Emotional energy and dating multiples

polycurious123

New member
I posted a few months ago about being dumped because I was a distraction from a guy's search for his primary. Who knows why he really ended things with me, but I think one of the core issues was emotional energy.

I think he loved me and care for me, but the emotional energy he had to use with me was too overwhelming. While I honestly don't think I was too demanding or clingy, he still had to worry about making me feel secure as one of many, scheduling time to see me, making sure that time was meaningful and met my needs, remembering to call or text me and check in, be available if I needed him. All this, while meeting and dating others to find his primary partner.

(We were in mutual agreement that we weren't compatible as primary/nesting partners, but loved each other and wanted to be with each other while we searched. However, he kept bringing that up when he was stressed and again when he ended things between us, that we weren't a fit for each other, even though I was like, "Uh I know! We talked about this!")

He said he was polyamorous. He was in open relationships before we started seeing each other.

So...my question or topic of discussion is EMOTIONAL ENERGY.

First, I'm wondering why did I seem to drain his emotional energy when I honestly tried to be very careful not to do so? I let him take the lead of the pace of the relationship, wasn't demanding, etc. He was dating others when we were together and still continued to see them after he dumped me.

Second, how do you balance emotional energy with multiple relationships? Is it more of a struggle with men, who typically handle their emotions differently than women?

Third, Do some people claim to be polyamorous, which I interpret as having emotional connections with many, vs. wanting an open relationship where they can can have casual sexual relationships with others, but keep the emotion to their primary?
 
Hi there, polycurious123. I just skimmed through your thread from back in November when the guy you were seeing broke up with you. You took it quite hard and obviously he, and how things went down, are still very much on your mind.

At some point in that thread, you wrote:
I think I'm starting to get it. Finally! He can't/doesn't want to give me what I need. Whether mono or poly, it's a very valid reason to break up. It is what it is. I need to move on.

Now it looks like you are hoping to learn from your experience with him. Either that, or you have not yet let go of the hurt and confusion you felt when it ended. Just be careful not to think there is some sort of formula or technique for making a relationship (whether poly or mono) work for you. The best thing for any relationship is simply to be present.

So, in this thread, you say that you don't think you were too demanding or clingy in that relationship. But what I immediately noticed is how you described his role in the relationship and how he was invested in it:

". . . he still had to worry about making me feel secure as one of many, scheduling time to see me, making sure that time was meaningful and met my needs, remembering to call or text me and check in, be available if I needed him. All this, while meeting and dating others to find his primary partner."

When I read that paragraph, it seemed like there was a lot he felt he "had to" be taking care to do well while he was also hoping to meet someone to be his "primary" (ugh, I hate that word and concept). But I am also not sure if this is stuff he expressed to you, how you interpreted what he was doing, or things you actually felt you needed.

So, here is a break-down:

  • worry about making you feel secure as "one of many"
So, he was dating other people. In your other thread, you stated that his relationships with those other women he was seeing were much more casual than what he had with you. You both also loved each other.

What elements would you say made your relationship more committed or involved than the less casual ones he had? Why did he feel he had to "worry" about your sense of security with him? Did you have agreements that he had to do this or that to make sure you felt secure?

In essence, feeling secure is an inside job - no one can do it for you. Perhaps he grew to have the sense that he would never be able to do enough to "make you" feel secure. Maybe you exhibited signs of deep insecurity that he felt he could not help you with, even though you were dating other people, too, and you felt you were not clingy.

  • scheduling time to see you
This I find is a responsibility that everyone shares, especially if all partners are seeing multiple people. I wonder why scheduling with you seemed more of a task than scheduling things with his other lovers - if that is what you're saying? Did you and he have regularly scheduled days or nights together or a calendar set up to make things easier? Do you think you were in any way demanding of his time, or expressing your need to see him in a way that he could have seen as demanding? Did you ever have a hissy fit when he couldn't see you? How often did you get together?

  • making sure that time was meaningful and met your needs
Again, this one has me curious. Did you want him to uphold a certain standard of "being meaningful" for every time you got together with him? Would you express disappointment if you were just hanging out, not doing what you would consider meaningful? You couldn't just have a lunch date, do something silly, or lounge around doing nothing? And what needs was he supposed to, or felt he was supposed to, meet each and every time you got together? I am perplexed by the concept that he had to make sure the time you spent together was "meaningful."

  • remembering to call or text you and check in
Was this a daily need of yours? Did you expect him to check in with you even when he was out on a date, or getting home from one? What kind of check-ins did you require? Did you ever complain about his frequency or quality of doing these things?

  • be available if you needed him.
No matter what? Did you expect him to drop everything whenever you wanted him to be available? Did he somehow feel that it was required of him with you, but not his other lovers? What kinds of things would you need him for, and how often did things like that come up? I am just trying to understand.

  • All this, while meeting and dating others to find his primary partner.
In your previous thread, you said he told you that his relationship with you was a distraction from meeting someone who could be a life partner for him, though he thought he could resume a relationship with you after he found someone. I wonder if you did come across as a bit demanding, even though you didn't think so.

I asked the questions above just to stimulate a new thought process for you, and to give us all some more clarity in order to help you.
 
Thanks for your thoughtful response nycindie and for trying to help me.

I agree, there isn't a formula. I'm trying to figure out what I can learn from my past experience and not make the same mistakes.

I think "had to" was the wrong words to use. I meant, these were the expectations and/or agreements. We agreed to make regular scheduled time to see each other and keep in touch. This is what you do in every relationship. However, he seemed to feel pressured eventually by those expectations. Maybe he did see it as demanding, but I honestly don't think I was. For example, if I said "Hope to see you soon" he would get defensive and think I was being passive aggressive about scheduling a date. I never had a hissy fit. I did initiate, but he was usually busy, so I eventually let him schedule things because of that. Regarding "meaningful" I just meant quality. That it wasn't just sex, but that we spent time together as friends and built our relationship.

I don't think having expectations is being demanding.

Do most people struggle with meeting the relationship expectations when seeing many people?

I think with this guy he really just wanted something casual and "hands free" with me - to see me whenever he wanted to see me, no advance planning, and if he didn't feel like calling me, he wouldn't have to. Whereas, when you're in a committed relationship, you know your partner wants to hear from you, and even though you're busy, you make an effort because you want to and because they want you to.

I made it very clear in the beginning that I wanted an emotional connection...he felt it and made an effort, but then seemed overwhelmed and exhausted by it. I DO want to own up to my mistakes, and there are some things I could've done differently, but I just wonder if a) he decided he didn't love me anymore or b) he realized he didn't have the energy or desire to be emotionally connected to more than one person
 
I made it very clear in the beginning that I wanted an emotional connection...he felt it and made an effort, but then seemed overwhelmed and exhausted by it.
So your wants were not compatible for the majority of the relationship, were they?
 
... He was dating others when we were together and still continued to see them after he dumped me.

Whether you think that he has limited "emotional energy" and however you perceive him to dole it out, he decided to end the relationship with you. People say all kinds of things in attempts to soften the blow, but it's still a break up. I would advise you to focus now entirely on feeling whole in and of yourself, taking this opportunity to get clear about what you want and what works for you. Trying to understand (or imagine that you understand) the way that he goes about "poly" is really not going to help you move forward.

It sounds to me like you really struggle with fears that you're perceived as too needy, which boils down to insecurity. Nobody can make you wonder if you're needy unless you kind of agree with them. Love in and of itself is inspiring and energy producing. Love met with insecurity and doubt is energy sapping and overwhelming. You two quite possibly did love each other, but if you also had significant insecurity, both you and he would have felt that as "overwhelming" and that is a pit that nobody's love can ever fill. Focus now on building your own inner security. You'll see the payoff, not only in feeling happier in general, but in syncing up next time with someone who feels inspired by your presence in his life, no matter how many other plates he has spinning.



I made it very clear in the beginning that I wanted an emotional connection...
Get clear about this and you'll never be with someone you'll have to convince. He will want it, too. Our relationships always reflect our self perception. Always. You can't have been as clear (in yourself) as you're telling yourself or else you would not have gotten into the dance with him about it. It's not about what you tell someone, it's about the way you feel about you. The people in your life will show you what is really happening in your story about you.
 
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So your wants were not compatible for the majority of the relationship, were they?

I guess not....deep statement. Which...inspired the post.

Why did he feel he was expending so much emotional energy to meet basic relationship expectations?

(I also think he displaced A LOT of issues from his ex on to me - expecting that I had the same issues she did, when I did not...this was very frustrating.)
 
Wise words FallenAngelina! And you're right. I need to stop trying to analyze things. He ended things. Period.

But, I have to disagree. I wasn't insecure. I really, really wasn't. Although there were growing pains, I didn't compare myself to his other lovers or feel jealousy or anger when he was with them. I was happy that he was happy.

I think I keep I emphasizing that I wasn't "needy" because that's my way of saying I supported his other relationships.

And again, you're right. I want my partners to be people who feel inspired by my presence in his life, not that I'm a burden.

It really hurts me that I feel like he treated me like I WAS a burden, when I let him initiate most of our time together.


"Our relationships always reflect our self perception. Always." DEEP! I need to think about this. Not sure if I totally understand it. Are you saying since I felt at times he didn't want to spend time with me, then I was really saying I'm not worthy of spending time with, thus sabtaoging the relationship with him saying I don't wnat to spend time with you anymore?
 
Why did he feel he was expending so much emotional energy to meet basic relationship expectations?

nycindie addressed in detail this very question. You're looking to him for reasons that your relationship didn't work out and that's not going to help you. Understanding your part in all of this will help you.



It really hurts me that I feel like he treated me like I WAS a burden....
This wouldn't even be a thought for you (let alone hurt you) if you didn't believe it one whit. People always reflect what we believe about ourselves.
 
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nycindie addressed in detail this very question. You're looking to him for reasons that your relationship didn't work out and that's not going to help you. Understanding your part in all of this will help you.




This wouldn't even be a thought for you (let alone hurt you) if you didn't believe it one whit. People always reflect what we believe about ourselves.

Thanks. You're right....I needed to hear this. So much to think about!
 
Thanks. You're right....I needed to hear this. So much to think about!

Happy to help.

Perhaps loyal and well meaning friends might say, "He was a self centered jerk who went back on his agreements, mismanaged his time, had unrealistic expectations and undeservedly projected his ex's problems onto you," but that's not going to help you move forward to a better place so that next time you won't get hooked into a similar experience. Recognizing the particular ways that you get drawn in will help you develop more genuine confidence and ease. You'll see that increasing ease reflected in the people who come into your life - no "growing pains" necessary.
 
. . . these were the expectations and/or agreements. We agreed to make regular scheduled time to see each other and keep in touch. This is what you do in every relationship.
Is it? No, not everyone in relationships agrees to schedule time together on a regular basis. I don't, because I like spontaneity and prefer that my lovers get in touch when they are moved to see me, not because we've promised to see each other X number of times a week or every third Friday. I hate obligation in relationships. Many people are like me and would feel oppressed if expected to come up with a schedule. Maybe he was similar and feels better when he can just wing it.

I am not saying compromise is impossible - but wanted to point out that "This is what you do in every relationship" is a statement that you can really only make for yourself.

However, he seemed to feel pressured eventually by those expectations. Maybe he did see it as demanding, but I honestly don't think I was.
For someone like me, that kind of expectation does feel like a demand. I am just sharing that, not out of criticism, but so you can see another perspective. The expectations that you've believed everyone has in love relationships simply aren't universal. You and he were probably speaking different languages when discussing what you wanted out of the relationship.

For example, if I said "Hope to see you soon" he would get defensive and think I was being passive aggressive about scheduling a date.
Yeah, I don't want anyone I'm dating to think I am *hoping* they will call or want to see me again. I feel that saying I'm hoping to see them soon makes me sound like a beggar for their attention. It's "giving away" my personal power to be *hoping* he'll want to see me soon. I don't say that. It also feels like a manipulation to me.

Plus, I often wind up dating guys who have similar outlooks as I do -- meaning that they don't like a lot of expectations in relationships -- which also taught me not to say things like that when I am dating someone. If someone says that to me, it certainly can feel like pressure. If we already do have something planned in the future, I would say, "See you Thursday" or "looking forward to the concert," but if there are no plans in place, a person who dislikes obligations placed on them would not like to hear that you are "hoping" to see them again "soon." Just say general things like, "good night, sweetie," "take care," or "good luck with the [whatever]." It seems like a little thing, but it actually isn't.

Regarding "meaningful" I just meant quality. That it wasn't just sex, but that we spent time together as friends and built our relationship.
What I am wondering, however, is if you ever said to him that you wanted and expected your dates to be meaningful and not just about sex, and how you said it. He may have interpreted it as too much expectation or that he could not provide you with enough of whatever meaningful interactions you expected. Even if just knowing that you were wanting things to take a certain track so that the relationship is "building" or "going somewhere" could've felt like too much pressure to him if it's at odds with what he wanted. Not everyone needs a relationship to "go somewhere" (the "Relationship Escalator").

Please note - it's not important to try and figure out how he interpreted things. What's much more important is to know what kind of message you send when you ask for what you want.

I don't think having expectations is being demanding.
Hmm, well, I do see expectations as demands. I feel strongly that it is perfectly fine to have preferences, but where people get tripped up is in having expectations. I've come to learn that expectation is the killer of relationships.

. . . Whereas, when you're in a committed relationship, you know your partner wants to hear from you, and even though you're busy, you make an effort because you want to and because they want you to.
You are contradicting yourself in this one statement. Yes, people probably do want to hear from people they care about and it's best when the people they care about get in touch because they want to -- but not because it's expected and an obligation. And hey, if I'm busy and can't get in touch with someone, I would rather they be understanding and patient than disappointed and feeling hurt.

I made it very clear in the beginning that I wanted an emotional connection...he felt it and made an effort, but then seemed overwhelmed and exhausted by it.
It seems to me there was basic incompatibility in the ways you both approached "committed" relationships. Is he an introvert, by the way?

Why did he feel he was expending so much emotional energy to meet basic relationship expectations?
Hmm, "basic relationship expectations" are different things to different people. Some people strive to hold no expectations in relationships, while others expect the world handed to them. "Basic" for you was probably not what is basic for him.

It really hurts me that I feel like he treated me like I WAS a burden, when I let him initiate most of our time together.
Don't hurt yourself with this information; let it teach you. You don't have to be victimized by the thoughts you're having about what he wanted and how he treated you. You can be empowered by the self-knowledge you can gain from looking at your part in it.
 
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Hi polycurious123,

I thought maybe the guy you were seeing got worn out because of his saturation level. By that I mean that different people can handle a different number of dates/partners before they get *saturated* or overwhelmed. You can call it "polysaturated" if you want. In any case, he was (perhaps) over his saturation limit.

Some people have a saturation level of one person, and those people are best off being monogamous. Some monogamous people would feel drained and overwhelmed if they tried to take on a second partner.

Was your guy polysaturated? Perhaps.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Is it? No, not everyone in relationships agrees to schedule time together on a regular basis. I don't, because I like spontaneity and prefer that my lovers get in touch when they are moved to see me, not because we've promised to see each other X number of times a week or every third Friday. I hate obligation in relationships. Many people are like me and would feel oppressed if expected to come up with a schedule. Maybe he was similar and feels better when he can just wing it.

Hmm. Do you have any sort of minimum frequency below which you just feel ignored, schedule or no? I've been working on the "no expectations" thing and it's challenging for me
 
Your story strikes a chord with me. This line of thought (trying to figure out his thoughts) seems unproductive. I would encourage you to focus on yourself, your priorities, boundaries, and your life in general without someone in the picture. As others have suggested, clarity in these areas make it much easier down the road to be in alignment with someone.
 
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Re (from icesong):
"Do you have any sort of minimum frequency below which you just feel ignored, schedule or no?"

It would depend on the circumstances, and on what I knew about the other person. I live in the same house as Snowbunny, so I pretty much take daily contact for granted. Now if I was dating someone new I probably wouldn't expect daily contact, but beyond that it would really depend on the person and the circumstances. Heck I can imagine being okay with about once every three months, if the other person was introverted enough and/or had enough on her plate. Though if you don't spend much time with each other, the time you do spend should be quality time.
 
Is it? No, not everyone in relationships agrees to schedule time together on a regular basis. I don't, because I like spontaneity and prefer that my lovers get in touch when they are moved to see me, not because we've promised to see each other X number of times a week or every third Friday. I hate obligation in relationships. Many people are like me and would feel oppressed if expected to come up with a schedule. Maybe he was similar and feels better when he can just wing it.
Hmm. Do you have any sort of minimum frequency below which you just feel ignored, schedule or no? I've been working on the "no expectations" thing and it's challenging for me
Nope. I live in NYC where just about everyone is stressed and busy, everyone stays late at work, everyone has a long commute. I need to decompress from just my daily life a lot of the time, so I need my "me time."

There is a man I see who doesn't contact me very often - maybe every three or four months. I leave it up to him because he has more on his plate than I do. He texts me when he wants to see me and, if I am able, I do. I won't drop everything to accommodate him (and he knows that), but I will try to see him if I can. We have a great time whenever we get together, but we don't converse in between, and I absolutely do not feel ignored or forgotten when we're not in touch. I have no doubt he's thinking of me. I just don't feel the need to see or talk to someone daily or even weekly, so I never place those expectations on people.

I would feel ignored if I tried to contact someone two or three times and he didn't respond at all. But as far as frequency, sure, it's nice when I've been involved with a guy who can and wants to get together once or twice a week --but that feels like a lot to me, and is not a requirement. If a guy expected that of me, I'd feel suffocated.

Also, if someone promises to call or get together with me, I do prefer they keep their promise, but I know that in life anything can happen and get in the way of plans, so I don't count on anything until I see it happening. Low expectations = less disappointment. However, continually being unresponsive or breaking promises does send a clear message that someone isn't truly interested, so I don't put my life on hold or hang around waiting. I just figure we've moved on.
 
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nycindie, I want to thank you for your insight in this thread. I have been struggling with too many ecpectations from my part in my first ever "off the escalator" relationship, the one with Jeremy. Reading your posts here has made it clear to me what was my problem.

Jeremy is very introverted and now as the NRE is fading away, we have been seeing each other less often. Our last planned date got cancelled because I got sick, and now it is over a month without any dates. However, he has been having quite so active social life otherwise: seeing his friends and family. Which of course is good that he has been able to do, especially since I was sick and thus not available.

Now, I suggested a date for this week and he declined it saying he was overstimulated socially and had to have some time on his own. Boy, I felt hurt! I could not pin point why, because... well, this sounds so normal and reasonable. After reading nycindie's posts on this thread I could see the underlying expectations (that he did not meet). My expectation was that he should have me as a greater priority than the other people in his life, 'cause we are dating.

How silly of me! Those other people have been in his life way longer than me - of course they are a higher priority! They are his family and friends. I am just someone he is seeing occasionally - and we have even discussed the issues of relationship escalator and commitment and agreed on not being "in a committed relationship".

It is enlightening to realize such emotional reactions in me and to bring the underlying expectations into daylight. I wonder if it would help me to start calling Jeremy something in line with lover-friend and not boyfriend... The word boyfriend is so loaded, and sometimes the words do have a lot of power. Edited to add: Jeremy has not called me his girlfriend, and I have felt a bit hurt about that as well. Now I think he has been very wise :) He saves the title "girlfriend" for a possible future escalator partner!
 
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I don't know, I have to push back a little bit with all of the people talking about having unrealistic expecations and everything because hey...you know, sometimes we need what we need. And while it sucks to be into somebody who isn't aligned with your needs, and be hurt by that, it doesn't mean that your needs are not valid, or your position needs adjustment.

Personally, if I did not have meaningful contact (phone calls, message conversations with some substance, in person visits all count) for a matter of months then I do absolutely feel ignored, neglected, unimportant to someone, basically that I am being ghosted. I'm not into that.

This resonates with me because of my affair with the Worm King last year. I was on fire for him. We saw each other more than once a week for the first couple of weeks...then it was two weeks before I saw him...then a few weeks...then six weeks...and we only ever talked on the phone ONCE and he went from initially texting me every day, to not at all.

He said first that he had a tendency to get jealous. I told him I would be exclusive for him, with no request or expectation of him committing the same to me. He told me then that I was "needy" and to get my needs fulfilled elsewhere. So I did. He gave me constantly conflicting signals. It was confusing, and yes...it MADE ME FEEL insecure as hell. I had no idea where I stood with him ever. There does come a point where it's ok to say that the way someone behaves triggers an emotional response in you...good or bad...but then once you recognize that, it really is on you to change the situation if you need to. And you cannot control the other person's actions or try to even influence them, you can choose to either deal with your emotions somehow or move on.

But the part of that experience that I think is relevent...is that for a while after we parted ways, I drove my brain around in silly little circles trying to figure him out. What was his motivation for acting that way? What was his deal, what was he thinking, what does he want, and is there a way I can BE that whatever it is?? Nope. All of those hours of thought were an utter waste of my time. Because at the end of the day, it just doesn't matter if he only wanted me on the most casual basis, or if he just wasn't that into me, or if he had emotional unavailability due to his past, or if he got bored, or WHATEVER. He just was not a good candidate for what I really need...which is far more honesty (including honest with self and partners) and communication about where we stand and a level of engagement that feels comfortable to me.

Not all non-escalator relationships are super casual. It's one thing to be understanding of a partner who has a lot on their plate. But I am not down to be anyone's "once every 3-6 months" booty call, nor to be ghosted and treated as though my feelings aren't important, or emotions aren't allowed, or any of that. I don't want to feel as though maintenance of my relationship is a nuisance or a chore. If dude doesn't want to spend time with me, it's time for me to move the heck on.

OP...there is nothing wrong with you. K? Just work on being enlightened about what your needs really are, and making them a priority with future dudes. Don't compromise things that will cause you hurt. There are too many fish in the sea for us to be doing that.

EDIT: OP, clearly though, moving on is a process...I still fantasize about conversations I'd like to have with my disaster, I still chew on the matter trying to glean some wisdom from it, I still in fact miss him and wish I could see him again. A tiny piece of my spirit says "maybe I could do it all differently and it could be ok" ...but I know better. Haven't seen him since September. So I'm not judging you one bit for still dwelling on this.
 
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Jeremy has not called me his girlfriend, and I have felt a bit hurt about that as well. Now I think he has been very wise :) He saves the title "girlfriend" for a possible future escalator partner!

This is cool if it's what you want, but recognize that you're looking to him to define your relationship. Nycindie's relationships work for her becasue she defines what she wants and gets involved with people who match that. You can have a non-escalator relationship in which you would be a girlfriend and a high priority and see your partner frequently if you're clear about wanting that. The key here is to be solid in yourself about what you want, not to look to your partner to tell you how it's gonna be.
 
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