you wouldn't consider it as a lifestyle for you. As for some of my friends who "prefer to stay homo", as I put it, there're different reasons for that: fortunately there'd never been one of them I was so totally in love with that it hurt me when they couldn't return it. In fact it doesn't have anything to do with polyamory, because I never tried to convince anyone to "become" poly for me or the like. It's rather that I have friends who may or may not be in a romantic relationship and depending on how close they are to me and what they mean to me I tell them if I love them. Some of them don't have any interest in a romantic relationship with me and just like me as a friend, and so I accept if they don't say something like "I love you" in return. But the fact that they know about my lifestyle makes them comfortable with me telling them about my love. They know I don't expect them to say or do anything. I just love them for what they are.

I am sorry to hear that many of you seem to have had really painful experiences. But among other reasons as I said before that may also have something to do with where you live (country, region, large city or smaller community etcetera). Yes, I think I can count myself lucky that I have only good experiences so far.

(Um, I hope all this makes at least a bit sense. I am a bit in a hurry and might not be able to look into the forums for some time, so I just wrote what came to my mind first...)
 
My experiences of finding poly love in the wide world have been hard and painful. Educating people into the fact that poly exists, is a viable relationship form and yes, my partner is fine with it have usually either ended in the person running a mile, or worse, we fall in love, only for them to decide after a short while that "poly isn't for them", leaving me feeling very hurt and grieving another lost love.

Many people that I have spoken to have had similar experiences, and bemoan the fact that they can never find anyone that is open to it. My advice is to find a local group, where everyone is open to it, and the questions come down to chemistry and compatibility. It's no guarantee, but it drastically increases your odds.

This is pretty much exactly how I feel, too. On one hand, I do think that people can have their minds opened to the possibility of being poly, especially because we have such a monogamy-oriented culture, many people have simply never considered it. But on the other hand, I think a large part of why my relationship with my boyfriend has gone so smoothly is the fact that he was already at a point where he knew he had no desire to commit to monogamy before we even met, even though he wasn't "practicing" poly. I've never had to fear that it was something he would change his mind about, or something he was only tolerating because he fell for me, etc. Conversely, I've seen my boyfriend date other people who were previously unaware of poly, who are in theory accepting of our situation, but who turn out to not be able to deal with it in a functional way. And I've had my own experiences as a married woman with non-poly men who see me as available for sex, but not for a relationship--for that, they're waiting for someone who's actually "available." I do absolutely believe that people can fall in love under a variety of circumstances, you can't always plan for relationships, and people can become interested in poly--and quite happy with it--because of someone they fall in love with. But if I were to actively seek out a relationship, I would look first to find people who were already on board with poly, because I think the odds are a lot better of things working out.
 
I just don't believe that. I think everyone has the capacities to love more than one, maybe not having romantic relationship with more than one, but having great affections for more than one person in different ways (just like there are different "kinds" of love you feel for your parents, your friends, your lovers, your children etcetera).

Yuck. That's as bad as "everyone is bisexual, they just haven't found the right man/woman to express it with."

"Polyamory" doesn't refer to the ability to love multiple people in a non-romantic way. Even the most die-hard monogamist would still say they can love all of their children, not just one. Polyamory specifically refers to the ability to romantically love more than one person. I'm typically completely against "polyamory is this and polyamory is not that" but I think it's foundational that the "amor" in "polyamory" refers to romantic love and not platonic or maternal or brotherly love.

Unarguably, every person in the world who has the capacity to love at all has the capacity to "love, in one form or another, more than one person" or else we would all have only one friend, no partners, and no kids.
 
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Yuck. That's as bad as "everyone is bisexual, they just haven't found the right man/woman to express it with."

"Polyamory" doesn't refer to the ability to love multiple people in a non-romantic way. Even the most die-hard monogamist would still say they can love all of their children, not just one. Polyamory specifically refers to the ability to romantically love more than one person. I'm typically completely against "polyamory is this and polyamory is not that" but I think it's foundational that the "amor" in "polyamory" refers to romantic love and not platonic or maternal or brotherly love.

Unarguably, every person in the world who has the capacity to love at all has the capacity to "love, in one form or another, more than one person" or else we would all have only one friend, no partners, and no kids.

Well put...!!! :)
 
how to find 3rd partner?

My husband and I have been married for 6 years we have 4 children. We want to add to our family by adding a partner. Where and how to do we even begin to find someone? We are new to this but we do know what we want and are looking for.

thank you
 
The best way to find people is to stop looking.

Sounds ass-backwards, I know. But the best love sneaks up on you when you're totally looking in another direction.

Focus on yourselves and your marriage, your kids and your family, make yourselves the best you can be. Put the thought out there in the universe that you'd like to find love to add to your family, then get on with your regular business and just keep a positive attitude.

Especially for a couple looking to add a third, there's a risk when you're looking that people will pick up on the fact that you're looking for something, and they can fake being that something in order to take advantage of you.
 
..........Polyamory specifically refers to the ability to romantically love more than one person. I'm typically completely against "polyamory is this and polyamory is not that" but I think it's foundational that the "amor" in "polyamory" refers to romantic love and not platonic or maternal or brotherly love.

Hi SC,

Glad this came up.............
And if this is a hijack and needs a new thread - someone feel free !

But we see this term "romantic love" tossed around all the time.

And am I maybe the only one who doesn't have a real good grasp on what that means ?

How would you - or anyone define that in a way it could be identified - especially in contrast to..... say...platonic love ?

Curious........

GS
 
Yuck. That's as bad as "everyone is bisexual, they just haven't found the right man/woman to express it with."

"Polyamory" doesn't refer to the ability to love multiple people in a non-romantic way. Even the most die-hard monogamist would still say they can love all of their children, not just one. Polyamory specifically refers to the ability to romantically love more than one person. I'm typically completely against "polyamory is this and polyamory is not that" but I think it's foundational that the "amor" in "polyamory" refers to romantic love and not platonic or maternal or brotherly love.

Unarguably, every person in the world who has the capacity to love at all has the capacity to "love, in one form or another, more than one person" or else we would all have only one friend, no partners, and no kids.

Great post!

Hi SC,

Glad this came up.............
And if this is a hijack and needs a new thread - someone feel free !

But we see this term "romantic love" tossed around all the time.

And am I maybe the only one who doesn't have a real good grasp on what that means ?

How would you - or anyone define that in a way it could be identified - especially in contrast to..... say...platonic love ?

Curious........

GS

Platonic love= a general humanistic affection for someone in a strictly non-sexual way based on shared interests or similar values and experiences; a friendly bond of mutual respect and enjoyment of company, no desire or sexual intimacy exists
NO SEX
Romatic love= is sexual in nature initially and develops into a deeper affection or affinity based on intimacy and similar character and passion; though it is based on immediate lust it eventually becomes more about a commitment to mating and family bonding. SEX DRIVEN
Make sense? Agree? Disagree?

You probably are.

I hope this was meant to be humorous because I just LMAO!
 
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But we see this term "romantic love" tossed around all the time.

And am I maybe the only one who doesn't have a real good grasp on what that means ?

How would you - or anyone define that in a way it could be identified - especially in contrast to..... say...platonic love ?

Romantic love = boyfriend/girlfriend

Platonic love = friends/parents/siblings

The "Triangular Theory of Love" explains the various forms of love very well (I just copied the relevant bits, see the article for all 7 forms of love):

Wikipedia said:
The triangular theory of love is a theory of love developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg. The theory characterizes love within the context of interpersonal relationships by three different components:

  • Intimacy – Which encompasses feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
  • Passion – Which encompasses drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation.
  • Commitment – Which encompasses, in the short term, the decision to remain with another, and in the long term, the shared achievements and plans made with that other.

Romantic love bonds individuals emotionally through intimacy and physically through passionate arousal.

Companionate love is an intimate, non-passionate type of love that is stronger than friendship because of the element of long-term commitment. Sexual desire is not an element of companionate love. This type of love is often found in marriages in which the passion has gone out of the relationship but a deep affection and commitment remain. The love ideally shared between family members is a form of companionate love, as is the love between close friends who have a platonic but strong friendship.

Consummate love is the complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship toward which people strive. Of the seven varieties of love, consummate love is theorized to be that love associated with the “perfect couple”. According to Sternberg, such couples will continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they can not imagine themselves happy over the long-term with anyone else, they overcome their few difficulties gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with one other.[1] However, Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating the components of love into action. "Without expression," he warns, "even the greatest of loves can die" (1987, p. 341). Thus, consummate love may not be permanent. If passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love.

Note, clearly this was written from a monogamous perspective, as polyamorists reject the idea that "they can not imagine themselves happy over the long-term with anyone else"... but the rest of it makes perfect sense to me, capturing the elements that are present in various kinds of love, and what makes different kinds of love..well, different.

Triangular_Theory_of_Love.gif
 
Romatic love= is sexual in nature initially and develops into a deeper affection or affinity based on intimacy and similar character and passion; though it is based on immediate lust it eventually becomes more about a commitment to mating and family bonding. SEX DRIVEN
Make sense? Agree? Disagree?

Actually, totally disagree... I do agree with the idea that romantic love necessarily INCLUDES sexual attraction...

But many friendships have evolved into romances, with the sexual attraction coming late in the game.

For me, sexual attraction only develops as I get to know a person better. I like eye candy as much as the next girl, but it never makes me wet in my pants the way intellectual things do, and you can only learn intellectual things about someone after going through some of the friendship stages.

Hell, when I met the love of my life, I barely gave him the time of day. I thought he was rather funny looking and didn't do it for me at all, until we spent some time together and he did this amazing energy thing which made me go "r-r-r-r-r-r-r". The foundation between my husband and I has always been energy-based, not sex-based.

We dated for a month, doing tantra and talking and cuddling, before we got sexual. At the time, I was in a "very lusty" relationship with someone else, and when my special man came along, my other romances paled by comparison and fell by the wayside. It turned out, sex-based relationships have nothing on relationships with deeper foundations.
 
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Romantic love = boyfriend/girlfriend

Platonic love = friends/parents/siblings

This is interesting to me, because personally I'm capable of having sexual desire for friends while still loving them in a way that's somehow different from the way I love a significant other. I can easily conceptualize the vastly different kinds of love for boyfriends/girlfriends vs. parents/children, but friends are more of a gray area for me, in that I can feel emotionally platonic but physically romantic, if that makes any sense at all.
 
I hope this was meant to be humorous because I just LMAO!

It was actually serious because I happen to know that GS has been around here long enough and participated in discussions about this before, and if he doesn't know the difference by now, then he might as well give up trying.

However, the part about him being the ONLY one who doesn't know the difference is, perhaps, debatable.
 
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It was actually serious because I happen to know that GS has been around here long enough and participated in discussions about this before, and if he doesn't know the difference by now, then he might as well give up trying.

However, the part about him being the ONLY one who doesn't know the difference is, perhaps, debatable.

LOL

Trying to "know"......interesting concept.

In this context, any "knowing" refers to knowing others definition. Nothing to do with my own. I might "know" your definition and corresponding attitude. But I may not "know" the same of everyone - or even a large percentage. Because as the following posts illustrate, the term is one of those semantic traps we often fall into that leads us to have long discussions only to discover a bunch of people are in fact not even talking about the same thing !

So for conversation purposes it seems to boil down to
"romantic love" = love+sexual intensity
......for most people. But for some other percentage of people (me included) that definition comes up short.

And I guess as long as everyone can filter through the various definitions in individual posts based on overall perceptions of any given poster, it can serve a purpose.

GS
 
I'm definitely of the opinion that some people have the capacity to romantically love more than one person, and that others don't. I'm also of the opinion, based on my experiences, that there are actually quite a few people out there that believe they are mono until they run up against something different and CAN in fact open themselves up to a poly lifestyle. My SO came out as poly two years ago and I didn't like the idea at first (I didn't have the benefit of knowing what poly meant or have any kind of forum like this to turn to and boy do I ever wish I had!) and I was pretty upset that my SO could love someone else. Luckily we had a healthy relationship before that and we were able to communicate with each other about my jealousy, her feelings for M (her boyfriend), and all the other complicated issues that came up. We had to learn the hard way, through trial and error, but now at the other end of things I wouldn't go back to being mono if I could. I'm happy in my relationship with K (my SO) and happy with her relationship with M. I've met M, and have tried to be friends with him, but he's pretty uncomfortable with that idea, so unfortunately we don't have the ideal poly relationship, but we've worked out the kinks nonetheless.

My Friend J was in a relationship with a man she was really attracted to for a long time while keeping it very casual/non-committed because she is poly too and was afraid G (her love interest) couldn't accept it. When they finally did have a talk about a more serious relationship, J laid it all out on the table and G reacted how she thought he would, but saying he couldn't deal with it and basically giving up on the relationship. About two weeks after that happened G called up J and asked her if they could talk. Lo and behold, he had thought about it a lot (and missed J terribly) and decided/realized that he could compromise, that while he wanted monogamy he could let J be poly and that they could work it out. G realizes it will be difficult to navigate this kind of relationship, but he loves J and wants to be with her, so he's willing to give it a try (Yay!).

I recently met a woman on a business trip/conference type thing, and while I did not tell her I was in a relationship at first, I don't think I did anything ethically wrong. She let her interest be known (namely by hanging out with me at every spare moment and being very friendly) and I tried to be friendly and polite without giving any signs that I was romantically interested (which I'm guessing I probably failed at, I'm a bit of an open book). So after about a week of this (which boosted my ego rather out of proportion) I came right out and told her that I really liked her, and I told her about everything else, my relationship with K and her relationship with M and that I wasn't going to leave K under any circumstances but I still wanted to see her. I expected that would be the end of it right there, but luckily (I guess, I can't make myself feel too pleased with how things are turning out) we had a very long conversation, her being very much in tune with the mono philosophy, me being aligned with a poly philosophy. I'm still not sure I convinced her that I don't want to leave K, I don't think I really convinced her that a person can love more than one person at the same time, but when we both had to go back to our respective home cities (luckily enough she lives within a couple hours' drive) she told me that we'll play things by ear and that she's not going to write me off but she needs time to sort this out.

So long story short (as if that's ever going to happen with me...), if you're a poly person looking to add a third/fourth, secondary/primary etc. what ever you want to call it, don't expect that because someone identifies as mono that they are not open to the possibility of something else. I experienced that paradigm shift personally, and am very happy for it. I have seen other people re-evaluate their ideas of what a relationship can be and change their minds about being mono. I'm not saying it always works out well (only time will tell with J and G, only time will tell with me and my new interest, let's call her H) in fact it often doesn't (as with some previous dating experiences that I've had before meeting H) but the point is it's worth a try!

So far as broaching the subject with a possible love interest, it's true that laying it all out from the very beginning will scare some people off. While some people might find this the wrong way to go about things, (and I'm not going to try to say this IS the right way to go about it because I'm not sure myself) I try to give a person a little bit of time to get to know me first; if you think someone is interested in you, or you know they are, let them get to know what kind of person you are at least a little bit before you have 'the talk'. Don't let things get physical and don't let this person get too emotionally invested in you, or you them. I'd say give it a couple of dates/outings, there's no right or wrong number, but don't drag your feet about it under any circumstances. Don't lie; if this someone asks you if you are involved, then it's time to have 'the talk'. If this someone comes right out and tells you how much they like you, that's an appropriate time as well. If you feel like you really like this person and you could see them potentially being part of your life, it's definitely time to tell them. In this situation it is always best to bring it up too early rather than too late because if it's too early the worst that could happen is your potential love interest will simply walk away, if you leave it too late then you're acting unethically and you're going to hurt someone and quite possibly yourself too. It's a fine line to walk because if you bring it up on the first date, the person may like you but they may want to cut and run rather than have to deal with uncomfortable emotions and the intricacies involved in a poly relationship; people stick to what they know and are already comfortable with. If you bring it up too late, the person will feel like you've deceived them (and if the dating/hanging out has turned into a relationship and you still haven't told them, then you ARE deceiving them and it IS too late). Like I said, I'm not sure if this is the right, ethical thing to do, but since much of the normative North American culture is based on a mono philosophy and many, many people have misconceptions as to what it means to be poly, I feel like it's the best workable, ethical, and moral solution. The ideal way to do it would be to meet the person, talk to them for an hour or so to see if you even like them, and then lay it out point blank and let them take the ball from there, but in my experience that simply does not work out. I have gone on dates and laid it out point blank before the evening was over, and that I can say does not work. I have tried the online dating scene and have explicitly wrote in my profile that I am a polyamorist; three guesses how many replies I got on that site. ;)

On the other side of the coin, it wastes a lot less time and emotional butterflies if you are up front about being poly, and any people who are still interested after you tell them are much more likely to be ok with a poly relationship. Again, I have to stress that I am of two minds about the approach that I've laid out; on one hand I stand a higher chance of getting what I want, on the other hand I might piss somebody off or hurt them emotionally. So far I haven't hurt anyone or pissed them off with this approach, mostly just delayed the inevitable, "I don't think I can do that." response and been disappointed, so in that aspect it has been successful for me. On the other hand, I feel like if I had told H at the outset that I was in a relationship at the first sign she might be interested in me, I highly doubt she would be giving us as much thought as she now is and I know she doesn't feel deceived or hurt because I asked her about it.

In any event, my two cents...

R
 
Poly Dating sites

What are some good polyamory dating sites? My husband has a profile on OKCupid and we've found a couple prospects but we want to be sure that we find someone who is open to poly. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Jamie
 
Polyamoury dating sites

Jamie,

I have been stuck in the quagmire of the swinger scene for the last year with my girlfriend who is an ex-swinger. The relationships that have I formed within the scene have helped me better understand myself and realize that I have no business there. I have been trying to tune into the polyamoury scene as that is my true orientation but have found there are very few resources on the interenet for dating and organizations. I personally think that AFF, Ashleigh Madison, sexsearch.com, are a waste of time as the ratio of men to women is obscene.

I am sorry that I cannot offer any suggestions as to polyam dating sites, If you find anthing good that is regional, please let me know.

Regards,

Philip
 
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