Completely New

dante5892

New member
I am very curious as to how people feel about this sort of thing. Before I met my girlfriend, she told me that she was polyamorous. At the time, she had another boyfriend in a different state and they had never had any physical contact. They broke up, and she hasn't pursued it again due to some of my own insecurities. Now, I love my girlfriend and I want her to be happy. She hasn't told me that she wants to pursue it right now or not. But I am trying to be okay with it. The only issue that I know I will never be able to get over is her being physical with another man. We are in a Dom/sub relationship as well, but that doesn't mean I get to control her entirely. Sorry, that's a different forum. But, I do want to be able to be okay with her having another relationship without the physical aspect. Is there any advice that someone could give me that might make this easier for me? We have spoken about the possibility of a FMF relationship. But, I feel like she also might want a whole other relationship on her own at some point and I want to be supportive of her and be there for her if it happens. Thank you for your guys' time.
 
Hi Dante,

It's a complex question you ask. Feeling secure in a poly relationship depends on how well your partner can juggle multiple partners or continue to show you love whilst she's off pursuing others. Feeling secure in a poly relationship also depends on your own personality factors.

What do you identify as being the blocks towards transitioning to polyamory? Vince asked more about the act of sex with others. I'm asking more about personalities, childhood or past experiences, personal philosophies and the like.
 
So you would be okay with her being intimate with a woman, but not another man?
 
Hi dante5892,

It's very possible you are fighting against your past programming/conditioning/brainwashing. We live in a very mononormative world. We are taught that nonmonogamy is unhealthy. This lesson is reinforced at home, in school, at the movies, everywhere. It's very hard to overcome this conditioning.

Hopefully this forum can help you with that. Continue posting and reading ... see what calls to you and let us know of your thoughts, questions, and concerns. As you've been doing. Hopefully you can overcome the conditioning a little at a time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
She hasn't told me that she wants to pursue it right now or not. But I am trying to be okay with it. The only issue that I know I will never be able to get over is her being physical with another man.

  • Hard limits will NEVER change.
  • Soft limits are "No for now, but might change over time."

Sounds like hard limit for you. If you know you will never be over it? You could respect your hard limit. If you already know you will never get past it? Accept it is a hard limit for you. Make peace with that.

I'm not into swinging. I don't think it is terrible or anything. Just not my thing. Hard limit. It's not going to change over time.

If a partner of mine wanted to go there? And I don't want swinging in my network? I would have to say "Partner, I love you. But not even for you will I go there. I have to bow out of this network." Then I would bow out and they are free TO pursue swinging and I am free FROM it.

That skill has to be something you are able to do in relating. To be able to tell your partner "No. I cannot do that. Not even for you will I do things that go against my own grain, things I do not like, or things that hurt me."

Enjoy what you have with her now. She hasn't asked to Open the relationship.

If/when she does ask? Tell her the truth. You are not ok with her dating other men, never will be ok with it, and you prefer 1:1 relating. All you can do is be honest about yourself and your preferences. Things either line up or not. There is no need to bend yourselves into pretzels over it.

You could also ask to have a talk now and find out if she's up for 1:1 relating and if Open is on the table for her or what. That is part of what dating process is FOR. To get to know each other and figure out which ones are compatible or not.

So have the conversations you need to be having. Don't be shy about it. Lean into it.

But, I feel like she also might want a whole other relationship on her own at some point and I want to be supportive of her and be there for her if it happens.

Being (supportive of her at that time) while (honoring your own preferences) may mean a peaceful break up. That would honor both.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
..she had another boyfriend in a different state and they had never had any physical contact. .....I know I will never be able to get over her being physical with another man.....I do want to be able to be okay with her having another relationship without the physical aspect.

Just clarifying:

Your GF had a BF whom she had never met in person?
You have a hard limit of no sex with others, yes?
You'd be fine if your GF loved another man but did not have sex with him?
 
Is your gf bisexual? You talk of having discussed a MFM V shaped relationship... does she get to have sex with this hypothetical other woman? Or do you just want 2 subs. You get to fuck both of them?

What you are talking about is a OPP, one penis policy. It's a holdover from sexism. There are many threads here about it, and how it is unfair to the woman to be "allowed" to only have relationships with other women.

If it is her choice, that's different.

Usually it is recommended to look closely as your own insecurities as a man, that prevent you from feeling comfortable with the idea of your female partner having another male partner., someone she loves and also has sex with. Usually it is fear about penis dimensions, or other concerns like, the other guy is fitter, wealthier...

A woman can have a relationship with another woman that is just as true and deep as any she can have with a person of the opposite sex. If you fear losing her to another man, but not another woman, look into that fear. You're not ready to be in relationship with a poly woman until you overcome those fears.
 
The only issue that I know I will never be able to get over is her being physical with another man......But, I do want to be able to be okay with her having another relationship without the physical aspect.

Our situations are somewhat different - a few months back, my wife of several years asked me to open our marriage to poly so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college bf, while your gf told you that she was poly upfront (although not physically intimate with her long distance bf). But I do very much relate with your feelings about her being physically intimate with another man. Just a few years ago, I would almost certainly have made a similar statement - as my cultural conditioning in this area was quite strong. And even though I was able to make the transition to poly and eventually become comfortable with the idea of my wife being intimate with another man, for me - this was still the most difficult aspect of transitioning to poly.

I might first suggest that it might not be a completely practical idea to believe that a poly relationship could be maintained indefinitely without sex - not impossible, especially if one partner is asexual, or if there are other unusual circumstances such as health issues, etc. However, most healthy adult poly relationships do seem to eventually include sex. It just seems to be a natural progression in most adult romantic relationships. If this is truly a hard limit for you, and your gf is committed to poly - it is a difficult situation. I do believe that I too often hear splitting up suggested as the only solution on this forum (mono guy, at heart, that I am) - but you really might have to take a hard, honest look at your relationship.

And, I will ask - are you absolutely certain that this is a hard limit for you?This is the question I faced. In my case, I was willing to see that my feelings were a result of my cultural conditioning (deep south, evangelical) - and that if I had been raised in a society where poly was the norm, I would almost certainly feel differently. So, it was a learned - and not inherent - belief/feeling. Given that, I made it a point to familiarize myself with poly - participating in this forum, reading on books on poly, etc. - an intentional "de-conditioning" - just to be fair to all points of view. And, I did a lot of processing - ultimately asking if sex was really that sacred - after all, we had both had numerous other sex partners prior to our marriage. And, she told me from the start that I was also welcome to have another partner as well (easier said than done undoubtedly). At the end of the day, I was able to achieve a paradigm shift that allowed me to be ok with the idea. And, of course, you may not be able to relate to this at all.

For some men, the motivation of having additional sexual relationships might be enough to allow their ladies the same pleasure. But it does not seem fair - unless all agree - that the man should be able to have sex with other ladies, but the women should not be able to do the same with the gentlemen. Or so it seems to me.

Anyway - just a couple of thoughts from another guy that's been there. Al
 
Last edited:
Back
Top