Poly/BDSM Intersection?

ProudMama

New member
How much of an intersection is there between poly and BDSM? I know that this site doesn't want to focus on how we do it in the bedroom, or basement or... I'm new here and I don't want to breech etiquette, but how many here are in or have been in Dom/sub or Dom/sub/sub relationships?
 
Many of us are very vanilla... like myself.

Others are involved in BDSM.

If you live a Dom/sub lifestyle that affects how issues are handled in your relationship just make a note in your signature so folks can give appropriate advice.
 
In my case, my wife did not like BDSM so my wife brought her dominant girlfriend into our lives. She dominated me for a few decades, but only in bed. What is really weird about this is that our g/f is the sister of a friend of mine. She was the local hottie as she was a tall blonde Norwegian with very large breasts. We used to go swimming in my friend's pool in the summer and one day someone dared me to grab her boob, which I did. In return I got my face slapped so hard that my ears were ringing. I somehow found that exciting and since that fatal day, I got interested in BDSM.

Who would have guessed that the one who awakened me would eventually be my dominant sexual partner for most of my life. My wife was glad to have her take care of that side of me. As I posted elsewhere, the three of us complimented each other perfectly.
 
bdsm tag

subHubby,

If you look toward the right of your screen on Polyamory.com you will see 'Search' on the blue line near the top. Click on that and then click 'Tag Search'. That will take you to where you can search threads for specific tags. I tried 'bdsm' and got two pages of relevant results. You can also try other tags like 'd/s' or 'sub' and so on. It's true that this forum is not specifically kink focused but bdsm does come up not infrequently and many posters here are also in various kink communities.

Good luck!
 
Are there specific questions you have about the two or were you just curious if the two are commonly found together?
 
How much of an intersection is there between poly and BDSM? I know that this site doesn't want to focus on how we do it in the bedroom, or basement or... I'm new here and I don't want to breech etiquette, but how many here are in or have been in Dom/sub or Dom/sub/sub relationships?
The best answer I can come up with to that question is: "Every time there are more than two people involved in the relationship".

It might be one Dom/Domme and multiple subs
It might be one spouse/partner that's not into BDSM but the other is and they have a Dom/Domme (making a "V")
It might be one sub that's topped by a Dom/Domme who is themselves topped by yet another Dom/Domme.
It might be two or more Doms/Dommes (any combination of males and females) that share a sub (or group of subs).

The wonderful thing (in my mind anyway) about Poly is the diversity available. In Poly any combination is possible.
 
Dom/sub/slave

Bdsm is priority in O/our home... just sort of happened that Master took a slave

i am still processing that

:)
 
The best answer I can come up with to that question is: "Every time there are more than two people involved in the relationship".

It might be one Dom/Domme and multiple subs
It might be one spouse/partner that's not into BDSM but the other is and they have a Dom/Domme (making a "V")
It might be one sub that's topped by a Dom/Domme who is themselves topped by yet another Dom/Domme.
It might be two or more Doms/Dommes (any combination of males and females) that share a sub (or group of subs).

The wonderful thing (in my mind anyway) about Poly is the diversity available. In Poly any combination is possible.

I don't know that this is necessarily true. Out of myself, my husband, his girlfriend, and her husband, I'm the only one that has any interest in BDSM, and that is purely from a physical standpoint (I like some types of pain). I'm not submissive and I'm not dominate and I have very little interest in that type of dynamic outside of the occasional sex (I tend to switch when it comes up related to sex, it really, truly depends on the partner and even what type of mood I'm in, as once or twice I've topped, for a little while, the most dominant partner I've ever had). My ex-boyfriend is incredibly dominant and yet, even with him, it was a dynamic I was not willing to get into, even though it had been a huge part of most of the relationships he had been in before me. He'd occasionally make comments or act a certain way to see if I'd changed my mind and always, always came to the conclusion that I hadn't, so he didn't push it further.
 
I like you guys

Thanks for the forum Gals and guys. (Ladies first, at here in my house).

Mistress is considering another vanilla-ish sub that I pointed out on Craigslist. She is out of town soon and won't have time til next week to contact him again. Waiting for my Mistress, what a lucky guy. I say limit shlimit. Mine are way past my hard and fast limits from 20 years ago.

It sounds like I will not offend most.
 
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At least my research shows that polyamory and BD/SM are correlated. Polyamory also correlates with other sexual / contact issues, like homo/bi sexuality and having masturbated in public (and in fact also with flashing).
 
At least my research shows that polyamory and BD/SM are correlated. Polyamory also correlates with other sexual / contact issues, like homo/bi sexuality and having masturbated in public (and in fact also with flashing).

You may want to do more research..

I am poly.. I have 2 husbands. To be blunt bdsm is an automatic turn off for me. In fact it creeps me out and has a major ick factor for me. I am straight as can be. I am an extremely private person. Pdas are family friendly. I am conservative in my dress. I have no fetishes or etc.

I know many many poly people like myself. No we are not a closeted either.
 
You may want to do more research..

I am poly.. I have 2 husbands. To be blunt bdsm is an automatic turn off for me. In fact it creeps me out and has a major ick factor for me. I am straight as can be. I am an extremely private person. Pdas are family friendly. I am conservative in my dress. I have no fetishes or etc.

I know many many poly people like myself. No we are not a closeted either.

It's only a correlation, and one that is only intermediate. That means that many poly people do not like BD/SM, are not homo/bi sexual, and also do not have fetishes or paraphilias. Still, these things are more common than in the general population, which should add to the interest in the community.
 
Still, these things are more common than in the general population, which should add to the interest in the community.
A blanket statement like that should be supported with verifiable data. Without it, it's just your opinion and doesn't add up to much beyond that.


OP, there are many polyfolk are are not into any form of BDsm at all, and many who are. Some people think of poly itself as a kink (which, IMHO, is really stupid and illogical). Personally, I'm straight and only a little kinky in the bedroom. Most BDsm activities I read about are disturbing and distasteful to me. To me, polyamory is simply an ethical approach to having multiple, loving relationships and I get really tired of the prevalence of kink emphasized in my local poly groups.

Whether there is kink involved or not is up to the people participating, there should be no assumptions made regarding whether poly people are kinky or kinky people will be into poly or not. In both subcultures, there are a lot more people involved than are posting online or attending groups.

For more discussion on BDsm and poly, feel free to visit and add to this thread, entitled "BDsm" : http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1824
 
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A blanket statement like that should be supported with verifiable data. Without it, it's just your opinion and doesn't add up to much beyond that.

I'm not ready to publish that yet, but I'm sure I eventually will. Still, published or not doesn't change the fact they are correlated.

OP, there are many polyfolk are are not into any form of BDsm at all, and many who are. Some people think of poly itself as a kink (which, IMHO, is really stupid and illogical). Personally, I'm straight and only a little kinky in the bedroom. Most BDsm activities I read about are disturbing and distasteful to me. To me, polyamory is simply an ethical approach to having multiple, loving relationships and I get really tired of the prevalence of kink emphasized in my local poly groups.

To me, it is really disturbing that sex with multiple persons and polyamory are frequently assumed to be the same thing. To me, polyamory is unrelated to if you want sex at all, and if so, want it with more than one person or not. There should be no need for the term "asexual polyamory" at all, as polyamory shouldn't assume anything about sex at all.

I can base this on my research as well, as asexuality/sex for bonding and polyamory are not on the same dimension, and thus are unrelated.

This is actually quite similar. If you don't want to know about the connection between polyamory and BD/SM, kinks and alike, then I and other people that only like asexual polyamory shouldn't need to hear that polyamory is about swinging and sex.
 
I don't know that this is necessarily true. Out of myself, my husband, his girlfriend, and her husband, I'm the only one that has any interest in BDSM, and that is purely from a physical standpoint (I like some types of pain). I'm not submissive and I'm not dominate and I have very little interest in that type of dynamic outside of the occasional sex (I tend to switch when it comes up related to sex, it really, truly depends on the partner and even what type of mood I'm in, as once or twice I've topped, for a little while, the most dominant partner I've ever had). My ex-boyfriend is incredibly dominant and yet, even with him, it was a dynamic I was not willing to get into, even though it had been a huge part of most of the relationships he had been in before me. He'd occasionally make comments or act a certain way to see if I'd changed my mind and always, always came to the conclusion that I hadn't, so he didn't push it further.
Oh I wasn't limiting it to those four options... they were just the first four that came to mind and seemed the easiest to type out.

Just like with Poly (without even taking into account any any BDSM aspect) the possible combinations are limitless.
 
Oh I wasn't limiting it to those four options... they were just the first four that came to mind and seemed the easiest to type out.

Just like with Poly (without even taking into account any any BDSM aspect) the possible combinations are limitless.

But you did say it was your opinion that the D/s part of BDSM always comes into play if there are more than 2 people in a relationship. That was the part that I was disputing. Some people have no interest in power dynamics and tend to find partners like themselves. In the group of four people I noted, no one is into power dynamics and it's an N configuration, so according to what you were asserting, there should be at least one couple out of the three that exist (me and my husband, my husband and his girlfriend, his girlfriend and her husband) that had a D/s component. There isn't. I currently have three friends with benefits that I'm seeing on and off. None of those three relationships have a D/s component either, though at least one of them does have some pain involved in the sex. So I don't think you can say there is automatically going to be at least one relationship with a D/s component if there are more than two people in a relationship configuration. That's all I was trying to say.
 
But you did say it was your opinion that the D/s part of BDSM always comes into play if there are more than 2 people in a relationship. That was the part that I was disputing. Some people have no interest in power dynamics and tend to find partners like themselves. In the group of four people I noted, no one is into power dynamics and it's an N configuration, so according to what you were asserting, there should be at least one couple out of the three that exist (me and my husband, my husband and his girlfriend, his girlfriend and her husband) that had a D/s component. There isn't. I currently have three friends with benefits that I'm seeing on and off. None of those three relationships have a D/s component either, though at least one of them does have some pain involved in the sex. So I don't think you can say there is automatically going to be at least one relationship with a D/s component if there are more than two people in a relationship configuration. That's all I was trying to say.
Ahhhh... I see your confusion. You are reading my answer without tying it into the question. My answer was specifically limited to how it applies to the question, not to how it applies to all Poly relationships in existence.

I don't believe that all poly situations have a BDSM component. The question was the intersection of BDSM and Poly. I was saying there's an intersection between the two, anytime there's BDSM and more than two people.
 
Ahhhh... I see your confusion. You are reading my answer without tying it into the question. My answer was specifically limited to how it applies to the question, not to how it applies to all Poly relationships in existence.

I don't believe that all poly situations have a BDSM component. The question was the intersection of BDSM and Poly. I was saying there's an intersection between the two, anytime there's BDSM and more than two people.

Ah, okay, that makes more sense. Sorry about that. It has also been a really long week and a half for me, so it's possible it would have made more sense if I wasn't as exhausted as I am :).
 
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