Finally know what we are in CO

reuabffoh

New member
I am happily married to the man of my dreams. I've been with my husband for 9 yrs. He has 3 children, I have one, all from previous marriages. I entered our relationship as bisexual. He has always been sensitive and understanding of this, knowing it is one of my threads, which make up who I am.

Over the course of our relationship we have changed boundaries with our sexual encounters many times based off trust of that/those individual(s). Some got more fun than others, in a sense.

Being bisexual is difficult, as many women don't feel comfortable engaging with someone who's husband is a stranger to them, so we ultimately became swingers, not really caring for other man aspect, but allowing me to be with another female. We have been living this lifestyle for quite some time now, and are until recently...Everything is now changing.

Years ago we began having same room sex with my close friend and her husband. They ended up divorcing, for reasons outside our encounters. She is still single and visits my husband and I often, all us together, as well, as just the 2 of us girls. She has been my "girlfriend" for 6 years. 2 years ago, our close male friend took an interest in her, so we brought him in to the fun. 1 year ago, they fizzled out, leaving my husband and I back with my "girlfriend", not wanting to loose our close male friend we continued (MFM), keeping our FMF and FF relationship separate.

It has been 3 years of MFM, and close male friend and I have fallen in love. My husband understands, as he is his best friend as well. They ride motorcycles together, coach softball, and he has comforted our family during many hard times. We all cant pinpoint how we fell in love, but I am in love with 2 men, and we all feel very confused as to how to make this work.

Jealousy has started brewing as to him finding other women or a girlfriend and us losing him, as well as, jealousy on his side from my husband and I still swinging. It feels very complex and fragile.

Have we hit a peak? Feels like we need to stop this and deal with the pain of losing each other and the friendship, or somehow evolve. Hearts are getting broken, and we all are getting angry because of confusion. He has 3 kids, we have 4, only one of them knows about our arrangement our 16 yo, and only because she is LGBTQ advocate in high school, and bisexual herself. Many of our close friends know about us, and they are so supportive, even joke that they're brother husbands.

There has been talk of becoming a "closed Vee" (I'm not familiar with a lot of the terminology). There's a lot of feelings between the 3 of us, and we don't know where to go now.

We are SO relieved to find this forum. Of course, there is a lot missing from our story, but at least now we know we are not alone.
 
Hi reuabffoh- welcome to the Forum! I will look forward to hearing more of your story - best of luck on your evolving poly journey. Al
 
Greetings reuabffoh,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like things in your MFM are a little confused, but maybe you'll close that V? Am I understanding right? Are you still continuing your FMF and FF relationship? Polyamory.com will be happy to help in any way that we can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you! Yes, we are still continuing our MFM and FF, until the day she finds a boyfriend. We made everything official this evening, and we have spoken to her as well. We are actually doing this! Still don't know how, but taking it slow, and not straying far from what weve already been doing.
 
Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it beneficial.

Making the transition from swinging to polyamory can be confusing!

I read your other "it's official" post where you said you are closing your V to be poly fidelitous with your 2 men. So where does that leave your girlfriend? It sounds like you and your husband are involved in a MFM V, as well as a FMF triad. Can you explain?
 
She is an exception to our relationship. I have told them both I want to continue being with her, they both understand this request. I will continue being with her sexually alone, as well, as with my husband. My bf is okay with this, because the relationship with her began many years before him.
 
OK, thanks for explaining. Of course, that means you aren't in a poly fi triad with bf and hubby, exactly.

But moving on... it sounds like there is a LOT of jealousy stemming from fear of loss, at the idea that your bf wants to date or somehow romantically and sexually relate to other women. And though you and your hubby and bf have all been swingers a LONG time, now he's fearful your swinging will somehow cause him to lose one or both of you!

Why all this fear of loss? In polyamory, one can be totally committed to a lover, but still date and form relationships with others.

I know you can't speak for bf, but why are you so afraid of losing him when your relationship is so well established?

Usually triads or Vs go poly fi when they feel fully satisfied with their arrangement, and have lost desire for further dating, hunting and so on. So it's a positive choice. You seem to be in a place where you're going poly fi out of a sense of mistrust and fear, a negative place.

Jealousy, envy, fear can be worked through. It is one of the basics of Poly 101. NOT easy, but rather necessary if one is to be happy and fulfilled.
 
It does feel like all this has started from a negative place, we all were just talking about this last night. so its interesting you bringing it up.

We all agreed that it felt like we've actually been dating and seeing other people for a long time, so its almost like the next step now, as if it would be in a monogamous relationship. Taking each other "off the market" in a sense.

I do agree it's stemmed from an possible upsetting scenario, however, we also feel better knowing that we can have a relationship without worrying about any outsiders. Over the years, my Husband and I have been okay with him having the occasional date, one night stand, or GF, and hes been alright with my Husband and I's swinging. Only until recently, the thought of it has started bothering us. He knows that if he gets into a serious relationship with another woman, she will likely be opposed to him seeing us, he does not want that to happen because he loves us and being with us.

I think we all came to an agreement that were happy with the way things are, so lets just take it a step further and remove the other possibilities.
 
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