Bruises angering my vanilla husband

detritus

New member
I've read through this thread and looked around the forums a bit and can't seem to find anyone struggling with the issue I'm struggling with right now. My husband and I are still fairly new to poly, but doing much better than we were several months ago when I was posting a bit more. He's quite vanilla and I'm just beginning to discover my kinky side. I've had fantasies about kinky sex for years but had a lot of fear, repression, etc. holding me back from making those fantasies a reality.

Anyway, I've been dating my BF for about three months now and things are going quite well. He and my husband get along and my BF is very experienced in poly and BDSM so we've got the communication down. The problem is I occasionally come home with bruises and my husband finds them upsetting. He has a history of abuse in his family and I think they bring up feelings around that. He's also said it makes it seem like the sex is too "in his face" when there are marks to hint at specific things that happened. I think his feelings around this are completely understandable and valid. To his credit, he owns these feelings as "his issue to get over."

I've agreed to try my hardest not to end up with marks. But it's easier said than done. Unfortunately, I'm pale and my BF says I bruise easier than anyone else he's played with before. And in the moment, I can't feel the difference between pain that will leave a bruise and pain that won't. Appearance-wise, my skin turns red immediately with any impact but the bruises don't develop for about an hour. So even though I'm trying hard to respect my husband's feelings, I'm often coming home with marks and he feels like I don't care about them at all.

Any advice? Ways to help my husband come to terms with the bruises so they are less triggering? Vitamins to take to reduce my tendency to bruise? Forms of play that are less likely to leave marks? I'm new to all of this. I'm finding it very tough to process all the emotions BDSM is raising for me, especially when a date with my BF ends on a sour note after I notice the bruises and then I know that when I get home I'll feel rejected because my husband needs space away from me to process his anger.
 
Hmmmmm, play that doesn't leave bruises. I guess it all depends on what kind of activities you're into. You could do kinky stuff around humiliation, service, mind-games, etc. that could be hella kinky but not bruise-forming. But if you want to receive pain and/or he wants to give it, let's see, spanking usually doesn't bruise? Clothespins on nipples? Caning on the feet (bastinado)? E-stim?

It's good your husband realizes that this is his issue to get over. After all, vanilla sex that's vigorous can leave all sorts of marks too in the form of hickies, bites, and scratches, so by asking you to come home unmarked he's basically asking you two not to get too into it, which is pretty unfair.
 
Just a thought, I know you said your husband is very vanilla, but is it *possible* that part of what he finds upsetting is that you're exploring this new side of your sexuality with someone else and not him? Like, even if it doesn't come naturally to him, is there any chance that HE wants to figure out how to help you fulfill this urge and be the one leaving bruises on you but feels like you couldn't see him that way, or like this very experienced new guy would just outclass him to the point that you wouldn't be interested? Cuz if I were him and I did feel that way it would definitely be upsetting. Maybe he just doesn't know how to say it?
 
Hullo there! We are going through a bit similar situation with my partner, so I thought to chime in. I leave the salve and vitamin tips to the more experienced among us. The only thing that would come to me on top of my head would be a good warmup and avoiding hard individual strikes, but if your bf is as experienced as you say he is, he should be realizing this too. And bruising is unpredictable, as you said - no sure way to guard completely against it.

My partner looks like a mess after this weekend's play party. She's seen a lot of things in the scene and her bruising right now beats (sorry for the pun :p) everything she's seen before. It makes me physically nauseous to see.

We've talked about her and new bf putting aside certain instruments for a while. She's a masochist so pain is her poison and it's very hard for her (from my POV) to draw boundaries around that. We've agreed for her to take a month off all pain-inducing activities and to really gauge her feelings and limits around the issue. While your bruising certainly doesn't sound like something that could leave permanent scars/marks, maybe taking a set-date break from certain bruising activities could work?
 
When you decided to open up your marriage was this kink exploration a big factor for you? Was your husband aware of this going in and ok with it?

Does he have other partners and has he come home with scratches or hickeys? If so was it a big deal?

I don't think second guessing why he's upset is a good idea. I'd ask directly if seeing the bruises triggers bad memories and old issues.

Assuming the bruising can be covered by clothing why not negotiate a break from activities upon return from these kinds of dates a day or 2. That way you wont feel rejected and he wont have to see fresh evidence of a beating and get upset.

Annabel had a good point ....going off to be dominated.... getting a need fulfilled you can't get at home .... coming back with marks and bruises ...it maybe getting into that cuckold area. It's worth asking or talking about.
 
Thanks for the responses. I enjoy pain, but the whole humiliation/service side of things isn't really my cup of tea. E-stim has been raised as a possibility--might have to explore that I guess. My husband has been very clear that BDSM just doesn't appeal to him at all. It took a fair amount of coaxing just to get a little hair-pulling and spanking into our repertoire, and he just doesn't feel comfortable going much beyond that. He does feel a bit intimidated in the sense that he's said a couple times that he fears sex with my BF is somehow more fulfilling than with him. I'm trying to reassure him that nothing could be farther from the truth. Apples and oranges, apples and oranges. Both of them delicious in their own right. :)

I think taking a break from bruising activities is probably a good way to go. My husband is behaving much better than I did when confronted with a fear-triggering issue around poly, so I want to give him whatever time or space he needs to work on it.
 
Dingedheart,

When we first started opening up our relationship I hadn't realized I was quite as interested in kink as apparently I am. I did raise it with him before I started dating my BF, though, so he did get to "sign off" on it before I started this relationship. He's currently not dating anyone else, but in the past has come home with hickeys. I'm quite amused by them, so no it wasn't a big deal.

As far as just staying covered up after getting bruised, he's asked to be "warned" so as not to be surprised by seeing them. They generally last for at least a week or so and we both normally sleep in the nude so, unfortunately, there's no good way for them to go unnoticed until they disappear.

He's often hesitant to open up about his past abuse, so as much as I agree second-guessing isn't generally a good strategy, I don't want him to feel brow-beaten by me pushing for more information. I think it's enough for me to know they make him uncomfortable and I should try to respect that feeling.
 
Hey Detritus,
Arnica gel is supposed to be good for bruises. You can usually find it in health food and vitamin stores. Good for soreness too - lots of runners use it. If possible, look for the kind that has the extract as an ingredient, and not a homeopathic formulation/brand. Homeopathic arnica is said not to be as effective. Weleda makes both; the non-homeopathic is the massage oil. I've used it - Weleda's great, but expensive. Fortunately, you only need a little bit. You just gently massage it into the area. Maybe your bf could do that as a little after-care. There are probably other good brands that cost less.

Vitamin C is also recommended. Dr. Weill has a little page about taking care of bruises here: http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART02931/Bruises.html
 
"The problem is I occasionally come home with bruises and my husband finds them upsetting." detritus

My husband felt very similar to yours, in that he hated/got angry when he saw the bruises. Here's how I fixed it. I got in touch with a member of the kink community that was willing to SHOW hubby, first hand, how and why the bruising occurred. Hubby even participated in the making of said bruises. Once he saw how much I actually enjoyed the process he didn't pitch a fit when he saw them.
 
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Hi, I am the Boy Friend who is into BDSM

I want to say first how amazing Detritus and her husband are.
The first meet of Detritus's husband, after we were involved, was really nice. I came to a house warming party, and even stayed after to chat. I think he is a stand up a guy and I am lucky to have him as a paramore.

I wanted to come on here and give a bit of the story from my point of view; in the hopes of helping us all get through this. Feel free to ask me questions, and would gladly take any advice on how I can contribute positively to this situation.

First a bit about me, I am a second generation poly and BDSM practitioner. I have grown up going to socials participating in discussions, and generally being involved in the community. I did not start practicing either of these until about 3 years ago. I have had several successful relationships, and no few play partners. I am not a master at BDSm but certainly know enough to be safe and well informed on what I should not attempt.

Me and Detritus have been dating for 3 months, during that time we have experimented with some BDSM play. She had gone home once or twice with some bruising and we had a sit down where she explained how her husband was not comfortable with it. With this in mind we kept playing, for the most part I have been really good about bruising and marks. The scene before this one we had used a flogger and she did not mark at all.

At the evening in question I over did the scene, I used the same floggers but was not as watchful as I should have been. I left some significant swelling and bruising by the time I was done. I have been struggling with feelings of guilt and apprehension for the situation I have caused. I was warned about how he felt and stepped over that line. My biggest fear is that he not see it as an intentional disrespect of his boundaries. I respect him and the relationship that he is in.

I am feeling frustrated that my play with Detritus might be limited. I want to understand more about where her husband is coming from and anything I might be able to do to make things easier. Ultimately it is the boundaries and rules between them that will be worked on. I always feel uncomfortable when other people are making decisions that has an affect on my relationship with someone else. I do however understand the need to feel secure in a relationship, and not have another relationship shoved in your face overly much. I would like us to all walk away from this stronger, and perhaps even more connected than we are right now.

Thanks all for reading a bit from where I stand. Again I am here to answer any questions, or listen to any suggestions people might have.

~Falone
 
Hey Falone. I understand completely where all parties are coming from. I walked a mile in those shoes.

I remember the first time I came home with marks.Hubby and I were walking into Walmart an I was walking a little gingerly. When I explained why... he flipped. I was about in tears when he finished berating me for crossing that line. After discussing the issue with my Dom he felt uncomfortable doing a demo for my husband. The following week we went to a munch. During the course of the evening we met another couple. The Dom in that couple offered to show my husband how it was done.. and that I would be unharmed other than a few marks. We went to the couples place after.

The evening was a good one. The other hubby showing my hubby how things were done. With the guys wife being a temp sub for my husband while the guy worked me over. Hubby learned that night that getting the marks was actually enjoyable for me. The whole process was great. For a short time the other Dom even mentored my husband. Until the day the guy actually did damage me. He took a Cane to my open palms and dismissed my screams as fright. My husband and I made the choice together not to go back.

Hubby has learned a great deal since then . Including how to trust my judgement about my own limits and not his idea of what they should be.
 
I was warned about how he felt and stepped over that line. My biggest fear is that he not see it as an intentional disrespect of his boundaries. I respect him and the relationship that he is in.

I am feeling frustrated that my play with Detritus might be limited. I want to understand more about where her husband is coming from and anything I might be able to do to make things easier. Ultimately it is the boundaries and rules between them that will be worked on. I always feel uncomfortable when other people are making decisions that has an affect on my relationship with someone else. I do however understand the need to feel secure in a relationship, and not have another relationship shoved in your face overly much. I would like us to all walk away from this stronger, and perhaps even more connected than we are right now.

Falone, I don't think it is necessary for you to know where her hubs is coming from on this issue. That is a private matter between between Detritus and him. It is understandable that you feel frustration if the boundaries seem too restrictive, but you can find "freedom within the harness," as a wise teacher of mine used to say. We all have restrictions in life. And again, those boundaries are for them to work on between them -- and then you have the choice of whether to abide by them or walk away. Leaving marks accidentally is one thing, but you say you "were warned" and still were not as vigilant as you could have been, and then "stepped over the line," which all sound like willful choices you made (on some level - probably out of frustration), and that is not an option, nor acceptable. Though it is obvious how much you regret that.

I think it would go a long way if you talk with her husband and let him know you respect him, their marriage, and the boundaries they have, and sincerely apologize -- and then make sure you follow up and are never that lax about your watchfulness again. I would imagine that a good Dom should always have unwavering focus and attention on what is happening. I also suggest having arnica cream or massage oil on hand just in case.

I'm sure it will all work out. It sounds like everyone is communicating.
 
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I second the arnica and the vitamin C. I have a genetic condition that makes me bruise easily (and everywhere). The vitamin C is often recommended against bruising. I don't take an extremely high dose, but I aim to take it with every meal, and I have 500mg caps.

I have a wonder goo from an aromatherapist, they call it Miracle Balm. She picks the herbs and infuses them into the oil herself. I use it mostly for the arnica, even though it has many useful ingredients. If you have a local herbalist, or herb farm, or massage therapists, or really, any alternative health practitioners, they could probably refer you to someone doing something similar.

I also take a Standard Process supplement called Circuplex. It was recommended to me by a chiropractor. It's supposed to strengthen blood vessel walls. I always know when I'm forgetting it (or out of it) because my hands blow up (I have burst a blood vessel in my pinky from tying my shoe!). Good stuff.
 
I also meant to say, if your hubs has a serious history of abuse, some good therapy is definitely in order. It is important, I'd say critical, to be able to separate the past from the now. I say this as a person who spent many intensive years dealing with my own sordid history.

People who didn't know me then (and there aren't many still with me), they meet me now, and don't actually believe that I have history or that I was ever as dysfunctional as I was. It's a little irritating, frankly. But I wouldn't trade the freedom I created for anything. I'm not saying he's dysfunctional. I'm just saying I understand coming from a hideous background. I really understand how worth it it is to do the work and be free of it.

If he acknowledges and owns that it's his issue, I beg of him to not do it alone. Sure, it can be done, but why work so hard and why tough it out? Especially when there are so very many sources available for help and guidance.
 
I have no frame of reference but I wonder how wise it would be to have a person with an abuse history to watch a loved one being beaten or flogged. It just might trigger some PTSD event. Buying and wearing a night gown might be way cheaper and easier than $150 per hour shrink.

I wasn't suggesting that your husband shared his painful past with you....I was merely suggesting that you should ask him if the feeling surrounding the sight of these bruises and marks might be tied to his past. More for him to ponder ...alone. I certainly don't think browbeating would be a good idea ....and if this a taboo topic then maybe it does have more relevance...like you were thinking...which makes this stickier.
 
Thanks for the words of advice everyone. I'm not sure I have more to add at the moment, but you've all given me much to think about. I had good (if tough) conversations with all involved last night. My husband has been seeing a therapist for the last few months--and I have too. We've no embarrassment around that. Life can be tough for everyone, but why not get a little help if you can?

I'm not sure he'll ever be interested in seeing "how it's done" but it's interesting that some people find that tack helpful. Nightgown or no nightgown, it's fairly impossible to live with a lover and not have them see you in various states of disrobe. In general I try to keep the bruises hidden, but he still sees them and/or knows they are there. I think taking extreme measure to keep him from ever seeing them would cause greater damage to our relationship than talking it through as we are doing now. It feels very secretive, distancing, and--well--more like cheating than poly.
 
Even if no helpful solutions were found it sounds like this may have been a catalyst to a needed conversation.

I agree going to extreme measures to hide them might have the reverse effect. However when I suggested it I was thinking of it as a mutually agreed upon solution. If he saw you wearing a night gown he'd know there was some bruising or marks ....similar to the verbal warning ...and it might take away that in your face type thing. However not knowing the size, depth, and body part the bruising is on ... could make a world of difference to him. I know the feminists will say it's your body and you can do with it what you want ....but he may love looking, admiring, touching those body parts and to see it that way (no matter how much you enjoyed getting them ) would be like someone spraying graffiti on the Sistine Chapel. And then's there's the possible turn off of kissing, feeling up, and or being intimate with an accident victim....( just the possible image in his head).
 
This might be a weird idea, but I'll throw it out there:

Rather than try to hide the bruises (which would seem to make the problem a bigger deal than it is), would it be possible for you and your husband to deliberately inspect your bruises together when you come home? (Or maybe the next day?) Could you make it a sort of loving ritual that you two do together? Something that would happen regularly and not be a surprise?

This could be way to build connection and emotional intimacy around your bruising. Like, maybe he could kiss your bruises tenderly in a way that reaffirms your love for each other each time you come home. (But not as sex play; it's not going to be arousing for your husband to see those bruises).

I know the sight of your bruises must be physically nauseating and horrifying for him, but maybe over time he could learn to feel differently about it. Like, what if you were a boxer and getting bruised was just a part of your life? A boxer's partner might lovingly inspect her body after each fight, and help her put salve on the bruises, etc.

That way your bruises would become less about your other lover than about your husband learning to understand an important part of you.

As a woman finally getting to explore my long-repressed kinky side, I sympathize with you and where you're coming from, and all the new emotions you are having.

But as someone who is way on the vanilla side of kinky, and is pretty weirded out by hard-core BDSM, especially S&M, I sympathize with your husband and get where he is coming from. At the very least, it must be creepy to see bruises on one's partner.
 
I have had a bit of this recently.
My husband was away with my/our gf for the weekend and, as planned they did some fairly rough BDSM. Now I am kinky too, but like slightly different things to her, and the bruises she had were pinning down, "proper" beating (rather than more ritualised type flogging) etc. Now I am quite protective of her, I top her too, but I'm very deliberate and subtle with it, I feel a bit odd about knowing that he has been hurting her. I'm not sure how to define it. I might do sadistic things to her, but I wouldn't punch her in the face, he would, and that is exactly what she wants from him.
The thing she did that actually made me more comfortable, was explained (or affirmed, because I really know what her motivations are) why she *needed* him to do that. She had a really difficult couple of days and she needed the release of being properly hurt, nothing else would have released that tension. I can recognise that he wasn't hurting her, so much as facilitating her healing. We all have different reasons for doing BDSM, but would understanding yours help him?
You might be able to prevent/reduce the bruising, if it is arms/legs etc from being pinned down, that's hard, but if it is from spanking, flogging or the like, you can reduce it by warming up. If your top starts with a softer paddle/flogger, gently, and builds up, the fluid rises into the skin, it gets puffy and red, but it cushions the blows as they get harder. It still hurts (it can be more stingy) but it bruises much less. Properly warming up can be the difference between being black and blue the next morning, and not having a mark on you.
 
T4three,

So your husband has actually hit your girlfriend with a bare fist in the face....wow that is true love ...and really great control ...as to not cause serious injury. How do practice that? Talk about wearing a mark or bruises....on the face...wow. Does she cover these with make up or wear them as a badge of honor?

I've been punched in the face ...nose broken a few times and a cracked cheek bone but I think your girlfriend should be giving the advice here:D.
 
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